African-American parents - where are your kids in school and how are they doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. So nice to see this thread still going. To some of the pp's inquiries about private schools - I think there might be some area private schools that have decent size minority populations and offer a good academic experience and peer group. The Catholic high schools especially come to mind - St. John's, DeMatha, Good Counsel. I just wish there was an equivalent experience in the public schools. Seems like in the public schools, to get a more "elite" academic experience, you eliminate much of the racial diversity our kids need to have a healthy social experience.

.

My AA 8th DD journals everything, and today I came across one her writings today. She's talking about a boy in her class (all W class) that she has liked since the beginning of the year, and they have become good friends. Well he likes her W class sister a lot and has express this to my DD. Since she truly cares for these two, she talks about her struggles of coping with it. This is just one situation that is oh so familiar, and more like this will continue all the way to 12th, if she were to remain there. All along she'll be questioning herself as if she isn't good enough. This year can't end soon enough.........................!!!

Sad, but you might want to casually explain to her that most (stats to back it up) White men would never date a Black girl. She has to understand that it has nothing to do with her. There was a thread on off topic, about "would your spouse have married you if...you had been any other race". It was side stepped by many people, only those in mixed race relationships proudly took a stab, but deep down, people know the deal. The reason that you need to clarify these things to her is that she needs to know that you are on her side so that when she is ready to discuss it, she knows that you will support her.

[Anonymous]

What a great thread, I can't believe I missed it months ago!

Thank you to the ladies who shared their experience (and their child's experience) being the 'only' in class. On the flip side, I went to a diverse high school with kids from primarily middle/lower income families. On paper, the school resembled the United Nations. Within the classrooms it was a different story. The honors/AP classes had 2 or 3 black students (all girls) per grade, so if you were on this track, you still had a high probability of being the only black student in the classroom.

As I'm sure you can guess, this introduces yet another set of complications. I didn't really relate to the white kids, yet I wasn't black enough for the black kids. When I was a sophomore, I remember pretending to dumb myself down just so I could fit in with a particular group of girls (luckily my mother quickly put a stop to that) I really didn't feel comfortable in my own skin until I went away to college (also an HBCU!)

My DC is only a toddler, so we have a few years before we have to make any big decisions. I don't want him to be the only black student in his class, but I'll be damned before he wastes his potential to impress his peers. If I had a daughter, I think I would be more inclined to choose diversity over academics….but it seems so easy for boys to lose focus, I'm hesitant to take that risk with my son. I wish I had a solution for you ladies….best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. So nice to see this thread still going. To some of the pp's inquiries about private schools - I think there might be some area private schools that have decent size minority populations and offer a good academic experience and peer group. The Catholic high schools especially come to mind - St. John's, DeMatha, Good Counsel. I just wish there was an equivalent experience in the public schools. Seems like in the public schools, to get a more "elite" academic experience, you eliminate much of the racial diversity our kids need to have a healthy social experience.

.

My AA 8th DD journals everything, and today I came across one her writings today. She's talking about a boy in her class (all W class) that she has liked since the beginning of the year, and they have become good friends. Well he likes her W class sister a lot and has express this to my DD. Since she truly cares for these two, she talks about her struggles of coping with it. This is just one situation that is oh so familiar, and more like this will continue all the way to 12th, if she were to remain there. All along she'll be questioning herself as if she isn't good enough. This year can't end soon enough.........................!!!

Sad, but you might want to casually explain to her that most (stats to back it up) White men would never date a Black girl. She has to understand that it has nothing to do with her. There was a thread on off topic, about "would your spouse have married you if...you had been any other race". It was side stepped by many people, only those in mixed race relationships proudly took a stab, but deep down, people know the deal. The reason that you need to clarify these things to her is that she needs to know that you are on her side so that when she is ready to discuss it, she knows that you will support her.

It depends on the situation. My brother completely flunked out of high school. My parents moved to an area where our school was 4% minority, that included black, latino and asian kids. My brother could not handle it and the school could never adjust to him. I've seen this to be more the case. For that reason, I ended up moving my older son to a school where the majority of kids were black, but it was a magnate. He excelled when he was no longer being targeted for having "ADD." The majority white school kept throwing that out. We had our son tested. The psychologist, a white woman, said get him out of that school immediately! She suggested that we apply to the magnate and we never looked back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a great thread, I can't believe I missed it months ago!

Thank you to the ladies who shared their experience (and their child's experience) being the 'only' in class. On the flip side, I went to a diverse high school with kids from primarily middle/lower income families. On paper, the school resembled the United Nations. Within the classrooms it was a different story. The honors/AP classes had 2 or 3 black students (all girls) per grade, so if you were on this track, you still had a high probability of being the only black student in the classroom.

As I'm sure you can guess, this introduces yet another set of complications. I didn't really relate to the white kids, yet I wasn't black enough for the black kids. When I was a sophomore, I remember pretending to dumb myself down just so I could fit in with a particular group of girls (luckily my mother quickly put a stop to that) I really didn't feel comfortable in my own skin until I went away to college (also an HBCU!)

My DC is only a toddler, so we have a few years before we have to make any big decisions. I don't want him to be the only black student in his class, but I'll be damned before he wastes his potential to impress his peers. If I had a daughter, I think I would be more inclined to choose diversity over academics….but it seems so easy for boys to lose focus, I'm hesitant to take that risk with my son. I wish I had a solution for you ladies….best of luck.

This brings up another sad point, it is the girls who do better academically. I have some friends who see nothing wrong with their AA sons doing poorly in school, but I be darned, the daughters are planning on becoming vets and dentists. WHO are these girls supposed to marry. I have made it my mission to make sure that my son turns out to be "eligible" and does not become someone's burden.
My kids are biracial and we live in a predominantly white area. I am not going to look for minority schools since practically all of their out of school friends are of color. Also, this is where we live and that is that. I take no excuses from DS, he has to be competitive academically. Nice thing is that most of the other AA families in his school also make huge demands of their sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a great thread, I can't believe I missed it months ago!

Thank you to the ladies who shared their experience (and their child's experience) being the 'only' in class. On the flip side, I went to a diverse high school with kids from primarily middle/lower income families. On paper, the school resembled the United Nations. Within the classrooms it was a different story. The honors/AP classes had 2 or 3 black students (all girls) per grade, so if you were on this track, you still had a high probability of being the only black student in the classroom.

As I'm sure you can guess, this introduces yet another set of complications. I didn't really relate to the white kids, yet I wasn't black enough for the black kids. When I was a sophomore, I remember pretending to dumb myself down just so I could fit in with a particular group of girls (luckily my mother quickly put a stop to that) I really didn't feel comfortable in my own skin until I went away to college (also an HBCU!)

My DC is only a toddler, so we have a few years before we have to make any big decisions. I don't want him to be the only black student in his class, but I'll be damned before he wastes his potential to impress his peers. If I had a daughter, I think I would be more inclined to choose diversity over academics….but it seems so easy for boys to lose focus, I'm hesitant to take that risk with my son. I wish I had a solution for you ladies….best of luck.

This brings up another sad point, it is the girls who do better academically. I have some friends who see nothing wrong with their AA sons doing poorly in school, but I be darned, the daughters are planning on becoming vets and dentists. WHO are these girls supposed to marry. I have made it my mission to make sure that my son turns out to be "eligible" and does not become someone's burden.
My kids are biracial and we live in a predominantly white area. I am not going to look for minority schools since practically all of their out of school friends are of color. Also, this is where we live and that is that. I take no excuses from DS, he has to be competitive academically. Nice thing is that most of the other AA families in his school also make huge demands of their sons.

Just to offer a different perspective - I'm biracial, and I think that going to diverse schools was one of the best things my parents did to firmly root me in my black identity. I acknowledge all sides of my heritage, but I understand how the outside world is apt to perceive me because I was surrounded by other black children having the same experience during our formative years. Now of course, you may not care which race your children identify with more strongly, but just having friends outside of school of the same race often isn't sufficient. At least based on what I have observed of black children in majority white school environments. Chances are, without peers in their school, they're still going to feel some degree of social isolation because of race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a great thread, I can't believe I missed it months ago!

Thank you to the ladies who shared their experience (and their child's experience) being the 'only' in class. On the flip side, I went to a diverse high school with kids from primarily middle/lower income families. On paper, the school resembled the United Nations. Within the classrooms it was a different story. The honors/AP classes had 2 or 3 black students (all girls) per grade, so if you were on this track, you still had a high probability of being the only black student in the classroom.

As I'm sure you can guess, this introduces yet another set of complications. I didn't really relate to the white kids, yet I wasn't black enough for the black kids. When I was a sophomore, I remember pretending to dumb myself down just so I could fit in with a particular group of girls (luckily my mother quickly put a stop to that) I really didn't feel comfortable in my own skin until I went away to college (also an HBCU!)

My DC is only a toddler, so we have a few years before we have to make any big decisions. I don't want him to be the only black student in his class, but I'll be damned before he wastes his potential to impress his peers. If I had a daughter, I think I would be more inclined to choose diversity over academics….but it seems so easy for boys to lose focus, I'm hesitant to take that risk with my son. I wish I had a solution for you ladies….best of luck.

This brings up another sad point, it is the girls who do better academically. I have some friends who see nothing wrong with their AA sons doing poorly in school, but I be darned, the daughters are planning on becoming vets and dentists. WHO are these girls supposed to marry. I have made it my mission to make sure that my son turns out to be "eligible" and does not become someone's burden.

This describes my parents...I was expected to get straight A's, ace the SATs and attend a top notch university. My brother on the other hand...the fact that he just managed to stay out of trouble was deserving of a medal in my parents' eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

i understand the concern.
Is there no middle ground?
No "good" school that is diverse?
It is sad to think that we think or that it SEEMS to be true that we cannot even go to school with ourselves...that black and brown folks dummy us down.
On the other hand...I think it is quite naive to think much has changed in this generation.
I have a 26 yr old stepdaughter who went to a predominately white high school...my husband moved into this district solely for the school...i cannot tell u the amount of times he had to go up to the school to address issues of a racial nature.
And yes...her prom date was from her church...not school.
That was in a southern state, but makes no difference if u ask me.
We live here now and have a 7 yr. old daughter, and hope we don't have to repeat that performance her sister had.
OUr current elementary school has a black woman principal, well-respected who has done amazing things at that school.
The community is diverse and committed to school.
These are the same folks whose kids will be going into middle and high school.
I hope that involvement and committment carries thru.
But we do have to be careful, Dept. of Ed just came out with a stat that black students face harsher discipline than their white counterparts for the same offenses.

Here is the link:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/06/education/black-students-face-more-harsh-discipline-data-shows.html


That is not to say the White man is the devil. The point is that we do NOT live in a post-racial America, and until we ALL get real and have genuine conversations about race...these kinds of parental/educational dilemmas will continue to exist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
if u fear this is going to be emotionally damaging...if u have anecdotal evidence confirming that will be her experience...u already have doubts...why do it?
signed a Spelmanite who had a predominately white elementary thru high school experience.

Anonymous wrote:OP, this has been an interesting thread. In the end, we are looking at schools in less diverse areas (Whitman, Churchill) and hope that things have changed. If things go badly, we can always move or consider private, both costly options. I hope that I will be more in tune to what my kids will be experiencing that my parents did.
My fear is that the whites who live in these areas might very well be there because they want to avoid certain demographics. So this might be a select crowd. I expect that the prom will be an issue for DD. I hope that I can find someone from outside of the school to help us with that. It will be a long way away, but you have to think in advance.
I knew one woman who went to a nearly all white DC girls Catholic school back in the 70s and 80s. I honestly believe that she might have been the "only one". She did well academically, but in all other ways, she was a mess. Even white people have told me about how she seems totally screwed up WRT race. She will blurt out that she is not that dark, unsolicited. She married an Asian man and talks nonstop about how straight and long her daughters hair is. You get it.
All I can do is pray that my kids will not suffer like that.

There are many people who came through similar experiences without as much damage (after the all white school). Plus, times have changed in the last generation.
Also, this will not be ALL white, actually just 65%, the rest mostly Asian (20%) and Afric. Am. (8%) (?)
Anyway, I have seen my sisters sons fail miserably in schools that have a high minority population. They are both barely finishing HS and they are very bright children.

I hear you, but all too often, majority "minority" spells disaster whether it be Hispanic or Black or Am. Indian. There is a balance. I find that the more diverse private schools are a good solution. Where you see up to 60% NON white.

Can you name a diverse private HS in this area?

Sure! Sidwell, GDS, Holton, St. Albans...actually many of the privates have more diversity than many of the publics in wealthy neighborhoods. Especially Virginia. Take a look and you will see some schools have more than 40% kids of color.

[Anonymous]

Lowell is also very diverse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sure! Sidwell, GDS, Holton, St. Albans...actually many of the privates have more diversity than many of the publics in wealthy neighborhoods. Especially Virginia. Take a look and you will see some schools have more than 40% kids of color.

Negative! DD shadowed at two of the above mentioned schools, and the % was no where anything close to 40%.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for this discussion, ladies. I am white, and I've both learned a lot and been very saddened. I wish you and your kids the best.

FWIW, my DS (white) is at an area private and his small class, at least, is minority white. I know it gets less diverse as the classes get larger in the upper grades. I was interested to see that in this racial mix my son is in no way color blind, but he seems to have no judgement attached to skin color, the way I know I did when I was his age and in an almost all white school. When he makes drawings of himself or chooses an avatar on the computer he chooses skin tones like hairstyles.

This is all just to say that I think there are some relatively diverse private schools, though I know the mix in my son's class is a bit of an anomaly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a great thread, I can't believe I missed it months ago!

Thank you to the ladies who shared their experience (and their child's experience) being the 'only' in class. On the flip side, I went to a diverse high school with kids from primarily middle/lower income families. On paper, the school resembled the United Nations. Within the classrooms it was a different story. The honors/AP classes had 2 or 3 black students (all girls) per grade, so if you were on this track, you still had a high probability of being the only black student in the classroom.

As I'm sure you can guess, this introduces yet another set of complications. I didn't really relate to the white kids, yet I wasn't black enough for the black kids. When I was a sophomore, I remember pretending to dumb myself down just so I could fit in with a particular group of girls (luckily my mother quickly put a stop to that) I really didn't feel comfortable in my own skin until I went away to college (also an HBCU!)

My DC is only a toddler, so we have a few years before we have to make any big decisions. I don't want him to be the only black student in his class, but I'll be damned before he wastes his potential to impress his peers. If I had a daughter, I think I would be more inclined to choose diversity over academics….but it seems so easy for boys to lose focus, I'm hesitant to take that risk with my son. I wish I had a solution for you ladies….best of luck.

This brings up another sad point, it is the girls who do better academically. I have some friends who see nothing wrong with their AA sons doing poorly in school, but I be darned, the daughters are planning on becoming vets and dentists. WHO are these girls supposed to marry. I have made it my mission to make sure that my son turns out to be "eligible" and does not become someone's burden.
My kids are biracial and we live in a predominantly white area. I am not going to look for minority schools since practically all of their out of school friends are of color. Also, this is where we live and that is that. I take no excuses from DS, he has to be competitive academically. Nice thing is that most of the other AA families in his school also make huge demands of their sons.

Just to offer a different perspective - I'm biracial, and I think that going to diverse schools was one of the best things my parents did to firmly root me in my black identity. I acknowledge all sides of my heritage, but I understand how the outside world is apt to perceive me because I was surrounded by other black children having the same experience during our formative years. Now of course, you may not care which race your children identify with more strongly, but just having friends outside of school of the same race often isn't sufficient. At least based on what I have observed of black children in majority white school environments. Chances are, without peers in their school, they're still going to feel some degree of social isolation because of race.

Agree, but the house has already been bought and we can not afford a move. One child identifies with AA kids only and the other is less inclined to do so. The one who is closer to AAs has this funny idea that all AA are god nice people, since the ones she knows are friends of the family and relatives and a few very sweet girls at school. She got a shock at summer camp when things went badly in one friendship with an AA girl, I got a little chuckle out of that. I think that more exposure would be good.
The upside is that even when I feel that their teachers don't believe in them, they still think very highly of themselves...for now.