Failure to launch what age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, finances and the current job/housing market are definitely skewing the picture of what used to qualify for FTL. My cousin is a total FTL. 40, college graduate, never had a job, ever. Lives alone in a terrific NYC apartment. Has basically been surfing the web fulltime from Lower Manhattan for since graduation. No hobbies, no philanthropy, no ... anything. 100% funded by my very wealthy aunt and uncle.

My brother is the same way only without a degree. And my parents, who are subsidizing him and his apartment are not wealthy. They depleted their retirement funds and took some loans on top of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has a job and living at home is NOT failure to launch. It is likely an affordability issue … do not blame the ridiculous cost of living on the adult kids.

If housing is too much, they have roommates like all the other twenty-somethings. The ones moving home are the exception, and their parents are their enablers.

Moving home enabled me to attend graduate school with minimal student loans. I graduated and lived with DH while he attended grad school while I worked FT. Launching takes many forms especially when someone does not have wealthy parents to provide financial assistance otherwise.

+1 allowing your kids to live in the family home after college so they can save up for a downpayment and invest more for retirement can be a great financial gift.

My friend's son lives "independently" in NYC in an apartment purchased by his parents for his use. We can't do that but can let DS live with us for a year or two since his job is a reasonable commute from our house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually care less about the FTL adult child than I do about the parental reactions. Do they consistently or episodically enable and support destructive behavior? Do they disagree with the FTL child’s warped sense of reality?

And then … if the FTL child is 40 and still getting substantial financial support, whose fault is that and WWJD?

FTL kids are absolutely the parents' fault. You either set expectations that financial support ends after college (or graduate school if you're wealthy and want to support it), or you don't. I have seen kids who milk their parents for a long time or even indefinitely, and they do it because they can. It's our job as parents to set expectations and enforce boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this thread would be a lot more interesting and useful if people identified the age of their kids. It’s easy to have hardened opinions on the subject when your kids are still young enough for it to be theoretical.

I’ve launched a kid who is living on her own and paying her way, but I also know that between the cost of housing, health care, food, and a whole lot of other things, it’s a very, very different reality today than it was when we were young adults. I’d be much more interested in a conversation of people who have seen this first-hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Figuring things out: 19- 24.

Failure to launch: 25-30.

I disagree with this.

After investing half a million dollars in each of my kids' educations, they damn well better have it figured out by 24.

Okkkkk

How can this not make sense to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has a job and living at home is NOT failure to launch. It is likely an affordability issue … do not blame the ridiculous cost of living on the adult kids.

If housing is too much, they have roommates like all the other twenty-somethings. The ones moving home are the exception, and their parents are their enablers.

Moving home enabled me to attend graduate school with minimal student loans. I graduated and lived with DH while he attended grad school while I worked FT. Launching takes many forms especially when someone does not have wealthy parents to provide financial assistance otherwise.

+1 allowing your kids to live in the family home after college so they can save up for a downpayment and invest more for retirement can be a great financial gift.

My friend's son lives "independently" in NYC in an apartment purchased by his parents for his use. We can't do that but can let DS live with us for a year or two since his job is a reasonable commute from our house

This is an important point. Many of the young adults who appear to be living independently simply aren’t. Many are quietly supported by family. This is much, much more common than it used to be, and it’s not talked about much.

So I wouldn’t trust that having one’s own apartment is “independent and launched” and that living at home is “failure to launch.” It might just look that way to people who don’t understand the real financial picture.

Times are different, that’s for sure.

[Anonymous]

I have an acquaintance who is still living with his mother in his mid thirties. (She makes a great meatloaf.) He doesn’t seem to have a regular job and spends a lot of his free time crashing weddings and trying to pick up women. I give him credit, though. He’s an innovator; he figured out that women were more emotionally vulnerable at funerals so he started crashing those instead. He is something of a legend in this regard, actually. But definitely a case if failure to launch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Figuring things out: 19- 24.

Failure to launch: 25-30.

I disagree with this.

After investing half a million dollars in each of my kids' educations, they damn well better have it figured out by 24.

I feel the same. I expect my kids to have internships in undergraduate and a job lined up at college graduation, and independent housing lined up shortly after. I've sacrificed a lot for their education, and they need to do something with it. Also, I recently learned that the trust fund that my parents set up for my kids requires them to finish college, and they get a match on earned income up to a certain amount, which I think is great. Failure to launch is not an option.

A trust fund that offers a match on earned income is not independent living. I mean, it's better than a trust fund with no requirement to work, but it’s not exactly earning your own way.

No judgement — a lot of us wish we could give our kids this kind of security and would if we could. (I sure would.) But you might want to withhold judgement toward young people without that built-in cushion. What to you looks like FTL might in some cases be more independent and boot strappy than your trust fund kids.

Best of luck to all the young adults out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many of these parents are going to want their kid to move in with them again when they’re 80 and need help? That’s what the old-fashioned “failure to launch” maiden aunts did in my family. If we had more of them we wouldn’t need assisted living facilities.

Define “need help”.

If it’s the light housekeeping, cooking, shopping, it’s more efficient to save money for that rather than support a FTL kid until your 80s.

If it’s the full blown hands on care - mwahahaha. The 50 y o “child” who so far was incapable to do any job will suddenly step up for a very challenging task. Yeah, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Figuring things out: 19- 24.

Failure to launch: 25-30.

I disagree with this.

After investing half a million dollars in each of my kids' educations, they damn well better have it figured out by 24.

Dude. That was a choice. Not a particularly SMART one, but a choice nonetheless. You don't get to wield your poor decisions like a cudgel now.

[Anonymous]

I’d say by 24-25.

My older kids are 27,25,24,22,& 20 and the eldest three are fully launched.

[Anonymous]

I think a true failure to launch is pretty extreme, but my DH's nephew is an example of it.

Applied to GMU, but didn't get in. Spent a couple of years not going to school at all and not working. Took two classes at NOVA, failed both for failing to go. Fast forward, is now 38 and still living with his mother who is now retired and over 70. I doubt he has worked for an entire year total between graduation from high school and now. He's tried a few jobs (Best Buy, the Amazon warehouse, etc), but never lasts more than a couple of months at the most. His mother swears she doesn't give him money. Yet he has plenty for weed and going out to eat with his friends. We know he steals from her, but she's probably giving him money as well.

That, folks, is a failure to launch. Well, it's probably failure to launch, plus. He lived with a girlfriend for a few months at one point, but that didn't last. Not shocking. He doesn't even help his mother out -- she has to pay someone to mow the yard.

[Anonymous]

If they live at home but have a degree and a full time salaried job at 24, I don't view that as failure to launch. I think it can be a good financial strategy to save for a downpayment. But I would want to know that they are saving their money in an account for that purpose. They would also need to contribute to the household in some way: chores, cooking meals, sharing utility payments. Mom and Dad don't run an AirB&B

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Figuring things out: 19- 24.

Failure to launch: 25-30.

I disagree with this.

After investing half a million dollars in each of my kids' educations, they damn well better have it figured out by 24.

Just curious how old your kids actually are. I have a 23 year old who graduated college and excelled at a job for 18 months and was just laid off. Even while working, they had been living at home due to the high cost of living. They purchased their own car, paid their own insurance, started retirement accounts and put tens of thousands away. They are great fun and great company and have a lovely social network. Are they failure to launch? I don’t think any education is worth half a million dollars. Our kids chose state universities that we could afford and they don’t owe us anything in return. We also think it’s great starting life debt-free.

My definition of failure to launch varies based on individual circumstances. An adult child with a disability or mental health struggles needs more supports and more patience. As long as they are moving towards independence, I do not judge if they are 22 or 30. A 22 year old who didn’t attend college or a vocational program and is not employed full-time would strike me as failure to launch. Or a college grad who makes no effort to find a job and is out partying with friends would also strike me as failure to launch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Figuring things out: 19- 24.

Failure to launch: 25-30.

I disagree with this.

After investing half a million dollars in each of my kids' educations, they damn well better have it figured out by 24.

Just curious how old your kids actually are. I have a 23 year old who graduated college and excelled at a job for 18 months and was just laid off. Even while working, they had been living at home due to the high cost of living. They purchased their own car, paid their own insurance, started retirement accounts and put tens of thousands away. They are great fun and great company and have a lovely social network. Are they failure to launch? I don’t think any education is worth half a million dollars. Our kids chose state universities that we could afford and they don’t owe us anything in return. We also think it’s great starting life debt-free.

My definition of failure to launch varies based on individual circumstances. An adult child with a disability or mental health struggles needs more supports and more patience. As long as they are moving towards independence, I do not judge if they are 22 or 30. A 22 year old who didn’t attend college or a vocational program and is not employed full-time would strike me as failure to launch. Or a college grad who makes no effort to find a job and is out partying with friends would also strike me as failure to launch.

Very thoughtful post. I’ll bet you’re a great parent. Good luck to your kid.