Failure to launch what age?

[Anonymous]

Define failure to launch specifically. Like has job but has to live at home? Or never finished college? At what age is an adult child still ‘figuring things out’ and at what age does it become ‘failure to launch’?

[Anonymous]

There's no set age. It depends on many factors.

[Anonymous]

By 23 or 24 I'd be worried, 19 if no job or not going to school.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's an age thing.

You can be 28 or 35 or 47 and live with your parents because it's a mutually fulfilling choice. Saves money for all of you, help each other out, maybe grandparents help with childcare. Intergenerational living isn't by definition a failure if everyone is on board.

If you are a parent who wants you kid to move out, but your fully employed, independent kid prefers to live at home to save up for a down payment, and you're unwilling to express to him that this is no longer working for you, similarly, I wouldn't call that failure to launch. That's just failure to grow a spine and communicate.

But if you're in the more common American position of a child living at home who is un/under employed, with or without a college degree but no graduate school, and truly unable to financially live independently when that's the parent's desire, I'd move that to the failure to launch category when the situation has been fairly static for over a year and the kid is over about age 25.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Define failure to launch specifically. Like has job but has to live at home? Or never finished college? At what age is an adult child still ‘figuring things out’ and at what age does it become ‘failure to launch’?

Did they start college and didn't finished?

Do they have a job but you still pay for their bills?

Do they live day by day with no goals in mind?

Are they still depending on you for everything except a roof?

Are you constantly arguing and nagging them?

I would say mid 20s.

[Anonymous]

Figuring things out: 19- 24.

Failure to launch: 25-30.

[Anonymous]

It's any age that they are living at home and not accepting the responsibilities of adulthood. If they are doing chores, making money, and behaving courteously , it's fine. They should also have age appropriate peer friendships of course.

If they're just home not doing much and being surly, or drinking or getting high, that's FTL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Figuring things out: 19- 24.

Failure to launch: 25-30.

I disagree with this.

After investing half a million dollars in each of my kids' educations, they damn well better have it figured out by 24.

[Anonymous]

It's not about age, it's about dependency.

My BIL went to college, graduated, and lived on his own for almost 8 years, in another state, working and supporting himself. He struggled some (couldn't find a job/career to land on and wandered a bit) but was in fact supporting himself.

Then at 29 he had a job loss, moved home with his parents, and literally never left. He didn't work for the first several years he was in their house. Then he worked but it was a minimum wage job. Then he quit that job and went back to school (on parent's dime) and got a 2nd degree with more of an eye towards a career. Started that career (still living in parents house). Did it for 3 years, then either quit or was fired (unclear, I suspect fired but playing it off as quitting) and has been unemployed since.

He has not supported himself in 20 years. But he went to college (actually went twice) and supported himself for nearly a decade before that, even if he wasn't exactly flourishing.

He's still a failure to launch. Never married, no kids, barely has friends (a handful of people he's met through work or knew from school, but all have had families and careers and left him behind which makes it hard to maintain friendships).

[Anonymous]

I would say, one full year after college graduation. Either they’re in grad school (which means I’m supporting them financially- fine), or they have a job. If they have a job but prefer to live at home, and are equal partners in paying bills and cooking and cleaning, I’d be surprised because that’s culturally a little unusual, but I wouldn’t kick them out . If they were living at home and not contributing and partying in the evenings I’d insist they moved out. So I guess I’m saying 1 full year after college graduation with no place of their own and job of their own (or grad school) is a failure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's any age that they are living at home and not accepting the responsibilities of adulthood. If they are doing chores, making money, and behaving courteously , it's fine. They should also have age appropriate peer friendships of course.

If they're just home not doing much and being surly, or drinking or getting high, that's FTL.

+1 and I'd add taking the initiative to move forward in their work in some way so that they will be able to afford to live on their own. Getting promoted at their job, pursuing additional education, looking for a better job, seriously pursuing a passion that has potential for income, etc. = not FTL. Working at a fast food place and content to do that forever while living with Mom and Dad = FTL.

With housing costs the way they are, multigenerational households are going to be more common and that can work great as long as everyone is pitching in and the younger generation doesn't use it as an excuse not to work toward launching themselves.

[Anonymous]

My kids can stay with me till age 35 for free. After that they have to pay for their share of household expenses (maybe not rent).

Other than that my expectations from my kids are - they will be healthy (eat healthy foods and exercise), will grow skills (certifications), have a social circle (friends, ability to plan,SO), save money for retirement and investment etc.

[Anonymous]

When they’re over 18 and spend their days playing video games and not working or going to school they’ve failed to launch. I’ve seen parents let this happen and it’s sad because the “kid” is still on this path at age 27. I would say the things that put FTL into motion start in the late teen years and the fault spirals back to the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anything beyond 28 is firmly in FTL territory.

Between 24 and 27 is borderline depending on circumstances.

Let me know if you have any further questions.

[Anonymous]

Failure to launch is a mindset, not a place or an age.

You can be in failure to launch, living in a parent-funded apartment, without a stable job or relationships, like my 30 year old nephew. He suffers from severe depression, anxiety and sleep apnea. His father subsidizes his lifestyle, and my nephew is with it enough to worry about his long-term future and tries to invest wisely (his father's allowance) to have a little income in decades to come. He also has a tiny disability income.

Or you can live like many 20 somethings in Europe, where I come from, in your parents' home, with a fulfilling job, soon to be married to a nice person, planning for kids and a normal future... but saving for a place of your own because the cost of living and real estate is too damn high. Italy in particular is very hard hit with a housing shortage. There are empty villages where no one wants to live, but all the cities are crammed to the gills and foreign investors are driving up market prices.

But at no point is failure to launch a reason to hold someone in contempt. No one wants to be that person. There are always reasons behind it, even though they may not be visible to you.