Is it ever ok to ask a host if you can bring uninvited people with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends. It depends on the relationship, depends on the size of the party, the occasion for the party, on how much notice is given, the motivation for bringing the extra people, etc.

We throw large parties a few times a year (100+ people). Often they are around holidays (the typical Halloween, Memorial Day, Labor Day, July 4th, etc.). Numerous times friends have asked if they could bring another family. With advance notice, and if it's a good reason, it makes sense and I'm not put off. A couple of good reasons:

- The obvious "We have friends visiting from out of town".
- "So & So is new to the area/neighborhood and we're trying to help them meet people"
- "Dave lost his wife to cancer and we'd like to include him and his kids"

Simply that you like someone that is not invited is not a sufficient reason. I see this as well and it is off-putting.

Can you tell me more about these large parties?

[Anonymous]

Good friends communicate. Good friends can state the situation. Good friends can give an honest reply back. No one offends. If you're worried about offending, you aren't cultivating meaningful relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The uninvited family is local, not out of town friends or family of the invited family. And its a whole family of 5, not 1-2 people like an out of town grandparent or something.

Why do you think the person is asking if she can invite them? Is she trying to include them in your group of friends?

I don't know. I guess they are good friends of the person who did the asking. I personally don't think this is relevant. I personally would be able to say no (although I'd still be annoyed) but my hosting friend is a pushover/doormat and I'm sure is going to say yes even though she was clear to me she didn't want to. Which is why I think its rude - you are putting the burden on the host to say yes/no and I don't think this is right.

You’re responding to me, so thanks even though you don’t think it is relevant . I do think it’s weird the person asked here. I’m a pushover so would probably say YES but I would probably think twice before inviting that original guest again.

I didn't mean to be rude (honestly.) I just meant that even if someone has a "good reason" I still think its rude to ask.

I didn't think you meant to be rude - I tried to put a smiley face in there

[Anonymous]

My brother and his wife once invited me for dinner and I asked if my roommate who had moved in the day prior could come. When they were hosting a Passover seder and invited their close friends, they called to say they had three relatives in from Israel so wouldn't be able to come and my brother said to bring them.

But to ASK to bring an ENTIRE FAMILY? To a FRIEND'S house? That's a little much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends. It depends on the relationship, depends on the size of the party, the occasion for the party, on how much notice is given, the motivation for bringing the extra people, etc.

We throw large parties a few times a year (100+ people). Often they are around holidays (the typical Halloween, Memorial Day, Labor Day, July 4th, etc.). Numerous times friends have asked if they could bring another family. With advance notice, and if it's a good reason, it makes sense and I'm not put off. A couple of good reasons:

- The obvious "We have friends visiting from out of town".
- "So & So is new to the area/neighborhood and we're trying to help them meet people"
- "Dave lost his wife to cancer and we'd like to include him and his kids"

Simply that you like someone that is not invited is not a sufficient reason. I see this as well and it is off-putting.

Can you tell me more about these large parties?

DP but I also throw big parties like that and have a similar attitude. What do you want to know about large parties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends. It depends on the relationship, depends on the size of the party, the occasion for the party, on how much notice is given, the motivation for bringing the extra people, etc.

We throw large parties a few times a year (100+ people). Often they are around holidays (the typical Halloween, Memorial Day, Labor Day, July 4th, etc.). Numerous times friends have asked if they could bring another family. With advance notice, and if it's a good reason, it makes sense and I'm not put off. A couple of good reasons:

- The obvious "We have friends visiting from out of town".
- "So & So is new to the area/neighborhood and we're trying to help them meet people"
- "Dave lost his wife to cancer and we'd like to include him and his kids"

Simply that you like someone that is not invited is not a sufficient reason. I see this as well and it is off-putting.

Can you tell me more about these large parties?

DP but I also throw big parties like that and have a similar attitude. What do you want to know about large parties?

I'm the originally quoted poster (that first mentioned large parties). Maybe the questioner was jokingly asking if they were swingers' parties? (they're not, FWIW).

My parties are always at our house (we bought it partially because we like to entertain), and the large ones always have lots of kids. Sometimes we show kids' movies on a large outdoor screen with a projector. Some are themed with themed food, and drink. Sometimes we rent a large tent (think a wedding tent). Some are barbecues, some are potlucks, some have a few families making a few large dishes (often in crockpots). Some have kegs and involve beer pong. We have a pretty large house (4600 sq ft) and decent, flat yard (2/3 acre).

We also have smaller dinner parties that are adults-only, where people get sitters instead of bringing the kids. Those are usually 5 or 6 couples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend is hosting a family cookout in a couple of weeks for a few families. This friend recently told me that one of the invited families asked if she could bring another uninvited family with her. My friend doesn't know this other family except in passing and does not want to say yes. But she feels that she will seem rude saying no. But I feel it was SO RUDE of the person who asked this in the first place. I don't think this is ever ok.

I think its okay if you want to politely decline an invite saying, "We would love to come but unfortunately already have plans with X." Then, if the host is so inclined, they could say, "oh bring them with you!" but that is totally different than calling up and asking directly.

Thoughts?

Is your friend always this gossipy?

What? That is not gossip. She is my good friend and was asking confidential advice about a tricky situation. She does not want to host additional people but doesn't know how to say no. Friends discuss tricky situations with their friends.

LOL. And you discuss your friends' requests of confidential advice with the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People do it all the time and I find it rude----unless it was something like out of town family, etc.

But, I still would most likely respond 'no' and say we had family coming into town---and then sometimes you get 'please bring them along'.

I don't ever ask to bring local people, well really anyone.

But, etiquette has gone out the window---thank you cards, RSVPs, this....society is falling apart.

+1- Exactly, you decline letting them know you have company coming to stay with you. Sometimes (we usually do) you'll be asked to bring the guests along. I'd never ask for someone local.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good friends communicate. Good friends can state the situation. Good friends can give an honest reply back. No one offends. If you're worried about offending, you aren't cultivating meaningful relationships.

+1

I have several friends that I would be comfortable asking if an out of town guest can come to a party. I am never offended if people (close friends or not) ask if they can bring someone. I would rather they ask than decline the invite. I know other people feel the opposite, but I am "the more the merrier" type of person. Every kid party that I have ever thrown has led to someone asking me if they can bring a)a sibling or b)other random cousin to the party. Sure. Now it IS rude to do this and then not bring the person, especially if the party is at a venue where you are paying per person or group of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad I'm reading this. We were invited to a 4th of July party (My family of 5) and I was going to ask the host of I may bring my mom because she is staying with us for 6 weeks this summer. I was hesitating and now I will just delcine and do something with my mom.

As a host, I would think this is perfectly reasonable request and I'd be happy for your mom to join. I think the key is that it's just ONE more person and someone who is visiting you. The OP's example is one family asking to invite another family. That's too many people to ask, and the other's family attendance presumably has no bearing on whether or not the invited family can attend.

+1

Plus, my friend's moms are always welcome.

[Anonymous]

It's very rude to ask if you can bring uninvited people with you, except for the following situations:

1) the event is one where couples are invited, and the person issuing invitations was unaware you were married or engaged. In that case it is OK to ask if your spouse or fiance can come. The host should apologize abjectly if this happens and the answer should always be "of course!"

2) The event is one where families are invited and the invitation omitted a family member who lives in your home (for example, your stepdaughter will be visiting that weekend.) For example, the invitation to a 4th of July Cookout reads: to Tom, Mary, Jimmy and Jenny But Tom's teen daughter Rachel will be spending July with him, and the host didn't realize that. Perfectly acceptable to ask in that case and very rude for the host to say "no". You don't fail to invite the whole family.

As others say, if you have other visiting family or guests, the correct way to handle it is to say you have visitors and will have to decline. That lets the hosts decide if they want extra guests.

There is NO polite way to let the host know you think they should invite a different local family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's how I would approach this: "Hey host, I would love to come but it turns out my family/friends are in town that weekend." If the host is ok with additional guests, they will say "Just bring them along!" But if not, this gives the host and out and the ability to say "We'll miss you" if they'd rather not invite strangers.

I think this is a matter of knowing the host.

If someone said this to me I would think they didn't want to come. But I would have absolutely no problem with people asking if they could bring someone along.

Yes OP you are correct in the most extreme possible version of this situation (inviting an entire disconnected family for no apparent reason) it is weird and a little over the line. But I wouldn't get that bent over it. "Sorry we're kind of hitting a space limit with RSVPs, not sure we can accomodate so many extras!"

I feel like the whole 'uninvited' label is weird. That makes it sound like you're asking to bring someone who had been disinvited.

PP with the mom, omg I would be SO sad if you just made other plans instead of asking. Think about the host and go based on that! There are plenty more the merrier folks!

I think its funny that people here who are cawing about etiquette being dead are the same people that would rather have people they like/love decline then to open up to an extra person who you don't know. Lack of generosity is also poor etiquette.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad I'm reading this. We were invited to a 4th of July party (My family of 5) and I was going to ask the host of I may bring my mom because she is staying with us for 6 weeks this summer. I was hesitating and now I will just delcine and do something with my mom.

That's actually one of the times that it is totally acceptable to ask.

[Anonymous]

There is SUCH an easy and graceful way to avoid this.

"Mary, I'm sorry, but we can't make it to the BBQ. We are hosting my brother-in-law that day, and don't want to leave him behind."

This gives your host the chance to invite the BIL, or to say, "Sorry, we'll miss you, another time."

[Anonymous]

It’s weird to bring another family. The only time I’ve had guests bring extra people like this is when they have family visiting or out of town guests.