Why Affluent Parents Put So Much Pressure on Their Kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the country is changing into a more South American model where there is no middle class. People may not be able to articulate it this way, but they sense that the affluent ship is pulling out of the harbor and are eager for their kids to be on board.

yep - we are turning into brazil norte.

Agree. A third world country with the ultra rich and the poorest of poor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, the hospital volunteer internships are not what they were when we were young. My daughter did one where there was very little patient contact, very few opportunities to do anything other than file and clean up the play room. Apparently it has to do with liability laws and all of those precautions about bodily fluids, etc. They are no longer allowed to make beds and run things to the lab and to do all the kinds of things that we probably did when we were in high school. Nowadays an admissions committee sees them as pretty meaningless.

On the other hand, my neighbor's kid worked his way up from lifeguard to head of aquatics at some chi-chi private camp. Ended up with a lot of responsibility including making hiring decisions for other lifeguards, disciplining other lifeguards, setting up and organizing training, filling out incident reports. Probably had a lot more responsibility that could then be translated on a job application to something meaningful.

The cheezy guy in the cheap suit swanning around the 'policy conference'? He's probably the last person I would hire.

Sure. I learnt how to act professionally around senior government officials and learnt how to organize conferences, liaised with hotels, and do research on a very interesting policy topic. Glad I was just the cheesy guy in a cheap suit. I learnt a ton, but it makes you feel better that teens who get plum opportunities like that must be just lazing off their parents who don't give a damn about their work.

While I was in India I also met a pre med prior to going to his Ivy League in India for three months providing basic medical services to the village. He was not slacking off, sure his parents money got him there but I saw him taking full advantage and learning.

And how I got the policy job as a teen? I sent emails to a bunch of think tanks and networked myself. I think even teaching your child to ask for opportunities gives them a leg up.

I agree -- and this is the kind of help that is better for an affluent, connected parent to provide. Because then you are teaching your child the skill and he/she is the one putting herself out there. My DS is only in 7th grade but recently needed to interview someone for a school project. I knew people who would be appropriate for that interview but I didn't do the asking myself. I coached him through how to do it and how to conduct the conversation. Definitely, we are privileged to be in that position but he learned that he has to do the work, not just expect me to do it for him.

One summer when I was a teen I had a job at the company where my dad was an executive. Yes, my dad got me the job -- the mailroom needed some temp staff (i.e. the job was not created for me) -- but once I started the job my dad told me not to tell anybody that I was his kid. I was expected to work hard, learn, get along with the rest of the staff. No leaning on nepotism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too many people are going to college so you need another means to be at an advantage

You mean like the ability to use punctuation?

[Anonymous]

One of the RHodes scholars has a sister who is a Hollywood actress and a father who is a Hollywood producer. Just your average hard-working kid! Yeah, sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents can push all they want for Ivy. Its a scam. Both DH and I are entrepreneurs and that is a mindset that wins every time. It can even win without a degree.

My son is the ONLY child mowing lawns. He is 15 and next spring his first car will be a pickup to trailer his equipment. He has 1 kid he pays on his busiest days to help. Next spring he will drive his own truck. He has had to knock on doors, convince people to spend their money with a neighborhood kid, and deliver a consistent product. He has 14 regular customers for mowing at 40/wk each and then has been busy with leaves and mulching this fall. We're teaching him that the way to freedom and success in this country is to rely on yourself and not be an office drone.

So you are pushing and pushing him to be an entrepreneur and think this is different and somehow better than pushing and pushing a child to do well academically.
Come again?
You are just as self righteous and smug as someone whose child is excelling at a sport or a class. And you are pushing them into your own interest, which is analogous to a football player father coaching his son into a football star.

And sorry to burst your bubble, but my neighborhood is filled to the brim with dog walkers, pet sitters, lawn mowing, babysitting and even an 8 year old who will pull weeds for $5/hour (he is adorable btw)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the RHodes scholars has a sister who is a Hollywood actress and a father who is a Hollywood producer. Just your average hard-working kid! Yeah, sure.

Which one was that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can push all they want for Ivy. Its a scam. Both DH and I are entrepreneurs and that is a mindset that wins every time. It can even win without a degree.

My son is the ONLY child mowing lawns. He is 15 and next spring his first car will be a pickup to trailer his equipment. He has 1 kid he pays on his busiest days to help. Next spring he will drive his own truck. He has had to knock on doors, convince people to spend their money with a neighborhood kid, and deliver a consistent product. He has 14 regular customers for mowing at 40/wk each and then has been busy with leaves and mulching this fall. We're teaching him that the way to freedom and success in this country is to rely on yourself and not be an office drone.

So you are pushing and pushing him to be an entrepreneur and think this is different and somehow better than pushing and pushing a child to do well academically.
Come again?
You are just as self righteous and smug as someone whose child is excelling at a sport or a class. And you are pushing them into your own interest, which is analogous to a football player father coaching his son into a football star.

And sorry to burst your bubble, but my neighborhood is filled to the brim with dog walkers, pet sitters, lawn mowing, babysitting and even an 8 year old who will pull weeds for $5/hour (he is adorable btw)

I kind of felt the same way when I read about the landscaping wunderkind. Pressure is pressure, whether it is for grades, athletics, or entreprenurial activity. I think this parent's argument was that pressure for work that prepared you more for real life was better than academic pressure but am not sure.

Then I read some of the bios of the Rhodes scholars, most of whom seemed to have packed a lifetime of accomplishments into the last four years or so. They are really impressive. But then I wonder if for every one of these that has survived the pressure with huge accolades how many tens or hundreds or thousands are there that had breakdowns, attempted suicides, or otherwise just burned out under the crush of the pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a very successful entrepreneur who went to a middling college with middling grades. He does much better that most of the stress case big law folks (with a much more pleasant lifestyle).

I went to Yale and am not as successful as him. I think it's really important to recognize that there are a myriad of paths . . .

You did not go to Yale. Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a very successful entrepreneur who went to a middling college with middling grades. He does much better that most of the stress case big law folks (with a much more pleasant lifestyle).

I went to Yale and am not as successful as him. I think it's really important to recognize that there are a myriad of paths . . .

You did not go to Yale. Please.

Maybe she was a STEM major....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Wow! So many of you have drunk the 'competitive' Kool-aid. My job is to help my kids find their passion and ensure they're educated - and education isn't just found in school. I have no doubt my kids will be successful at whatever they decide to pursue. They may not be the best but they'll be happy.


I am the above "poverty poster." It has nothing to with "drinking the koolaid" and everything to do with facing reality. I don't care where my kids go to college or what career path they choose. I do care that they do not squander their high school years and close off their options before they are mature enough to even realize that they have options. They have plenty of time for extracurriculars of their choice and plenty of down time, but screwing around and closing doors by not doing their best academically (and that is different for each of my kids based upon their abilities) is not an option. Neither DH nor I had a safety net. Had we not be motivated to do our best as kids, we should still be ultra poor like our families. My kids can chose that life after they leave our home, but we are not choosing it for them by allowing them to close doors before they have ever had a chance to be opened. If you think it is easy to make a life correction then you are the one drinking the koolaid.

You've not only drunk the Kool-aid but also have poverty anxiety. You think things kids do or don't do in high school will limit their opportunities forever. I get your fear but your perception is warped and unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow! So many of you have drunk the 'competitive' Kool-aid. My job is to help my kids find their passion and ensure they're educated - and education isn't just found in school. I have no doubt my kids will be successful at whatever they decide to pursue. They may not be the best but they'll be happy.


I am the above "poverty poster." It has nothing to with "drinking the koolaid" and everything to do with facing reality. I don't care where my kids go to college or what career path they choose. I do care that they do not squander their high school years and close off their options before they are mature enough to even realize that they have options. They have plenty of time for extracurriculars of their choice and plenty of down time, but screwing around and closing doors by not doing their best academically (and that is different for each of my kids based upon their abilities) is not an option. Neither DH nor I had a safety net. Had we not be motivated to do our best as kids, we should still be ultra poor like our families. My kids can chose that life after they leave our home, but we are not choosing it for them by allowing them to close doors before they have ever had a chance to be opened. If you think it is easy to make a life correction then you are the one drinking the koolaid.

You've not only drunk the Kool-aid but also have poverty anxiety. You think things kids do or don't do in high school will limit their opportunities forever. I get your fear but your perception is warped and unhealthy.

Not warped and not-unhealthy. Good study habits, good work ethic and responsible behavior does indeed lead to success. Can someone overcome a bad start? Of course. Is or easy to overcome a crappy high school record leading to crappy college or no college admission. Of course not--particularly since it generally reflects poor study habits, poor work ethic and irresponsible behavior. People can change but generally don't fundamentally change. I have no poverty anxiety. I have lived it. I have escaped it. I could live it again if necessary. Do I want my children to potentially lock themselves into a particular economic class before their lives even start? Of course not. You make a lot of accusations and assumptions about someone who does not share your narrow world view. As the saying goes...walk a mile in my shoes--or in the case of my childhood--holey shoes. As I previously stated, the only reason DH and I escaped the poverty of our prior generations is because we prioritized education and worked our asses off. Perhaps, we should just give our kids a big trust old fund and not worry about them achieving their own success (as they eventually define the word) in life. I prefer to think they are better off using their own gifts and talents and become their own people and that starts either education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can push all they want for Ivy. Its a scam. Both DH and I are entrepreneurs and that is a mindset that wins every time. It can even win without a degree.

My son is the ONLY child mowing lawns. He is 15 and next spring his first car will be a pickup to trailer his equipment. He has 1 kid he pays on his busiest days to help. Next spring he will drive his own truck. He has had to knock on doors, convince people to spend their money with a neighborhood kid, and deliver a consistent product. He has 14 regular customers for mowing at 40/wk each and then has been busy with leaves and mulching this fall. We're teaching him that the way to freedom and success in this country is to rely on yourself and not be an office drone.

So you are pushing and pushing him to be an entrepreneur and think this is different and somehow better than pushing and pushing a child to do well academically.
Come again?
You are just as self righteous and smug as someone whose child is excelling at a sport or a class. And you are pushing them into your own interest, which is analogous to a football player father coaching his son into a football star.

And sorry to burst your bubble, but my neighborhood is filled to the brim with dog walkers, pet sitters, lawn mowing, babysitting and even an 8 year old who will pull weeds for $5/hour (he is adorable btw)

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow! So many of you have drunk the 'competitive' Kool-aid. My job is to help my kids find their passion and ensure they're educated - and education isn't just found in school. I have no doubt my kids will be successful at whatever they decide to pursue. They may not be the best but they'll be happy.


I am the above "poverty poster." It has nothing to with "drinking the koolaid" and everything to do with facing reality. I don't care where my kids go to college or what career path they choose. I do care that they do not squander their high school years and close off their options before they are mature enough to even realize that they have options. They have plenty of time for extracurriculars of their choice and plenty of down time, but screwing around and closing doors by not doing their best academically (and that is different for each of my kids based upon their abilities) is not an option. Neither DH nor I had a safety net. Had we not be motivated to do our best as kids, we should still be ultra poor like our families. My kids can chose that life after they leave our home, but we are not choosing it for them by allowing them to close doors before they have ever had a chance to be opened. If you think it is easy to make a life correction then you are the one drinking the koolaid.

You've not only drunk the Kool-aid but also have poverty anxiety. You think things kids do or don't do in high school will limit their opportunities forever. I get your fear but your perception is warped and unhealthy.

. Spoken with the obnoxious smugness of someone who had a safety net and never had to worry if they were going to have a roof over their head or a meal in their belly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow! So many of you have drunk the 'competitive' Kool-aid. My job is to help my kids find their passion and ensure they're educated - and education isn't just found in school. I have no doubt my kids will be successful at whatever they decide to pursue. They may not be the best but they'll be happy.


I am the above "poverty poster." It has nothing to with "drinking the koolaid" and everything to do with facing reality. I don't care where my kids go to college or what career path they choose. I do care that they do not squander their high school years and close off their options before they are mature enough to even realize that they have options. They have plenty of time for extracurriculars of their choice and plenty of down time, but screwing around and closing doors by not doing their best academically (and that is different for each of my kids based upon their abilities) is not an option. Neither DH nor I had a safety net. Had we not be motivated to do our best as kids, we should still be ultra poor like our families. My kids can chose that life after they leave our home, but we are not choosing it for them by allowing them to close doors before they have ever had a chance to be opened. If you think it is easy to make a life correction then you are the one drinking the koolaid.

You've not only drunk the Kool-aid but also have poverty anxiety. You think things kids do or don't do in high school will limit their opportunities forever. I get your fear but your perception is warped and unhealthy.

Not warped and not-unhealthy. Good study habits, good work ethic and responsible behavior does indeed lead to success. Can someone overcome a bad start? Of course. Is or easy to overcome a crappy high school record leading to crappy college or no college admission. Of course not--particularly since it generally reflects poor study habits, poor work ethic and irresponsible behavior. People can change but generally don't fundamentally change. I have no poverty anxiety. I have lived it. I have escaped it. I could live it again if necessary. Do I want my children to potentially lock themselves into a particular economic class before their lives even start? Of course not. You make a lot of accusations and assumptions about someone who does not share your narrow world view. As the saying goes...walk a mile in my shoes--or in the case of my childhood--holey shoes. As I previously stated, the only reason DH and I escaped the poverty of our prior generations is because we prioritized education and worked our asses off. Perhaps, we should just give our kids a big trust old fund and not worry about them achieving their own success (as they eventually define the word) in life. I prefer to think they are better off using their own gifts and talents and become their own people and that starts either education.

I grew up in modest means (parents were farmers) and sorry, but you sound nuts.

So of the most successful people in the world took very unusual paths to their success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a very successful entrepreneur who went to a middling college with middling grades. He does much better that most of the stress case big law folks (with a much more pleasant lifestyle).

I went to Yale and am not as successful as him. I think it's really important to recognize that there are a myriad of paths . . .

Curious about how your parents situation differ? We're his parents working class or entrepreneurs or were your immigrants or academics?

His: scrappy successful businessman
Mine: Professionals