Just found out husband cheating he texted me instead of her by accident

[Anonymous]

He's an addict: he gambles, he chases women, etc. Poor impulse control and it won't get better.

OP, I know it hurts now, but at least you are clear on what to do. It remains to find a really good lawyer and go about it systematically, while best preserving the kids' happiness.

Good luck and stay strong.

[Anonymous]

Is this tori spelling? Your douchebag husband sounds a lot like dean.

Stay calm, lawyer up (quietly) and figure out what YOU want to do. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

PP caught her husband cheating with one woman, where there is smoke,there is fire. I bet he cheated numerous times with numerous women - only this time he got caught. Get a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound incredibly level-headed about this and like your focus is absolutely on the RIGHT things: what you want, what you think is best for you and your kids. Pursue your wellbeing and happiness, and this jerk has made it really clear he doesn't hold a place in your future (beyond being the dad to your kids I assume).

You've already gotten really good advice here, just wanted to add to the voices supporting the direction you're going in and wishing you and your kids the best. I also wish your husband some good lessons and later happiness from this, although I know that's not (and shouldn't be) your concern. I hope he learns what a f'd up thing it is to cheat, and to not compromise, and to not appreciate what he's got.

Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you, OP. It sounds like you're doing a good job. He's got some nerve trying to justify his behavior by blaming you. You really do deserve better than this. You sound like an amazing person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs to you, OP. It sounds like you're doing a good job. He's got some nerve trying to justify his behavior by blaming you. You really do deserve better than this. You sound like an amazing person.

Women justify cheating all the time by saying their husbands are controlling etc. Maybe she should try therapy and listen to his concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs to you, OP. It sounds like you're doing a good job. He's got some nerve trying to justify his behavior by blaming you. You really do deserve better than this. You sound like an amazing person.

Women justify cheating all the time by saying their husbands are controlling etc. Maybe she should try therapy and listen to his concerns.

OP didn't cheat, moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs to you, OP. It sounds like you're doing a good job. He's got some nerve trying to justify his behavior by blaming you. You really do deserve better than this. You sound like an amazing person.

+1. Only other advice I could give is to consider joining a divorce support group if you end up going down that path unless you already have close friends that are divorced or feel comfortable navigating the process. From what I've gathered from my friends divorce can be expensive and having the right lawyer can make all the difference. I'm just one of those people that doesn't feel comfortable blindly following legal advice that I don't understand or have some sense of it being typical before I agree to it because I feel the stakes are too high if I sign a loan agreement, an estate trust document etc, without understanding what I'm doing. If I was looking at a divorce, I would be the same way. Also, given that I don't have an unlimited budget, I am cost concious and try to make sure what I am paying is the market rate and if it is more it is because I derive more value and it it's less either I am willing to do more myself or that I am willing to make the tradeoff, like someone starting out/less experienced if that is the cost difference.

You sound so level headed and such a nice person. Wishing you and your kids the best.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read past page 1, so forgive me if someone already said this. Just wanted to let you know that this might be a great opportunity to make him at fault and get whatever conditions you want to impose on him (please forgive my imperfect English).
What is it you want from him in the light of the new circumstances? You could for example tell him that he gets a permanent hall pass, but you control most of the money, he doesn't approach you, you live like roommates, etc etc. Whatever it is you want from him.
It is much more difficult if you love him still, I understand.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[Anonymous]

Fantastic early Christmas gift to OP. What a guy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't read past page 1, so forgive me if someone already said this. Just wanted to let you know that this might be a great opportunity to make him at fault and get whatever conditions you want to impose on him (please forgive my imperfect English).
What is it you want from him in the light of the new circumstances? You could for example tell him that he gets a permanent hall pass, but you control most of the money, he doesn't approach you, you live like roommates, etc etc. Whatever it is you want from him.
It is much more difficult if you love him still, I understand.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Just wanted to add that I have read about his gambling and that you are paying for his Mom's phone. WTF? Get him out of your life, let him pay child support (but I suspect he earns less than you do...).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here thanks I strangely feel better sharing this with someone. The presentation went fine.

I know its not my fault. It is a choice to cheat. Any problems in my marriage are joint, I play a role and so does he. We have had problems and ups and downs like most and yet I never cheated. However, it is not on me what he choose to do next. If you are hungry and go to Safeway and steal, it is still wrong. I think its a coward's way out to just try to find someone else.

Part of me thinks he maybe wanted me to see it? Who would be that stupid to text wife instead of love interest. I am grateful I didn't have to suffer not knowing.

Thanks for support.

Everything you said above is spot-on.

Cheaters choose to cheat.

Real men work out problems--and if they cannot be solved they leave the relationship BEFORE they lie and cheat.

I have zero respect for a cheater. It would forever change the way I looked at them.

We don't know what her husband has or hasn't done to try and work out the relationship. Of course it's dumb of a henpecked or otherwise mistreated husband to cheat because it gives his wife a martyr card she can use for the rest of her natural lifespan.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"So, it was her fault, right? She should just forgive him this one time he cheated and do what he wants, then all would be fine."

It's one time thing because he was CAUGHT.

My wife cheated because I was supposedly a jerk and she had pent up resentment and we went to therapy and it worked out. So why would this be different? There may be slightly different facts but people cheat for different reasons. Some are weak and forgiveness can work sometimes. A marriage is a long time.

Of course you were a jerk, she was back-justifying everything she was doing. It wasn't her fault, you see, it was you being a jerk so she had no other choice!

Anonymous wrote:OP here it basically said it was the best lunch ever and he could kiss her for hours and not just a peck and that he is really hoping to see her again. Said that he was very hot for her and that she was a knockout and that he hoped she was "moist" too. Said something about bringing vibrating panties next time. Said he wants to get together for fun but doesn't have to be actual sex? Overall was tough text to receive as I was helping kids with school stuff. My sense it was all in a public place and he left wanting more.

I am not contacting anyone except I have appointment with my therapist I used to see on Friday, I am focusing on what I want and what will be good for me and for kids. There are past issues (not cheating but serious) and this is the last straw for me.

He texted me today saying that he knows he hurt me, knows he is wrong but that there are things I have done that made him lost trust and that he wants to go to a counselor. I am feeling pretty done and don't have any desire to hash out further when I really think my future is better without him. The things he keeps bringing up are again the sex issue and also that I have been paying or my sisters and my nephews cell phones for the last few years because she is really broke and I want to help her, I added two lines to my cell account. I also pay for his mom's phone btw. This is all small amounts of $ compared to the thousands he threw away away gambling in 2 trips to Vegas that I did not approve of.

The sex is up and down. When its good its really good. He is really good in bed and very giving. However, no matter how often it is whether is weekly, twice week or more...its never enough, if its 20 minutes he wants long drawn out affair every time, if I wear nice lingerie he wants stripper shoes and a vibrator and wants to watch porn on top of all that. I'm open to that and we have watched in past but I don't want my sex life to resume a porno. He has talked about adding more excitement and passion but I am really happy with how things are. I want to feel like *I* am enough. I am in good shape and dress nice and take care of self. I am good at my job and make great money, and I am good mom. I know I deserve alot more and I am to the point that I'd really rather be alone than deal with his constant issues. I am waiting to discuss this with him until we have a time without kids and also not at home where things can escalate.

Thanks folks for sharing your stories, I know this is a common issue helps to realize that.

Gambling problems ... not cool. On the other hand I assume you're not going off on girlfriends trips 3-4x a year and spending an equal amount on spa trips, 4-star restaurants, etc.

I assume your relatives aren't showing up all the time, treating him like dirt, and then essentially freeloading. Not cool to get pissy about $3k lost in gambling but then give away $10k to your freeloading relatives, but I suspect you know that already.

I suspect the counseling is an attempt to find a counselor that will take his side. A weak counselor will sense who doesn't want to be there, and will then assign all blame to the other person (i.e. telling the reluctant partner what they want to hear.) Be careful for that trap but counseling can be done after you two have separated. With that said, make clear what you want from the separation -- either a serious attempt to work things out or just waiting 12 months plus however long it takes the court to get to you. If you are serious about wanting to work things out maybe it's possible for him to move to the basement for a while.

If you take him back, he has to grovel and make real changes, but at the end you have to forgive.

He may well be a selfish asshole that has been addled by the unrealism of porn (where women have endless amounts of free time to get all dressed up, etc.)

Others have covered the obvious -- consult a lawyer before moving out or trying to kick him out, don't sleep with him again until you get STD tests, etc.

In VA adultery can affect asset distribution but it will be $$$ and difficult especially if he cleans up his act going forward (if you can catch an ongoing affair and then present him w/ evidence it can go down more smoothly.)

You're not going to get custody affected unless you can prove he's doing drugs, having multiple prostitutes over when the kids are home, etc. An affair with Jane over in accounting won't affect custody at all, don't waste time and $$$ on that. Do get a good division of assets, do get spousal support if you have stayed at home several years, and do make sure child support gets paid.

Divorce also means he can move on and openly look for other women, using the kids as props to impress gullible 28 year olds. It doesn't mean "life goes on as normal but no mean husband anymore."

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

If you forgive him, OP, make sure you get the opportunity to explore sex with others yourself. That only seems fair.

[Anonymous]

That's a really really long text for someone driving home to put out....... Hmmmmmmmm

[Anonymous]

Wow, 8:20. You are projecting A LOT. Who said anything about spa vacations and girlfriends' weekends? She mentioned that she pays for 3 cell phones - 2 belonging to her family and one belonging to his. I'm not really sure what you're trying to accomplish, other than possibly describing a marriage dynamic you know more about than the OP's.