Would our DD feel out of place at private school if our HHI is $250,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to add an observation and advice from a different perspective. I have been an upper school teacher in a DC area private school for over 25 years. All adolescents go through a period of extreme egocentrism. They feel the entire world is focused on them, and judging them, for everything. They think every person they encounter notices and is disgusted by a pimple, or an item of clothing, for example. This is simply part of normal development. It is the parents' (primarily, although I do believe it takes a village...) job to make sure they make it through this period knowing that they are not the centers of the universe, learning not to judge others, and, hopefully, not being materialistic. It seems to me that most of the comments on this thread are from parents who are non-judgmental, secure adults. Those who are obsessed with income and materialism might want to reconsider your values.

Well said. I frequently refer to my 13 year old DD as "age-appropriately self-centered" )))

[Anonymous]

I have one DC in public middle school in Arlington and another in a top private in DC. My DC in public feels much poorer than my DC in private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one DC in public middle school in Arlington and another in a top private in DC. My DC in public feels much poorer than my DC in private.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this focus on hhi is totally off...For privates it is all about wealth. And not just net worth but liquidity. I know several parents at a top 3 who probably have sub $100k hhi but are $2-5 million+ liquid. That's the more typical big 3 lifestyle.

Such a good point. That would explain why, at our private, there are families where one parent is a federal employee and the other parent is a SAHM, but yet they have a way nice house and way nicer vacations than we do.

Many grandparents pay for not only tuition but house down payment and fancy vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have seen vacations mentioned several times on this thread. I'm genuinely curious: What constitutes an "average vacation?" How would you describe a fancy/luxurious vacation?

At my kids' school, they have winter and spring breaks that are at least 2 weeks long to allow families to travel to Europe and other faraway places. A few families have yachts so they "need" the extra sailing time. Others have vacation homes or rentals in places like Jackson Hole, WY so they can spend the break skiing. I could go on and on but going to Florida or Disney World is pedestrian for these families.

So MOST families at your child's school take winter or spring break vacations to Europe? Is this an international school or a regular private school? Are they also flying by private jet?

Yes, a lot do. This is a regular private school. It may be because one of the parents is European and they are going to their home country to visit family on holiday. I don't know about the private jets but would not be surprised if some do. My family does not live like this. I was just giving examples of what I have observed and overheard. Also, my kids are not preoccupied by wealth.

That's what I thought--many of them are visiting family. Why else would you want to deal with the weather in (most of) Europe around Christmas? Visiting family, even if it's abroad, isn't really my idea of a "fancy vacation."

[Anonymous]

OP, your kid will feel poor regardless of whether he/she goes to private or public. You might as well go private.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing ... with the exception of 1-2 families in the entire world, there always will be some family with more money than yours. If you have instilled in your daughter enough sense of self that she is a strong, confident girl then I would not worry about it. At our school most people do not realize who is the child of the most absolute wealthiest family there - in fact, many people think the kid is FA. That is just the way the family operates. With no airs. They drive normal cars (Ford, Honda, Toyota) and live in a normal house. It is the children of the strivers and reachers who are obsessed with 'things' and try to lord it over people because those are bad habits of behavior that they picked up from their parents. As long as there is not enough of a critical mass of them in one grade that you get a mean girl situation your kid will be fine. Pick the school that is the best fit for your child and go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing ... with the exception of 1-2 families in the entire world, there always will be some family with more money than yours. If you have instilled in your daughter enough sense of self that she is a strong, confident girl then I would not worry about it. At our school most people do not realize who is the child of the most absolute wealthiest family there - in fact, many people think the kid is FA. That is just the way the family operates. With no airs. They drive normal cars (Ford, Honda, Toyota) and live in a normal house. It is the children of the strivers and reachers who are obsessed with 'things' and try to lord it over people because those are bad habits of behavior that they picked up from their parents. As long as there is not enough of a critical mass of them in one grade that you get a mean girl situation your kid will be fine. Pick the school that is the best fit for your child and go for it.

Oh, and for the strivers and reachers, I used types of cars at random. The family may or may not drive one or any or all of those cars. So don't go walking around the parking lot/s trying to figure it out because you won't. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

These threads are fascinating, but I'm often left puzzled. Everyone is talking about whether or not children and teenagers "find out" about money or "notice" income differences. Why not be direct with them. Is there anything wrong with saying, "Hey, we're middle class. Some of your classmates are from families that are wealthier than we are. We are sending you to this school, because it's a great school with interesting classes and people. It is also an expensive school. We are paying the tuition for this school, because your education is important and we want you to be happy. That means we can afford X and Y, but not Z."

With teenagers, why not show them the budget and let them see the trade-offs. They can go to a less expensive private school and public, and there is money for bigger vacations. Or they can continue to attend school with their friends. Let them know what you are investing to make the school they love possible. If they don't like the school that much, maybe you and they are happier not footing the bill. But in any case, I would hope that moody year or two would eventually fad and they'd emerge with some understanding about money. They might as well puzzle it out now. If they want a lot of very expensive things, then they need a career that can pay for them. If they are willing to make choices and priorities, they can worry about what they enjoy doing -- even if it pays less well. Better to chew on that now, and not at 35.

I would worry if a school culture is actively excluding or picking on children who are not wealthy. But just realizing your economic situation (rich, poor, middle class) is just a fact to grasped sooner, not later.

[Anonymous]

Your DD will be judged on what they are like. Smart? Pretty (yes, sounds awful, but true)? Athletic? Fun? If they can check at least two of these boxes, they will do well in any private school environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All this focus on hhi is totally off...For privates it is all about wealth. And not just net worth but liquidity. I know several parents at a top 3 who probably have sub $100k hhi but are $2-5 million+ liquid. That's the more typical big 3 lifestyle.

I was thinking the same thing, but more like $250-300k income and $2-5 million+ in the bank, plus lots of equity in the house/no debt. At that point, a $15,000 vacation is not a big deal, even on that income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one DC in public middle school in Arlington and another in a top private in DC. My DC in public feels much poorer than my DC in private.

Transfer to Kenmore then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DD will be judged on what they are like. Smart? Pretty (yes, sounds awful, but true)? Athletic? Fun? If they can check at least two of these boxes, they will do well in any private school environment.

I generally agree with this. But if you are talking about schools without a uniform requirement in high school, your wardrobe budget needs to be astronomically high to keep up with the Joneses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DD will be judged on what they are like. Smart? Pretty (yes, sounds awful, but true)? Athletic? Fun? If they can check at least two of these boxes, they will do well in any private school environment.

I generally agree with this. But if you are talking about schools without a uniform requirement in high school, your wardrobe budget needs to be astronomically high to keep up with the Joneses.

Ha. Those NCS girls spend a few hundred per outfit. To look trashy. Ironic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Goodness gracious me. I'm so glad we live in Baltimore where people are much more relaxed about private schools.

OP I definitely know where you're coming from. It's too bad you're not in Baltimore for you'd fit right in at our schools. I gather D.C. Is a different beast altogether. Tour a few schools. And do look at a range. You might like some of the more low key schools like Sandy Springs. Then go with your instincts.

We also live in Baltimore and nobody really cares that much about this here. I'm poor compared to the rest of the families at my kid's private school. I probably won't ever make a triple digit salary. Nobody cares. My DS will remark about his friends' house, country clubs, etc but he knows that this isn't the norm even though he is surrounded by these kids every day.