Are you lucky parents blessed with great kids?

[Anonymous]

Lottery isn't a great term. When you buy a losing lottery ticket, it doesn't ruin the rest of your life.

[Anonymous]

I do think genetics plays a major role but I don't believe it's everything. I also think there are things people attribute to genetics that are something else, something that is still passed down from parents but is not DNA coded.

I come from a troubled family with violence and substance abuse. That's a legacy that was definitely handed down to me from both sides of my family, and that appears to go back at least several generations, to when both sides of my family immigrated to the US. The impact on me of those generations of poor parenting, domestic violence, and alchohol abuse is quite apparent. I'll probably never be completely free of it even though I've worked hard on my own and in therapy to process nd deal with it.

However, my own kid has not experienced any abuse. Never been hit or even yelled at. Two parents, intact family, zero substance abuse issues. Nurturing home, good communication, authoritative but not authoritarian parenting. Good peer group, lots of academic and enrichment opportunities. Good nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

I see myself in my kid all the time. I also see my parents. People in my family are generally very bright and academically adept -- I see that in her. She's also physically slight and not very athletic, also family traits. But I also see differences -- she is more confident in her self, not insecure. She accepts criticism more easily. She doesn't worry so much. She is emotionally steady and not prone to mood swings. She's easy to be around, well liked by classmates and teachers, intellectual curious, and funny. She's one of those great kids OP mentioned.

So it's like an experiment on nature versus nurture. She's only 10. Will she really escape the legacy of violence and abuse that I was born into? Are my choices and efforts enough to save her from that, or is it actually genetically coded. I believe, obviously, that in our case, the troubles are nurture, not nature. That several generations removed from whatever the original source of the violence and abuse was (poverty? war? oppression? I truly don't know), I can break a chain of generational violence through effort.

My experiment isn't over yet, but I do think it's nature AND nurture, and that the parenting choices you make are of central importance to the kind of kid you raise and how you send them out into the world. And a lot of what some might chalk up to genetics might be a different kind of legacy, one you actually have the power to change if you are so motivated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think genetics plays a major role but I don't believe it's everything. I also think there are things people attribute to genetics that are something else, something that is still passed down from parents but is not DNA coded.

I come from a troubled family with violence and substance abuse. That's a legacy that was definitely handed down to me from both sides of my family, and that appears to go back at least several generations, to when both sides of my family immigrated to the US. The impact on me of those generations of poor parenting, domestic violence, and alchohol abuse is quite apparent. I'll probably never be completely free of it even though I've worked hard on my own and in therapy to process nd deal with it.

However, my own kid has not experienced any abuse. Never been hit or even yelled at. Two parents, intact family, zero substance abuse issues. Nurturing home, good communication, authoritative but not authoritarian parenting. Good peer group, lots of academic and enrichment opportunities. Good nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

I see myself in my kid all the time. I also see my parents. People in my family are generally very bright and academically adept -- I see that in her. She's also physically slight and not very athletic, also family traits. But I also see differences -- she is more confident in her self, not insecure. She accepts criticism more easily. She doesn't worry so much. She is emotionally steady and not prone to mood swings. She's easy to be around, well liked by classmates and teachers, intellectual curious, and funny. She's one of those great kids OP mentioned.

So it's like an experiment on nature versus nurture. She's only 10. Will she really escape the legacy of violence and abuse that I was born into? Are my choices and efforts enough to save her from that, or is it actually genetically coded. I believe, obviously, that in our case, the troubles are nurture, not nature. That several generations removed from whatever the original source of the violence and abuse was (poverty? war? oppression? I truly don't know), I can break a chain of generational violence through effort.

My experiment isn't over yet, but I do think it's nature AND nurture, and that the parenting choices you make are of central importance to the kind of kid you raise and how you send them out into the world. And a lot of what some might chalk up to genetics might be a different kind of legacy, one you actually have the power to change if you are so motivated.

I'd love to see you change autism.

[Anonymous]

I know I have great kids, because they have a lot of friends. Younger one also gets a lot of play-dates. More than I can manage, but the parents pick the kid up and keep them all day.
It's genetics. I stay out of parenting as much as possible. Just food, shelter, clothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think genetics plays a major role but I don't believe it's everything. I also think there are things people attribute to genetics that are something else, something that is still passed down from parents but is not DNA coded.

I come from a troubled family with violence and substance abuse. That's a legacy that was definitely handed down to me from both sides of my family, and that appears to go back at least several generations, to when both sides of my family immigrated to the US. The impact on me of those generations of poor parenting, domestic violence, and alchohol abuse is quite apparent. I'll probably never be completely free of it even though I've worked hard on my own and in therapy to process nd deal with it.

However, my own kid has not experienced any abuse. Never been hit or even yelled at. Two parents, intact family, zero substance abuse issues. Nurturing home, good communication, authoritative but not authoritarian parenting. Good peer group, lots of academic and enrichment opportunities. Good nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

I see myself in my kid all the time. I also see my parents. People in my family are generally very bright and academically adept -- I see that in her. She's also physically slight and not very athletic, also family traits. But I also see differences -- she is more confident in her self, not insecure. She accepts criticism more easily. She doesn't worry so much. She is emotionally steady and not prone to mood swings. She's easy to be around, well liked by classmates and teachers, intellectual curious, and funny. She's one of those great kids OP mentioned.

So it's like an experiment on nature versus nurture. She's only 10. Will she really escape the legacy of violence and abuse that I was born into? Are my choices and efforts enough to save her from that, or is it actually genetically coded. I believe, obviously, that in our case, the troubles are nurture, not nature. That several generations removed from whatever the original source of the violence and abuse was (poverty? war? oppression? I truly don't know), I can break a chain of generational violence through effort.

My experiment isn't over yet, but I do think it's nature AND nurture, and that the parenting choices you make are of central importance to the kind of kid you raise and how you send them out into the world. And a lot of what some might chalk up to genetics might be a different kind of legacy, one you actually have the power to change if you are so motivated.

I'd love to see you change autism.

What? Obviously PP is talking about neurotypical children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think genetics plays a major role but I don't believe it's everything. I also think there are things people attribute to genetics that are something else, something that is still passed down from parents but is not DNA coded.

I come from a troubled family with violence and substance abuse. That's a legacy that was definitely handed down to me from both sides of my family, and that appears to go back at least several generations, to when both sides of my family immigrated to the US. The impact on me of those generations of poor parenting, domestic violence, and alchohol abuse is quite apparent. I'll probably never be completely free of it even though I've worked hard on my own and in therapy to process nd deal with it.

However, my own kid has not experienced any abuse. Never been hit or even yelled at. Two parents, intact family, zero substance abuse issues. Nurturing home, good communication, authoritative but not authoritarian parenting. Good peer group, lots of academic and enrichment opportunities. Good nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

I see myself in my kid all the time. I also see my parents. People in my family are generally very bright and academically adept -- I see that in her. She's also physically slight and not very athletic, also family traits. But I also see differences -- she is more confident in her self, not insecure. She accepts criticism more easily. She doesn't worry so much. She is emotionally steady and not prone to mood swings. She's easy to be around, well liked by classmates and teachers, intellectual curious, and funny. She's one of those great kids OP mentioned.

So it's like an experiment on nature versus nurture. She's only 10. Will she really escape the legacy of violence and abuse that I was born into? Are my choices and efforts enough to save her from that, or is it actually genetically coded. I believe, obviously, that in our case, the troubles are nurture, not nature. That several generations removed from whatever the original source of the violence and abuse was (poverty? war? oppression? I truly don't know), I can break a chain of generational violence through effort.

My experiment isn't over yet, but I do think it's nature AND nurture, and that the parenting choices you make are of central importance to the kind of kid you raise and how you send them out into the world. And a lot of what some might chalk up to genetics might be a different kind of legacy, one you actually have the power to change if you are so motivated.

I'd love to see you change autism.

This is the problem. So many kids are born in a way that you can do everything as a parent but the result won't be "great" because the genetics are stacked against you. I'd also say that the number of "neurotypical" of kids is far less than the number of kids with autism, ADHD, etc., so neurotypical isn't typical at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think genetics plays a major role but I don't believe it's everything. I also think there are things people attribute to genetics that are something else, something that is still passed down from parents but is not DNA coded.

I come from a troubled family with violence and substance abuse. That's a legacy that was definitely handed down to me from both sides of my family, and that appears to go back at least several generations, to when both sides of my family immigrated to the US. The impact on me of those generations of poor parenting, domestic violence, and alchohol abuse is quite apparent. I'll probably never be completely free of it even though I've worked hard on my own and in therapy to process nd deal with it.

However, my own kid has not experienced any abuse. Never been hit or even yelled at. Two parents, intact family, zero substance abuse issues. Nurturing home, good communication, authoritative but not authoritarian parenting. Good peer group, lots of academic and enrichment opportunities. Good nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

I see myself in my kid all the time. I also see my parents. People in my family are generally very bright and academically adept -- I see that in her. She's also physically slight and not very athletic, also family traits. But I also see differences -- she is more confident in her self, not insecure. She accepts criticism more easily. She doesn't worry so much. She is emotionally steady and not prone to mood swings. She's easy to be around, well liked by classmates and teachers, intellectual curious, and funny. She's one of those great kids OP mentioned.

So it's like an experiment on nature versus nurture. She's only 10. Will she really escape the legacy of violence and abuse that I was born into? Are my choices and efforts enough to save her from that, or is it actually genetically coded. I believe, obviously, that in our case, the troubles are nurture, not nature. That several generations removed from whatever the original source of the violence and abuse was (poverty? war? oppression? I truly don't know), I can break a chain of generational violence through effort.

My experiment isn't over yet, but I do think it's nature AND nurture, and that the parenting choices you make are of central importance to the kind of kid you raise and how you send them out into the world. And a lot of what some might chalk up to genetics might be a different kind of legacy, one you actually have the power to change if you are so motivated.

I'd love to see you change autism.

This is the problem. So many kids are born in a way that you can do everything as a parent but the result won't be "great" because the genetics are stacked against you. I'd also say that the number of "neurotypical" of kids is far less than the number of kids with autism, ADHD, etc., so neurotypical isn't typical at all.

+1. "Great" kids are really in the minority because genetically they are in the minority. Most kids are great in their own way, but they aren't "great" in the way OP means them, because that requires a level of genetics most people don't have.

[Anonymous]

My kids are “great kids” but one has anxiety and the others has adhd and has been through bouts of depression. We have done a lot for them over the years that I think has helped contribute to their success, but I know a lot is luck, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think genetics plays a major role but I don't believe it's everything. I also think there are things people attribute to genetics that are something else, something that is still passed down from parents but is not DNA coded.

I come from a troubled family with violence and substance abuse. That's a legacy that was definitely handed down to me from both sides of my family, and that appears to go back at least several generations, to when both sides of my family immigrated to the US. The impact on me of those generations of poor parenting, domestic violence, and alchohol abuse is quite apparent. I'll probably never be completely free of it even though I've worked hard on my own and in therapy to process nd deal with it.

However, my own kid has not experienced any abuse. Never been hit or even yelled at. Two parents, intact family, zero substance abuse issues. Nurturing home, good communication, authoritative but not authoritarian parenting. Good peer group, lots of academic and enrichment opportunities. Good nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

I see myself in my kid all the time. I also see my parents. People in my family are generally very bright and academically adept -- I see that in her. She's also physically slight and not very athletic, also family traits. But I also see differences -- she is more confident in her self, not insecure. She accepts criticism more easily. She doesn't worry so much. She is emotionally steady and not prone to mood swings. She's easy to be around, well liked by classmates and teachers, intellectual curious, and funny. She's one of those great kids OP mentioned.

So it's like an experiment on nature versus nurture. She's only 10. Will she really escape the legacy of violence and abuse that I was born into? Are my choices and efforts enough to save her from that, or is it actually genetically coded. I believe, obviously, that in our case, the troubles are nurture, not nature. That several generations removed from whatever the original source of the violence and abuse was (poverty? war? oppression? I truly don't know), I can break a chain of generational violence through effort.

My experiment isn't over yet, but I do think it's nature AND nurture, and that the parenting choices you make are of central importance to the kind of kid you raise and how you send them out into the world. And a lot of what some might chalk up to genetics might be a different kind of legacy, one you actually have the power to change if you are so motivated.

I'd love to see you change autism.

This is the problem. So many kids are born in a way that you can do everything as a parent but the result won't be "great" because the genetics are stacked against you. I'd also say that the number of "neurotypical" of kids is far less than the number of kids with autism, ADHD, etc., so neurotypical isn't typical at all.

+1. "Great" kids are really in the minority because genetically they are in the minority. Most kids are great in their own way, but they aren't "great" in the way OP means them, because that requires a level of genetics most people don't have.

And some kids aren't great in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think genetics plays a major role but I don't believe it's everything. I also think there are things people attribute to genetics that are something else, something that is still passed down from parents but is not DNA coded.

I come from a troubled family with violence and substance abuse. That's a legacy that was definitely handed down to me from both sides of my family, and that appears to go back at least several generations, to when both sides of my family immigrated to the US. The impact on me of those generations of poor parenting, domestic violence, and alchohol abuse is quite apparent. I'll probably never be completely free of it even though I've worked hard on my own and in therapy to process nd deal with it.

However, my own kid has not experienced any abuse. Never been hit or even yelled at. Two parents, intact family, zero substance abuse issues. Nurturing home, good communication, authoritative but not authoritarian parenting. Good peer group, lots of academic and enrichment opportunities. Good nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

I see myself in my kid all the time. I also see my parents. People in my family are generally very bright and academically adept -- I see that in her. She's also physically slight and not very athletic, also family traits. But I also see differences -- she is more confident in her self, not insecure. She accepts criticism more easily. She doesn't worry so much. She is emotionally steady and not prone to mood swings. She's easy to be around, well liked by classmates and teachers, intellectual curious, and funny. She's one of those great kids OP mentioned.

So it's like an experiment on nature versus nurture. She's only 10. Will she really escape the legacy of violence and abuse that I was born into? Are my choices and efforts enough to save her from that, or is it actually genetically coded. I believe, obviously, that in our case, the troubles are nurture, not nature. That several generations removed from whatever the original source of the violence and abuse was (poverty? war? oppression? I truly don't know), I can break a chain of generational violence through effort.

My experiment isn't over yet, but I do think it's nature AND nurture, and that the parenting choices you make are of central importance to the kind of kid you raise and how you send them out into the world. And a lot of what some might chalk up to genetics might be a different kind of legacy, one you actually have the power to change if you are so motivated.

I'd love to see you change autism.

This is the problem. So many kids are born in a way that you can do everything as a parent but the result won't be "great" because the genetics are stacked against you. I'd also say that the number of "neurotypical" of kids is far less than the number of kids with autism, ADHD, etc., so neurotypical isn't typical at all.

+1. "Great" kids are really in the minority because genetically they are in the minority. Most kids are great in their own way, but they aren't "great" in the way OP means them, because that requires a level of genetics most people don't have.

This is a good reminder that you can define “great kid” however you want. And the kid will feel loved and supported because you think they’re great. Disfunction comes when you hold your kid to an impossible (for them) standard. Happy, loving families are built on loving the kid you get, exactly as they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think genetics plays a major role but I don't believe it's everything. I also think there are things people attribute to genetics that are something else, something that is still passed down from parents but is not DNA coded.

I come from a troubled family with violence and substance abuse. That's a legacy that was definitely handed down to me from both sides of my family, and that appears to go back at least several generations, to when both sides of my family immigrated to the US. The impact on me of those generations of poor parenting, domestic violence, and alchohol abuse is quite apparent. I'll probably never be completely free of it even though I've worked hard on my own and in therapy to process nd deal with it.

However, my own kid has not experienced any abuse. Never been hit or even yelled at. Two parents, intact family, zero substance abuse issues. Nurturing home, good communication, authoritative but not authoritarian parenting. Good peer group, lots of academic and enrichment opportunities. Good nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

I see myself in my kid all the time. I also see my parents. People in my family are generally very bright and academically adept -- I see that in her. She's also physically slight and not very athletic, also family traits. But I also see differences -- she is more confident in her self, not insecure. She accepts criticism more easily. She doesn't worry so much. She is emotionally steady and not prone to mood swings. She's easy to be around, well liked by classmates and teachers, intellectual curious, and funny. She's one of those great kids OP mentioned.

So it's like an experiment on nature versus nurture. She's only 10. Will she really escape the legacy of violence and abuse that I was born into? Are my choices and efforts enough to save her from that, or is it actually genetically coded. I believe, obviously, that in our case, the troubles are nurture, not nature. That several generations removed from whatever the original source of the violence and abuse was (poverty? war? oppression? I truly don't know), I can break a chain of generational violence through effort.

My experiment isn't over yet, but I do think it's nature AND nurture, and that the parenting choices you make are of central importance to the kind of kid you raise and how you send them out into the world. And a lot of what some might chalk up to genetics might be a different kind of legacy, one you actually have the power to change if you are so motivated.

I'd love to see you change autism.

This is the problem. So many kids are born in a way that you can do everything as a parent but the result won't be "great" because the genetics are stacked against you. I'd also say that the number of "neurotypical" of kids is far less than the number of kids with autism, ADHD, etc., so neurotypical isn't typical at all.

+1. "Great" kids are really in the minority because genetically they are in the minority. Most kids are great in their own way, but they aren't "great" in the way OP means them, because that requires a level of genetics most people don't have.

And some kids aren't great in any way.

I don't believe this, because "great" can be defined in so many ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think genetics plays a major role but I don't believe it's everything. I also think there are things people attribute to genetics that are something else, something that is still passed down from parents but is not DNA coded.

I come from a troubled family with violence and substance abuse. That's a legacy that was definitely handed down to me from both sides of my family, and that appears to go back at least several generations, to when both sides of my family immigrated to the US. The impact on me of those generations of poor parenting, domestic violence, and alchohol abuse is quite apparent. I'll probably never be completely free of it even though I've worked hard on my own and in therapy to process nd deal with it.

However, my own kid has not experienced any abuse. Never been hit or even yelled at. Two parents, intact family, zero substance abuse issues. Nurturing home, good communication, authoritative but not authoritarian parenting. Good peer group, lots of academic and enrichment opportunities. Good nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

I see myself in my kid all the time. I also see my parents. People in my family are generally very bright and academically adept -- I see that in her. She's also physically slight and not very athletic, also family traits. But I also see differences -- she is more confident in her self, not insecure. She accepts criticism more easily. She doesn't worry so much. She is emotionally steady and not prone to mood swings. She's easy to be around, well liked by classmates and teachers, intellectual curious, and funny. She's one of those great kids OP mentioned.

So it's like an experiment on nature versus nurture. She's only 10. Will she really escape the legacy of violence and abuse that I was born into? Are my choices and efforts enough to save her from that, or is it actually genetically coded. I believe, obviously, that in our case, the troubles are nurture, not nature. That several generations removed from whatever the original source of the violence and abuse was (poverty? war? oppression? I truly don't know), I can break a chain of generational violence through effort.

My experiment isn't over yet, but I do think it's nature AND nurture, and that the parenting choices you make are of central importance to the kind of kid you raise and how you send them out into the world. And a lot of what some might chalk up to genetics might be a different kind of legacy, one you actually have the power to change if you are so motivated.

I'd love to see you change autism.

This is the problem. So many kids are born in a way that you can do everything as a parent but the result won't be "great" because the genetics are stacked against you. I'd also say that the number of "neurotypical" of kids is far less than the number of kids with autism, ADHD, etc., so neurotypical isn't typical at all.

+1. "Great" kids are really in the minority because genetically they are in the minority. Most kids are great in their own way, but they aren't "great" in the way OP means them, because that requires a level of genetics most people don't have.

This is a good reminder that you can define “great kid” however you want. And the kid will feel loved and supported because you think they’re great. Disfunction comes when you hold your kid to an impossible (for them) standard. Happy, loving families are built on loving the kid you get, exactly as they are.

The problem is that kids are more malleable than adults, so that "exactly who they are" isn't yet fully defined. As a parent, you do have some opportunity to shape them. A genetically easy kid will be easier to shape than a genetically hard one though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think genetics plays a major role but I don't believe it's everything. I also think there are things people attribute to genetics that are something else, something that is still passed down from parents but is not DNA coded.

I come from a troubled family with violence and substance abuse. That's a legacy that was definitely handed down to me from both sides of my family, and that appears to go back at least several generations, to when both sides of my family immigrated to the US. The impact on me of those generations of poor parenting, domestic violence, and alchohol abuse is quite apparent. I'll probably never be completely free of it even though I've worked hard on my own and in therapy to process nd deal with it.

However, my own kid has not experienced any abuse. Never been hit or even yelled at. Two parents, intact family, zero substance abuse issues. Nurturing home, good communication, authoritative but not authoritarian parenting. Good peer group, lots of academic and enrichment opportunities. Good nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

I see myself in my kid all the time. I also see my parents. People in my family are generally very bright and academically adept -- I see that in her. She's also physically slight and not very athletic, also family traits. But I also see differences -- she is more confident in her self, not insecure. She accepts criticism more easily. She doesn't worry so much. She is emotionally steady and not prone to mood swings. She's easy to be around, well liked by classmates and teachers, intellectual curious, and funny. She's one of those great kids OP mentioned.

So it's like an experiment on nature versus nurture. She's only 10. Will she really escape the legacy of violence and abuse that I was born into? Are my choices and efforts enough to save her from that, or is it actually genetically coded. I believe, obviously, that in our case, the troubles are nurture, not nature. That several generations removed from whatever the original source of the violence and abuse was (poverty? war? oppression? I truly don't know), I can break a chain of generational violence through effort.

My experiment isn't over yet, but I do think it's nature AND nurture, and that the parenting choices you make are of central importance to the kind of kid you raise and how you send them out into the world. And a lot of what some might chalk up to genetics might be a different kind of legacy, one you actually have the power to change if you are so motivated.

I'd love to see you change autism.

This is the problem. So many kids are born in a way that you can do everything as a parent but the result won't be "great" because the genetics are stacked against you. I'd also say that the number of "neurotypical" of kids is far less than the number of kids with autism, ADHD, etc., so neurotypical isn't typical at all.

+1. "Great" kids are really in the minority because genetically they are in the minority. Most kids are great in their own way, but they aren't "great" in the way OP means them, because that requires a level of genetics most people don't have.

And some kids aren't great in any way.

I don't believe this, because "great" can be defined in so many ways.

That's easy to say when you don't have one.

[Anonymous]

I have two teenage sons who are pretty awesome/easy kids. Both get As in school, are athletes, have solid groups of friends, and are pleasant to be around, are great friends with each other (they are 20 months apart), and talk to us about what’s going on in their lives.

Here’s what I think:
A lot of it is luck. A good deal is genetics (both DH and I have laid back personalities and did well in school). Our SES can’t hurt (we’re more than comfortable but not so wealthy that they are not reasonably grounded and they’ve both worked for spending money since age 14). And I give ourselves a tiny bit of credit for providing a loving, calm home with consistent modeling and high expectations for good behavior but also humor, trust, and a lot of freedom/agency for them to carve their own path.

I know plenty of people though with all these things that still end up with challenging kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think genetics plays a major role but I don't believe it's everything. I also think there are things people attribute to genetics that are something else, something that is still passed down from parents but is not DNA coded.

I come from a troubled family with violence and substance abuse. That's a legacy that was definitely handed down to me from both sides of my family, and that appears to go back at least several generations, to when both sides of my family immigrated to the US. The impact on me of those generations of poor parenting, domestic violence, and alchohol abuse is quite apparent. I'll probably never be completely free of it even though I've worked hard on my own and in therapy to process nd deal with it.

However, my own kid has not experienced any abuse. Never been hit or even yelled at. Two parents, intact family, zero substance abuse issues. Nurturing home, good communication, authoritative but not authoritarian parenting. Good peer group, lots of academic and enrichment opportunities. Good nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

I see myself in my kid all the time. I also see my parents. People in my family are generally very bright and academically adept -- I see that in her. She's also physically slight and not very athletic, also family traits. But I also see differences -- she is more confident in her self, not insecure. She accepts criticism more easily. She doesn't worry so much. She is emotionally steady and not prone to mood swings. She's easy to be around, well liked by classmates and teachers, intellectual curious, and funny. She's one of those great kids OP mentioned.

So it's like an experiment on nature versus nurture. She's only 10. Will she really escape the legacy of violence and abuse that I was born into? Are my choices and efforts enough to save her from that, or is it actually genetically coded. I believe, obviously, that in our case, the troubles are nurture, not nature. That several generations removed from whatever the original source of the violence and abuse was (poverty? war? oppression? I truly don't know), I can break a chain of generational violence through effort.

My experiment isn't over yet, but I do think it's nature AND nurture, and that the parenting choices you make are of central importance to the kind of kid you raise and how you send them out into the world. And a lot of what some might chalk up to genetics might be a different kind of legacy, one you actually have the power to change if you are so motivated.

I'd love to see you change autism.

PP here and this comment is really ironic because both my DD and I are on the spectrum. And no, you can't change autism -- I didn't say there aren't fixed genetic traits that people must find a way to live with. I said, genetics do matter. But I can tell you that my child is having a really different childhood experience with ASD than I did, because where I was constantly punished and ridiculed by my own family for my neurodivergence and provided with no treatment whatsoever (and treated always like my ND behavior was willful misbehavior on my part instead of just the way my brain works), my DD is loved and embraced by her parents and provided with therapy and other supports, and has been taught to love herself and not to apologize for the ways in which her brain doesn't work the way other brains do. So it's always nature and nurture.