How would you divide the money in this divorce scenario?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you've gotten some good math here, but I do agree that a consult with a lawyer might be good to give you a realistic idea of what the law would say.

So then you have a better idea, and you can go to him with a range of options. Here's what the law says, but what if we did X, or shifted from X to Y, or balanced things this way or that way?

I'd also think through very carefully what you expect to need. Depending on your state, college costs may be on or off the table (in terms of child suport). Given expected inheritance, are you willing to forego some of his retirement for maybe a lump sum put into college costs? Given his age, and you not working, how were those costs going to be covered?

It may be given his anxiety around retirement, that you could lay out scenarios that protect his retirement but give you other things of equal weight. Given his age, he must be concerned about being forced to work longer. His retirement is not large and there are teenage costs looming - college for one but also maybe a car, or even the travel to visit college options, higher expenses for high school, etc.

What about the house or other marital property?

Do not, under any circumstances, make any life decisions based on an "expected inheritance"! That inheritance can very quickly get eaten up in long-term care. It is just straight-up dumb to live your life based on a contingency you don't control.

This is a good point. Taking less in a divorce because of an expected inheritance is idiotic.

+1.

OP, this divorce is a financial disaster. You are both broke. How bad is the marriage?

By what standards are we broke? We're not Rockefellers but I know people who are broke, and we have a lot more than they do.

You have 2M in assets, most of which has not yet been taxed, no jobs in your 60s and 50s, and a kid who is not yet in college. Now you are about to have 2 households. Are both of you going to pay rent/mortgages? Or do you have paid off houses?

Don't count on the inheritance as a lot of things can change between now and when it materialized.

OP here. Our kid has a healthy 529 plan. I will be living with a family member, so no new living expenses for me, and I will be paid for the caregiving I provide to that relative. And I will go back to work at least part-time.

Stop pretending like you have it handled and don’t need “his” money. It is YOUR SHARED assets. I need you to get tough and value yourself for what you are worth, op, and I don’t just mean in terms of money.

I’m going thru this right now with my best friend and this is the exact conversation we keep having. She’s been conditioned to think all the money he earned and saved for the last twenty years is his, as if their marriage never happened. I have to say it repeatedly: it’s already YOUR shared money.

[Anonymous]

Split whatever money came into the house after marriage, including all of his retirement funds accumulated after marriage.
Child support INCLUDING college funds.

If you quit working to care for your nuclear family or someone in HIS family like his parent, then some short-term alimony might be fair. If you quit working to care for other family, like your parent, then no alimony.

What’s custody going to look like? Who gets the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you've gotten some good math here, but I do agree that a consult with a lawyer might be good to give you a realistic idea of what the law would say.

So then you have a better idea, and you can go to him with a range of options. Here's what the law says, but what if we did X, or shifted from X to Y, or balanced things this way or that way?

I'd also think through very carefully what you expect to need. Depending on your state, college costs may be on or off the table (in terms of child suport). Given expected inheritance, are you willing to forego some of his retirement for maybe a lump sum put into college costs? Given his age, and you not working, how were those costs going to be covered?

It may be given his anxiety around retirement, that you could lay out scenarios that protect his retirement but give you other things of equal weight. Given his age, he must be concerned about being forced to work longer. His retirement is not large and there are teenage costs looming - college for one but also maybe a car, or even the travel to visit college options, higher expenses for high school, etc.

What about the house or other marital property?

Do not, under any circumstances, make any life decisions based on an "expected inheritance"! That inheritance can very quickly get eaten up in long-term care. It is just straight-up dumb to live your life based on a contingency you don't control.

This is a good point. Taking less in a divorce because of an expected inheritance is idiotic.

+1.

OP, this divorce is a financial disaster. You are both broke. How bad is the marriage?

By what standards are we broke? We're not Rockefellers but I know people who are broke, and we have a lot more than they do.

You have 2M in assets, most of which has not yet been taxed, no jobs in your 60s and 50s, and a kid who is not yet in college. Now you are about to have 2 households. Are both of you going to pay rent/mortgages? Or do you have paid off houses?

Don't count on the inheritance as a lot of things can change between now and when it materialized.

OP here. Our kid has a healthy 529 plan. I will be living with a family member, so no new living expenses for me, and I will be paid for the caregiving I provide to that relative. And I will go back to work at least part-time.

Stop pretending like you have it handled and don’t need “his” money. It is YOUR SHARED assets. I need you to get tough and value yourself for what you are worth, op, and I don’t just mean in terms of money.

I’m going thru this right now with my best friend and this is the exact conversation we keep having. She’s been conditioned to think all the money he earned and saved for the last twenty years is his, as if their marriage never happened. I have to say it repeatedly: it’s already YOUR shared money.

Stop giving your best friend bad advice. All the money he earned before the marriage is his and only his it is not marital property..

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to go see a lawyer and ask what is market in your state for you to receive, and then propose you get that, or a little more if you want bargaining room.

The stock market has gone up a lot in 13 years. In many states, you arguably would be entitled to half of the appreciation on the assets he had before marriage.

Your inheritance is IRRELEVANT. Your parents could blow through that in no time with elder care expenses and anyway inheritances if kept separate are not marital assets in most states.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you've gotten some good math here, but I do agree that a consult with a lawyer might be good to give you a realistic idea of what the law would say.

So then you have a better idea, and you can go to him with a range of options. Here's what the law says, but what if we did X, or shifted from X to Y, or balanced things this way or that way?

I'd also think through very carefully what you expect to need. Depending on your state, college costs may be on or off the table (in terms of child suport). Given expected inheritance, are you willing to forego some of his retirement for maybe a lump sum put into college costs? Given his age, and you not working, how were those costs going to be covered?

It may be given his anxiety around retirement, that you could lay out scenarios that protect his retirement but give you other things of equal weight. Given his age, he must be concerned about being forced to work longer. His retirement is not large and there are teenage costs looming - college for one but also maybe a car, or even the travel to visit college options, higher expenses for high school, etc.

What about the house or other marital property?

Do not, under any circumstances, make any life decisions based on an "expected inheritance"! That inheritance can very quickly get eaten up in long-term care. It is just straight-up dumb to live your life based on a contingency you don't control.

This is a good point. Taking less in a divorce because of an expected inheritance is idiotic.

+1.

OP, this divorce is a financial disaster. You are both broke. How bad is the marriage?

By what standards are we broke? We're not Rockefellers but I know people who are broke, and we have a lot more than they do.

You have 2M in assets, most of which has not yet been taxed, no jobs in your 60s and 50s, and a kid who is not yet in college. Now you are about to have 2 households. Are both of you going to pay rent/mortgages? Or do you have paid off houses?

Don't count on the inheritance as a lot of things can change between now and when it materialized.

OP here. Our kid has a healthy 529 plan. I will be living with a family member, so no new living expenses for me, and I will be paid for the caregiving I provide to that relative. And I will go back to work at least part-time.

Stop pretending like you have it handled and don’t need “his” money. It is YOUR SHARED assets. I need you to get tough and value yourself for what you are worth, op, and I don’t just mean in terms of money.

I’m going thru this right now with my best friend and this is the exact conversation we keep having. She’s been conditioned to think all the money he earned and saved for the last twenty years is his, as if their marriage never happened. I have to say it repeatedly: it’s already YOUR shared money.

Stop giving your best friend bad advice. All the money he earned before the marriage is his and only his it is not marital property..

It’s not that straightforward and I have no doubt that in a marriage this long the commingling of assets would easily unwind this argument.

[Anonymous]

"I’m going thru this right now with my best friend and this is the exact conversation we keep having. She’s been conditioned to think all the money he earned and saved for the last twenty years is his, as if their marriage never happened. I have to say it repeatedly: it’s already YOUR shared money."

Here's the problem with this line of thinking: You somehow want to believe this while simultaneously saying that the retirement money she'd get if her parents died tomorrow would only be hers. She hasn't worked for 3ish years. He covered them 100% for those 3/13 years of marriage, yet her inheritance shouldn't be used to offset this uneven contribution?!?! It's like people want to have the rule benefit her no matter what. There needs to be a principled approach to these matters. Otherwise, it's just one of those "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine" situations.

[Anonymous]

Sorry== I meant to say the inheritance money, not retirement money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Half his retirement fund, half the joint account, plus alimony since you're not working and child support for your child. Did he not think he was going to split retirement with you when you got married? Without a pre-nup, you should assume he intended for you to have half of any money he came in with.

Sure leech

[Anonymous]

"It’s not that straightforward and I have no doubt that in a marriage this long the commingling of assets would easily unwind this argument."

In that case, the general rule that she'll get an inheritance that would be considered non marital property should be disregarded. If he comingled, which benefits her, than she needs to reciprocate by including the reality that her inheritance would have benefitted both of them in retirement, had they remained married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you've gotten some good math here, but I do agree that a consult with a lawyer might be good to give you a realistic idea of what the law would say.

So then you have a better idea, and you can go to him with a range of options. Here's what the law says, but what if we did X, or shifted from X to Y, or balanced things this way or that way?

I'd also think through very carefully what you expect to need. Depending on your state, college costs may be on or off the table (in terms of child suport). Given expected inheritance, are you willing to forego some of his retirement for maybe a lump sum put into college costs? Given his age, and you not working, how were those costs going to be covered?

It may be given his anxiety around retirement, that you could lay out scenarios that protect his retirement but give you other things of equal weight. Given his age, he must be concerned about being forced to work longer. His retirement is not large and there are teenage costs looming - college for one but also maybe a car, or even the travel to visit college options, higher expenses for high school, etc.

What about the house or other marital property?

Do not, under any circumstances, make any life decisions based on an "expected inheritance"! That inheritance can very quickly get eaten up in long-term care. It is just straight-up dumb to live your life based on a contingency you don't control.

This is a good point. Taking less in a divorce because of an expected inheritance is idiotic.

+1.

OP, this divorce is a financial disaster. You are both broke. How bad is the marriage?

By what standards are we broke? We're not Rockefellers but I know people who are broke, and we have a lot more than they do.

You have 2M in assets, most of which has not yet been taxed, no jobs in your 60s and 50s, and a kid who is not yet in college. Now you are about to have 2 households. Are both of you going to pay rent/mortgages? Or do you have paid off houses?

Don't count on the inheritance as a lot of things can change between now and when it materialized.

OP here. Our kid has a healthy 529 plan. I will be living with a family member, so no new living expenses for me, and I will be paid for the caregiving I provide to that relative. And I will go back to work at least part-time.

Stop pretending like you have it handled and don’t need “his” money. It is YOUR SHARED assets. I need you to get tough and value yourself for what you are worth, op, and I don’t just mean in terms of money.

I’m going thru this right now with my best friend and this is the exact conversation we keep having. She’s been conditioned to think all the money he earned and saved for the last twenty years is his, as if their marriage never happened. I have to say it repeatedly: it’s already YOUR shared money.

Stop giving your best friend bad advice. All the money he earned before the marriage is his and only his it is not marital property..

Lol they've been married since grad school. He had a negative net worth when they got married. Everything they have is marital property.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I’m going thru this right now with my best friend and this is the exact conversation we keep having. She’s been conditioned to think all the money he earned and saved for the last twenty years is his, as if their marriage never happened. I have to say it repeatedly: it’s already YOUR shared money."

Here's the problem with this line of thinking: You somehow want to believe this while simultaneously saying that the retirement money she'd get if her parents died tomorrow would only be hers. She hasn't worked for 3ish years. He covered them 100% for those 3/13 years of marriage, yet her inheritance shouldn't be used to offset this uneven contribution?!?! It's like people want to have the rule benefit her no matter what. There needs to be a principled approach to these matters. Otherwise, it's just one of those "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine" situations.

I mean that's fine and all if you want to use that logic, but the reality is in most states inheritance that is kept separate is not considered a marital asset.

And OP has not even received her inheritance, and she may not ever receive it. Her parents could spend it on elder care easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go with prenup even though it expired

I agree. Seems completely fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It’s not that straightforward and I have no doubt that in a marriage this long the commingling of assets would easily unwind this argument."

In that case, the general rule that she'll get an inheritance that would be considered non marital property should be disregarded. If he comingled, which benefits her, than she needs to reciprocate by including the reality that her inheritance would have benefitted both of them in retirement, had they remained married.

You are spreading false and crazy ideas here about possible future inheritance that is worth exactly 0 until it is actually received. It’s not like if you have a creditor, they have a claim against inheritance that you don’t yet have - same thing with a spouse that you are divorcing. You don’t show up at court and say, but your honor my spouse may get an inheritance from her parents someday so she shouldn’t get half of our assets. That's just absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It’s not that straightforward and I have no doubt that in a marriage this long the commingling of assets would easily unwind this argument."

In that case, the general rule that she'll get an inheritance that would be considered non marital property should be disregarded. If he comingled, which benefits her, than she needs to reciprocate by including the reality that her inheritance would have benefitted both of them in retirement, had they remained married.

lol no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go with prenup even though it expired

I agree. Seems completely fair.

How is this fair? It expired. They have time periods for a reason.