Stepdaughter wants a nose job
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Anonymous
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My 18 year old stepdaughter had a rough go of it since she started high school. She was very out of control - drinking, skipping school, failing classes and sex - and then last year had a crisis. She was in rehab for two months before coming to live with her father and I. Well, this amazing girl totally turned her life around. We got her tutors and a good therapist and she took her high school equivalency test (passed) and is starting community college this fall. And she wants a nose job before school starts.
She does have a pronounced nose and I know it has always bothered her (she was teased about it in school when she was young). I know a very highly regarded plastic surgeon in NYC who could take within the next few weeks (a close friend of my sister's) so she would be mostly healed by September but we have to move now. Her mother is 100% against it. Her father, my DH, wants her to be happy. She is 18 and can legally do as she pleases but needs DH and I to pay for the procedure - which I am all in favor of! I can see how she wants a new face to go with her new life. If we pay for her nose job, this will cause a huge problem with DH's exwife and will undoubtedly make our relationship with her even worse. My youngest stepdaughter still lives with her mother and we have always tried to keep a civil tone and forgive his ex's constant "forgetting" (forgetting it was our weekend with the youngest, forgetting to pick up the youngest at school so I have to leave work to get her, forgetting to tell DH of important doctor's appointments for his youngest) If we pay for my stepdaughter's nose job I am fairly sure his Ex will go ballistic. WWYD? |
Anonymous
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I would risk it and pay for the nose job. I had a nose job the summer before college and it did change my life - it is a decision I have always been happy I made and still thank my parents for paying for it.
You sound like a good stepmom. I'd risk the wrath of the ex to help her. Be prepared for the worst but eventually it will die down. |
Anonymous
| First of all, have DH present this as him paying for the procedure, not the two of you. Stay out -- DH should say "I" not "we" etc. If he feels strongly, he should appeal to her. What are her objections? A reward too soon? Risk of it not being a good nose job? |
Anonymous
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Would also risk the wrath.
Nose jobs can be life changing. Sounds like SD has been through a lot and anything that would help her on her new path of sobriety would be positive. Medical procedures are now her choice so if her mother is going to be angry with anyone it should be the daughter. But I really hopes she doesn't go this way, You are a good step mother. |
Anonymous
| Does the mom say why she is against it? Does she know she won't have to pay for it? Does she know the reputation of the doctor performing the procedure? Is she against it because she can't accord to pay for it herself? |
Anonymous
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OP - Her mother thinks that stepdaughter should accept herself and says she is against all cosmetic surgery. Yes, she knows she will not be asked to pay for it.
I have a good deal of family money and even if DH says he "I" when it comes to this expense, his exwife knows where our disposable income comes from. |
Anonymous
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Well, there might be more to this than the mother's anti-plastic surgery position and with that her daughter embraced it. She might be nervous that it will not be a good one. (I can spot a bad one a hallway away. A new colleague has one!) She might resent your money. Who knows.
Where is the daughter living now? Still with you and DH? |
Anonymous
| I would respect mom's wishes. She is still very young and can do it when she is older. This sounds more about you than her. It is great stepdaughter has been doing so well but both of her parents should be on the same page and agree, not just stepmom. |
Anonymous
| I would do it for her. I'm generally against plastic surgery, but this I'd do. |
Anonymous
| I would do it but would be cautious about good doctor. |
Anonymous
Disagree--she is 18 and can make own medical choices. Yes, she can do it when she is older. But right now it is important for SD to be starting a completely new life. The mother is imposing her views about looks etc on daughter and daughter is now finally old enough to get from under that. The important thing here is the stepdaughter. If she wants the surgery, is okay with step mom paying, and is willing to take the flack for all that from her mother, I say it is her choice. |
Anonymous
| Yes, my stepdaughter lives with DH and I. And truly this plastic surgeon is one of the best in the country and he will not give her the "nose-job nose". He is also very expensive and hard to get an appointment with. Just luck that my sister is his wife's oldest and best friend. |
Anonymous
It sounds like this is more about you than her. You enjoy throwing around your money and connections. She is 18. I would wait at least several more years. Her looks can change drastically over the next few years. Agree with mom and tell her she is pretty just the way she is. |
Anonymous
| This is the stepdaughter's decision. If she wants a nose job and you can afford it and get her into to see one of the best plastic surgeons in the country - go for it. Screw the mother. |
Anonymous
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OP,
You do understand that you are rushing this -- why the rush? When did the mother first get news of this possibility? Also, is the daughter psychologically prepared? There are psychological considerations, some patients think plastic surgery will transform them beyond what is possible. She's really been through the wringer. Maybe wait, and do the nose job when she transfers to college from community college? We don't know how bad her nose is. Maybe not so bad? |