I don't want to be a SAHM but feel like I have no other option

[Anonymous]

We do have a cleaning lady every two weeks, which is also the only reason the toys get picked up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks, OP. Cut yourself some slack. Little kids are hard.

Are they, though? Because my mom says they're not. She was a really shitty mother too, so it's disheartening to hear her say I can do better.

I think you need a little time off from your mother. If she can't be helpful, supportive, or empathetic, she can close her mouth.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could change your child care situation. If you are at a daycare, maybe suck up the extra cost of a nanny for a few years and have the nanny do the child-related chores and errands. Maybe get a mother's helper in the evening one of two days a week. Can you get an au pair? We have one and it changed our lives.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. That sucks. Your mom was not being very supportive. I hope you get some support from this forum.

You're saying that working keeps you sane but also that you feel like this situation isn't working for you. Is it possible a different job with more flexibility would help? If so, could you look for a job change? Is it possible you could request a more flexible schedule or something? Or take a few days off more frequently? Do you have a spouse? Could you share duties like doctors' visit more equally or ask your spouse to take more of them for a while so you can catch up at work?

Is being a SAHM feasible for you financially? If so but you want to continue working, then don't become a SAHM -- instead, look for a job that is PT or offers much more flexibility or lower stress level or responsibility. If not, then you have to consider pay as a more important element, but you might still be able to find something more flexible.

Kids are hard, and you have to give yourself some slack. You can't do it all. And it's okay. You can't be perfect at work and at home and in your personal life. Hell, you can't be perfect at any one of those things, much less all of them! You're human! This is totally normal and okay. And honestly, your SIL probably doesn't complain about this stuff to your mom because she's her MIL, not her own mom, so your mom doesn't even know the situations and irritations and problems she deals with. Don't let that bother you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do have a cleaning lady every two weeks, which is also the only reason the toys get picked up.

Maybe change it to weekly. And, order grocery delivery so you don't have to shop.

[Anonymous]

Can you take 3 or 4 days off in a row and concentrate on just getting stuff done -- plumber, electrician, handyman, spring cleaning, taxes, whatever it is that has you underwater? Do you have a partner? Where is s/he in all this?

I work full time and have a 2 year old. I would definitely be drowning if my partner didn't pitch in 50%. We split up the recurring chores (he does trash, I do baby's laundry, etc) and agree ahead of time on major one-time things like taxes (I do the initial paperwork, he double-checks it). We have a definite system going. I cook the toddler's dinner the night before, for example, so I am not scrambling when I get home with him at 6 pm. I also work from home one day a week and that is huge. I'm more productive, I can get stuff done around the house during the 90 minutes I save commuting, I can be home for plumber or whatever, and if work happens to be slow I can get some "me" time.

I get where you're coming from because I don't want to stay home either and would be awful at it. Maybe if you give us an idea of what sort of things have you drowning, people can suggest a system that would help?

[Anonymous]

Are you a single mom? Where's the DH/father of your kid in all this? Doesn't he help out?

My mom gives me crap all the time, too. It's never good enough. I keep my conversations with her to a bare minimum. I never share anything negative because I know it will end up with something that I did or didn't do.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your problem is your mother. Do your best, stop comparing yourself to SIL, and ignore your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny, my mom calls to complain I am not working. (of course, she forgets to mention that she'll rarely help out so it makes it impossible for me to work).

No matter what you do or choose, it will never be good enough for her. Accept it and move on. If working makes you happy, continue. You being happy will make you a far better mom. My mom never could have stayed at home. We all would have been in the looney bin.

No, I get that. The problem is that I'm completely underwater and I wouldn't be if I wasn't working.

I wanted to scream today. Everyone always says "Call someone if things get out of hand," and I got no support.

Are you managing most of the household things as well as most of the kid things? Maybe you need to divvy things up better with your husband. It is very exhausting to have to be on top of everything about your kids, family, house, cars, lawn, finances, school, etc while workin fulltime. Divide it up! Don't keep it all in your head, delegate it out -- not just the execution of things, but the managing on them too. Spilt the school or daycare drops/pickups.

Worked well for us, it was too much to have to remind my spouse when the garbage truck came every wee, when the lawn looked too long, etc. He used to be ridiculously tuned out. Now he isn't, but it took me hitting the wall after kid two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny, my mom calls to complain I am not working. (of course, she forgets to mention that she'll rarely help out so it makes it impossible for me to work).

No matter what you do or choose, it will never be good enough for her. Accept it and move on. If working makes you happy, continue. You being happy will make you a far better mom. My mom never could have stayed at home. We all would have been in the looney bin.

You could hire someone if you wanted to work. You don't want to, or you'd find a way to do it. It's convenient to blame it on your mom, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you telework some, or reduce your hours slightly? I work 35 hours a week and telework one day a week, and it really helps.

I telework about 90% but it doesn't help with the errands I just can't get done. For example, I've been sick on and off for two weeks but DC was too and got the doctor visit. I haven't been able to squeeze one in for me.

I can't reduce my hours.

OP, staying at home is or can be just as stressful as working. Some people just prefer one over the other. I was stressed out pumping, working and running around. Now, I can't keep up with the 3 year old at home who trashes the house constantly and we can still only make 2-3 stops during the day (including the store and a kid-friensly activity). I would have to take screaming DD to my doctors appt, too. There aren't doctor visits for SAHM's any more than their are for working moms.

You still can't run many errands with a kid at home. Maybe one or two, but then you can' do other errands. You pick the most important ones, but you are with this whining, running, meddling (cute) kid all day, so you chose carefully.

This is what "having it all" feels like. It is 6 in one basket and half a dozen in the other. We all have to accept what we can do, let go of the rest, and try really hard when we have those super hero spurts. Forgive yourself when you can't and just survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One child, 2.

I know. I'm a total failure for not being able to handle one two year old.

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you telework some, or reduce your hours slightly? I work 35 hours a week and telework one day a week, and it really helps.

I telework about 90% but it doesn't help with the errands I just can't get done. For example, I've been sick on and off for two weeks but DC was too and got the doctor visit. I haven't been able to squeeze one in for me.

I can't reduce my hours.

OP, staying at home is or can be just as stressful as working. Some people just prefer one over the other. I was stressed out pumping, working and running around. Now, I can't keep up with the 3 year old at home who trashes the house constantly and we can still only make 2-3 stops during the day (including the store and a kid-friensly activity). I would have to take screaming DD to my doctors appt, too. There aren't doctor visits for SAHM's any more than their are for working moms.

You still can't run many errands with a kid at home. Maybe one or two, but then you can' do other errands. You pick the most important ones, but you are with this whining, running, meddling (cute) kid all day, so you chose carefully.

This is what "having it all" feels like. It is 6 in one basket and half a dozen in the other. We all have to accept what we can do, let go of the rest, and try really hard when we have those super hero spurts. Forgive yourself when you can't and just survive.

Well, the doctor thing is more work than not getting an appointment. Yes, it's impossible to get appointments, but I could go to urgent care - if I hadn't already taken a half day to take DC in. My manager is less than understanding about this stuff.

[Anonymous]

What is your husband doing to help you out?

[Anonymous]

This is how I felt. Then I got an au pair. Now things aren't just fine, they're pleasant.