Just found out husband cheating he texted me instead of her by accident

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Wow, 8:20. You are projecting A LOT. Who said anything about spa vacations and girlfriends' weekends? She mentioned that she pays for 3 cell phones - 2 belonging to her family and one belonging to his. I'm not really sure what you're trying to accomplish, other than possibly describing a marriage dynamic you know more about than the OP's.


+1
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here thanks I strangely feel better sharing this with someone. The presentation went fine.

I know its not my fault. It is a choice to cheat. Any problems in my marriage are joint, I play a role and so does he. We have had problems and ups and downs like most and yet I never cheated. However, it is not on me what he choose to do next. If you are hungry and go to Safeway and steal, it is still wrong. I think its a coward's way out to just try to find someone else.

Part of me thinks he maybe wanted me to see it? Who would be that stupid to text wife instead of love interest. I am grateful I didn't have to suffer not knowing.

Thanks for support.


Everything you said above is spot-on.

Cheaters choose to cheat.

Real men work out problems--and if they cannot be solved they leave the relationship BEFORE they lie and cheat.

I have zero respect for a cheater. It would forever change the way I looked at them.


We don't know what her husband has or hasn't done to try and work out the relationship. Of course it's dumb of a henpecked or otherwise mistreated husband to cheat because it gives his wife a martyr card she can use for the rest of her natural lifespan.

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"So, it was her fault, right? She should just forgive him this one time he cheated and do what he wants, then all would be fine."

It's one time thing because he was CAUGHT.


My wife cheated because I was supposedly a jerk and she had pent up resentment and we went to therapy and it worked out. So why would this be different? There may be slightly different facts but people cheat for different reasons. Some are weak and forgiveness can work sometimes. A marriage is a long time.


Of course you were a jerk, she was back-justifying everything she was doing. It wasn't her fault, you see, it was you being a jerk so she had no other choice!

Anonymous wrote:OP here it basically said it was the best lunch ever and he could kiss her for hours and not just a peck and that he is really hoping to see her again. Said that he was very hot for her and that she was a knockout and that he hoped she was "moist" too. Said something about bringing vibrating panties next time. Said he wants to get together for fun but doesn't have to be actual sex? Overall was tough text to receive as I was helping kids with school stuff. My sense it was all in a public place and he left wanting more.

I am not contacting anyone except I have appointment with my therapist I used to see on Friday, I am focusing on what I want and what will be good for me and for kids. There are past issues (not cheating but serious) and this is the last straw for me.

He texted me today saying that he knows he hurt me, knows he is wrong but that there are things I have done that made him lost trust and that he wants to go to a counselor. I am feeling pretty done and don't have any desire to hash out further when I really think my future is better without him. The things he keeps bringing up are again the sex issue and also that I have been paying or my sisters and my nephews cell phones for the last few years because she is really broke and I want to help her, I added two lines to my cell account. I also pay for his mom's phone btw. This is all small amounts of $ compared to the thousands he threw away away gambling in 2 trips to Vegas that I did not approve of.

The sex is up and down. When its good its really good. He is really good in bed and very giving. However, no matter how often it is whether is weekly, twice week or more...its never enough, if its 20 minutes he wants long drawn out affair every time, if I wear nice lingerie he wants stripper shoes and a vibrator and wants to watch porn on top of all that. I'm open to that and we have watched in past but I don't want my sex life to resume a porno. He has talked about adding more excitement and passion but I am really happy with how things are. I want to feel like *I* am enough. I am in good shape and dress nice and take care of self. I am good at my job and make great money, and I am good mom. I know I deserve alot more and I am to the point that I'd really rather be alone than deal with his constant issues. I am waiting to discuss this with him until we have a time without kids and also not at home where things can escalate.

Thanks folks for sharing your stories, I know this is a common issue helps to realize that.


Gambling problems ... not cool. On the other hand I assume you're not going off on girlfriends trips 3-4x a year and spending an equal amount on spa trips, 4-star restaurants, etc.

I assume your relatives aren't showing up all the time, treating him like dirt, and then essentially freeloading. Not cool to get pissy about $3k lost in gambling but then give away $10k to your freeloading relatives, but I suspect you know that already.

I suspect the counseling is an attempt to find a counselor that will take his side. A weak counselor will sense who doesn't want to be there, and will then assign all blame to the other person (i.e. telling the reluctant partner what they want to hear.) Be careful for that trap but counseling can be done after you two have separated. With that said, make clear what you want from the separation -- either a serious attempt to work things out or just waiting 12 months plus however long it takes the court to get to you. If you are serious about wanting to work things out maybe it's possible for him to move to the basement for a while.

If you take him back, he has to grovel and make real changes, but at the end you have to forgive.

He may well be a selfish asshole that has been addled by the unrealism of porn (where women have endless amounts of free time to get all dressed up, etc.)

Others have covered the obvious -- consult a lawyer before moving out or trying to kick him out, don't sleep with him again until you get STD tests, etc.

In VA adultery can affect asset distribution but it will be $$$ and difficult especially if he cleans up his act going forward (if you can catch an ongoing affair and then present him w/ evidence it can go down more smoothly.)

You're not going to get custody affected unless you can prove he's doing drugs, having multiple prostitutes over when the kids are home, etc. An affair with Jane over in accounting won't affect custody at all, don't waste time and $$$ on that. Do get a good division of assets, do get spousal support if you have stayed at home several years, and do make sure child support gets paid.

Divorce also means he can move on and openly look for other women, using the kids as props to impress gullible 28 year olds. It doesn't mean "life goes on as normal but no mean husband anymore."

Good luck.


Wow PP, you're obviously working through your own issues, but you should probably start your own thread on your own story, instead of jumping in OPs thread and throwing out a bunch of unsupported accusations. Of course we don't know all the details of OPs situation. But guess what, neither do you (unless you're her DH!). So your assumptions and extreme leaps in your post are uncalled for and totally unproductive. Start your own thread since you've obviously got a situation you haven't gotten over yet.
Anonymous
Drill him up the ass
Anonymous
OP -- try to work through it. I did with my DH when he cheated. We went to counseling and worked through some issues. I couldn't stand the thought of some other woman getting my man and then for me to be left alone to raise a kid. I know you're probably angry and it's not your fault, but it is your life and do the best for yourself. Not everyone has to get divorced when there is cheating.
Anonymous
You two are sexually incompatible. It was never going to work out.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP -- try to work through it. I did with my DH when he cheated. We went to counseling and worked through some issues. I couldn't stand the thought of some other woman getting my man and then for me to be left alone to raise a kid. I know you're probably angry and it's not your fault, but it is your life and do the best for yourself. Not everyone has to get divorced when there is cheating.


It sounds like there is alot more going on other than the cheating. OP has every right to walk.
Anonymous
OP he sounds like he has poor impulse control. Nothing wrong with drawn-out sex sometimes, but god, every time he expects you to wear a stripper getup and watch porn? Yeah, that's not an "every time" thing. You are really making me feel lucky about my DH (who loves sex and would happily have it every day if we could, but who is reasonable about our limited time and doesn't blame me when we aren't having it as frequently as he'd like -- realistically with two little ones under 3, we probably average once every two weeks whereas before it was twice a week!). Not humblebrag, just goes to show you CAN find a good man who doesn't act like a horny teenager and then blame you for not living up to his every fantasy and retaliate by having an affair.

I guess I am saying: this man is not compatible with you, and he is immature and sounds like he wants lots of risk (affairs, gambling, etc). You really are better off without someone like that in your life.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hugs to you, OP. It sounds like you're doing a good job. He's got some nerve trying to justify his behavior by blaming you. You really do deserve better than this. You sound like an amazing person.


Women justify cheating all the time by saying their husbands are controlling etc. Maybe she should try therapy and listen to his concerns.


Your generalizations aren't helpful. We all know 'people' justify cheating all the time. Those justifications lack merit. Nothing justifies it.
Anonymous
OP here was humored by the spa weekend tangent, I do get a massage twice a year when I am at a work conference does that count? I don't care about material stuff that much. He has to drive luxury car and has a motorcycle. He had a minor accident Saturday on his motorcycle and broke his wrist and is on crutches. Yes, he went on that date despite the accident taking place the day before.

I did pull up cell records, he was texting to something that looked like yahoo messenger for a few days about a month ago. Then it moved to a real cell number tons of texts starting a few weeks ago. No texting since the big discover.

And one pp mentioned about him probably earning alot less than me, spot on, he quit a solid job five years ago and has not been able to work steady ever since, he has had contract and short term jobs but nothing permenent. One year he did not work at all but was "looking." He is currently on a six month consulting job but that will end too. So yes, his impulse issues also impacted career as well.

Trying to keep it together this week as I am a few days from a 2 week work vacation.


Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP here was humored by the spa weekend tangent, I do get a massage twice a year when I am at a work conference does that count? I don't care about material stuff that much. He has to drive luxury car and has a motorcycle. He had a minor accident Saturday on his motorcycle and broke his wrist and is on crutches. Yes, he went on that date despite the accident taking place the day before.

I did pull up cell records, he was texting to something that looked like yahoo messenger for a few days about a month ago. Then it moved to a real cell number tons of texts starting a few weeks ago. No texting since the big discover.

And one pp mentioned about him probably earning alot less than me, spot on, he quit a solid job five years ago and has not been able to work steady ever since, he has had contract and short term jobs but nothing permenent. One year he did not work at all but was "looking." He is currently on a six month consulting job but that will end too. So yes, his impulse issues also impacted career as well.

Trying to keep it together this week as I am a few days from a 2 week work vacation.


OP, I am so sorry you're going through this.

I think it's important for you to think about what you want and what would be best for you, in addition to what would be best for your family. How old are your kids? If you divorce, it sounds like it's possible that you could end up responsible for child support given his income instability. It also sounds like he has a demonstrated history of poor decisionmaking skills and impulse control. It also sounds like he deflects and blames you for problems. If you are amenable to counseling, these are things that could probably be addressed there. In your posts, however, it sounds like there are other issues and that maybe you are not interested in resolving them so much as ending the marriage and moving on.

Either way, peace be with you during this awful time.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP here was humored by the spa weekend tangent, I do get a massage twice a year when I am at a work conference does that count? I don't care about material stuff that much. He has to drive luxury car and has a motorcycle. He had a minor accident Saturday on his motorcycle and broke his wrist and is on crutches. Yes, he went on that date despite the accident taking place the day before.

I did pull up cell records, he was texting to something that looked like yahoo messenger for a few days about a month ago. Then it moved to a real cell number tons of texts starting a few weeks ago. No texting since the big discover.

And one pp mentioned about him probably earning alot less than me, spot on, he quit a solid job five years ago and has not been able to work steady ever since, he has had contract and short term jobs but nothing permenent. One year he did not work at all but was "looking." He is currently on a six month consulting job but that will end too. So yes, his impulse issues also impacted career as well.

Trying to keep it together this week as I am a few days from a 2 week work vacation.


OK, so my point about "spa weekends" was wholly untrue. Seems he has champagne tastes and a beer budget/work ethic. I bet he is convinced you're holding him back somehow.

Seems in addition to the cheating he is of limited use as a provider/household partner ...

Good luck. He either needs to be a fantastic provider, a fantastic husband, or good at both.
Anonymous
The guy went on a date and you guys have them divorced already. It sounds like there have been marital issues, and now you're being forced to confront them. It could be much worse. It sounds like you can work though it if you want to. I'd ignore most of the posts here, and move on with fixing it.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:The guy went on a date and you guys have them divorced already. It sounds like there have been marital issues, and now you're being forced to confront them. It could be much worse. It sounds like you can work though it if you want to. I'd ignore most of the posts here, and move on with fixing it.


Yeah oddly enough we seem to be concerned that the married guy went on a date. In addition to being an underemployed compulsive gambler. Lots of reasons to stay with that gem of a guy!
Anonymous
I love when the cheater immediately starts the "Oh we should go to counseling" bullshit.

If he/she wasn't caught, they'd be banging out whoever they were messing with next chance they got.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The guy went on a date and you guys have them divorced already. It sounds like there have been marital issues, and now you're being forced to confront them. It could be much worse. It sounds like you can work though it if you want to. I'd ignore most of the posts here, and move on with fixing it.


Yeah oddly enough we seem to be concerned that the married guy went on a date. In addition to being an underemployed compulsive gambler. Lots of reasons to stay with that gem of a guy!


I forgot about the double standard here, if it was switched, it'd be "he was ignoring her, all she did was meet up for coffee" etc. You're right, instead of working on the relationship, throw him out, screw the kids, and take him for everything, is much better advice.
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