Can you tell if any couple in your social group will divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who got married too young in their 20's or because of a deadline like turning 30are the most predictable for divorce.

Funny - the couples I know who got married straight out of undergrad are still married.

I was the first to get married (after first year of law school). My friends got married shortly after grad school. Everyone has their first baby around 28-30.

All of us are still happily married.

My two cents: when an educated guy wants to commit and have babies, he craves monogamy and isn't likely to stray.

Ditto in our group. The college sweethearts are all still together (got married around 25/26, for the most part). The people in trouble are the ones who got married in their early/mid 30s - I won't use the word desperate but they clearly felt a push and unwittingly overlooked/compromised on a lot, and as the years have gone on the cracks began to show.

NP here. I'm 32 and witnessing the "early 30s settle down frenzy" in real time. It's like the music just stopped playing in musical chairs and no one wants to be left standing. People always point to the lower divorce rate for couples who get married around 30 like it is some indicator of happiness.
While these marriages often stay together, but I'm not sure that it is because they are happier. When people have kids in their mid to late 30s, the financial stakes can be much higher when it comes time to divorce (these people have to plan for kid expenses, college, and retirement all at once). This group also tends to be more educated and can weigh the consequences of divorce much more easily. They know they'll have less time to rebuild. So while they might not divorce, I definitely don't think that couples who marry later are generally better matched, even though they theoretically should be.

People who get together very young (in college) often had their choice of many partners. These are people who chose each other when there were tons of people around them who were single, not when they they were hearing the clock go tick-tock. Therefore, I think there is a good chance - for those couples who work out - that these people are highly, highly compatible.

Sadly, the biological time clock is a real thing which results in some people settling when they are in their early to mid 30's. One day they wake up and realize that while they solved the problem they had never really been in love. I have no data to back this up I just know that it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who got married too young in their 20's or because of a deadline like turning 30are the most predictable for divorce.

Funny - the couples I know who got married straight out of undergrad are still married.

I was the first to get married (after first year of law school). My friends got married shortly after grad school. Everyone has their first baby around 28-30.

All of us are still happily married.

My two cents: when an educated guy wants to commit and have babies, he craves monogamy and isn't likely to stray.

Ditto in our group. The college sweethearts are all still together (got married around 25/26, for the most part). The people in trouble are the ones who got married in their early/mid 30s - I won't use the word desperate but they clearly felt a push and unwittingly overlooked/compromised on a lot, and as the years have gone on the cracks began to show.

NP here. I'm 32 and witnessing the "early 30s settle down frenzy" in real time. It's like the music just stopped playing in musical chairs and no one wants to be left standing. People always point to the lower divorce rate for couples who get married around 30 like it is some indicator of happiness.
While these marriages often stay together, but I'm not sure that it is because they are happier. When people have kids in their mid to late 30s, the financial stakes can be much higher when it comes time to divorce (these people have to plan for kid expenses, college, and retirement all at once). This group also tends to be more educated and can weigh the consequences of divorce much more easily. They know they'll have less time to rebuild. So while they might not divorce, I definitely don't think that couples who marry later are generally better matched, even though they theoretically should be.

People who get together very young (in college) often had their choice of many partners. These are people who chose each other when there were tons of people around them who were single, not when they they were hearing the clock go tick-tock. Therefore, I think there is a good chance - for those couples who work out - that these people are highly, highly compatible.

Agreed. I'm 32 and it's like they're scrambling for lifeboats as the Titanic goes down. A few of my friends would even classify themselves as desperate to have children. Lots of my friends are now pregnant on their wedding days because they're so worried about fertility.

DH and I were college sweethearts. Both of us wished we had met later in life so that we didn't have that "young marriage" thing going on, but not a day goes by that I don't think DH isn't the best thing that ever happened to me. Getting married and meeting young didn't hurt us in the least. Just glad someone else was able to share and remember all of my 20s with me.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Just take a look at how they ended up together and why they married. Most ended within 3 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. We've predicted nearly every divorce. It starts when the oldest is in upper elementary school/middle school. And it's contagious. Seriously. A ton of couples split over a two-year period.

All but one was prompted by adultery.

This sounds about right. [/b]Suburban norm.[b]

So, you think this is more likely to happen to a couple in Bethesda/McLean compared to folks who live in UNW? I'd love to hear the rationale for that.

Fun fact about suburban divorces: they tend to (bizarrely) date other divorced (and sometimes married!) parents from the school, neighborhood, sports, etc. And then all of us are subjected to the exes with their new sweetheart (whose kids all go to the same school or live in the same neighborhood). And then our kids ask questions like, "Mom, why does Sally's dad sleep over at Joey's house now?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, all you people who claim you can predict divorce, what do you see (and when) that you consider a tell?

NP here, but I'll bite. I'm a very observant introvert who listens and observes way more than I speak. When you spend time with a couple, you pick up on little (and often very, very subtle) red flagish things over time. I find myself taking those things and kinda file them away in the mental vault, and it helps me understand the way things are likely to play out overtime. These signs might seem like nothing to someone who is, frankly, less observant, but the sum of them can often convey a certain attitude or issues within the relationship.

Some quick examples:

- At my SILs wedding, I noticed that the groom was VERY complimentary of the bridesmaids' appearances. This might seem like no big deal, but I thought it was odd that he was so comfortable being so complimentary of other women when he's moments away from marrying the love of his life. Something just seemed mildly off about the interactions in a way I can't really describe, and I would not be surprised if he cheats down the road.

- A couple of weeks before I attended another wedding, I was talking to the bride who was very excitedly going over logistics and cheerfully said something like "I'm very ready to get married!" Not, "I'm very ready to marry Larlo". Sounds like a small difference, but I think it is telling about her attitude.

Then there are generally things that you pick up on over time.

- I also notice couples that seem lovely, but have basically had a very low-stress courtship. They're often ingrained in a low stress dynamic, and I'll pay close attention to how things between them start to play out between them once the stress gets cranked up a bit (usually after the arrival of a baby or two). Personality differences that seem complementary while dating, can really cause issues in times of stress.

- Couples that marry after years of dating and living together often seem to be together due to inertia. Not always, but very often, yes.

- Couples where one spouse is ADHD and the other is able to work around their ADHD spouse. The wheels come off when these people have kids, even if they don't get divorced.

- Couples where one or both people drink too much socially. I think that signals poor coping mechanisms and/or unhappiness. It also points so something that can get much worse when the going gets tough, so to speak.

- General lack of an emotionally generous attitude from one spouse to another, or between each other.

- General lack of a kind attitude from one spouse to another, or between each other. The worst are the people who dig in when they have a disagreement, instead of genuinely trying to understand each others perspective. People who do the whole tit for tat thing are in for a rough road.

- EXTREMELY extroverted couples who host everything. People are usually the most surprised by these divorces. However, if you were paying attention all along, you would have seen that much of their relationship is about other people and structured activities. They often put on a good front. These are the people who are all smiles on Facebook, running off to the pumpkin patch and pressing their own apple cider on the first nice day of fall. I think, very often, they're excessively active socially and on the weekends because they don't really have enough between them to enjoy each other...always has to be a bunch of other people around or some structured activity.

So yeah, any one of these things alone doesn't add up to a prediction of divorce, but they do flag attitudes and things that I'll take a closer look at over the years. These things usually point to where to look for the signs, and from there I'll observe more and make a determination about a couples likeliness to call it quits or not. While I haven't been surprised by a divorce yet, I have found that it is hard to know WHEN exactly a relationship will blow up. I've found that to be a more imperfect science.

You are an emotional observation NINJA!! I am not like you, in that I’m extroverted at talkative but I’m also very perceptive and tend to pick up on things like this too. Your descriptions and detail are spot on.

The only thing I will add is that bickering couples, even ones that seem unkind to each other or that take digs at each other, tend not to be the ones that divorce despite others’ perception that the marriage must be doomed. Often times highl conflict marriages have this ”what you see is what you get” thing going on. Those couples also usually have a high tolerance for conflict. They are thicker skinned and know that love and commitment goes deeper than fights over dishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We have a very small circle of good friends, and I know that none will. We are 40s to 50s and have each gone through very difficult challenges, so the marriages are strong, otherwise they would have cracked a long time ago.

SO not true. My parents have been best friends with 2 couples for nearly 50 years. 4 years ago, one of them split after 43 years of marriage. The husband started cheating. As a nearly 70 year old man.

Cool

[Anonymous]

People who are featured in the NY Times vows section. Yawn.

- we met at a party
- we were both dating other people
- we didn't see each other as romantic partners
- we broke up with these people
- we then bumped into each other but one of us was moving to Kuala Lumpur
- we were long distance
- he then proposed to me when we visited the Mekong Delta

And then the wedding picture undoubtedly has them wearing goofy outfits, doing ridiculous dancing, and saying things like:

Larla is a tigress when she wants something and Larlo is a wild animal tamer

I know of one instance where everything written about the couple was made up and they are no longer together

[Anonymous]

I have 3 friends who are divorced.

One - friend (female) had an emotional affair, got tired of her husband who wasn't successful or ambitious enough and left him to move on up. Divorce not unexpected. She is very high achieving, perfectionist, type A and no idea why she married him initially. He is a great guy now!

Two - friend (female), still not exactly sure what happened but she was dating someone very soon after divorce. I think she fell in love with his family more than with him and married him as part of the package to get them. Once integrated into the family enough with the kids, she realized she could ditch him and keep his family. Not surprised but didn't see it coming.

Third one. High school football player marries pretty cheerleader. They were married for 25 years then realized they had missed out. Mutual divorce. Very shocking as they had seemed really happy.