Why Affluent Parents Put So Much Pressure on Their Kids

[Anonymous]

DH and I both scrapped and fought our way out of poverty working our asses off to pay for college and grad school. Working our asses off after getting jobs and delaying children until we had economic security (eventually reaching the 1%). We know for a fact that no one is going to hand our kids anything and there are no guarantees for our children--no matter how much money we amass for their future their is no guarantee that circumstances will not change--and they have to be prepared to make their own way. We have been there done that and know that personal drive, pursuit of excellence and work ethic will largely determine the options available to our children. It is up to them to determine what to do with those options. It is up to us to make sure that have the options by not squandering their academic and intellectual gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread makes me sad.

I grew up outside of the US and what I see as one of its greatest strengths is that it is the land of second chances, third chances, and fourth chances. You can fail and still have a chance to succeed. You can bomb out out of high school, take some time off, get a GED and start at a community college and still become a doctor, an engineer, or a successful entrepreneur. There is I believe almost no other country in the world where this is true.

We should be celebrating this instead of giving into the high stakes grades and testing mentality that other countries have. Most of those have just a few paths to success, while ours are practically limitless. The US is really the land of opportunity. Why would we want to change that?

This is such a good post. We shouldn't be trying to replicate the systems of other countries, we should be emphasizing the strengths of the system we have.
We don't pigeonhole kids at an early age and we allow people to try and try again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I both scrapped and fought our way out of poverty working our asses off to pay for college and grad school. Working our asses off after getting jobs and delaying children until we had economic security (eventually reaching the 1%). We know for a fact that no one is going to hand our kids anything and there are no guarantees for our children--no matter how much money we amass for their future their is no guarantee that circumstances will not change--and they have to be prepared to make their own way. We have been there done that and know that personal drive, pursuit of excellence and work ethic will largely determine the options available to our children. It is up to them to determine what to do with those options. It is up to us to make sure that have the options by not squandering their academic and intellectual gifts.

+1 well said!

[Anonymous]

Wow! So many of you have drunk the 'competitive' Kool-aid. My job is to help my kids find their passion and ensure they're educated - and education isn't just found in school. I have no doubt my kids will be successful at whatever they decide to pursue. They may not be the best but they'll be happy.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a very successful entrepreneur who went to a middling college with middling grades. He does much better that most of the stress case big law folks (with a much more pleasant lifestyle).

I went to Yale and am not as successful as him. I think it's really important to recognize that there are a myriad of paths . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! So many of you have drunk the 'competitive' Kool-aid. My job is to help my kids find their passion and ensure they're educated - and education isn't just found in school. I have no doubt my kids will be successful at whatever they decide to pursue. They may not be the best but they'll be happy.

I am the above "poverty poster." It has nothing to with "drinking the koolaid" and everything to do with facing reality. I don't care where my kids go to college or what career path they choose. I do care that they do not squander their high school years and close off their options before they are mature enough to even realize that they have options. They have plenty of time for extracurriculars of their choice and plenty of down time, but screwing around and closing doors by not doing their best academically (and that is different for each of my kids based upon their abilities) is not an option. Neither DH nor I had a safety net. Had we not be motivated to do our best as kids, we should still be ultra poor like our families. My kids can chose that life after they leave our home, but we are not choosing it for them by allowing them to close doors before they have ever had a chance to be opened. If you think it is easy to make a life correction then you are the one drinking the koolaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:
I agree. We demand our kids work just like we did at a young age. It teaches them a work ethic that will carry them a long way. The kids who have a life spoon fed to them do not do well in the real world.

Interesting discussion. I am Asian and we don't expect teenagers to have part time jobs. Asian parents want their kids to focus on their grades and academics which we consider their "job".

I'm Asian, and I have told my kids that they will have to work a PT job if they want extra spending money. Having a PT job in HS/college years teaches a teen some responsibility and how to deal with people in the work place. There is value in that later on in life. I think some parents do a disservice to their kids by not cultivating their social skills and such. These soft skills are quite important in most of the workplace.

It also teaches great time management skills.

And, as someone who hires college interns, I don't hire someone who has NO work experience. If all you have is academic experience on your resume then you don't make the cut. The work experience doesn't have to be related to the internship (usually the academic projects fill that requirement) but even working at a restaurant, retail store or as a camp counselor shows me that you have some experience showing up for a job, interacting with people, providing service to clients.

Good point.

My small company hired in a cohort of about 8 college grades from an elite area school. Most of them had no working experience of note - HS or during college. We got to 'pick' our teams and I requested the lone person that had been working at Starbucks while trying to find a FT job. She was hands down, the most self-motivated, productive and quick learning team member. And she was the FIRST one the customer lured away to hire directly. I say...there's no substitute for hustle. You always need that, especially in the lean times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I agree. We demand our kids work just like we did at a young age. It teaches them a work ethic that will carry them a long way. The kids who have a life spoon fed to them do not do well in the real world.

Interesting discussion. I am Asian and we don't expect teenagers to have part time jobs. Asian parents want their kids to focus on their grades and academics which we consider their "job".

I'm Asian, and I have told my kids that they will have to work a PT job if they want extra spending money. Having a PT job in HS/college years teaches a teen some responsibility and how to deal with people in the work place. There is value in that later on in life. I think some parents do a disservice to their kids by not cultivating their social skills and such. These soft skills are quite important in most of the workplace.

It also teaches great time management skills.

And, as someone who hires college interns, I don't hire someone who has NO work experience. If all you have is academic experience on your resume then you don't make the cut. The work experience doesn't have to be related to the internship (usually the academic projects fill that requirement) but even working at a restaurant, retail store or as a camp counselor shows me that you have some experience showing up for a job, interacting with people, providing service to clients.

Good point.

My small company hired in a cohort of about 8 college grades from an elite area school. Most of them had no working experience of note - HS or during college. We got to 'pick' our teams and I requested the lone person that had been working at Starbucks while trying to find a FT job. She was hands down, the most self-motivated, productive and quick learning team member. And she was the FIRST one the customer lured away to hire directly. I say...there's no substitute for hustle. You always need that, especially in the lean times.

It amazes me that kids go through not only high school but college without ever having worked. Every kid should work at a minimum wage type job just to gain that experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I agree. We demand our kids work just like we did at a young age. It teaches them a work ethic that will carry them a long way. The kids who have a life spoon fed to them do not do well in the real world.

Interesting discussion. I am Asian and we don't expect teenagers to have part time jobs. Asian parents want their kids to focus on their grades and academics which we consider their "job".

I'm Asian, and I have told my kids that they will have to work a PT job if they want extra spending money. Having a PT job in HS/college years teaches a teen some responsibility and how to deal with people in the work place. There is value in that later on in life. I think some parents do a disservice to their kids by not cultivating their social skills and such. These soft skills are quite important in most of the workplace.

It also teaches great time management skills.

And, as someone who hires college interns, I don't hire someone who has NO work experience. If all you have is academic experience on your resume then you don't make the cut. The work experience doesn't have to be related to the internship (usually the academic projects fill that requirement) but even working at a restaurant, retail store or as a camp counselor shows me that you have some experience showing up for a job, interacting with people, providing service to clients.

Good point.

My small company hired in a cohort of about 8 college grades from an elite area school. Most of them had no working experience of note - HS or during college. We got to 'pick' our teams and I requested the lone person that had been working at Starbucks while trying to find a FT job. She was hands down, the most self-motivated, productive and quick learning team member. And she was the FIRST one the customer lured away to hire directly. I say...there's no substitute for hustle. You always need that, especially in the lean times.

This makes a lot of sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the country is changing into a more South American model where there is no middle class. People may not be able to articulate it this way, but they sense that the affluent ship is pulling out of the harbor and are eager for their kids to be on board.

yep - we are turning into brazil norte.

This is what drives me. DH and I were born lower middle class and have had to work so, so hard to break (barely) into the UMC. We sacrifice like crazy to send our kids to private schools and pay for enrichment and athletics and push them fairly hard because we are terrified of what might happen to them if we don't. We don't make enough to leave them an inheritance of any real worth. They must be able to support themselves.

I really don't understand this attitude it's not like the only way to a comfortable lifestyle is private schools and a top 50 college. Yes, I would love for my children to go to a top college as well, but tons of people go to middling colleges and still become solidly middle class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can push all they want for Ivy. Its a scam. Both DH and I are entrepreneurs and that is a mindset that wins every time. It can even win without a degree.

My son is the ONLY child mowing lawns. He is 15 and next spring his first car will be a pickup to trailer his equipment. He has 1 kid he pays on his busiest days to help. Next spring he will drive his own truck. He has had to knock on doors, convince people to spend their money with a neighborhood kid, and deliver a consistent product. He has 14 regular customers for mowing at 40/wk each and then has been busy with leaves and mulching this fall. We're teaching him that the way to freedom and success in this country is to rely on yourself and not be an office drone.

I agree. We demand our kids work just like we did at a young age. It teaches them a work ethic that will carry them a long way. The kids who have a life spoon fed to them do not do well in the real world.

Interesting discussion. I am Asian and we don't expect teenagers to have part time jobs. Asian parents want their kids to focus on their grades and academics which we consider their "job".

I am white but with the Asian parents here. Maybe if my kids would overindulge and get cocky and know it all about life I would push a manual labor experience but that's about it.

Did you read the post about how all things being equal, an employer would rather hire someone who has *some* kind of work experience (be it manual, fast food services, or white collar) than over someone who has no work experience? You might be doing your child a disservice. Also, colleges see a lot of applicants with stellar education credentials. What will set your child apart from the rest of the pack? If I saw a kid that had not the best test scores/grades, but had a side business mowing lawns, I'd pick him over a student with excellent grades and nothing else. Why? Because the other student shows leadership and entrepreneural skills in the real world, and chances are, this is the kind of person that will start a company, create jobs, and become a leader in the real world.

Depends on what kind of work experience. To get my kid an elite job I'll be pulling connections for him to intern at a friends office in some capacity or another during his summer. Not mowing lawns. If he starts his own business it will be something to do in the tech start up realm. Other than that his job is school. You have to play it smart. Frankly Goldman Sachs ain't looking for waiteressing experience.

Right. Goldman Sachs is looking for connections. So by pulling connections, you're showing GS that your son is well-connected. That's a lot different than skilled. For those of us who aren't connected, it's a whole different ballgame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can push all they want for Ivy. Its a scam. Both DH and I are entrepreneurs and that is a mindset that wins every time. It can even win without a degree.

My son is the ONLY child mowing lawns. He is 15 and next spring his first car will be a pickup to trailer his equipment. He has 1 kid he pays on his busiest days to help. Next spring he will drive his own truck. He has had to knock on doors, convince people to spend their money with a neighborhood kid, and deliver a consistent product. He has 14 regular customers for mowing at 40/wk each and then has been busy with leaves and mulching this fall. We're teaching him that the way to freedom and success in this country is to rely on yourself and not be an office drone.

I agree. We demand our kids work just like we did at a young age. It teaches them a work ethic that will carry them a long way. The kids who have a life spoon fed to them do not do well in the real world.

Interesting discussion. I am Asian and we don't expect teenagers to have part time jobs. Asian parents want their kids to focus on their grades and academics which we consider their "job".

Why do people think that Goldman Sachs is the only way to a comfortable life?

I am white but with the Asian parents here. Maybe if my kids would overindulge and get cocky and know it all about life I would push a manual labor experience but that's about it.

Did you read the post about how all things being equal, an employer would rather hire someone who has *some* kind of work experience (be it manual, fast food services, or white collar) than over someone who has no work experience? You might be doing your child a disservice. Also, colleges see a lot of applicants with stellar education credentials. What will set your child apart from the rest of the pack? If I saw a kid that had not the best test scores/grades, but had a side business mowing lawns, I'd pick him over a student with excellent grades and nothing else. Why? Because the other student shows leadership and entrepreneural skills in the real world, and chances are, this is the kind of person that will start a company, create jobs, and become a leader in the real world.

Depends on what kind of work experience. To get my kid an elite job I'll be pulling connections for him to intern at a friends office in some capacity or another during his summer. Not mowing lawns. If he starts his own business it will be something to do in the tech start up realm. Other than that his job is school. You have to play it smart. Frankly Goldman Sachs ain't looking for waiteressing experience.

Right. Goldman Sachs is looking for connections. So by pulling connections, you're showing GS that your son is well-connected. That's a lot different than skilled. For those of us who aren't connected, it's a whole different ballgame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can push all they want for Ivy. Its a scam. Both DH and I are entrepreneurs and that is a mindset that wins every time. It can even win without a degree.

My son is the ONLY child mowing lawns. He is 15 and next spring his first car will be a pickup to trailer his equipment. He has 1 kid he pays on his busiest days to help. Next spring he will drive his own truck. He has had to knock on doors, convince people to spend their money with a neighborhood kid, and deliver a consistent product. He has 14 regular customers for mowing at 40/wk each and then has been busy with leaves and mulching this fall. We're teaching him that the way to freedom and success in this country is to rely on yourself and not be an office drone.

I agree. We demand our kids work just like we did at a young age. It teaches them a work ethic that will carry them a long way. The kids who have a life spoon fed to them do not do well in the real world.

Interesting discussion. I am Asian and we don't expect teenagers to have part time jobs. Asian parents want their kids to focus on their grades and academics which we consider their "job".

Why do people think that Goldman Sachs is the only way to a comfortable life?

I am white but with the Asian parents here. Maybe if my kids would overindulge and get cocky and know it all about life I would push a manual labor experience but that's about it.

Did you read the post about how all things being equal, an employer would rather hire someone who has *some* kind of work experience (be it manual, fast food services, or white collar) than over someone who has no work experience? You might be doing your child a disservice. Also, colleges see a lot of applicants with stellar education credentials. What will set your child apart from the rest of the pack? If I saw a kid that had not the best test scores/grades, but had a side business mowing lawns, I'd pick him over a student with excellent grades and nothing else. Why? Because the other student shows leadership and entrepreneural skills in the real world, and chances are, this is the kind of person that will start a company, create jobs, and become a leader in the real world.

Depends on what kind of work experience. To get my kid an elite job I'll be pulling connections for him to intern at a friends office in some capacity or another during his summer. Not mowing lawns. If he starts his own business it will be something to do in the tech start up realm. Other than that his job is school. You have to play it smart. Frankly Goldman Sachs ain't looking for waiteressing experience.

Right. Goldman Sachs is looking for connections. So by pulling connections, you're showing GS that your son is well-connected. That's a lot different than skilled. For those of us who aren't connected, it's a whole different ballgame.

Why do people think that Goldman Sachs is the only way to a comfortable life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can push all they want for Ivy. Its a scam. Both DH and I are entrepreneurs and that is a mindset that wins every time. It can even win without a degree.

My son is the ONLY child mowing lawns. He is 15 and next spring his first car will be a pickup to trailer his equipment. He has 1 kid he pays on his busiest days to help. Next spring he will drive his own truck. He has had to knock on doors, convince people to spend their money with a neighborhood kid, and deliver a consistent product. He has 14 regular customers for mowing at 40/wk each and then has been busy with leaves and mulching this fall. We're teaching him that the way to freedom and success in this country is to rely on yourself and not be an office drone.

I agree. We demand our kids work just like we did at a young age. It teaches them a work ethic that will carry them a long way. The kids who have a life spoon fed to them do not do well in the real world.

Interesting discussion. I am Asian and we don't expect teenagers to have part time jobs. Asian parents want their kids to focus on their grades and academics which we consider their "job".

I am white but with the Asian parents here. Maybe if my kids would overindulge and get cocky and know it all about life I would push a manual labor experience but that's about it.

Did you read the post about how all things being equal, an employer would rather hire someone who has *some* kind of work experience (be it manual, fast food services, or white collar) than over someone who has no work experience? You might be doing your child a disservice. Also, colleges see a lot of applicants with stellar education credentials. What will set your child apart from the rest of the pack? If I saw a kid that had not the best test scores/grades, but had a side business mowing lawns, I'd pick him over a student with excellent grades and nothing else. Why? Because the other student shows leadership and entrepreneural skills in the real world, and chances are, this is the kind of person that will start a company, create jobs, and become a leader in the real world.

Depends on what kind of work experience. To get my kid an elite job I'll be pulling connections for him to intern at a friends office in some capacity or another during his summer. Not mowing lawns. If he starts his own business it will be something to do in the tech start up realm. Other than that his job is school. You have to play it smart. Frankly Goldman Sachs ain't looking for waiteressing experience.

Right. Goldman Sachs is looking for connections. So by pulling connections, you're showing GS that your son is well-connected. That's a lot different than skilled. For those of us who aren't connected, it's a whole different ballgame.

+1. And this plays right into OP 's post. The parents never stop pulling strings and calling in connections. Isn't it healthier at some point for the kids to learn to make their own way? As an employer, I would hire the kid who started own his mowing business over the kid who was handed an internship on a silver platter in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

About the Atlantic article, I think some general lessons can be drawn, but I'm pretty sure growing up in Palo Alto has its own unique pressures.

These kids are growing up in the shadow of Silicon Valley, where start-ups, to paraphrase an SV venture capitalist, either win and win huge, or get essentially a set of steak knives for taking second place. There is no prize for third place. Real estate is so breathtakingly expensive that the kids and their parents are all aware that the kids almost certainly will never be able to afford to live in the area in which they grew up.

The pressure these kids face must be unreal.