Do you rely on your DH for emotional support?

[Anonymous]

Yes, but like another PP sometimes I have to tell him what I need. DH likes to fix things and help me work through them and figure out a solution/ways to deal with things. And in many ways, that's extremely helpful. I've learned how to deal with my anxiety better and I've learned how to work through things better because of him.

But sometimes I just need him to listen and agree with me. I don't need to fix it...I just need a sounding board. So as long as I preface it with that, he's awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, and actually our relationship got better when I dropped all expectations. I had two really bad situations come up - death of parent, estrangement from sibling - and he was so piss poor in even just acknowledging the pain I was in that it was sort of a joke. Not only did he not acknowledge it, he made it worse by piling on. Now I know not to expect jack from him in that regard, and I go to other people for support. I love him for other reasons that don't involve that. (And no, not his money for any troll who thinks that's the reason. I out-earn him.)

Op here - real question - what are those other reasons? What is the glue of your marriage? Because in my marriage, the lack of support is a huge gaping hole, and there are not many other things that compensate for that lack

He's a genuinely nice person but like other PPs have said, he lacks the ability to do this. I mean, I just look at his parents and I wonder how he turned out normal in any capacity. These people are pretty devoid of compassion or empathy. So it's a skill he flat out never learned and I think it just makes him feel utterly anxious and out of control when he thinks I might be crumbling and he doesn't know what to do. But to answer your question - he brings levity to life, he's a good dad, he keeps the fun in our lives when I might be more serious, he plans awesome vacations, we love to just hang out on the regular, he takes pride in building our lives together, that kind of stuff. It's not that I never bring up anything difficult. I will let him know, for example, that I'm dissatisfied at work, struggling with xyz... But I make it pretty clear I'm handling it. And by handling it I usually mean relying on other people whom I'm very to to help me out and be a sounding board. It's sort of unfortunate that "you knew this when you married him" axiom doesn't really apply here, you know? You can't really know how someone is going to act in a genuine crisis or emergency or meltdown until it happens. With him, it became clear he's not going to be my go-to. I actually feel bad for him that he was raised in such a way that devalued this skill so much.

[Anonymous]

If my husband couldn’t support me emotionally and be my best friend, we wouldn’t be together. For me that’s an important part of feeling complete trust in our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to, but I stopped when he would use my weaknesses against me. He likes to deny all feelings, including his own. If women are emotional creatures and we can't get emotional support from our husbands, what good are they? This is why women wind up liking money. They can get financial support easier than emotional support.

ok 1st. If you want emotional support from your spouse marry your therapist or your girlfriends. 2nd. Reducing the value of a husband, or men in general, to what emotional support they can give women is shallow and selfish. Men who are uncomfortable with emotions (all the men in my life) are also capable of great love. Who cares if they aren't the emotional type? Agree with the PP who said you can't demand your spouse fulfills every need. 3rd. Financial security is fine, but give me a break, women chase after wealthy men for nice houses, fancy vacations, handbags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going through a very difficult time emotionally and logistically re: my aging parents. My DH and I have financial resources and are raising two young children. I am finally emerging from a situational depression with the help of a therapist (bu not my DH) and am feeling my zest for life and my future returning.

But my DH is a drag, and when I am upset, he in turn gets very anxious and goes to worst case scenarios, which he taunts me with. I need a hug and someone to help me sort it out - not someone who can't handle his own sh*t or create some space for me to.

How many women are married or partnered with a man who actually has some emotional strength?

Have you ever heard a man say he is emerging from a situational depression? What is that? You had a bad day? You nuts. Take more pills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my husband couldn’t support me emotionally and be my best friend, we wouldn’t be together. For me that’s an important part of feeling complete trust in our relationship.

I’m an earlier poster. This whole “husband as a best friend” thing is kind of dumb. Is he probably the closest person in the world to me in terms of knowing my inner thoughts and day-to-day activities? Absolutely. And we connected emotionally? Absolutely. Do I also use other people in my life for emotional support? Also yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to, but I stopped when he would use my weaknesses against me. He likes to deny all feelings, including his own. If women are emotional creatures and we can't get emotional support from our husbands, what good are they? This is why women wind up liking money. They can get financial support easier than emotional support.

ok 1st. If you want emotional support from your spouse marry your therapist or your girlfriends. 2nd. Reducing the value of a husband, or men in general, to what emotional support they can give women is shallow and selfish. Men who are uncomfortable with emotions (all the men in my life) are also capable of great love. Who cares if they aren't the emotional type? Agree with the PP who said you can't demand your spouse fulfills every need. 3rd. Financial security is fine, but give me a break, women chase after wealthy men for nice houses, fancy vacations, handbags.

OP here - I don't understand how "great love" and "emotional support" can be separated - i.e., earlier this week when I was crying about my parents, I would have felt great love from DH if he had held me or said to me - "I am here for you" but his reaction to freak out instead and yell at me was not "loving" either. What are the expressions of love if not providing emotional support? His expressions of love feel more like neediness for approval when he does it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband couldn’t support me emotionally and be my best friend, we wouldn’t be together. For me that’s an important part of feeling complete trust in our relationship.

I’m an earlier poster. This whole “husband as a best friend” thing is kind of dumb. Is he probably the closest person in the world to me in terms of knowing my inner thoughts and day-to-day activities? Absolutely. And we connected emotionally? Absolutely. Do I also use other people in my life for emotional support? Also yes.

mmmm - situational depression is a real thing. https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/situational-depression

[Anonymous]

I have a similar issue. I love my DH, he is a great dad and helps out around the house. He is a good partner in every way except emotional support. He labels my emotional expression "childish" sometimes and it hurts.

Sure, I can talk to my friends, find a therapist, etc. but we've been married 18 years. I'd really like to be loved and supported by my husband. I think he never learned empathy as his mom is a narcissist. It is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband couldn’t support me emotionally and be my best friend, we wouldn’t be together. For me that’s an important part of feeling complete trust in our relationship.

I’m an earlier poster. This whole “husband as a best friend” thing is kind of dumb. Is he probably the closest person in the world to me in terms of knowing my inner thoughts and day-to-day activities? Absolutely. And we connected emotionally? Absolutely. Do I also use other people in my life for emotional support? Also yes.

mmmm - situational depression is a real thing. https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/situational-depression

give me a break. symptoms include waking up in the morning and breathing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to, but I stopped when he would use my weaknesses against me. He likes to deny all feelings, including his own. If women are emotional creatures and we can't get emotional support from our husbands, what good are they? This is why women wind up liking money. They can get financial support easier than emotional support.

ok 1st. If you want emotional support from your spouse marry your therapist or your girlfriends. 2nd. Reducing the value of a husband, or men in general, to what emotional support they can give women is shallow and selfish. Men who are uncomfortable with emotions (all the men in my life) are also capable of great love. Who cares if they aren't the emotional type? Agree with the PP who said you can't demand your spouse fulfills every need. 3rd. Financial security is fine, but give me a break, women chase after wealthy men for nice houses, fancy vacations, handbags.

OP here - I don't understand how "great love" and "emotional support" can be separated - i.e., earlier this week when I was crying about my parents, I would have felt great love from DH if he had held me or said to me - "I am here for you" but his reaction to freak out instead and yell at me was not "loving" either. What are the expressions of love if not providing emotional support? His expressions of love feel more like neediness for approval when he does it.

Well, it seems like in your case you think "lack of emotional support" actually equals "is a total ass." But the opposite or absence of emotional support doesn't have to be meanness. It could just mean "he doesn't fill that need." Not that he's an active jerk about it. Separate issues.

[Anonymous]

I have my DH, my brothers, my SILs (both sides), my mom, my daughter and son (teens and twenties), my friends. Each set of people will provide emotional support for different issues. My DH will hold me and take care of me when I need it in ways that make sense to him. For example, if I am grieving and in bed, he will make sure that I am getting my meals in bed!!!

So he helps in his own way. And if I can tell him to just hold me, he will do that.

[Anonymous]

"Emotional support" = pretend to listen while she prattles on about trivial bullshit and her fee-fees.

Yeah, I do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband couldn’t support me emotionally and be my best friend, we wouldn’t be together. For me that’s an important part of feeling complete trust in our relationship.

I’m an earlier poster. This whole “husband as a best friend” thing is kind of dumb. Is he probably the closest person in the world to me in terms of knowing my inner thoughts and day-to-day activities? Absolutely. And we connected emotionally? Absolutely. Do I also use other people in my life for emotional support? Also yes.

¯\_(?)_/¯ You do you. But I’m being honest. Men are capable of having this emotional connection. Most of the men my friends are married to are this way. If it works for you not to have it, that’s chill. For me it would be a nightmare to live with someone who wasn’t a source of emotional support. I’d be sad for my kids too not to have someone who was fully emotionally available as a father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Emotional support" = pretend to listen while she prattles on about trivial bullshit and her fee-fees.

Yeah, I do that.

Yeah, women are soooooo shallow. So shallow that we care when a parent dies, when there's a chronic illness to deal with, job loss/issues, financial worry.... But you keep thinking we all just prattle on about make up and whatever the hell fee-fees is.

News flash - you married the shallow twat. What does that say about you?