I don't want to be a SAHM but feel like I have no other option

[Anonymous]

OP, single dad here. I get it. Going it alone (I assume your husband is not around anymore) is hard. I have two small kids (2, 4) and feel like I am falling apart sometimes. But you've got good advice. Here's my take.

Automate EVERYTHING. Amazon-mom is your friend. Put it all on auto order so staples like trash bags, paper towels, TP, diapers, wipes, laundry detergent etc. arrives on a set schedule.

Second: Use leave when you need it. I realized that I was seriously hoarding my leave to be home with my sick kids. Yes, I needed it, but 4 times a year I take a solo personal day just to recharge.

Third, get organized. You have to have a set schedule and stick to it. Meals, cleaning, and all of the other adulting needs to be planned out. Now isn't the time you can just make a decision on the fly. Arrange your life so you don't need to actively ask -- what's for dinner, where's my dry cleaning, etc. Plan meals and cook batches on Sunday. Schedule bi-monthly dry cleaning drop offs, etc.

Are you sleeping OP? Because I think the hardest thing is to have a sense of perspective when you are exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One child, 2.

I know. I'm a total failure for not being able to handle one two year old.

I am a SAHM, and I have a really hard time handling my 2 year old too. If you don't want to quit, don't. What things are you stressing about? What can you outsource? 2 year olds are notoriously tough, but I promise that it will get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So Op tele works + her 1 kid goes to daycare....what's the problem?

She can't do errands during the day? Doesn't know how to engage with her kid outside of daycare?

Her problem is that she has zero flexibility in her schedule and apparently no partner to help in the evenings or turn their child over to so she can go to urgent care or something. She's burnt out and doesn't want to take her daughter shopping after a long day at daycare.

I get it, but this is depression making her resistant to the obvious "fixes" (more childcare, more outsourcing, more DH involvement).

Well, SAH isn't going to solve the problem. In fact, it'll make it worse and feel even more burnt out b/c you definitely won't get anything done you want (although taking your child along on errands/grocery store does break up the day and is fun).

At least you telework and have an uninterrupted lunch hour, no?

Can you give specifics OP - how often do you need to go to the doctor or dentist or shop that you can't do it on the weekend, take your kid with you, use your sick leave, order online (banking, groceries, amazon), etc.

[Anonymous]

OP- do you have an hour for lunch? If so, use that as much as possible to throw in a load of laundry or meal prep or pay some bills or run an errand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So Op tele works + her 1 kid goes to daycare....what's the problem?

She can't do errands during the day? Doesn't know how to engage with her kid outside of daycare?

Her problem is that she has zero flexibility in her schedule and apparently no partner to help in the evenings or turn their child over to so she can go to urgent care or something. She's burnt out and doesn't want to take her daughter shopping after a long day at daycare.

I get it, but this is depression making her resistant to the obvious "fixes" (more childcare, more outsourcing, more DH involvement).

I'm trying to find better childcare, but it's really limited. We're on waiting lists. We can't afford to outsource much, and are actually in discussions about dropping to once a month housecleaning or getting rid of it altogether. I do have a lawn service, which helps a bit. I could probably do more auto-order through Amazon. I tried doing a lot more premade meals from the grocery store and it got very expensive very quickly. I have started Sunday meal planning, which has helped.

DH can't be involved right now.

Another PP was right, I don't think it's depression. I really think I'm just having a hard time adjusting to this - working full time, DH being gone, having a toddler.

Do so many people really run errands during the day when they're supposed to be working? That wouldn't fly at my job, but I have a micromanager boss who calls me several times a day, and in our culture, when you're "at work", you're working. I'm really curious about this since so many people suggest I leave and do grocery shopping or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- do you have an hour for lunch? If so, use that as much as possible to throw in a load of laundry or meal prep or pay some bills or run an errand.

I usually nap over lunch. I know, I know.

[Anonymous]

Op- people do not leave work to run errands. Run the errands after work- once you get better childcare or a mothers helper or someone to take DC for a little while to give you time to do them solo. Believe me, the rest of us teleworkers aren't getting a better deal than you. We can't just up and leave our work in the middle of the day either.

Is the stuff preventing dh from helping a temporary thing or are you always going to be stuck being the 100% parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op- people do not leave work to run errands. Run the errands after work- once you get better childcare or a mothers helper or someone to take DC for a little while to give you time to do them solo. Believe me, the rest of us teleworkers aren't getting a better deal than you. We can't just up and leave our work in the middle of the day either.

Is the stuff preventing dh from helping a temporary thing or are you always going to be stuck being the 100% parent?

It's temporary, but will happen again.

[Anonymous]

Ok- so there should be a light at the end of the tunnel with regards to dh and helping. Definitely keep on trying to get different childcare and do your best to power through until dh is more available. Next time this issue with dh pops up, you'll hopefully be in a better situation and will be able to take on more without feeling overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- do you have an hour for lunch? If so, use that as much as possible to throw in a load of laundry or meal prep or pay some bills or run an errand.

I usually nap over lunch. I know, I know.

Also, you need to organize your days better. You can nap over lunch some days but not all. You need to use the hell out of that hour! You never did answer if DC is on a good sleep schedule at night. If he is not, that needs to become priority number one to ensure you get more sleep and don't waste precious hours in the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- do you have an hour for lunch? If so, use that as much as possible to throw in a load of laundry or meal prep or pay some bills or run an errand.

I usually nap over lunch. I know, I know.

Also, you need to organize your days better. You can nap over lunch some days but not all. You need to use the hell out of that hour! You never did answer if DC is on a good sleep schedule at night. If he is not, that needs to become priority number one to ensure you get more sleep and don't waste precious hours in the day.

Sorry, I missed that. Yes, she sleeps through the night, but goes to bed later than I would like. I've been trying to move it earlier, but it's not working - I think she naps too late at daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So Op tele works + her 1 kid goes to daycare....what's the problem?

She can't do errands during the day? Doesn't know how to engage with her kid outside of daycare?

Her problem is that she has zero flexibility in her schedule and apparently no partner to help in the evenings or turn their child over to so she can go to urgent care or something. She's burnt out and doesn't want to take her daughter shopping after a long day at daycare.

I get it, but this is depression making her resistant to the obvious "fixes" (more childcare, more outsourcing, more DH involvement).

I'm trying to find better childcare, but it's really limited. We're on waiting lists. We can't afford to outsource much, and are actually in discussions about dropping to once a month housecleaning or getting rid of it altogether. I do have a lawn service, which helps a bit. I could probably do more auto-order through Amazon. I tried doing a lot more premade meals from the grocery store and it got very expensive very quickly. I have started Sunday meal planning, which has helped.

DH can't be involved right now.

Another PP was right, I don't think it's depression. I really think I'm just having a hard time adjusting to this - working full time, DH being gone, having a toddler.

Do so many people really run errands during the day when they're supposed to be working? That wouldn't fly at my job, but I have a micromanager boss who calls me several times a day, and in our culture, when you're "at work", you're working. I'm really curious about this since so many people suggest I leave and do grocery shopping or whatever.

Forget the waiting list, what a scam imo. I would look for a home sitter, maybe another SAHM that only watches a few kids to make a little money. That will save you a lot. I get up a little early in the morning and each day throw a load in, put a meal together in the crock pot. One job each day helps imo.

[Anonymous]

Even if DH can't be around, he can take some things off your plate, like researching other childcare options.

My DH, even while deployed, does the majority of our household shopping, for example. Amazon Prime sells just about everything, and we've signed up for subscriptions for diapers, detergent, garbage bags, bathroom wipes, etc.. This doesn't cover everything, but it means that if I can't get to the store for a week, there will not be a diaper crisis.

When your DH is away for these temporary times, you need to accept AS A COUPLE that it will be more expensive. You get to hire more childcare (an in-home sitter a few hours a week), use grocery delivery, and increase the housekeeping. This is a temporary situation until your child grows up some.

If his job can't cover outsourcing his part of maintaining the household, then maybe you can't afford this job that takes him away for so long repeatedly ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- do you have an hour for lunch? If so, use that as much as possible to throw in a load of laundry or meal prep or pay some bills or run an errand.

I usually nap over lunch. I know, I know.

I think that's a good thing. If you nap over lunch, then that means that you need the sleep! (Or that you're depressed...) You won't do better if you're not getting enough sleep. Sleep is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op- people do not leave work to run errands. Run the errands after work- once you get better childcare or a mothers helper or someone to take DC for a little while to give you time to do them solo. Believe me, the rest of us teleworkers aren't getting a better deal than you. We can't just up and leave our work in the middle of the day either.

Is the stuff preventing dh from helping a temporary thing or are you always going to be stuck being the 100% parent?

It's temporary, but will happen again.

It might also help to redefine your expectations for what you do while he is gone. When my husband is gone, these are my expectations:

-I keep my job
-the kids are fed and go to school
-we all wear clothes when we need to wear clothes
-there are no outright health hazards in the house

That's it. Anything more than that is gravy.