Which friend would you prioritize?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally feel that you are obligated to the first person that you made a plan with which would be the first friend.

However since you found out later on about this other friend’s birthday getaway no one would blame you if you didn’t want to miss out on that trip either.

If I were your first friend I would totally understand and just book a hotel room.

If your friend gets angry at this then you may want to ask yourself if this person has your best interests at heart.

Good luck!

Yeah. No. It’s super self serving. And if my friend was offering to let us stay for the night then uninvited us it would sting. That’s a normal reaction. It’s not grudge worthy but it definitely sends a message that you are d list at best in their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand your dilemma. College friend was part of your life but not anymore. Mom friends are your social network now. College friend isn't specially coming to visit you and can stay at a hotel. It seems trip would be fun and you don't want FOMO or feel like an outsider in the group. With hosting you'll mostly cleaning, cooking and gossiping about old classmates you've not seen in years and unlikely to see often. If you do a comparison, trip makes more sense. However, you did say to your college friend so its rude and wrong to cancel without a valid reason. In the end, its about ethics. If you value that, stay. If you are about practicality, apologize and go.

This is how I feel. I am the kind of person who responds very quickly to invitations and does not back out of commitments. BUT, I can think of people I was friends with in college but don't see much now that I'd be willing to host but wouldn't otherwise prioritize and I also have friends I've made in the last 10 years who I see all the time that I'd love to spend a weekend away with.

I do agree that it's wrong to cancel the plans with the college friend, but maybe do ask about the timing, etc. What if they were looking to have dinner with someone else and then crash at your house at 10 pm then leave early the next morning? In that case you're giving up an entire weekend away to be an Air BnB host...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About a month ago, a good friend from college asked me if she and her family could come stay with us for one Friday night in a couple weeks to break up their drive to a wedding the next day. Of course I said yes since I am excited to see her and catch up.

At the same time, one of my current closest mom friends has been trying to plan a 40th birthday trip and of course, literally the only weekend that works for the majority of the group is the same weekend my college friend is supposed to be visiting.

I am strongly considering cancelling on my college friend to go on this trip since all of my close friends will be there and it seems a bit crazy to prioritize a friend who needs a place to crash driving over a big celebration, but is this horrible? And what do I say to my college friend? She can be sensitive and if I tell her I am going on a trip with other friends I know it will hurt her.

This is the best I got, but I'm not sure you can pull it off. I might float something like this depending on how close and honest I can be with my friends. FWIW, if one of my friends was in this dilemma I would 100 percent want them to tell me bc crashing at someone's house out of convenience is < an amazing wknd with mom friends. (As a mom myself.)

Hi College Friend-
I'm so looking forward to our catchup! I wanted to check in on specifics of your plans. Do you think you'll arrive in time for us to go out to dinner? So I can plan for the morning/breakfast ideas, what time are you aiming to get on the road?

I also wanted to check if there's any possibility that you all could stay with us on your drive back on Sunday--especially if we might get to spend more time together? For full disclosure, I was planning a trip with a group of friends and didn't realize this weekend was one of the options--that's what they decided to book. You are still my priority but I thought I would check in to see if it's possible for me to make it to both.

If that's not doable no sweat; I know how tricky it is to coordinate travel with kids, and I will look forward to hosting you all on Friday.

Actually, better to just ditch college friend then put them in this uncomfortable spot.

+1 If I’m the college friend I’d rather you just cancel on me (and own that choice) rather than send me an email all but begging me to cancel on you first so you don’t have to be the bad guy. That’s so weasel-y.

If I were the college friend I think I'd want to know the situation so I could plan accordingly and not be an inconvenience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can only answer this question yourself based on your friendships.

I can call my long distance best college friend up and tell her straight and that I’m torn. If we are gonna have quality time I’m sticking with her. But if it’s just a rest stop then what does she think?

We are close enough friends and honest enough she would tell me and I’d make her the priority if she asks for it. But what are her expectations of the visit?

Sheesh people. Communication.

This. I find it odd that many of you don't seem to have actual conversations with your friends.

My kids had a sporting event in my best friend's hometown (about 5 hours from us). I told her we were coming and we discussed us staying at her house. She explained that they had some things that weekend and we decided it made sense for us to stay there but we just wouldn't get to see each other much. Another time we had the same thing and we ended up in a hotel about a week before because they got invited to something and wanted to go so we just decided to go our separate ways that weekend. No one was hurt over it, we used our words like adults and it was fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally feel that you are obligated to the first person that you made a plan with which would be the first friend.

However since you found out later on about this other friend’s birthday getaway no one would blame you if you didn’t want to miss out on that trip either.

If I were your first friend I would totally understand and just book a hotel room.

If your friend gets angry at this then you may want to ask yourself if this person has your best interests at heart.

Good luck!

Yeah. No. It’s super self serving. And if my friend was offering to let us stay for the night then uninvited us it would sting. That’s a normal reaction. It’s not grudge worthy but it definitely sends a message that you are d list at best in their life.

Meh, I'd understand. It's not like the college friend is coming to see OP, they're on the way elsewhere and wanted free lodging.

I'm not one to back out of plans I'd made but I also understand that life is nuanced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally feel that you are obligated to the first person that you made a plan with which would be the first friend.

However since you found out later on about this other friend’s birthday getaway no one would blame you if you didn’t want to miss out on that trip either.

If I were your first friend I would totally understand and just book a hotel room.

If your friend gets angry at this then you may want to ask yourself if this person has your best interests at heart.

Good luck!

Yeah. No. It’s super self serving. And if my friend was offering to let us stay for the night then uninvited us it would sting. That’s a normal reaction. It’s not grudge worthy but it definitely sends a message that you are d list at best in their life.

Meh, I'd understand. It's not like the college friend is coming to see OP, they're on the way elsewhere and wanted free lodging.

I'm not one to back out of plans I'd made but I also understand that life is nuanced.

I think the most important thing is to understand how close it is to when they’re supposed to arrive. With it’s two or three weeks that seems a little problematic if it’s a month or more it’s more reasonable.