Can you tell if any couple in your social group will divorce?
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Anonymous
I was the first to get married (after first year of law school). My friends got married shortly after grad school. Everyone has their first baby around 28-30. All of us are still happily married. My two cents: when an educated guy wants to commit and have babies, he craves monogamy and isn't likely to stray. |
Anonymous
| I guess we have been lucky. There are no divorces in our immediate families or inner social group. We have all been together for 20-30+ years and our children are in late HS, college and beyond. There are a few divorces in our acquaintance social group. Some expected some not so much |
Anonymous
I take that back. I did have a close friend 10+ years ago who divorced and moved out of state. We met as co-workers and became friends, but I was never friends with her DH. |
Anonymous
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So, all you people who claim you can predict divorce, what do you see (and when) that you consider a tell?
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Anonymous
| I'm the divorced one in my social group. I remarried and inherited DH's friends, who are all still married and both partners are working doctors or lawyers. Some have kids some don't; the ones with kids have nannies. We're in our mid 30s - early 40s. In the beginning they regarded with suspicion because I've been divorced and some staged in "intervention" to tell DH not to marry me. |
Anonymous
This is not true. |
Anonymous
| My child goes to a special ed school for severely disabled kids. I can only think of one family where the parents *aren't* divorced. |
Anonymous
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It's so hard to tell and finances probably complicate things. I'm sure there are tons of couples who want to divorce but can't or are hesitant to because it would really wreak havoc on one or both people's finances or standard of living. For lower income people, the standard remains low; for high income people, it remains high; it's the middle classes who weigh $ more heavily as it has the potential to change things a lot in terms of standard of living and what/how many jobs people must work.
We're mid/late 30s and have only seen a few divorces. My DH and I argue a lot, but it's just kind of our way. Yes, much of it is about parenting or $. I can see these things dissolving in ~10 years. That said, I don't think a 2nd kid would have been good for us, so we didn't have one. We are much happier and comfortable with each other than we are socializing in groups. We don't go out a lot as couple, so I can see people thinking we don't do a lot...truth is, we just like being together. |
Anonymous
| There have been about 3 divorces amongst my college friends. All were childless couples that married before 25. I was somewhat surprised by 2 of them because the couples were religious. The third was not a surprise because I’m pretty sure the husband has a personality disorder. |
Anonymous
"If you can't spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker." - Mike McDermott, Rounders |
Anonymous
The pp was laughing at your naivete, not at the prospect of others getting divorced. If you can't understand that, you're really not in a position to call anyone else a moron. |
Anonymous
This is, of course, true until it is no longer true. For your evidence, go read the sad post in the marrying rich thread. |
Anonymous
In my social group, one couple getting divorced never fought. We used to roll our eyes at how codependent they were. It was really a surprise. The other two couples were less of a surprise. I've found that the 7 - 10 year mark is when the divorced really started happening. |
Anonymous
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People who say nobody in their "friend" group are divorced ... what that really means is when people get divorced, they are no longer part of our friends group.
People that you know got divorced K-12 but they either had to move, or people don't want the single woman around their H, or they stop inviting them because they don't want to choose side or their finances changed and they are not in your income bracket anymore. |
Anonymous
NP here, but I'll bite. I'm a very observant introvert who listens and observes way more than I speak. When you spend time with a couple, you pick up on little (and often very, very subtle) red flagish things over time. I find myself taking those things and kinda file them away in the mental vault, and it helps me understand the way things are likely to play out overtime. These signs might seem like nothing to someone who is, frankly, less observant, but the sum of them can often convey a certain attitude or issues within the relationship. Some quick examples: - At my SILs wedding, I noticed that the groom was VERY complimentary of the bridesmaids' appearances. This might seem like no big deal, but I thought it was odd that he was so comfortable being so complimentary of other women when he's moments away from marrying the love of his life. Something just seemed mildly off about the interactions in a way I can't really describe, and I would not be surprised if he cheats down the road. - A couple of weeks before I attended another wedding, I was talking to the bride who was very excitedly going over logistics and cheerfully said something like "I'm very ready to get married!" Not, "I'm very ready to marry Larlo". Sounds like a small difference, but I think it is telling about her attitude. Then there are generally things that you pick up on over time. - I also notice couples that seem lovely, but have basically had a very low-stress courtship. They're often ingrained in a low stress dynamic, and I'll pay close attention to how things between them start to play out between them once the stress gets cranked up a bit (usually after the arrival of a baby or two). Personality differences that seem complementary while dating, can really cause issues in times of stress. - Couples that marry after years of dating and living together often seem to be together due to inertia. Not always, but very often, yes. - Couples where one spouse is ADHD and the other is able to work around their ADHD spouse. The wheels come off when these people have kids, even if they don't get divorced. - Couples where one or both people drink too much socially. I think that signals poor coping mechanisms and/or unhappiness. It also points so something that can get much worse when the going gets tough, so to speak. - General lack of an emotionally generous attitude from one spouse to another, or between each other. - General lack of a kind attitude from one spouse to another, or between each other. The worst are the people who dig in when they have a disagreement, instead of genuinely trying to understand each others perspective. People who do the whole tit for tat thing are in for a rough road. - EXTREMELY extroverted couples who host everything. People are usually the most surprised by these divorces. However, if you were paying attention all along, you would have seen that much of their relationship is about other people and structured activities. They often put on a good front. These are the people who are all smiles on Facebook, running off to the pumpkin patch and pressing their own apple cider on the first nice day of fall. I think, very often, they're excessively active socially and on the weekends because they don't really have enough between them to enjoy each other...always has to be a bunch of other people around or some structured activity. So yeah, any one of these things alone doesn't add up to a prediction of divorce, but they do flag attitudes and things that I'll take a closer look at over the years. These things usually point to where to look for the signs, and from there I'll observe more and make a determination about a couples likeliness to call it quits or not. While I haven't been surprised by a divorce yet, I have found that it is hard to know WHEN exactly a relationship will blow up. I've found that to be a more imperfect science. |