14 year age gap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are 13 years apart. We have been together, and very happy, for over 20 years. Our age difference has never been an issue aside from my occasional annoyance with boomer nonsense the past few years. But that is a cultural difference -- a generation one -- not an age one. They aren't exactly the same thing.

We are both very attractive and met at work as we are both lawyers -- if that is "equal footing" for you, whatever that means.

She has a large trust fund (and good start to her career) while he is a successful attorney. I mentioned the equal footing because I think some people assume a younger woman is after money and that is not the dynamic here

Maybe since she has a large trust fund and a promising career, she's afraid to date men her age because she worries they like her for money rather than for the right reasons. To her, a 38 year old law partner has enough of his own money and career success that she believes he likes her for reasons other than money.

OP - I think this is one of the main reasons she has been gravitating towards successful men in their 30s. We have taught her not to be transparent about money but based on her lifestyle (living situation, car, etc) it can only be hidden for a few dates. Men in their 20s have said some ridiculous things to her about it and she complains that they are visibly impressed

She may have to settle for an older man if she likes to flex her wealth. If she had a more modest lifestyle things may be easier for her dating-wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our diff is 13 years and I definitely have felt it.

There will be a day you’re still young and want to do things and he has to nap after he comes from work, goes to bed at 9:00pm and forgets everything.

Also, I’ve had times when people thought he was my dad and I’m embarrassed to share family pictures with coworkers because they will think I’m old too.

DH and I are 13 years apart and this has happened to us too. Only once. At a Peet's when buying coffee. We both thought it was hilarious. If it happened more often than that, maybe it wouldn't be so funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How insane would it be for a 24 year old woman & 38 year old man to be in relationship? What about with an equal playing field in terms of looks and finances?

My best friend and her husband have this exact age gap. He was her boss at the time so she had to find another job but they’ve been happily married for 25 years.

That's disgusting, what a predator.

Jealous ^^ and probably terrified of younger women...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are 13 years apart. We have been together, and very happy, for over 20 years. Our age difference has never been an issue aside from my occasional annoyance with boomer nonsense the past few years. But that is a cultural difference -- a generation one -- not an age one. They aren't exactly the same thing.

We are both very attractive and met at work as we are both lawyers -- if that is "equal footing" for you, whatever that means.

She has a large trust fund (and good start to her career) while he is a successful attorney. I mentioned the equal footing because I think some people assume a younger woman is after money and that is not the dynamic here

Maybe since she has a large trust fund and a promising career, she's afraid to date men her age because she worries they like her for money rather than for the right reasons. To her, a 38 year old law partner has enough of his own money and career success that she believes he likes her for reasons other than money.

The question is why the dude is dating a 24 yo while he can date early 30s successful women. I think the relationship might work but OPs daughter needs to look out for some red flags. And she’s still too young to be concerned about not finding a good fit among younger men

I don’t think it’s much of a mystery why a man would be interested in a younger & wealthier partner

Exactly - this is what I'm saying. He's shopping for women like in the meat market: younger, wealthier. I bet he met plenty of decent women before, but he's still shopping for some characteristics that he thinks he "deserves". Men like that never stop shopping, that's my personal experience. Women change with age: there is no guarantee he won't decide to "upgrade" OP's daughter to her 25 years younger version when she's in her 40s. I"ve seen this happen several times. Men like that are narcissists, very focused on their external appearances.

Does he love OP's daughter for who she is?

It's hard for a young, pretty, wealthy woman to weed through men and find someone who loves her for who she is, not for her money, looks or youth. This is going to be a risk with other men, too. Hopefully, OP can play a role in helping her daughter discern.

OP's daughter can live in a rental apartment and drive a modest car. Dont brag about her job, trust or properties. That would help to weed out men who are transactional. And under "transactional" I mean looking for some superbly specific age/looks characteristics based on the approach of "what he deserves"

Though it doesn’t sound like she does. Seems like she is blowing through the trust fund and living a bougie life. The 38 yr old is probably with her for the money too. It sounds like he does fine, but isn’t a high earner

She has low expenses and saves most of her income. Has not touched the trust. Hesitant to reveal identifying details but we own her place (a 24 y/o def could not afford it) and gifted her a new car (nice but nothing crazy) for graduation in 2022.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dont waste your youth on some old loser.

OP here. Posted because of my daughter’s new relationship. There is a voice in my head agreeing with this sentiment

How do you consider them equal? Is she ugly and rich?

DD is pretty but tells me that she feels average looking compared to other 20 somethings in DC. He is a handsome 38. As I mentioned a few comments back, she has a large trust fund and he has a good career.

Interesting. Because Washington, DC is -- forgive me y'all, but you know this is true -- a relatively ugly, frumpy town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a sense of “why” he was single at 38? Divorce or kids?

Never married, no children, has had serious girlfriends

I met my DH when he was 36 (I was 30). We got married when he was 39. Never married, no kids, but has had ltr live in gf. Just because a man hasn't been married by 38 doesn't mean there's something wrong with him. He never thought marriage was important, until we got together, and I told him that it was important to me. His previous gf didn't care about getting married,either.

We've been married for 20+ years.

As to the age difference... I have always been more attracted to older more mature men, but now that we are in our 50s/60, I'm finding the age difference much more noticeable. He is still healthy and has always looked young, but age catches up to us all in terms of looks and physicality. He is now retired; I'm still working. IMO, that difference is going to be the big sticking point as you age.

Also, what about children? Even if she has a kid at 28, he will be what.. 42? She will be a young mom, and he will be an old dad, like DH is. We have a 16 and 19 yr old, and he's 60. While that isn't an issue for us since I'm 54, that might be an issue for the wife when she's still a pretty young 46 yr old, and her DH is 60.

I don't think most young women can fathom what this will look like in 20 years.

Same

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are 13 years apart. We have been together, and very happy, for over 20 years. Our age difference has never been an issue aside from my occasional annoyance with boomer nonsense the past few years. But that is a cultural difference -- a generation one -- not an age one. They aren't exactly the same thing.

We are both very attractive and met at work as we are both lawyers -- if that is "equal footing" for you, whatever that means.

She has a large trust fund (and good start to her career) while he is a successful attorney. I mentioned the equal footing because I think some people assume a younger woman is after money and that is not the dynamic here

Maybe since she has a large trust fund and a promising career, she's afraid to date men her age because she worries they like her for money rather than for the right reasons. To her, a 38 year old law partner has enough of his own money and career success that she believes he likes her for reasons other than money.

OP - I think this is one of the main reasons she has been gravitating towards successful men in their 30s. We have taught her not to be transparent about money but based on her lifestyle (living situation, car, etc) it can only be hidden for a few dates. Men in their 20s have said some ridiculous things to her about it and she complains that they are visibly impressed

She may have to settle for an older man if she likes to flex her wealth. If she had a more modest lifestyle things may be easier for her dating-wise.

She knows to be modest. DH and I did not realize the position we put her in by setting her up after college. We figured that there is a lot of wealth in DC (raised kids in DMV) and that she would not stand out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My exH was 11 years older. The age difference started to feel big when he turned 50. Performance issues which he began trying to resolve by sleeping around and screaming at family. We got divorced. He “upgraded” to a 20 yo younger woman. I do think that men who date much younger partners are not able to see their own flaws or connect well emotionally. It always mattered how I looked like for the external world, but the relationship was non-existent

Your daughter has time to wait, date and see: usually such traits pop up on year 3-4 of the relationship.

Oh, I think they do see them. And they are terrified that others will see them. That is why they date 20-somethings; the younger women aren't onto the problems as quickly as older women are. Or they certainly aren't on to it like the ex-wife was, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has a good career and no first family (no ex wife, no kids), and there isn’t some employee/boss dynamic going on, then I don’t think it’s terrible.

It will be much more challenging in 20 years.

We have a 10 year age difference. I ended up with the health issues. You never know the future.

Yours is the exception, not the rule. That is how statistics works.

Probably not. We've been married for 24 years.

Wait till he’s late 70s and you are mid 60s

I’m the PP who described my negative experience. Of course there are couples where it worked. But there is an extensive research that shows large age gaps relationships are less stable

I see from OPs post there is already a potential point of contempt: her daughter has a trust, her partner has to work AND he’s older. Money and sets from trusts are typically considered separate property. It could make transition to syncing their retirement easier, or to the opposite, complicate things. My exH retired at 56; I still work at 45 and we had very different preferences how to spend holidays, for example. All his friends were much older and I spent most of Christmases with very old executive retirees or his work colleagues (60-70 years olds). He would become combative when I suggested to alternate years. I feel like a lot of my young years were wasted on superficial people and things and people who were basic strangers and are no longer in my life post divorce. Despite my exH connections, he wouldn’t help with my own professional growth as he didn’t want me to be too absent from family duties

Not PP, but my DH and I are this far apart in age. Do you really think we younger spouses don't understand that there will be challenges that come with aging? What we understand that you don't is that it can absolutely be worth it. Very worth it. For a happy marriage and life for many years? Sounds like you have no context for that, given that you had a DH who would get "combative." Many of us are smart enough not to marry that -- age difference or not. Don't project your bad marriage onto others by blaming it on an age difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are 13 years apart. We have been together, and very happy, for over 20 years. Our age difference has never been an issue aside from my occasional annoyance with boomer nonsense the past few years. But that is a cultural difference -- a generation one -- not an age one. They aren't exactly the same thing.

We are both very attractive and met at work as we are both lawyers -- if that is "equal footing" for you, whatever that means.

She has a large trust fund (and good start to her career) while he is a successful attorney. I mentioned the equal footing because I think some people assume a younger woman is after money and that is not the dynamic here

Maybe since she has a large trust fund and a promising career, she's afraid to date men her age because she worries they like her for money rather than for the right reasons. To her, a 38 year old law partner has enough of his own money and career success that she believes he likes her for reasons other than money.

The question is why the dude is dating a 24 yo while he can date early 30s successful women. I think the relationship might work but OPs daughter needs to look out for some red flags. And she’s still too young to be concerned about not finding a good fit among younger men

Older men like this want someone who will eventually be a care taker.

No one at age 38 is thinking about a caretaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has a good career and no first family (no ex wife, no kids), and there isn’t some employee/boss dynamic going on, then I don’t think it’s terrible.

It will be much more challenging in 20 years.

We have a 10 year age difference. I ended up with the health issues. You never know the future.

Yours is the exception, not the rule. That is how statistics works.

Probably not. We've been married for 24 years.

Wait till he’s late 70s and you are mid 60s

I’m the PP who described my negative experience. Of course there are couples where it worked. But there is an extensive research that shows large age gaps relationships are less stable

I see from OPs post there is already a potential point of contempt: her daughter has a trust, her partner has to work AND he’s older. Money and sets from trusts are typically considered separate property. It could make transition to syncing their retirement easier, or to the opposite, complicate things. My exH retired at 56; I still work at 45 and we had very different preferences how to spend holidays, for example. All his friends were much older and I spent most of Christmases with very old executive retirees or his work colleagues (60-70 years olds). He would become combative when I suggested to alternate years. I feel like a lot of my young years were wasted on superficial people and things and people who were basic strangers and are no longer in my life post divorce. Despite my exH connections, he wouldn’t help with my own professional growth as he didn’t want me to be too absent from family duties

Not PP, but my DH and I are this far apart in age. Do you really think we younger spouses don't understand that there will be challenges that come with aging? What we understand that you don't is that it can absolutely be worth it. Very worth it. For a happy marriage and life for many years? Sounds like you have no context for that, given that you had a DH who would get "combative." Many of us are smart enough not to marry that -- age difference or not. Don't project your bad marriage onto others by blaming it on an age difference.

That is true, but it is still accurate to say that couples with 14ish-year age gaps often don't have many mutual friends. There is nothing necessarily wrong with that, though, as long as one person isn't forced to socialize with people they don't like. Be with your family for family stuff and your own friends for social things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has a good career and no first family (no ex wife, no kids), and there isn’t some employee/boss dynamic going on, then I don’t think it’s terrible.

It will be much more challenging in 20 years.

We have a 10 year age difference. I ended up with the health issues. You never know the future.

Yours is the exception, not the rule. That is how statistics works.

Probably not. We've been married for 24 years.

Wait till he’s late 70s and you are mid 60s

I’m the PP who described my negative experience. Of course there are couples where it worked. But there is an extensive research that shows large age gaps relationships are less stable

I see from OPs post there is already a potential point of contempt: her daughter has a trust, her partner has to work AND he’s older. Money and sets from trusts are typically considered separate property. It could make transition to syncing their retirement easier, or to the opposite, complicate things. My exH retired at 56; I still work at 45 and we had very different preferences how to spend holidays, for example. All his friends were much older and I spent most of Christmases with very old executive retirees or his work colleagues (60-70 years olds). He would become combative when I suggested to alternate years. I feel like a lot of my young years were wasted on superficial people and things and people who were basic strangers and are no longer in my life post divorce. Despite my exH connections, he wouldn’t help with my own professional growth as he didn’t want me to be too absent from family duties

Not PP, but my DH and I are this far apart in age. Do you really think we younger spouses don't understand that there will be challenges that come with aging? What we understand that you don't is that it can absolutely be worth it. Very worth it. For a happy marriage and life for many years? Sounds like you have no context for that, given that you had a DH who would get "combative." Many of us are smart enough not to marry that -- age difference or not. Don't project your bad marriage onto others by blaming it on an age difference.

That is true, but it is still accurate to say that couples with 14ish-year age gaps often don't have many mutual friends. There is nothing necessarily wrong with that, though, as long as one person isn't forced to socialize with people they don't like. Be with your family for family stuff and your own friends for social things.

That is with any relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has a good career and no first family (no ex wife, no kids), and there isn’t some employee/boss dynamic going on, then I don’t think it’s terrible.

It will be much more challenging in 20 years.

We have a 10 year age difference. I ended up with the health issues. You never know the future.

Yours is the exception, not the rule. That is how statistics works.

Probably not. We've been married for 24 years.

Wait till he’s late 70s and you are mid 60s

I’m the PP who described my negative experience. Of course there are couples where it worked. But there is an extensive research that shows large age gaps relationships are less stable

I see from OPs post there is already a potential point of contempt: her daughter has a trust, her partner has to work AND he’s older. Money and sets from trusts are typically considered separate property. It could make transition to syncing their retirement easier, or to the opposite, complicate things. My exH retired at 56; I still work at 45 and we had very different preferences how to spend holidays, for example. All his friends were much older and I spent most of Christmases with very old executive retirees or his work colleagues (60-70 years olds). He would become combative when I suggested to alternate years. I feel like a lot of my young years were wasted on superficial people and things and people who were basic strangers and are no longer in my life post divorce. Despite my exH connections, he wouldn’t help with my own professional growth as he didn’t want me to be too absent from family duties

Not PP, but my DH and I are this far apart in age. Do you really think we younger spouses don't understand that there will be challenges that come with aging? What we understand that you don't is that it can absolutely be worth it. Very worth it. For a happy marriage and life for many years? Sounds like you have no context for that, given that you had a DH who would get "combative." Many of us are smart enough not to marry that -- age difference or not. Don't project your bad marriage onto others by blaming it on an age difference.

That is true, but it is still accurate to say that couples with 14ish-year age gaps often don't have many mutual friends. There is nothing necessarily wrong with that, though, as long as one person isn't forced to socialize with people they don't like. Be with your family for family stuff and your own friends for social things.

That is with any relationship.

Not true.y neighbors are both in mid 30s. They have parties with couples their age I don’t see retirees there.

Nobody is marrying for the red flags. These things pop up later into relationship. Which is why OPs daughter doesn’t need to rush

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dont waste your youth on some old loser.

OP here. Posted because of my daughter’s new relationship. There is a voice in my head agreeing with this sentiment

How do you consider them equal? Is she ugly and rich?

DD is pretty but tells me that she feels average looking compared to other 20 somethings in DC. He is a handsome 38. As I mentioned a few comments back, she has a large trust fund and he has a good career.

Interesting. Because Washington, DC is -- forgive me y'all, but you know this is true -- a relatively ugly, frumpy town.

If you go to U St or Admo on a Friday night you will see lots of attractive 20 something girls. Don’t think this is true for that demographic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a sense of “why” he was single at 38? Divorce or kids?

Never married, no children, has had serious girlfriends

I met my DH when he was 36 (I was 30). We got married when he was 39. Never married, no kids, but has had ltr live in gf. Just because a man hasn't been married by 38 doesn't mean there's something wrong with him. He never thought marriage was important, until we got together, and I told him that it was important to me. His previous gf didn't care about getting married,either.

We've been married for 20+ years.

As to the age difference... I have always been more attracted to older more mature men, but now that we are in our 50s/60, I'm finding the age difference much more noticeable. He is still healthy and has always looked young, but age catches up to us all in terms of looks and physicality. He is now retired; I'm still working. IMO, that difference is going to be the big sticking point as you age.

Also, what about children? Even if she has a kid at 28, he will be what.. 42? She will be a young mom, and he will be an old dad, like DH is. We have a 16 and 19 yr old, and he's 60. While that isn't an issue for us since I'm 54, that might be an issue for the wife when she's still a pretty young 46 yr old, and her DH is 60.

I don't think most young women can fathom what this will look like in 20 years.

Same

You feel a 6 year age difference so noticeable?! I figure under 8 it's not that big a deal. My current partner is 5 years older than me. My parents are 10 apart and my mom aged her attitudes to match my dad's, and as an adult now I find their relationship weird. My XH is with someone 13 years younger, and am feeling some schadenfreude at this thread and thinking of her having to take care of his grumpy old butt.