Stepdaughter wants a nose job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If SD and DH found this thread, everything OP wrote about them was very complimentary and loving. It's not like having a nose job is something you can keep a secret for people who knew you with your old nose.

The best thing about forums like this is that you can get advice from 100% complete strangers who have no stake whatsoever in your decision. More objective advice exists no where else in our lives. The beauty of the internet.

I agree. OP clearly was in favor of the plastic surgery but began to have second thoughts when she considered SD's mother and the other child.

Sure she could have spoken to a friend or therapist, but that would have taken time. And the friend would bring her own biases, while the therapist probably wouldn't have weighed in.

On a Saturday on a holiday weekend, OP was able to receive views from:

Other stepmothers
Parents who had a child with similar behaviors and had been helped by a medical solution.
People who had rhinoplasty when they were teenagers.
People whose parents denied them rhinoplasty when they were younger.
People who think one should just live with the face you were orn with.
People concerned about SD's mother and the other child.
People who think biologic parents need to agree on every major thing concerning children, even over age 18.
People concerned about whether rhinoplasty is advisable in those under 18.
People concerned SD was psychologically unready to take the step

And other viewpoints I've forgotten. OP could have talked to people for a year and not have found so many BTDT views.

OP received validation for her first instincts, some tips on dealing with mother, and a lot of encouragement.

Only an internet site like this could have provided all this input so quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would respect mom's wishes. She is still very young and can do it when she is older. This sounds more about you than her. It is great stepdaughter has been doing so well but both of her parents should be on the same page and agree, not just stepmom.

Wrong wrong wrong--she is 18 and getting this "handled" before college is life changing. I know more than a few people who had nose jobs and felt it changed their lives when it is the case where a nose is really big. Her mom is entitled to be against plastic surgery but her daughter is now an adult and adult who clearly do not have the means to pay for this without financial help. FWIW in the two cases of my friends who had nose jobs--I had no idea they had ones until I saw earlier pictures. No idea at all. They also did theirs right before college start.

[Anonymous]

OP -- I say go for it -- and I'm a person who has lived with a bad nose for 45 years. I've wanted to change it, but never knew of anyone who actually had plastic surgery so I've just grown up thinking it's too vain to have surgery. I would love to have a nice nose. I've been asked by people if I broke my nose (no... it's just bumpy with a big bulbus end naturally).

I'm really surprised at how many of the responders have had a nose job! Who knew??? I seriously might do this yet-- once I get some $$. I'll be the lady getting a nose job at 60!

[Anonymous]

As someone with a "ethnic" Italian nose. I hated my Italian nose growing up the standard of beauty in the US is to have a small button nose. It was not until I visited and spent time in Italy with family and my cousin's friends that I was told you look exactly like Laura Pausini! When they showed me who she was and how she is considered beautiful and talented that this whole idea of putting women down who have "ethnic" features can be beautiful too.

I wonder what SD nose looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone with a "ethnic" Italian nose. I hated my Italian nose growing up the standard of beauty in the US is to have a small button nose. It was not until I visited and spent time in Italy with family and my cousin's friends that I was told you look exactly like Laura Pausini! When they showed me who she was and how she is considered beautiful and talented that this whole idea of putting women down who have "ethnic" features can be beautiful too.

I wonder what SD nose looks like.

Dam iPhone! I didn't finish my post.

I don't understand this while obsession changing a nose. Ethnic features are beautiful too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I say go for it -- and I'm a person who has lived with a bad nose for 45 years. I've wanted to change it, but never knew of anyone who actually had plastic surgery so I've just grown up thinking it's too vain to have surgery. I would love to have a nice nose. I've been asked by people if I broke my nose (no... it's just bumpy with a big bulbus end naturally).

I'm really surprised at how many of the responders have had a nose job! Who knew??? I seriously might do this yet-- once I get some $$. I'll be the lady getting a nose job at 60!

A friend of mine used her tax refund to pay for hers. Please do this as soon as you can - after you've done it, you'll kick yourself for having waited so long and if you wait too long you'll slip and break a hip doing it.

[Anonymous]

I changed mine and I am so glad I did. It wasn't "ethnic" and exotic - I'm as white bread as they come. It was just thick and rounded at the end and it really dominated my face.

I kept the general shape since I didn't want to look too different (even though I would have looked prettier if I'd gone for a more radical change) - but the proportions are smaller and much more in keeping with my small face and other facial features. My mom never said a word until it was done, and then she was like, "It looks great! Like you did when you were a little girl!"

Some of us just never grow into our noses and it bugs us. And for those of us, there are nose jobs. No big whoop.

OP, you sound kind and generous. DS should get the new nose if she wants it. It'll be a nice boost to her self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

You should do it OP. It sounds like the girl has been through a lot. This might help her self-image.

[Anonymous]

I would have the daughter be the one to tell the mother- make it her battle, since its her choice. She can present it as "I asked dad for money to fund my choice. He agreed. I would want this and work toward it even if dad did not fund it. Decision has been made, dad's involvement is merely financial and having a connection to a better doctor than I would be able to find on my own."

[Anonymous]

As long as all of you accept the implications on the relationship with the mom... go for it.

And what I mean by "accept" is simply "you know how she will respond, so don't act surprised when she does that" -- think about how this nose job will affect the family and plan accordingly.

I generally don't like plastic surgery, and my gut says "learn to live with what god gave you" but my head says that I wasn't given any features that truly bother me, so I shouldn't pass judgment.

[Anonymous]

OP shared her stepdaughter's distinctive history here. The person who matters is the SD. If she found this, then what?When it comes to offspring's privacy, yes, I am the thread police. I make my blood boil when parents and stepparents do not respect their children's privacy. OP could have asked the same question without providing a detailed history, which includes sex, drugs, rehab. So not cool.

[Anonymous]

I also agree to use a good doctor, which you seem to have. I had mine at 18 over 30 years ago. And it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. Screw the mom she sounds like she doesn't support her daughter very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also agree to use a good doctor, which you seem to have. I had mine at 18 over 30 years ago. And it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. Screw the mom she sounds like she doesn't support her daughter very well.

how much does it cost? does insurance pay any part?

[Anonymous]

My only word of caution is that if SD has had substance abuse issues, as part of the procedure you should talk about whether she would stay with you and allow somebody else to be in charge of post-op pain pills. It would be awful if she got a prescription drug issue out of the operation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My only word of caution is that if SD has had substance abuse issues, as part of the procedure you should talk about whether she would stay with you and allow somebody else to be in charge of post-op pain pills. It would be awful if she got a prescription drug issue out of the operation.

Very good point. If she's turned around, she should not mind OP or her DH to have control of the pain medication.