Isn't it a bit insensitive for parents to constantly post the little pre parties and post parties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's no rule that says that you can't post pictures of an event that excludes others but most decent and kind people i know do avoid posting.

If my kid has a birthday party that excludes some of his friends (based on size limitations) by all means, I DON'T post pictures of it on Facebook! Why do something that risks making other feel bad? Why not just err on the side of being kind?

+1, nice people, considerate people, and people with grace and manners do not do this. They rarely post at all or are not even on FB posting duck faces.

I agree with these two PPs.

For example, my 8yo DD has a bday party coming up and we have not invited all the girls in her class b/c of space limitations. I certainly won't be posting pics of the party on FB. That's just thoughtless. Otherwise, I am actually a rather prolific FB poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew a mom at a top private who was a complete wackadoodle. She was a climber and constantly trying to get friends through her children's social interactions (playdates, activities, etc). She was always talking about who she knew (although very superficially), which neighborhood she lived in (although worst house in said neighborhood), how rude, mean, or ill-mannered other people where (blind to her own behavior), and always wanted to know what everyone else was doing after school or on weekends. Once people got to know her they realized she was crazy, insecure, hypocritical, and socially intolerable. This realization would result in them stepping back from the relationship and putting a wall up. Not wanting to be rude or cause an inappropriate confrontation, many people never actually told her she was crazy and had issues, they just quietly backed off or remained very superficial with her. She did not take this backing off very well and became even more crazy, insecure, and socially intolerable. She even blamed other people (paranoia) for her lack of friends and inability to climb higher up the social ladder. She completely lacked the insight that it was she who was the problem and no one else. Unfortunately, people like this will never change. Their psychological issues run deep and they will always live in a state of angst. Very sad and pathetic situation, especially for the children who will likely learn from her bad habits and continue the cycle or be damaged emotionally themselves.

That being said, get over your issues with social media posts. Whether bad or good, they are part of our life and children's future. Do not pass your insecurity and jealousy issues with it onto your children, instead teach them to be confident and imposer them to have their own party and make new friends.

Is this for real? Since when is trying to be friends with your children's friends parents social climbing? I sure hope that "wall" you all put up didn't hurt her children as well. Hope you are not at our school.

[Anonymous]

10:41 It is social climbing when someone tries REALLY hard to be friends with the social wealthy set and don't value or respect the friendships they have with the non social wealthy set. It's all about how you treat people. When someone is mean, fake, condescending, and back stabbing to only the people they are not trying to impress then people are going to pull away. When you have tried for years to look the other way or be patient with bad behavior and things don't improve, then it shouldn't be a bad thing to pull away.

[Anonymous]

So you don't want anyone to carpool? Everyone should arrive at the event solo and meet up there to make it fair? Let's be honest, most of the "pre-party" pics are simply group photos from a group of friends going together in a carpool. My goodness, people are sensitive.

Anonymous wrote:It is completely rude and insensitive when parents behave like mean 13 year olds, which is how they behave by hijacking school wide events (which should be the great levelers for inclusion for all students) by creating groups within the groups pre and post. These cliques should have their gatherings on dates other than big events many kids are excited about. Once the pre party pics are posted the outsiders feel excluded and the insiders turn even more inward. It's bad enough when it happens in high school but really obnoxious for parents of young kids to set the example early on. And for those readers who don't use FB that is always positive-- but the kids will all get the info and it is hurtful. Grow up parents and be a model of inclusion-- have your gatherings another time.

[Anonymous]

PP if it just about logistics, carpooling, how about not posting the pictures all over FB? Forget about the adults, the kids who get hurt.

[Anonymous]

My DD is in elementary school and it seems to be common for the to host invite a group to a birthday party and then a subset of the invited guests to the "pre-party" and some to the "post-party." Since the invite only includes the invitees for the main party, everyone eventually figures out that they've been included/excluded from the pre/post parties when parents try to arrange carpools. The kids of course discuss who will be at the pre/post or, god forbid, just the regular party. I really don't see the point of having a party like this for young kids other than to create an air of exclusivity. If the OP is referring to this type of scenario, I agree it's rude.

If the main event is a school function and there are simply pre or post parties that parents host where it isn't realistic to invite the whole group then I don't think it's a big deal. The OP should just organize a pre/post party for her child and some friends as well.

[Anonymous]

omg people have pre & post parties for kid's birthday parties? hahahahahahahahahahaha. I love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is posting pictures on FB rude?? If you don't want to see them, stay off FB, unfollow, or unfriend. You can choose what you look at. It's not like pictures are showing up in your mail to taunt you. People are crazy.

FB is kind of like a big billboard and your FB "friends" are the people you know come by to look at it from time to time. Most people would understand it would be rude to post pictures on an actual billboard of a party to which frequent visitors to the billboard were uninvited.

Sure, if their feelings were hurt, one could always retort after the fact, "It's your own fault for looking." Which is not only clueless and insensitive, but not even really true because they only have that option after they've been made to feel crappy. Before the fact they probably expect, reasonably, that their friends will treat them as such.

One could write a whole book about what it is about social media to cause people to forget basic manners, but this is a classic case. If we weren't talking about FB here it would be pretty obvious that this is rude.

This is a function of how *you* use Facebook. FB friends are either your actual friends, in which case why would you care that they're posting pictures of parties you aren't at, or you aren't actually friends - just FB friends - and again, then why would you care about pics if they're not actually your friends. The only problem is when you're FB friends, and somehow you think it should mean you're actually friends when you're not.

[Anonymous]

There's no rule that says that you can't post pictures of an event that excludes others but most decent and kind people i know do avoid posting.

If my kid has a birthday party that excludes some of his friends (based on size limitations) by all means, I DON'T post pictures of it on Facebook! Why do something that risks making other feel bad? Why not just err on the side of being kind?

+1

[Anonymous]

I understand why parents have pre and post parties. Don't kids have to invite everyone to their birthday party now so no one has their feelings hurt? Kind of like how no one wins a soccer game and everyone receives a trophy? The fact is some kids get left out and you have to face reality sooner or later. 50 years ago your child wouldn't have been invited to the party and now they aren't invited to the preparty. Not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand why parents have pre and post parties. Don't kids have to invite everyone to their birthday party now so no one has their feelings hurt? Kind of like how no one wins a soccer game and everyone receives a trophy? The fact is some kids get left out and you have to face reality sooner or later. 50 years ago your child wouldn't have been invited to the party and now they aren't invited to the preparty. Not a big deal.

Right, but why post it on FB? If the party was fun, just enjoy the fun. The posting seems like it's mostly about making it clear the group was exclusive. That said, I find most facebook posting kind of lame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand why parents have pre and post parties. Don't kids have to invite everyone to their birthday party now so no one has their feelings hurt? Kind of like how no one wins a soccer game and everyone receives a trophy?

The issue here isn't whether everyone has to be invited to every party, but whether it's rude to circulate pictures of an exclusive party to those who weren't invited to it.

Answer, for those not keeping score at home: yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is posting pictures on FB rude?? If you don't want to see them, stay off FB, unfollow, or unfriend. You can choose what you look at. It's not like pictures are showing up in your mail to taunt you. People are crazy.

FB is kind of like a big billboard and your FB "friends" are the people you know come by to look at it from time to time. Most people would understand it would be rude to post pictures on an actual billboard of a party to which frequent visitors to the billboard were uninvited.

Sure, if their feelings were hurt, one could always retort after the fact, "It's your own fault for looking." Which is not only clueless and insensitive, but not even really true because they only have that option after they've been made to feel crappy. Before the fact they probably expect, reasonably, that their friends will treat them as such.

One could write a whole book about what it is about social media to cause people to forget basic manners, but this is a classic case. If we weren't talking about FB here it would be pretty obvious that this is rude.

This is a function of how *you* use Facebook. FB friends are either your actual friends, in which case why would you care that they're posting pictures of parties you aren't at, or you aren't actually friends - just FB friends - and again, then why would you care about pics if they're not actually your friends. The only problem is when you're FB friends, and somehow you think it should mean you're actually friends when you're not.

Of course you'd care if actual friends didn't invite you to a party, and then sent you pictures of the party you were excluded from. So your first hypothetical above makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Unless the kids have access to Facebook, isn't this all just moms using their kids to create social drama for themselves? As someone already asked (and was totally ignored) why are you showing the kids the Facebook posts? Or is it just you looking at them and being upset that you, oops, I mean your kid, are being excluded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless the kids have access to Facebook, isn't this all just moms using their kids to create social drama for themselves? As someone already asked (and was totally ignored) why are you showing the kids the Facebook posts? Or is it just you looking at them and being upset that you, oops, I mean your kid, are being excluded.

Yes it's moms creating drama, though the drama is being created by those who value advertising the exclusive quality of their kids' social life over courtesy to others.

I do agree that being rude to other parents isn't as bad as if this were direct rudeness to children. But as a defense of rudeness to anyone, that's weak sauce.