Are you lucky parents blessed with great kids?

[Anonymous]

My kids are 21 and 23 and both are great. I think part of it is just luck. They were easy babies and easy toddlers, sweet-tempered, affectionate, good humored, no tantrums or defiance. I mean I can literally count on the fingers of one hand meltdowns that even came close to tantrum status, and that is counting both kids. I mean I think I am an awesome parent, too! I treated them as full humans, whose thoughts and needs mattered. But I also think, man, I got lucky.

Not that they haven't had their tough moments and small crises, like a tough class, a fight with friends, breakups, and all the usual. But overall they are and always have been pretty stable, loving, sensible kids who do well in school and generally get along with other humans . Very lucky.

[Anonymous]

My three are now young adults and they are great and we are very proud of them. We took parenting very seriously starting with creating a very happy home life. We have a very loving marriage which I think creates a very good environment to grow up in. I don’t think we ever argued in front of them because we never argue. We always lived below our means and we often talked about the importance of working hard and saving money. We always made time for them in terms of their interests be it sports, dance etc. Both my husband and I grew up in very happy households so we had very good role models.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think genetics plays a major role but I don't believe it's everything. I also think there are things people attribute to genetics that are something else, something that is still passed down from parents but is not DNA coded.

I come from a troubled family with violence and substance abuse. That's a legacy that was definitely handed down to me from both sides of my family, and that appears to go back at least several generations, to when both sides of my family immigrated to the US. The impact on me of those generations of poor parenting, domestic violence, and alchohol abuse is quite apparent. I'll probably never be completely free of it even though I've worked hard on my own and in therapy to process nd deal with it.

However, my own kid has not experienced any abuse. Never been hit or even yelled at. Two parents, intact family, zero substance abuse issues. Nurturing home, good communication, authoritative but not authoritarian parenting. Good peer group, lots of academic and enrichment opportunities. Good nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

I see myself in my kid all the time. I also see my parents. People in my family are generally very bright and academically adept -- I see that in her. She's also physically slight and not very athletic, also family traits. But I also see differences -- she is more confident in her self, not insecure. She accepts criticism more easily. She doesn't worry so much. She is emotionally steady and not prone to mood swings. She's easy to be around, well liked by classmates and teachers, intellectual curious, and funny. She's one of those great kids OP mentioned.

So it's like an experiment on nature versus nurture. She's only 10. Will she really escape the legacy of violence and abuse that I was born into? Are my choices and efforts enough to save her from that, or is it actually genetically coded. I believe, obviously, that in our case, the troubles are nurture, not nature. That several generations removed from whatever the original source of the violence and abuse was (poverty? war? oppression? I truly don't know), I can break a chain of generational violence through effort.

My experiment isn't over yet, but I do think it's nature AND nurture, and that the parenting choices you make are of central importance to the kind of kid you raise and how you send them out into the world. And a lot of what some might chalk up to genetics might be a different kind of legacy, one you actually have the power to change if you are so motivated.

Thank you for this. We are in a similar situation - a legacy of alcoholism, undiagnosed mental illness and violence. I am nearly sixty and I have only recently realized that for me a “successful outcome” for my kids will ultimately have very little to do with what colleges they attended, grad school or even how much money they make. My sister says “I will feel good if my kids are all happy. If they are not in unhappy marriages and relationships and if they generally think of life as pleasant rather than unpleasant.” We are both developing this perspective. They have done well academically but everybody struggles with anxiety, there is some ADHD, some kids on medication. I am still married to the same person and I am somewhat optimistic that they will all manage to sustain long term relationships. Whether or not somebody gets a tattoo and that kind of stuff seems pretty irrelevant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Culture. That and family values.

15 and 17; both high achievers and hardworking. D followed by S.

We chose a more modest home in the best school district we could afford and we don’t drive luxury vehicles; preferring to put the $$ saved into college funds. We also pay 100% for our vehicles (no loans). Will have house payed off b/f kids finish college.

It is really all about values.

You didn’t mention any values. You are doing a good job with finances but that’s not a culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Culture. That and family values.

15 and 17; both high achievers and hardworking. D followed by S.

We chose a more modest home in the best school district we could afford and we don’t drive luxury vehicles; preferring to put the $$ saved into college funds. We also pay 100% for our vehicles (no loans). Will have house payed off b/f kids finish college.

It is really all about values.

Making $250k+ a year probably helps a lot too...

Or is it even more than that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t for a second take credit for my kids’ good qualities. It’s luck.

Some good qualities can be expanded with the parent’s help. And sometimes a parent needs to take credit for some bad qualities.

My daughter had some friends in the 3rd through 5th grade that were mean. They were always excluding other kids, ridiculing the other girls’ clothes, just plain mean. One of the mothers was clueless and didn’t seem to notice how mean her kid was. Another one had a mother who saw nothing wrong with inviting all the girls in class with the exception of one girl.

Every year the various teachers would tell me that my daughter was not a bully but she was friends with them and it wasn’t good for her. She was in class with them all day. All I could do was have very frequent conversations about how much hurt her friends caused and what an awful thing it was to make someone feel bad. To complement someone is so much nicer than to say mean things and it makes you both feel good.

She moved on in middle school away from those girls. The teachers told me she stood right up if someone was laughing at another child in gym or class and told them to stop.

I saw a difference between kids who had mothers who would not tolerate bullying or meanness compared to mothers who just shrugged their shoulders and thought that’s life. It’s not all luck.