Would you agree to let your spouse stay home

[Anonymous]

I make more than $400k and my DH is a SAHD. It would work at less and definitely works great for our family, but I worry that he thinks it is unfulfilling and an insufficient use of his talents. I wish he would take classes or really develop a hobby/interest as it can be isolating, esp with kids in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't "let" your wife stay home and you make $400k, she might resent you and it could ruin your marriage. So there's that. Do you have young children? You may not realize it while you are in the rat race, but having 2 adults that work FT outside the home and doing the daycare/school/activity shuffle is stressful.

In what universe is $400k not enough?

My wife makes more than 400K, and I still work even though I make less than half of what she does. Am I supposed to resent her? Is it going to ruin my marriage? Sure I'd rather not work, who wants to work, but why should I get to be lazy and spend my time reading books and working out at the gym while my wife busts her ass every day at a 400K+ job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Without commenting on the use of the word "let," no one married to me would be staying home on purpose/ not earning unless they want a divorce.

+1

This is becoming a problem for me, because my husband wants to quit his job way too young just because he's sick of working. Um, no. We will still have kids in college and he brings in almost half his income. He doesn't want to stop working to take any burden off me, since he won't clean or cook and we'll still need to pay our cleaning service and our children will be grown or almost grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL. We made SAHP work on 50k. The key was not choosing a house that cost more than twice HHI.

And counting on scholarships/heavy duty loans/community college for your kids, and living a bare bones existence in retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A Stay At Home Parent is a gift to your children. Not everyone wants to give them that gift.

What if your children are all 16 or older?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A Stay At Home Parent is a gift to your children. Not everyone wants to give them that gift.

Children eventually become adults and what happens then ? Going back to work after voluntarily taking yourself out after what 17 , 18yrs ?

There is more to life than an office career.

Like what? And with what money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Without commenting on the use of the word "let," no one married to me would be staying home on purpose/ not earning unless they want a divorce.

Why?

Do you feel an adult's only contribution to the world is by earning filthy lucre, I mean money?

How small-minded you are, Ebenezer.

I feel that I am not going to support an able-bodied adult who chooses not to work. I would love to stay home and pursue my dreams with that time instead, but if I don't work, I have no home in which to do that. My spouse can choose not to work in someone else's house.

What if you chose to stay home while your spouse worked? It works both ways, you know. What if your spouse really wanted to stay home with the children, and was depressed at the idea of going back to work? There are many opportunities in life where flexibility is important, and this could be one of them.

I would not choose to stay home, because then I would have no means to support myself. I don't live off other people. If my spouse wanted to stay home, he should have the independent means to do that. Financial stability is not flexible.

Don't you think of your marriage as a joint exercise? If you stop working to volunteer and have more time with your kids, you are giving back and supporting the family and others. Your salaried spouse is supporting the family as well. My point is there are many ways of being productive and useful, and your view is extremely narrow. I suspect it stems from a deep-seated fear of being dependent on someone else. That's not healthy, PP.

[Anonymous]

If I made 400k, I would really, really want my DH to stay home - if he could be happy that way. (Right now, we make a combined 240k or so, and aren't saving as much as we should). On 400k, we could easily pay the bills, sock away money for college/retirement and still have an excellent quality of life. With demanding jobs that never quite stop, having a SAHP would improve our quality of life more than his income.

Admittedly, however, if the situation were reversed, I would be reluctant to stay home fulltime. I like working (well, sometimes, anyway), and I'd go stir-crazy. But probably, I would try to find a way to cut back to parttime or take a less demanding job that was still fulfilling. hell, I'm an attorney and I could always hang out my shingle and just take cases that interest me.

[Anonymous]

Someone this clueless makes 400K a year? God help all of us.

You don't "let" anyone stay home. You make a decision together - as a family - regarding what is best for your family. You don't own your wife or make decisions for her.

[Anonymous]

We make well over 500K a year and I would never stay home. It's not just about how much you make - it's about whether that decision is best for your family.

Also, I hope OP feels like a real a**hole for saying he would "let" his wife stay home.

[Anonymous]

No one truly wants to stay home if childcare does not necessitate it. We all want to contribute our skills to society. I've been home so long I have lost confidence although I speak five languages and have an Intl Rel M.A. I was competent at my job but hated it. I never had the guts to pursue my passion fully. I write short pieces, dribs and drabs that meet the same fate as 99 percent of the DOS archives: oblivion. The kids prevent and give me the perfect excuse for not pushing myself to the limit. I was never willing to be a starving artist. Now I am a financially comfortable housewife. I wish I had figured myself out before marriage and kids. I was greedy. I am the author of my discontent.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to those who responded without judgement.
I see some people were exceedingly forcused on the word "let", however I said "agree to let" because there must obviously be a discussion with something like this that impacts the family. And the two options are mutually exclusive, either I agree to the request or disagree.
Some of you also may need to examine your own gender biases, because I was referring to my DH's request. I did not initially state this because for me, the gender of the spouse is irrelevant, and either a wife or husband have the option to request to stay home, or neither do.
Lastly, for those responders who question the probability of such a pay raise, think going from academia to industry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A Stay At Home Parent is a gift to your children. Not everyone wants to give them that gift.

Children eventually become adults and what happens then ? Going back to work after voluntarily taking yourself out after what 17 , 18yrs ?

There is more to life than an office career.

Oh do tell

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to those who responded without judgement.
I see some people were exceedingly forcused on the word "let", however I said "agree to let" because there must obviously be a discussion with something like this that impacts the family. And the two options are mutually exclusive, either I agree to the request or disagree.
Some of you also may need to examine your own gender biases, because I was referring to my DH's request. I did not initially state this because for me, the gender of the spouse is irrelevant, and either a wife or husband have the option to request to stay home, or neither do.
Lastly, for those responders who question the probability of such a pay raise, think going from academia to industry.

Those are only the options for your mind. You can disagree and the other person will get himself fired. You can disagree and get total resentment back, where the other person would stay at work till midnight. It's not like youh get the last word

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A Stay At Home Parent is a gift to your children. Not everyone wants to give them that gift.

Children eventually become adults and what happens then ? Going back to work after voluntarily taking yourself out after what 17 , 18yrs ?

There is more to life than an office career.

Oh do tell

Watching TV and eating bon-bons. Use your imagination. For many people going to the office is equivalent to dying slowly. I would rather have a happy spouse in a happy household.