Would you agree to let your spouse stay home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to those who responded without judgement.
I see some people were exceedingly forcused on the word "let", however I said "agree to let" because there must obviously be a discussion with something like this that impacts the family. And the two options are mutually exclusive, either I agree to the request or disagree.
Some of you also may need to examine your own gender biases, because I was referring to my DH's request. I did not initially state this because for me, the gender of the spouse is irrelevant, and either a wife or husband have the option to request to stay home, or neither do.
Lastly, for those responders who question the probability of such a pay raise, think going from academia to industry.

I responded before - with this info, I'm even surer that I would be on board. I would, however, really urge him to think about what he wants to DO. most SAHP of any gender I know hit a point of extreme frustration because the daily grind of keeping the kids clean/healthy/safe and the house clean is insufficiently satisfying, even for the ones who are proactive and excited about guiding their children's education and development. And they find other things to do (volunteering, pursuing a hobby, activism, exercise,e tc). I'd be cool with any of that, but I'd want him to have a plan, frankly. Because if he spend the first 6 months sitting on his arse playing video games, doing minimal childcare and ignoring the messy house, he would get depressed and I would get resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to those who responded without judgement.
I see some people were exceedingly forcused on the word "let", however I said "agree to let" because there must obviously be a discussion with something like this that impacts the family. And the two options are mutually exclusive, either I agree to the request or disagree.
Some of you also may need to examine your own gender biases, because I was referring to my DH's request. I did not initially state this because for me, the gender of the spouse is irrelevant, and either a wife or husband have the option to request to stay home, or neither do.
Lastly, for those responders who question the probability of such a pay raise, think going from academia to industry.

There is also reduced hours and part time. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:A Stay At Home Parent is a gift to your children. Not everyone wants to give them that gift.

Children eventually become adults and what happens then ? Going back to work after voluntarily taking yourself out after what 17 , 18yrs ?

There is more to life than an office career.

Oh do tell

Watching TV and eating bon-bons. Use your imagination. For many people going to the office is equivalent to dying slowly. I would rather have a happy spouse in a happy household.

What if both spouses feel working for pay is equivalent to dying slowly? Which one gets to be lazy then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We make well over 500K a year and I would never stay home. It's not just about how much you make - it's about whether that decision is best for your family.

Also, I hope OP feels like a real a**hole for saying he would "let" his wife stay home.

Why the focus on the word 'let'? Technically it would be him letting her stay home. She can't stay home without his salary unless she wants to be a bum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A Stay At Home Parent is a gift to your children. Not everyone wants to give them that gift.

Children eventually become adults and what happens then ? Going back to work after voluntarily taking yourself out after what 17 , 18yrs ?

There is more to life than an office career.

Oh do tell

Watching TV and eating bon-bons. Use your imagination. For many people going to the office is equivalent to dying slowly. I would rather have a happy spouse in a happy household.

What if both spouses feel working for pay is equivalent to dying slowly? Which one gets to be lazy then?

Watching TV all day is not easy. If both are dying then it's time to make a plan or quit first.

[Anonymous]

OP. I work part time for very little money so we manage on dh's fed salary. It is not always easy but his job security and benefits make the decision less scary.
Would you and your dh consider holding off on the decision for at least a year so you can save as much as possible for a robust emergency fund in case you lose your private sector job and also so you can be sure that you are happy with your big career change from academia. My dh enjoys his job so I don't feel like he is trapped by the need to support us. It is a very big decision because it is hard to get back into the workforce once you leave so it would be nice to take your time before dealing with two big changes. - him leaving the work force and you changing fields and jobs

[Anonymous]

Don't do it op. I just got a similar raise and you need to not add the stress of your spouse quitting on top of a new job and big pay jump. What if you hate it? Or get laid off? Jobs at that level don't come as easily.

[Anonymous]

"Let my spouse"? I make that and would not supportive. We both work 40hrs a week, a lot of that from home, have two 401ks that we collectivly contribute 50k/yr to before gains, bot kids are in school FT, we dint need childcare, and have a great balance. No idea why one of us would wven want to SAH considering the incredibly comfortable set up we both have.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Without commenting on the use of the word "let," no one married to me would be staying home on purpose/ not earning unless they want a divorce.

Why?

Do you feel an adult's only contribution to the world is by earning filthy lucre, I mean money?

How small-minded you are, Ebenezer.

I feel that I am not going to support an able-bodied adult who chooses not to work. I would love to stay home and pursue my dreams with that time instead, but if I don't work, I have no home in which to do that. My spouse can choose not to work in someone else's house.

What if you chose to stay home while your spouse worked? It works both ways, you know. What if your spouse really wanted to stay home with the children, and was depressed at the idea of going back to work? There are many opportunities in life where flexibility is important, and this could be one of them.

I would not choose to stay home, because then I would have no means to support myself. I don't live off other people. If my spouse wanted to stay home, he should have the independent means to do that. Financial stability is not flexible.

Don't you think of your marriage as a joint exercise? If you stop working to volunteer and have more time with your kids, you are giving back and supporting the family and others. Your salaried spouse is supporting the family as well. My point is there are many ways of being productive and useful, and your view is extremely narrow. I suspect it stems from a deep-seated fear of being dependent on someone else. That's not healthy, PP.

NP. That ia great for you. Our household doesnt need a career volunteer or more time with our kids. We both have pleanty of time with our kids. We work 40hr weeks, kuchbofnit from home. Freeloaders need not apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Let my spouse"? I make that and would not supportive. We both work 40hrs a week, a lot of that from home, have two 401ks that we collectivly contribute 50k/yr to before gains, bot kids are in school FT, we dint need childcare, and have a great balance. No idea why one of us would wven want to SAH considering the incredibly comfortable set up we both have.

Your employment situation is not typical of most families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Let my spouse"? I make that and would not supportive. We both work 40hrs a week, a lot of that from home, have two 401ks that we collectivly contribute 50k/yr to before gains, bot kids are in school FT, we dint need childcare, and have a great balance. No idea why one of us would wven want to SAH considering the incredibly comfortable set up we both have.

Your employment situation is not typical of most families.

+1. All that money and no brains to go with it. SAD.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be comfortable with it. Being a sole breadwinner is too stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Without commenting on the use of the word "let," no one married to me would be staying home on purpose/ not earning unless they want a divorce.

Why?

Do you feel an adult's only contribution to the world is by earning filthy lucre, I mean money?

How small-minded you are, Ebenezer.

I feel that I am not going to support an able-bodied adult who chooses not to work. I would love to stay home and pursue my dreams with that time instead, but if I don't work, I have no home in which to do that. My spouse can choose not to work in someone else's house.

What if you chose to stay home while your spouse worked? It works both ways, you know. What if your spouse really wanted to stay home with the children, and was depressed at the idea of going back to work? There are many opportunities in life where flexibility is important, and this could be one of them.

I would not choose to stay home, because then I would have no means to support myself. I don't live off other people. If my spouse wanted to stay home, he should have the independent means to do that. Financial stability is not flexible.

Don't you think of your marriage as a joint exercise? If you stop working to volunteer and have more time with your kids, you are giving back and supporting the family and others. Your salaried spouse is supporting the family as well. My point is there are many ways of being productive and useful, and your view is extremely narrow. I suspect it stems from a deep-seated fear of being dependent on someone else. That's not healthy, PP.

I am the PP you responded to. I see someone else responded to this post, but it wasn't me.

Yes, I do have a fear of being dependent on someone else. It's not going to change, and I will always be self-sufficient. I expect my partner to be self-sufficient, as well. I'm not going to support him, nor would I expect him to support me. There are no kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't be comfortable with it. Being a sole breadwinner is too stressful.

Two breadwinners working and stressing all the time isn't great either. This is especially true when it's not necessary.

[Anonymous]

There are specific questions to consider here, and I say this as a SAHM, who has close family members who are SAHDs (so I'm aware of the gender issues).

1. How old are your kids? If you don't have them, don't do it. If they are daycare age (under 3), I think having a stay-at-home parent is a great choice. If they are school age (older than 5), I would encourage DH not to SAH, and if he wants to scale back, to work reduced hours or find a part-time gig. The tough decision is if they are between ages 3 and 5. If so, are they high-needs? Energetic? Emotional? Then I can see the appeal of SAH, with the kids in a preschool program in the mornings. If they are not high-needs kids and they are older than age 3, I'd consider encouraging DH to work part-time first.

2. What are your hours like? How much do you contribute (or would you like to contribute) to household tasks? I SAH for many reasons, but one of those is that my spouse works long hours and I want the hours he's not working to be spent with the family, not doing work around the house (as much as possible, anyway). When we are both home the dishes and childcare is split 50/50, but all the "things to do" are for me and me alone to do (from managing our budget and paying taxes, to all school related tasks, getting clothing, obviously groceries and other household items, cooking, laundry etc). If you will work long hours and would benefit from that sort of support, then having DH stay home would be huge for your family.

3. Do you know if you will like your job? I would never have SAH if I didn't know how much my DH likes his job, and that it is quite stable. Again, if you aren't sure if you like your job, or if it's stable, I'd encourage your spouse to go part-time first.

Finally, as others have mentioned, I'd encourage your spouse to think of this as a JOB - but his job is the house and the kids. And that he should really think about what will come next, because there will reach a point where he'll want or need to do something else, in order to be fulfilled. Whether that's a hobby or volunteer work or more likely returning to the workforce is up to you two to decide, but it will happen, believe me. As much as people like to make fun of SAH parents for sitting around eating bon bons, no one is actually happy doing that. People need to work - either for money or in the home or for the community as volunteers - to feel fulfilled.