How would you divide the money in this divorce scenario?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

Got it, OP. Sorry that things did not work out between the 2 of you. Take care of yourself in the divorce settlement. A bird in hand is worth 2 in the bush. You are not too far behind him in age, and there are no guarantees that the economy, the market and social security will go as planned for people your age. So take what is legally yours.

Don't forget that you may still end up taking care of him in old age because you share a child with him, so it is in your interest either way to safeguard some of your joint marital property. Many divorced parents help their children take care of their elderly parents.

And OP likely will be the parent who puts her child through college. Not her elderly ExH. But please, please, do not “trade” any present money in your divorce settlement for his future promise to fund college . It’s better to get 50% now and invest it for your child’s future than trying to enforce the divorce settlement when it’s time for your child to attend college

You have no idea what he will do or not do as you haven't talked to him. College is a choice, not a right. Many parents, married, or divorced or never married, don't pay for college. And, when you choose to alienate them, why should dad pay?

Good parents usually are present in their children life regardless, and paying for college is one of the ways to show the child is loved unconditionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

Got it, OP. Sorry that things did not work out between the 2 of you. Take care of yourself in the divorce settlement. A bird in hand is worth 2 in the bush. You are not too far behind him in age, and there are no guarantees that the economy, the market and social security will go as planned for people your age. So take what is legally yours.

Don't forget that you may still end up taking care of him in old age because you share a child with him, so it is in your interest either way to safeguard some of your joint marital property. Many divorced parents help their children take care of their elderly parents.

And OP likely will be the parent who puts her child through college. Not her elderly ExH. But please, please, do not “trade” any present money in your divorce settlement for his future promise to fund college . It’s better to get 50% now and invest it for your child’s future than trying to enforce the divorce settlement when it’s time for your child to attend college

You have no idea what he will do or not do as you haven't talked to him. College is a choice, not a right. Many parents, married, or divorced or never married, don't pay for college. And, when you choose to alienate them, why should dad pay?

College de-facto is the right: 90% of parents in the US support their kids through colleges. Only few (probably not the best parents anyway) don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

You just glossed over the abuse? Jesus Christ. Talk about bad advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

But there is something to be said for the weight that will be lifted from her shoulders when she is single and hoping she might meet the right person as opposed to being resigned to live miserable with her DH.

Not sure if that is worth a divorce in her case, but hope is a powerful drug.

She also gets out of being his caretaker now that he's super old, underemployed, and angry. And no, it won't fall on their child because their elementary-age child is too young and will be for a long time.

But leaving a marriage in mid-life with a young child, hoping to find a replacement husband, is not a good reason, and it is unlikely. Leave to be single, fine.

He may be healthier than she is and she have the health issues. She probably cheated and going with her AP.

Given the described worsened anger and self control issues, OPs Stbx is entering the early stage of a generative brain decease so it’s unlikely that he’ll be healthier than her . 95% less likely statistically speaking . He’ll die 15 years earlier than her with a 99% chance

[Anonymous]

You have gotten good advice here already. Get a lawyer. Get the college costs factored in!

[Anonymous]

You had me at you don’t want use lawyer - why would anyone getting divorced not see a lawyer? Even if short term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

You just glossed over the abuse? Jesus Christ. Talk about bad advice.

She said anger and control issues...that is not necessarily abuse. I had extreme emotional and financial abuse and postdivorce, it still would have been better to stay married.

She should NOT divorce with another partner in mind. That is sheer stupidity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

But there is something to be said for the weight that will be lifted from her shoulders when she is single and hoping she might meet the right person as opposed to being resigned to live miserable with her DH.

Not sure if that is worth a divorce in her case, but hope is a powerful drug.

She will realize later how shortlived and shortsighted she was if she divorces. There really is not as much weight lifted as people like to imagine. AND it is highly unlikely she will remarry. Remarriage rates have been falling for decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

But there is something to be said for the weight that will be lifted from her shoulders when she is single and hoping she might meet the right person as opposed to being resigned to live miserable with her DH.

Not sure if that is worth a divorce in her case, but hope is a powerful drug.

She also gets out of being his caretaker now that he's super old, underemployed, and angry. And no, it won't fall on their child because their elementary-age child is too young and will be for a long time.

But leaving a marriage in mid-life with a young child, hoping to find a replacement husband, is not a good reason, and it is unlikely. Leave to be single, fine.

Exactly: the motivation should be "being single is better than staying" rather than "maybe I will find someone else." If her motivation is "hope" for another relationship, that is truly not a bad enough marriage to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

You just glossed over the abuse? Jesus Christ. Talk about bad advice.

She said anger and control issues...that is not necessarily abuse. I had extreme emotional and financial abuse and postdivorce, it still would have been better to stay married.

She should NOT divorce with another partner in mind. That is sheer stupidity.

No, she said emotional ABUSE and anger issues. Stop telling women to stay with abusive men. Even if there is no one else out there, she will be better off NOT BEING ABUSED.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

But there is something to be said for the weight that will be lifted from her shoulders when she is single and hoping she might meet the right person as opposed to being resigned to live miserable with her DH.

Not sure if that is worth a divorce in her case, but hope is a powerful drug.

She also gets out of being his caretaker now that he's super old, underemployed, and angry. And no, it won't fall on their child because their elementary-age child is too young and will be for a long time.

But leaving a marriage in mid-life with a young child, hoping to find a replacement husband, is not a good reason, and it is unlikely. Leave to be single, fine.

Exactly: the motivation should be "being single is better than staying" rather than "maybe I will find someone else." If her motivation is "hope" for another relationship, that is truly not a bad enough marriage to leave.

People can leave a marriage for any reason. That is one of the great things about living in 2025. She doesn't need your approval or permission to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

OP here - I did finally reach the point where I was okay with being alone, and that was when I was finally ready to initiate the divorce. I did not have an affair, as some people are suggesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP started this thread as a decent person.... after listening to DCUM bitter women, OP will leave as a different person.

She started this thread as a decent person who was about to be divorced and homeless...

She could always, you know, honor her vows and not abandon her husband.

Back to this question: OP, why are you leaving this guy? You seem to like him.

OP here. I respect him as an honest person and a devoted father, but I am leaving because of ongoing emotional abuse/anger issues.

Someone else asked if I cheated: No, I never did. But I'm acutely aware that I am now more than halfway through my life, and I'd like to try and find happiness with someone else while I'm still reasonably attractive and fit.

This is a horrible reason to divorce. It is very unlikely you will find a new partner. (I am divorced but it was a horrible marriage from day 1 and I divorced because being alone FOREVER was better than staying married...that is the only scenario that should be considered. Not a pipedream that you will find someone else.)

OP here - I did finally reach the point where I was okay with being alone, and that was when I was finally ready to initiate the divorce. I did not have an affair, as some people are suggesting.

OP: great that you are clear about motive to divorce. With a young child, not own roof over your head and being a caretake for an elderly parent in your early 50s you will be a red flag to avoid for any man in this age group. Or you will get into a new relationship with unhealthy codependence or some sex deviations. Please, please, keep your child out of your dating life post divorce (particular if a girl) and focus on building a healthy retirement fund. You will be grateful for the advice you received on this board.

I am forever grateful to advice I received here in a similar situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please know that we are rooting for you and your STBX. Some of the PPs may seem harsh, but they just want you to approach this with caution and clarity.

You seem to be counting in best case scenario with future events( housing, caregiver job, inheritance), while your spouse is counting on worst case scenario ( his business does not pick up again), and this is making you feel you can afford to give him more than he would give you if the roles were reserved.

It's great that you want to make sure he is taken care of. But he doesn't seem to reciprocate that feeling. Perhaps he too is optimistic about your position with the relative, so he thinks you will be fine either way.

How about this: get the maximum you get under the law and then if your family comes through with the job and the inheritance and you feel like your STBX could use some help, help him out financially over the years.

I have a friend who takes care of her ex. They split their joint assets down the middle, but she makes a lot of money in her law firm while he is retired. So she pays for his apartment and monthly expenses even though she has full custody of their child. It would have been foolish for her to give him all the assets based on the assumption that her firm will flourish. What if the firm had failed? She'd be left with nothing and starting from scratch in her late 40s.

And OP can put provisions in the agreement like, if his income falls below X then they can reduce her spousal support by Y. They can have a "what if his business doesn't do well" clause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please know that we are rooting for you and your STBX. Some of the PPs may seem harsh, but they just want you to approach this with caution and clarity.

You seem to be counting in best case scenario with future events( housing, caregiver job, inheritance), while your spouse is counting on worst case scenario ( his business does not pick up again), and this is making you feel you can afford to give him more than he would give you if the roles were reserved.

It's great that you want to make sure he is taken care of. But he doesn't seem to reciprocate that feeling. Perhaps he too is optimistic about your position with the relative, so he thinks you will be fine either way.

How about this: get the maximum you get under the law and then if your family comes through with the job and the inheritance and you feel like your STBX could use some help, help him out financially over the years.

I have a friend who takes care of her ex. They split their joint assets down the middle, but she makes a lot of money in her law firm while he is retired. So she pays for his apartment and monthly expenses even though she has full custody of their child. It would have been foolish for her to give him all the assets based on the assumption that her firm will flourish. What if the firm had failed? She'd be left with nothing and starting from scratch in her late 40s.

And OP can put provisions in the agreement like, if his income falls below X then they can reduce her spousal support by Y. They can have a "what if his business doesn't do well" clause.

You don't even need it as child and spousal support are adjustable if income goes down. OP needs to get her share of their marital assets and then she needs to get a job. She's living in Lala Land based on her comments.