Poll for wives who don't have regular sex with their spouse..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In no particular order: kids, stress, overwork, money worries, sleep deprivation, unhealthy lifestyle/bad diet/lack of exercise, too much alcohol (to relax after a stressful day), various medications that affect libido....i.e. the modern age is full of these things that interfere with intimacy.

If you had into all of these things existing relationship problems then it can be difficult to prioritize sex.

The ladies of DCUM are always talking about "red flags" in potential male husbands. So as a single 33 year old guy, what are the red flags that I should be looking for that would cause a woman to de-prioritize sex in a long term relationship? How can I make sure she doesn't fall prey to all this stuff above and continues to reflect what she advertised during the dating phase?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In no particular order: kids, stress, overwork, money worries, sleep deprivation, unhealthy lifestyle/bad diet/lack of exercise, too much alcohol (to relax after a stressful day), various medications that affect libido....i.e. the modern age is full of these things that interfere with intimacy.

If you had into all of these things existing relationship problems then it can be difficult to prioritize sex.

The ladies of DCUM are always talking about "red flags" in potential male husbands. So as a single 33 year old guy, what are the red flags that I should be looking for that would cause a woman to de-prioritize sex in a long term relationship? How can I make sure she doesn't fall prey to all this stuff above and continues to reflect what she advertised during the dating phase?

If she's into lifelong fitness and staying in shape (for herself) its often a good indicator that she'll have a sex drive and not lose sight of herself after having kids. That's not to say that an asshole husband can't kill her drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about the points below:

What makes you unattracted to your spouse?

Are you still attracted to and turned on by other men (cute doctor, guy at the gym etc) or is that part of your brain just switched off entirely?

What would you say is the main reason (relationship or otherwise) that you and your spouse are not sexually active?

Do you still take care of your own needs? (Masturbation)

1. Weakness, disloyalty, not putting me first
2. Yes I am.
3. See answer to #1
4. Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you start your life in abject poverty or you end up with a serious illness (neither of which I would minimize) if you work hard and don't make any major mistakes (don't have a kid before you're married or ready to, do your homework and get good grades, major in a demand field, work hard at your job) it's not hard to find yourself on dry land (not millionaire mind you, but middle upper middle class).

I tend to find that people (unless they started in abject poverty -- again not minimizing that -- inequality is a huge problem our country needs to deal with) that plan wisely and defer gratification in their teens and early 20s, don't have to be in such a shitty predicament in their 30s. YMMV.

Not really there is a U shaped curve in marital happiness. It has been studied for years of upper middle class families.

Happiness declines for approximately 10 years, levels off for 4 years and increases as children leave and finances improve. This changes if there are more than 2 kids and if something catastrophic happens to you career.

The problem is that some people try to fight reality. This is the reality, stop blaming your spouse, it is what it is. Kids are a drain.

I think kids these days (and our days) were given too much and when the going get rough, they crumble. Find the bright side and stop complaining about the little things.

This happened to my marriage and why we are now divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In no particular order: kids, stress, overwork, money worries, sleep deprivation, unhealthy lifestyle/bad diet/lack of exercise, too much alcohol (to relax after a stressful day), various medications that affect libido....i.e. the modern age is full of these things that interfere with intimacy.

If you had into all of these things existing relationship problems then it can be difficult to prioritize sex.

The ladies of DCUM are always talking about "red flags" in potential male husbands. So as a single 33 year old guy, what are the red flags that I should be looking for that would cause a woman to de-prioritize sex in a long term relationship? How can I make sure she doesn't fall prey to all this stuff above and continues to reflect what she advertised during the dating phase?

I'd actually like to address this seriously, speaking as someone who was the one with low drive in my first marriage, who learned a lot, and now makes intimacy a priority in my second marriage.

One thing you can look out for is, truthfully, someone who is a micro-manager or a perfectionist. Type A personalities. Women who tend to be focused on one thing to the exclusion of other things. We get tunnel vision easily, and there are certain times in a relationship when there are plenty of things to distract us. When I got pregnant, I was nervous about birth and becoming a mom, and I threw myself into learning about those things to the exclusion of other things. When DD was born, like all babies, she was very time consuming. I was not a person who had very firm ideas about how things must be done with DD, but I did find that I picked up all the slack. If she was crying and my ex did not immediately jump to go take care of whatever the issue was, I did it. After some time, he became accustomed to me just handling all the issues, whatever they ended up being.

What I am trying to be in my second marriage is a person who, while I have my own ambitions and thoughts about how things should be done, focuses on the bigger picture. The greater good. I also chose to marry someone who is similarly focused. My ex, like me, was very focused on his own ambitions. It was a recipe for disaster, though if we had both felt indifferent toward the lack of intimacy in our marriage, it probably could have lasted for quite some time before anyone realized they were unhappy.

So I guess my "red flag" for you would be a woman who has a hard time balancing multiple, sometimes conflicting priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In no particular order: kids, stress, overwork, money worries, sleep deprivation, unhealthy lifestyle/bad diet/lack of exercise, too much alcohol (to relax after a stressful day), various medications that affect libido....i.e. the modern age is full of these things that interfere with intimacy.

If you had into all of these things existing relationship problems then it can be difficult to prioritize sex.

The ladies of DCUM are always talking about "red flags" in potential male husbands. So as a single 33 year old guy, what are the red flags that I should be looking for that would cause a woman to de-prioritize sex in a long term relationship? How can I make sure she doesn't fall prey to all this stuff above and continues to reflect what she advertised during the dating phase?

Look for someone who is honest, who cares about you, who is physically active and enjoys being physically active (not someone who is standing out on a softball field with a mitt on just to impress you but someone who would go out on a hike or a bike ride or whatever, even if you weren't around?). Good honest communication with you is also a huge plus. Someone with a good zest for life and a positive attitude.
You should be good if you find such a gal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In no particular order: kids, stress, overwork, money worries, sleep deprivation, unhealthy lifestyle/bad diet/lack of exercise, too much alcohol (to relax after a stressful day), various medications that affect libido....i.e. the modern age is full of these things that interfere with intimacy.

If you had into all of these things existing relationship problems then it can be difficult to prioritize sex.

The ladies of DCUM are always talking about "red flags" in potential male husbands. So as a single 33 year old guy, what are the red flags that I should be looking for that would cause a woman to de-prioritize sex in a long term relationship? How can I make sure she doesn't fall prey to all this stuff above and continues to reflect what she advertised during the dating phase?

I'd actually like to address this seriously, speaking as someone who was the one with low drive in my first marriage, who learned a lot, and now makes intimacy a priority in my second marriage.

One thing you can look out for is, truthfully, someone who is a micro-manager or a perfectionist. Type A personalities. Women who tend to be focused on one thing to the exclusion of other things. We get tunnel vision easily, and there are certain times in a relationship when there are plenty of things to distract us. When I got pregnant, I was nervous about birth and becoming a mom, and I threw myself into learning about those things to the exclusion of other things. When DD was born, like all babies, she was very time consuming. I was not a person who had very firm ideas about how things must be done with DD, but I did find that I picked up all the slack. If she was crying and my ex did not immediately jump to go take care of whatever the issue was, I did it. After some time, he became accustomed to me just handling all the issues, whatever they ended up being.

What I am trying to be in my second marriage is a person who, while I have my own ambitions and thoughts about how things should be done, focuses on the bigger picture. The greater good. I also chose to marry someone who is similarly focused. My ex, like me, was very focused on his own ambitions. It was a recipe for disaster, though if we had both felt indifferent toward the lack of intimacy in our marriage, it probably could have lasted for quite some time before anyone realized they were unhappy.

So I guess my "red flag" for you would be a woman who has a hard time balancing multiple, sometimes conflicting priorities.

Omg, this is so very complicated and convoluted...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In no particular order: kids, stress, overwork, money worries, sleep deprivation, unhealthy lifestyle/bad diet/lack of exercise, too much alcohol (to relax after a stressful day), various medications that affect libido....i.e. the modern age is full of these things that interfere with intimacy.

If you had into all of these things existing relationship problems then it can be difficult to prioritize sex.

The ladies of DCUM are always talking about "red flags" in potential male husbands. So as a single 33 year old guy, what are the red flags that I should be looking for that would cause a woman to de-prioritize sex in a long term relationship? How can I make sure she doesn't fall prey to all this stuff above and continues to reflect what she advertised during the dating phase?

Look for someone who is honest, who cares about you, who is physically active and enjoys being physically active (not someone who is standing out on a softball field with a mitt on just to impress you but someone who would go out on a hike or a bike ride or whatever, even if you weren't around?). Good honest communication with you is also a huge plus. Someone with a good zest for life and a positive attitude.
You should be good if you find such a gal.

Gal?

And disagree with your assessment. Speaking as a sporty, honest, zestful person who does not currently prioritize sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In no particular order: kids, stress, overwork, money worries, sleep deprivation, unhealthy lifestyle/bad diet/lack of exercise, too much alcohol (to relax after a stressful day), various medications that affect libido....i.e. the modern age is full of these things that interfere with intimacy.

If you had into all of these things existing relationship problems then it can be difficult to prioritize sex.

The ladies of DCUM are always talking about "red flags" in potential male husbands. So as a single 33 year old guy, what are the red flags that I should be looking for that would cause a woman to de-prioritize sex in a long term relationship? How can I make sure she doesn't fall prey to all this stuff above and continues to reflect what she advertised during the dating phase?

Dude you are so pathetic cruising DCUM with your mysoginistic fears about women not "reflecting what she advertised during the dating phase." You're 33, not 18! Women don't "fall prey" to kids, stress, overwork, money worries, sleep deprivation ... that's called being a working mother. The point of a marriage is to support each other, not to demand that your partner stay exactly the same as they were when they were young and had no responsibilities. I hope at the least that you don't have kids if you get married (but probably you should not get married at all).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In no particular order: kids, stress, overwork, money worries, sleep deprivation, unhealthy lifestyle/bad diet/lack of exercise, too much alcohol (to relax after a stressful day), various medications that affect libido....i.e. the modern age is full of these things that interfere with intimacy.

If you had into all of these things existing relationship problems then it can be difficult to prioritize sex.

The ladies of DCUM are always talking about "red flags" in potential male husbands. So as a single 33 year old guy, what are the red flags that I should be looking for that would cause a woman to de-prioritize sex in a long term relationship? How can I make sure she doesn't fall prey to all this stuff above and continues to reflect what she advertised during the dating phase?

Dude you are so pathetic cruising DCUM with your mysoginistic fears about women not "reflecting what she advertised during the dating phase." You're 33, not 18! Women don't "fall prey" to kids, stress, overwork, money worries, sleep deprivation ... that's called being a working mother. The point of a marriage is to support each other, not to demand that your partner stay exactly the same as they were when they were young and had no responsibilities. I hope at the least that you don't have kids if you get married (but probably you should not get married at all).

You make it sound like sex a couple times per week is simply impossible. You are exactly the type of wife the PP wants to avoid.

PP, obviously the dating period is when you must ensure sexual compatibility, both by actually having good/frequent sex, and by discussing how your prospective views sex. Have serious talks about the role of sex in marriage, just as you would finances, kids, or any other significant issue. You are ahead of the game by researching on DCUM the kinds of sexual issues that come up. Talk about all of this before buying that ring.

[Anonymous]

#1 - attracted but meh after so many years
#2 - of course - who doesn't' like the cute guy next-door
#3 - we've been together for 26 years
#4 - daily

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In no particular order: kids, stress, overwork, money worries, sleep deprivation, unhealthy lifestyle/bad diet/lack of exercise, too much alcohol (to relax after a stressful day), various medications that affect libido....i.e. the modern age is full of these things that interfere with intimacy.

If you had into all of these things existing relationship problems then it can be difficult to prioritize sex.

The ladies of DCUM are always talking about "red flags" in potential male husbands. So as a single 33 year old guy, what are the red flags that I should be looking for that would cause a woman to de-prioritize sex in a long term relationship? How can I make sure she doesn't fall prey to all this stuff above and continues to reflect what she advertised during the dating phase?

Dude you are so pathetic cruising DCUM with your mysoginistic fears about women not "reflecting what she advertised during the dating phase." You're 33, not 18! Women don't "fall prey" to kids, stress, overwork, money worries, sleep deprivation ... that's called being a working mother. The point of a marriage is to support each other, not to demand that your partner stay exactly the same as they were when they were young and had no responsibilities. I hope at the least that you don't have kids if you get married (but probably you should not get married at all).

You make it sound like sex a couple times per week is simply impossible. You are exactly the type of wife the PP wants to avoid.

PP, obviously the dating period is when you must ensure sexual compatibility, both by actually having good/frequent sex, and by discussing how your prospective views sex. Have serious talks about the role of sex in marriage, just as you would finances, kids, or any other significant issue. You are ahead of the game by researching on DCUM the kinds of sexual issues that come up. Talk about all of this before buying that ring.

lol well I don't really view myself as "a wife". I am a person. If pitiful bachelor PP really wants to ensure a good sex life, the #1 thing to do is to regard his partners as individuals worthy of respect.

[Anonymous]

I'm on contraception that really kills any sex drive. I like it when we get started but i find it difficult to initiate when I could be sleeping. DH does not have a super high sex drive but I've told him if I am responsible for contraception he need to handle initiation, and I never reject him.

We do have sex, not in a sexless marriage, but don't have sex once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you start your life in abject poverty or you end up with a serious illness (neither of which I would minimize) if you work hard and don't make any major mistakes (don't have a kid before you're married or ready to, do your homework and get good grades, major in a demand field, work hard at your job) it's not hard to find yourself on dry land (not millionaire mind you, but middle upper middle class).

I tend to find that people (unless they started in abject poverty -- again not minimizing that -- inequality is a huge problem our country needs to deal with) that plan wisely and defer gratification in their teens and early 20s, don't have to be in such a shitty predicament in their 30s. YMMV.

Empathy - you ever heard of it ?

And yes, I was raised in a working class family; educated with masters; millionaire in late twenties. I got lucky in a lot of ways. Not everybody does.

The globalization of labor has hurt alot of Americans. Sure some of it self inflicted by the unions at one point, but have some empathy.

And something tells me you aren't that successful because if you were you would probably have more gratitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In no particular order: kids, stress, overwork, money worries, sleep deprivation, unhealthy lifestyle/bad diet/lack of exercise, too much alcohol (to relax after a stressful day), various medications that affect libido....i.e. the modern age is full of these things that interfere with intimacy.

If you had into all of these things existing relationship problems then it can be difficult to prioritize sex.

The ladies of DCUM are always talking about "red flags" in potential male husbands. So as a single 33 year old guy, what are the red flags that I should be looking for that would cause a woman to de-prioritize sex in a long term relationship? How can I make sure she doesn't fall prey to all this stuff above and continues to reflect what she advertised during the dating phase?

You need a woman that does not want kids because she can't imagine her life changing.

Or... You need a woman that will have kids but have a nanny raise them so they don't get in the way. Maybe she can use a surrogate. Somebody that is willing to get plastic surgery so her wrinkles don't turn you off.