Is it ever ok to ask a host if you can bring uninvited people with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad I'm reading this. We were invited to a 4th of July party (My family of 5) and I was going to ask the host of I may bring my mom because she is staying with us for 6 weeks this summer. I was hesitating and now I will just delcine and do something with my mom.

Hi. I guess I am an open and accepting hostess, but people commonly ask me questions like yours and I always say yes. When you have a party on a holiday weekend, it is inevitable that people have family in town. I've had extras at Hanukkah parties, seders (it is a lift, but that isn't the point) and simple BBQs.

If you were a good friend and you declined over this, I would be saddened by it. I wouldn't be offended because that isn't my style, but I would be disappointed.

[Anonymous]

The only time I’d do this is if it was a very close friend and if I was going by myself and wanted to bring a friend to talk to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think east coast people are really rude. As long as it's not a $200 seated wedding dinner, I say .. "the more, the merrier". I grew up in a family with 8 kids. We always welcomed more. We are Catholic and really believe in sharing.

Reading the thread about immigrants made me sick...so many viscious people here. Why not try to live and let live.

Let the people bring others to a cookout. How much does a burger cost anyway cheapie?

NP. I think most East Coast people are rude too, but I'm not sure what that has to do with people bringing extra people that the host didn't invite. That's just rude, period, no matter who does it.

Since you grew up in a family with 8 kids, it's likely that nobody would have noticed an extra few people. For those of us whose houses are more calm and we decided not to have 8 kids because, you know, we don't want a house full of chaos and a ton of kids, we don't always welcome more.

And many of us aren't just serving a cheap burger when we invite guests to our homes. Some of us (at least those of us without 8 kids) have more elaborate and expensive meals. There's a big difference between a cheap burger and a $200 per plate meal. If you only ever do cheap and easy meals, that's fine. But don't assume that everyone is like you and call us cheap because we don't want to open our homes to the public.

If you serve $200/plate meals at your home but think money for a couple extra guests is a big deal, there is something seriously wrong with your money management.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve shown up to guests homes with extra people on my side. Rude, yes but I wanted them to come with me and didn’t really care what the host or others thought of me. I’m carefree.

You are carefree and insanely rude.

[Anonymous]

For me it depends. I IMMENSELY dislike when people invite siblings to birthday parties where I have to pay by the person. I would not care if someone brought siblings (or a parent) to a home bday or BBQ at my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think east coast people are really rude. As long as it's not a $200 seated wedding dinner, I say .. "the more, the merrier". I grew up in a family with 8 kids. We always welcomed more. We are Catholic and really believe in sharing.

Reading the thread about immigrants made me sick...so many viscious people here. Why not try to live and let live.

Let the people bring others to a cookout. How much does a burger cost anyway cheapie?

NP. I think most East Coast people are rude too, but I'm not sure what that has to do with people bringing extra people that the host didn't invite. That's just rude, period, no matter who does it.

Since you grew up in a family with 8 kids, it's likely that nobody would have noticed an extra few people. For those of us whose houses are more calm and we decided not to have 8 kids because, you know, we don't want a house full of chaos and a ton of kids, we don't always welcome more.

And many of us aren't just serving a cheap burger when we invite guests to our homes. Some of us (at least those of us without 8 kids) have more elaborate and expensive meals. There's a big difference between a cheap burger and a $200 per plate meal. If you only ever do cheap and easy meals, that's fine. But don't assume that everyone is like you and call us cheap because we don't want to open our

homes to the public.

Maybe you failed to read that OP mentioned a cookout. You don't spend $200 a person on a cookout. Maybe spend $200 on learning to read. And stop with the number of kid shaming. No one chooses how many kids they grow up with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it depends. I IMMENSELY dislike when people invite siblings to birthday parties where I have to pay by the person. I would not care if someone brought siblings (or a parent) to a home bday or BBQ at my house.

Right! There's a difference between a casual bbq where people usually arrive and stay in waves, unlike a pay per person kid birthday party or $200 sit down dinner.

[Anonymous]

I think it is polite to say “my mom is in town” or “we have plans with X family”. As a hostess, I usually invite everyone. But won’t if for some reason space is limited. No big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is polite to say “my mom is in town” or “we have plans with X family”. As a hostess, I usually invite everyone. But won’t if for some reason space is limited. No big deal.

+1- totally fine if mom/dad/brother is in town. Not ok to invite another entire family but ok to put it out there as said above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think east coast people are really rude. As long as it's not a $200 seated wedding dinner, I say .. "the more, the merrier". I grew up in a family with 8 kids. We always welcomed more. We are Catholic and really believe in sharing.

Reading the thread about immigrants made me sick...so many viscious people here. Why not try to live and let live.

Let the people bring others to a cookout. How much does a burger cost anyway cheapie?

NP. I think most East Coast people are rude too, but I'm not sure what that has to do with people bringing extra people that the host didn't invite. That's just rude, period, no matter who does it.

Since you grew up in a family with 8 kids, it's likely that nobody would have noticed an extra few people. For those of us whose houses are more calm and we decided not to have 8 kids because, you know, we don't want a house full of chaos and a ton of kids, we don't always welcome more.

And many of us aren't just serving a cheap burger when we invite guests to our homes. Some of us (at least those of us without 8 kids) have more elaborate and expensive meals. There's a big difference between a cheap burger and a $200 per plate meal. If you only ever do cheap and easy meals, that's fine. But don't assume that everyone is like you and call us cheap because we don't want to open our

homes to the public.

Maybe you failed to read that OP mentioned a cookout. You don't spend $200 a person on a cookout. Maybe spend $200 on learning to read. And stop with the number of kid shaming. No one chooses how many kids they grow up with.

Maybe you failed to read that the first PP who I was responding to had basically said that anybody should welcome additional people (that they didn't invite) unless it's a $200 dinner. Because otherwise you don't believe in sharing. And that if it's not a $200 dinner then it must be just a cheap burger that you're serving your guests. I was pointing out that there is some middle ground.

Even at a cookout, many people buy things that are more expensive than a "cheap burger". Like steaks, for example, and nice salads and/or gourmet breads, maybe they even get special stuff to cater for people with food allergies. They might not be $200 per person but a lot more expensive than a "just a cheap burger".

And of course someone doesn't choose the number of kids they grow up with, but when you wear it on your sleeve like a badge of honor and want to bring it into a random discussion on an internet forum then it's fair game. Families with 8 kids have generally given up on the idea of a ribeye per person and salads made with special ingredients that take a while to prepare. Most families with lots of kids that I know (or actually all of them, but I realize there might be exceptions somewhere) are more about "here's a bunch of the cheapest food we could find, here it all is, there should be enough for everyone and hopefully some extras if people want more, just sort yourselves out". So it's hardly an appropriate thing to try to generalize to everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve shown up to guests homes with extra people on my side. Rude, yes but I wanted them to come with me and didn’t really care what the host or others thought of me. I’m carefree.

You are breathtakingly selfish and rude. I hope you don't have children, because you would be a horrible example to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's how I would approach this: "Hey host, I would love to come but it turns out my family/friends are in town that weekend." If the host is ok with additional guests, they will say "Just bring them along!" But if not, this gives the host and out and the ability to say "We'll miss you" if they'd rather not invite strangers.

Maybe I don't understand this code, but if you were to tell me that your family/friends are in town this weekend, I would understand it to mean "no I can't come as I'd rather spend time with my other friends and family."

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on how close you are the the hosts. We hosted a dinner last year and invited some close friends. They asked if they could bring another family and we said yes - and we all had a great time.

[Anonymous]

To me, there's a difference between inviting a whole other family, and including a family member, or pseudo-family member (e.g. a foster child, or an exchange student who is living with your family) who is there temporarily.

There's also a difference between a family invitation and an invitation for specific people. So, a birthday party invitation that comes to just one child doesn't extend to other kids in the family. But if I'm having a cookout and I send an invite for your whole family, and this week that means 3 kids instead of 2 because your step kid is in town, then he's invited. A wedding where the invitation just names two people, doesn't include the children or Grandma or the exchange student, but a graduation party addressed to the whole family does. Of course, you call and say "Hey, DSS is here that weekend so we'll have 3 kids instead of 2, is that OK?" But you don't have to feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends how open and welcoming/direct the hosts are. I would ask a friend who likely wouldn't care or a friend who would have no problem saying no.

+1

And my thing is if you ask, you shouldn’t expect the answer is yes and would be fine/not hold it against the person if they say no.