Are you lucky parents blessed with great kids?

[Anonymous]

As long as basic needs are met, no trauma etc…it is pure luck. You see these great parents who end up with kids addicted to drugs and homelesss etc…

You do the best you can. And you hope for a good outcome. I try to explain to my sons that one bad decision can effect the rest of their lives (having a bad reaction to drugs-you hear about kids trying for the first time and dying, getting someone pregnant, choosing to not work hard in school and having limited options for college etc…) but I know that it’s a crapshoot and I can only control the kind of home I have for them and the support I give them.

I think some kids are born were certain personalities that sort of predispose them to things. Like one of my kids has zero fear and it scares the heck out of me.

[Anonymous]

I have a set of friends that are the loveliest people. Both Ivy educated and classical musicians. Their home is full of books, music, lots of academic and artistic endeavors. They adopted a child at birth whose mother was an addict.

That child has many, many problems- despite parents’ best efforts. Our kids played together as toddlers and preschools. The child was fascinated by cigarette butts found on the ground and would almost instinctively “smoke” them. Parents don’t smoke or drink. The child has seeked out trouble in any environment put in. As a teen now, I’m fairly certain they will be headed for a life of addiction and probably jail. Nurture cannot overcome nature

[Anonymous]

Most people with more than one child know how little child rearing has to do with the child's personality. We often joke that if we'd only had our easy child, we would have been insufferably smug. All our kids are good kids, but only one is super organized, responsible, and social.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think genetics plays a major role but I don't believe it's everything. I also think there are things people attribute to genetics that are something else, something that is still passed down from parents but is not DNA coded.

I come from a troubled family with violence and substance abuse. That's a legacy that was definitely handed down to me from both sides of my family, and that appears to go back at least several generations, to when both sides of my family immigrated to the US. The impact on me of those generations of poor parenting, domestic violence, and alchohol abuse is quite apparent. I'll probably never be completely free of it even though I've worked hard on my own and in therapy to process nd deal with it.

However, my own kid has not experienced any abuse. Never been hit or even yelled at. Two parents, intact family, zero substance abuse issues. Nurturing home, good communication, authoritative but not authoritarian parenting. Good peer group, lots of academic and enrichment opportunities. Good nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

I see myself in my kid all the time. I also see my parents. People in my family are generally very bright and academically adept -- I see that in her. She's also physically slight and not very athletic, also family traits. But I also see differences -- she is more confident in her self, not insecure. She accepts criticism more easily. She doesn't worry so much. She is emotionally steady and not prone to mood swings. She's easy to be around, well liked by classmates and teachers, intellectual curious, and funny. She's one of those great kids OP mentioned.

So it's like an experiment on nature versus nurture. She's only 10. Will she really escape the legacy of violence and abuse that I was born into? Are my choices and efforts enough to save her from that, or is it actually genetically coded. I believe, obviously, that in our case, the troubles are nurture, not nature. That several generations removed from whatever the original source of the violence and abuse was (poverty? war? oppression? I truly don't know), I can break a chain of generational violence through effort.

My experiment isn't over yet, but I do think it's nature AND nurture, and that the parenting choices you make are of central importance to the kind of kid you raise and how you send them out into the world. And a lot of what some might chalk up to genetics might be a different kind of legacy, one you actually have the power to change if you are so motivated.

I'd love to see you change autism.

PP here and this comment is really ironic because both my DD and I are on the spectrum. And no, you can't change autism -- I didn't say there aren't fixed genetic traits that people must find a way to live with. I said, genetics do matter. But I can tell you that my child is having a really different childhood experience with ASD than I did, because where I was constantly punished and ridiculed by my own family for my neurodivergence and provided with no treatment whatsoever (and treated always like my ND behavior was willful misbehavior on my part instead of just the way my brain works), my DD is loved and embraced by her parents and provided with therapy and other supports, and has been taught to love herself and not to apologize for the ways in which her brain doesn't work the way other brains do. So it's always nature and nurture.

The fact that you're able to write in complete sentences tells me your experience with ASD is nothing like mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If so...how much is family culture, nature vs nurture, community, luck, SES?

All of this stuff matters a lot more when you have kids with challenges.

Intelligent, attractive, hardworking kids who make friends easily do well in a lot of environments.

Kids who struggle really benefit from a structured environment, authoritative and flexible parenting, parents who can afford therapy, a school with a good special education program and extra curricular activities, etc.

This is a really good take. I have kids who have LD/ADHD and social challenges. It sucks. Meanwhile our community is full of parents whose kids won the genetic lottery and they are very self congratulatory. We do the same enrichment, organic diet, good schools, support, play dates, blah blah as all the other parents, but nature can't trump nurture in our case. My kids are good kids, polite, respectfully, funny. So they are "great kids" but probably not how OP meant that term.

Yeah. I often think that my child who struggles would be really screwed if he didn’t have all of the resources he has at home and parents who help him and advocate for him at school.

My kids who are self-motivated would probably be fine anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, quite the opposite. Having kids was the greatest mistake of our lives.

I don’t think you are alone.

The Christian right touts having kids as a blesssing always. Give. They are the crowd that most child abuse occurs , non feeding of kids occurs and pro child death crowd clearly their so called magic formula doesn’t work.

[Anonymous]

There is no formula that works for all children.

You can try your hardest and shit happens life happens.

No one is a perfect parent

If you bring at child into this world at this moment in time you are a shitty human. Especially in the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think genetics plays a major role but I don't believe it's everything. I also think there are things people attribute to genetics that are something else, something that is still passed down from parents but is not DNA coded.

I come from a troubled family with violence and substance abuse. That's a legacy that was definitely handed down to me from both sides of my family, and that appears to go back at least several generations, to when both sides of my family immigrated to the US. The impact on me of those generations of poor parenting, domestic violence, and alchohol abuse is quite apparent. I'll probably never be completely free of it even though I've worked hard on my own and in therapy to process nd deal with it.

However, my own kid has not experienced any abuse. Never been hit or even yelled at. Two parents, intact family, zero substance abuse issues. Nurturing home, good communication, authoritative but not authoritarian parenting. Good peer group, lots of academic and enrichment opportunities. Good nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

I see myself in my kid all the time. I also see my parents. People in my family are generally very bright and academically adept -- I see that in her. She's also physically slight and not very athletic, also family traits. But I also see differences -- she is more confident in her self, not insecure. She accepts criticism more easily. She doesn't worry so much. She is emotionally steady and not prone to mood swings. She's easy to be around, well liked by classmates and teachers, intellectual curious, and funny. She's one of those great kids OP mentioned.

So it's like an experiment on nature versus nurture. She's only 10. Will she really escape the legacy of violence and abuse that I was born into? Are my choices and efforts enough to save her from that, or is it actually genetically coded. I believe, obviously, that in our case, the troubles are nurture, not nature. That several generations removed from whatever the original source of the violence and abuse was (poverty? war? oppression? I truly don't know), I can break a chain of generational violence through effort.

My experiment isn't over yet, but I do think it's nature AND nurture, and that the parenting choices you make are of central importance to the kind of kid you raise and how you send them out into the world. And a lot of what some might chalk up to genetics might be a different kind of legacy, one you actually have the power to change if you are so motivated.

I'd love to see you change autism.

PP here and this comment is really ironic because both my DD and I are on the spectrum. And no, you can't change autism -- I didn't say there aren't fixed genetic traits that people must find a way to live with. I said, genetics do matter. But I can tell you that my child is having a really different childhood experience with ASD than I did, because where I was constantly punished and ridiculed by my own family for my neurodivergence and provided with no treatment whatsoever (and treated always like my ND behavior was willful misbehavior on my part instead of just the way my brain works), my DD is loved and embraced by her parents and provided with therapy and other supports, and has been taught to love herself and not to apologize for the ways in which her brain doesn't work the way other brains do. So it's always nature and nurture.

The fact that you're able to write in complete sentences tells me your experience with ASD is nothing like mine.

I know many people with ASD and they can all write in complete sentences. It sounds like your situation is a more extreme case, and for that you have my sympathy, but many autistic people live good, productive lives.

[Anonymous]

Yes we are very lucky and I do not take that lightly nor do I think we were perfect parents.


We moved to MD on purpose when our oldest was in second grade from a crappy public school system in NC . I realize not everyone can do this.

Best decision we ever made.


Things we did well learning education is important above all else. Not just book learning experiences with your children from volunteering to traveling , reading every thing and any thing, libraries are amazing places so are book stores. Listening to your kids . Phones are not diaries social media is not a diary they are tools but as a parent I owned them my children did not. Respect for all humans you don’t have to like everyone but you treat them like you like to be treated. You have great teachers and shitty teachers great bosses and terrible ones. Children must learn how to do things themselves. They can do laundry and cook and clean their own messes put gas in a car have part time jobs. We never gave our kids chores or paid them for doing them. We taught them to help as a family and it was rare they complained.

I also realize money helps tremendously.

Keep your kids out of church it’s just a scam. Teach them about comparative religions so they understand the world view. Traditions are what you make of them. We had our own family time mine are all grown now and do those traditions with their families.

We weee very lucky to not have mental illness or learning disabilities etc and I recognize how extremely fortunate we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Culture. That and family values.

15 and 17; both high achievers and hardworking. D followed by S.

We chose a more modest home in the best school district we could afford and we don’t drive luxury vehicles; preferring to put the $$ saved into college funds. We also pay 100% for our vehicles (no loans). Will have house payed off b/f kids finish college.

It is really all about values.

No it’s not great parents can have a kid go sideways.

Shame on you

Gently, I don’t think PP was claiming the inverse of what they said— they’re not saying that if your kids don’t turn out perfectly, that you have bad values. They’re sharing what they think made a difference for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think genetics plays a major role but I don't believe it's everything. I also think there are things people attribute to genetics that are something else, something that is still passed down from parents but is not DNA coded.

I come from a troubled family with violence and substance abuse. That's a legacy that was definitely handed down to me from both sides of my family, and that appears to go back at least several generations, to when both sides of my family immigrated to the US. The impact on me of those generations of poor parenting, domestic violence, and alchohol abuse is quite apparent. I'll probably never be completely free of it even though I've worked hard on my own and in therapy to process nd deal with it.

However, my own kid has not experienced any abuse. Never been hit or even yelled at. Two parents, intact family, zero substance abuse issues. Nurturing home, good communication, authoritative but not authoritarian parenting. Good peer group, lots of academic and enrichment opportunities. Good nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

I see myself in my kid all the time. I also see my parents. People in my family are generally very bright and academically adept -- I see that in her. She's also physically slight and not very athletic, also family traits. But I also see differences -- she is more confident in her self, not insecure. She accepts criticism more easily. She doesn't worry so much. She is emotionally steady and not prone to mood swings. She's easy to be around, well liked by classmates and teachers, intellectual curious, and funny. She's one of those great kids OP mentioned.

So it's like an experiment on nature versus nurture. She's only 10. Will she really escape the legacy of violence and abuse that I was born into? Are my choices and efforts enough to save her from that, or is it actually genetically coded. I believe, obviously, that in our case, the troubles are nurture, not nature. That several generations removed from whatever the original source of the violence and abuse was (poverty? war? oppression? I truly don't know), I can break a chain of generational violence through effort.

My experiment isn't over yet, but I do think it's nature AND nurture, and that the parenting choices you make are of central importance to the kind of kid you raise and how you send them out into the world. And a lot of what some might chalk up to genetics might be a different kind of legacy, one you actually have the power to change if you are so motivated.

I'd love to see you change autism.

PP here and this comment is really ironic because both my DD and I are on the spectrum. And no, you can't change autism -- I didn't say there aren't fixed genetic traits that people must find a way to live with. I said, genetics do matter. But I can tell you that my child is having a really different childhood experience with ASD than I did, because where I was constantly punished and ridiculed by my own family for my neurodivergence and provided with no treatment whatsoever (and treated always like my ND behavior was willful misbehavior on my part instead of just the way my brain works), my DD is loved and embraced by her parents and provided with therapy and other supports, and has been taught to love herself and not to apologize for the ways in which her brain doesn't work the way other brains do. So it's always nature and nurture.

The fact that you're able to write in complete sentences tells me your experience with ASD is nothing like mine.

I know many people with ASD and they can all write in complete sentences. It sounds like your situation is a more extreme case, and for that you have my sympathy, but many autistic people live good, productive lives.

“many autistic people live, good productive lives”. I urge you to understand that 1. many people who talk about their Autism don’t actually have it. 2. You should spend some time in schools that have dedicated Autism classes and see if you come out with the same conclusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think genetics plays a major role but I don't believe it's everything. I also think there are things people attribute to genetics that are something else, something that is still passed down from parents but is not DNA coded.

I come from a troubled family with violence and substance abuse. That's a legacy that was definitely handed down to me from both sides of my family, and that appears to go back at least several generations, to when both sides of my family immigrated to the US. The impact on me of those generations of poor parenting, domestic violence, and alchohol abuse is quite apparent. I'll probably never be completely free of it even though I've worked hard on my own and in therapy to process nd deal with it.

However, my own kid has not experienced any abuse. Never been hit or even yelled at. Two parents, intact family, zero substance abuse issues. Nurturing home, good communication, authoritative but not authoritarian parenting. Good peer group, lots of academic and enrichment opportunities. Good nutrition and healthy lifestyle.

I see myself in my kid all the time. I also see my parents. People in my family are generally very bright and academically adept -- I see that in her. She's also physically slight and not very athletic, also family traits. But I also see differences -- she is more confident in her self, not insecure. She accepts criticism more easily. She doesn't worry so much. She is emotionally steady and not prone to mood swings. She's easy to be around, well liked by classmates and teachers, intellectual curious, and funny. She's one of those great kids OP mentioned.

So it's like an experiment on nature versus nurture. She's only 10. Will she really escape the legacy of violence and abuse that I was born into? Are my choices and efforts enough to save her from that, or is it actually genetically coded. I believe, obviously, that in our case, the troubles are nurture, not nature. That several generations removed from whatever the original source of the violence and abuse was (poverty? war? oppression? I truly don't know), I can break a chain of generational violence through effort.

My experiment isn't over yet, but I do think it's nature AND nurture, and that the parenting choices you make are of central importance to the kind of kid you raise and how you send them out into the world. And a lot of what some might chalk up to genetics might be a different kind of legacy, one you actually have the power to change if you are so motivated.

I'd love to see you change autism.

PP here and this comment is really ironic because both my DD and I are on the spectrum. And no, you can't change autism -- I didn't say there aren't fixed genetic traits that people must find a way to live with. I said, genetics do matter. But I can tell you that my child is having a really different childhood experience with ASD than I did, because where I was constantly punished and ridiculed by my own family for my neurodivergence and provided with no treatment whatsoever (and treated always like my ND behavior was willful misbehavior on my part instead of just the way my brain works), my DD is loved and embraced by her parents and provided with therapy and other supports, and has been taught to love herself and not to apologize for the ways in which her brain doesn't work the way other brains do. So it's always nature and nurture.

The fact that you're able to write in complete sentences tells me your experience with ASD is nothing like mine.

I know many people with ASD and they can all write in complete sentences. It sounds like your situation is a more extreme case, and for that you have my sympathy, but many autistic people live good, productive lives.

“many autistic people live, good productive lives”. I urge you to understand that 1. many people who talk about their Autism don’t actually have it. 2. You should spend some time in schools that have dedicated Autism classes and see if you come out with the same conclusion.

Lots of people have autism. And lots of people have a level of autism that prevents them from living good, productive lives. Many others have a level that does allow that.

Don't have kids with a person with ASD unless you're prepared to deal with the former. But really, that wouldn't be fair for the kids, either.

It's ok for people with autism to be parents. But they should adopt. The genetic risks are too great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people with more than one child know how little child rearing has to do with the child's personality. We often joke that if we'd only had our easy child, we would have been insufferably smug. All our kids are good kids, but only one is super organized, responsible, and social.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people with more than one child know how little child rearing has to do with the child's personality. We often joke that if we'd only had our easy child, we would have been insufferably smug. All our kids are good kids, but only one is super organized, responsible, and social.

I agree!
There is also the flip side that if we only had our most difficult child, we would think there was something wrong with us as parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people with more than one child know how little child rearing has to do with the child's personality. We often joke that if we'd only had our easy child, we would have been insufferably smug. All our kids are good kids, but only one is super organized, responsible, and social.

Most people with only one child realize this as well.