Divorced People: What age were your kids when you divorced? Impact?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15 and 13.

It messed them up. They are ok now but it was a rough few years.

And ours wasn’t even that contentious a divorce.

Today they are young adults and have more perspective but it absolutely permanently affected their relationships with their parents in a negative way.

OP here. Thank you. They were both in high school. If you had to do over again what age would you divorce for less impact (if possible)?

I would have divorced again, yes.

I didn’t divorce earlier despite wanting to because I feared the courts would be biased against me as a father in terms of custody and I wasn’t willing to give up daily contact with my children.

As it happened when we divorced we had 50/50 on paper but both teens effectively lived with me and visited their mother sometimes. This was for a variety of reasons.

Parenting two teenage girls essentially alone (ex-wife tried to be the cool parent, leaving me the only disciplinarian willing to set boundaries) was no picnic. Now they’re both in college and I am an empty nester. It’s gratifying to see them grow and be independent and need me less, although neither is particularly thrilled that I moved a lady I connected with into the house (after two years of dating) and now plan to marry. This is what I mean by residual negative effects.

I never told them many details about why we divorced (she cheated), which was another wedge. One of them demanded to know and i couldn’t figure out a way to tell her without having it sound like i was disparaging her mother, so I refused to discuss it and told her to ask her mother instead. Her mother, evidently, blamed the divorce on me, saying I was emotionally unavailable and so on.

Fun times.

I wouldn’t have divorced over that. Men are so weak and fragile

You’re right. I should have just continued to endure financial and emotional abuse and tolerated her cheating.

My mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told my wife we were divorcing when my kids were finishing 6th and 3rd grades. We do the 2-2-5-5 thing, and the kids are thriving.

My ex dragged her feet on some things which has made reaching a settlement difficult. But that doesn’t affect the kids. When my ex tried to tell me that I needed to wait a while before introducing them to my girlfriend, I realized I had to assert my rights.

So I went ahead and had my girlfriend swing by when I had the kids, and then we had her over for a bbq. She bought my younger kid an XBox game and recorded TikTok videos with my older one. They love her.

My ex fumes, but who cares. She can’t demonize my girlfriend and I if we define ourselves first. We take the kids on trips my ex can’t afford, and treat them much more lavishly than her.

Ideally my ex will accept being friends with us for the good of the kids. I hope she can stop being petty about it. But if not, the kids recognize how much more successful we are, and how much more interesting than my ex. They know they are better off with us, and that the smart play is to ignore my ex’s tired emotions.

This is the reason i am not getting divorced.

To all who say kids are doing great. A relative divorced when kids were 4 and 6, they have done well in school, and seemingly adjusted over the years. But at 18 female had multiple psychiatric admissions due to self harm. She failed to launch, can't leave her mom's house overnight and in general seems emotionally fragile. The family is well resourced, so she attends some online university and will always have roof over her head. Her brother also had a complicated transition into the adulthood. Neither one ever got in trouble growing up, just really good laid back kids, social and all, accepting of parents' new partners, etc.

[Anonymous]

My twins were 7, and it seemed to be the perfect age. They understood why dad wasn't in the house anymore, and we have an amicable relationship, so they don't have to deal with animosity between us. They are 12 now and seem unaffected by the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

13 and 11

My 11 years old daughter has been greatly affected. She is 14 now and she still cries when she has to go to her mom. My son has been okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my wife we were divorcing when my kids were finishing 6th and 3rd grades. We do the 2-2-5-5 thing, and the kids are thriving.

My ex dragged her feet on some things which has made reaching a settlement difficult. But that doesn’t affect the kids. When my ex tried to tell me that I needed to wait a while before introducing them to my girlfriend, I realized I had to assert my rights.

So I went ahead and had my girlfriend swing by when I had the kids, and then we had her over for a bbq. She bought my younger kid an XBox game and recorded TikTok videos with my older one. They love her.

My ex fumes, but who cares. She can’t demonize my girlfriend and I if we define ourselves first. We take the kids on trips my ex can’t afford, and treat them much more lavishly than her.

Ideally my ex will accept being friends with us for the good of the kids. I hope she can stop being petty about it. But if not, the kids recognize how much more successful we are, and how much more interesting than my ex. They know they are better off with us, and that the smart play is to ignore my ex’s tired emotions.

This is the reason i am not getting divorced.

To all who say kids are doing great. A relative divorced when kids were 4 and 6, they have done well in school, and seemingly adjusted over the years. But at 18 female had multiple psychiatric admissions due to self harm. She failed to launch, can't leave her mom's house overnight and in general seems emotionally fragile. The family is well resourced, so she attends some online university and will always have roof over her head. Her brother also had a complicated transition into the adulthood. Neither one ever got in trouble growing up, just really good laid back kids, social and all, accepting of parents' new partners, etc.

I don't know this family so I will refrain from making judgments. It's very very very very important for fathers to be in their daughter's life it makes a huge difference. I had my daughter every other weekend and she was 13 when we divorced. But I used to talk to her on the phone every day. Even though I didn't see her often I made it clear to her that she could talk to me about anything and I wouldn't judge her. She graduated this past summer with a perfect GPA and is in med school now. Of course I don't know what goes deep inside her mind, but the fact that she has shared very personal.things with me I have hope that at least she is not in a very dark place.

[Anonymous]

When a woman files for divorce and is finally happy she will equate her happiness with that of the kids. If she is happy then the kids are happy. Women prioritize their happiness before everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my wife we were divorcing when my kids were finishing 6th and 3rd grades. We do the 2-2-5-5 thing, and the kids are thriving.

My ex dragged her feet on some things which has made reaching a settlement difficult. But that doesn’t affect the kids. When my ex tried to tell me that I needed to wait a while before introducing them to my girlfriend, I realized I had to assert my rights.

So I went ahead and had my girlfriend swing by when I had the kids, and then we had her over for a bbq. She bought my younger kid an XBox game and recorded TikTok videos with my older one. They love her.

My ex fumes, but who cares. She can’t demonize my girlfriend and I if we define ourselves first. We take the kids on trips my ex can’t afford, and treat them much more lavishly than her.

Ideally my ex will accept being friends with us for the good of the kids. I hope she can stop being petty about it. But if not, the kids recognize how much more successful we are, and how much more interesting than my ex. They know they are better off with us, and that the smart play is to ignore my ex’s tired emotions.

This is the reason i am not getting divorced.

To all who say kids are doing great. A relative divorced when kids were 4 and 6, they have done well in school, and seemingly adjusted over the years. But at 18 female had multiple psychiatric admissions due to self harm. She failed to launch, can't leave her mom's house overnight and in general seems emotionally fragile. The family is well resourced, so she attends some online university and will always have roof over her head. Her brother also had a complicated transition into the adulthood. Neither one ever got in trouble growing up, just really good laid back kids, social and all, accepting of parents' new partners, etc.

I don't know this family so I will refrain from making judgments. It's very very very very important for fathers to be in their daughter's life it makes a huge difference. I had my daughter every other weekend and she was 13 when we divorced. But I used to talk to her on the phone every day. Even though I didn't see her often I made it clear to her that she could talk to me about anything and I wouldn't judge her. She graduated this past summer with a perfect GPA and is in med school now. Of course I don't know what goes deep inside her mind, but the fact that she has shared very personal.things with me I have hope that at least she is not in a very dark place.

I'd wait to see how her personal life shakes out after medical school before patting yourself on the back. Female medical students have four outcomes. 1) They meet a great guy (usually another doctor) and get married. Success! 2) They meet a decent guy who is professionally compatible with a serious shortcoming (e.g., 5'3" or fat and bald) and get married. Moderate success. 3) They meet no one in medical school, work their butts off in residency and fellowship, emerge in their early 30s and scrape the bottom of the barrel for a man with a pulse. Not great. 4) They do everything in #3 but don't find a guy. Failure.

Don't think all four outcomes happen equally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my wife we were divorcing when my kids were finishing 6th and 3rd grades. We do the 2-2-5-5 thing, and the kids are thriving.

My ex dragged her feet on some things which has made reaching a settlement difficult. But that doesn’t affect the kids. When my ex tried to tell me that I needed to wait a while before introducing them to my girlfriend, I realized I had to assert my rights.

So I went ahead and had my girlfriend swing by when I had the kids, and then we had her over for a bbq. She bought my younger kid an XBox game and recorded TikTok videos with my older one. They love her.

My ex fumes, but who cares. She can’t demonize my girlfriend and I if we define ourselves first. We take the kids on trips my ex can’t afford, and treat them much more lavishly than her.

Ideally my ex will accept being friends with us for the good of the kids. I hope she can stop being petty about it. But if not, the kids recognize how much more successful we are, and how much more interesting than my ex. They know they are better off with us, and that the smart play is to ignore my ex’s tired emotions.

This is the reason i am not getting divorced.

To all who say kids are doing great. A relative divorced when kids were 4 and 6, they have done well in school, and seemingly adjusted over the years. But at 18 female had multiple psychiatric admissions due to self harm. She failed to launch, can't leave her mom's house overnight and in general seems emotionally fragile. The family is well resourced, so she attends some online university and will always have roof over her head. Her brother also had a complicated transition into the adulthood. Neither one ever got in trouble growing up, just really good laid back kids, social and all, accepting of parents' new partners, etc.

What is the comparison you are making? It’s not how is this child doing compared to the ideal scenario. It’s how is this child doing compared to living in a house with parents who wish they were divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my wife we were divorcing when my kids were finishing 6th and 3rd grades. We do the 2-2-5-5 thing, and the kids are thriving.

My ex dragged her feet on some things which has made reaching a settlement difficult. But that doesn’t affect the kids. When my ex tried to tell me that I needed to wait a while before introducing them to my girlfriend, I realized I had to assert my rights.

So I went ahead and had my girlfriend swing by when I had the kids, and then we had her over for a bbq. She bought my younger kid an XBox game and recorded TikTok videos with my older one. They love her.

My ex fumes, but who cares. She can’t demonize my girlfriend and I if we define ourselves first. We take the kids on trips my ex can’t afford, and treat them much more lavishly than her.

Ideally my ex will accept being friends with us for the good of the kids. I hope she can stop being petty about it. But if not, the kids recognize how much more successful we are, and how much more interesting than my ex. They know they are better off with us, and that the smart play is to ignore my ex’s tired emotions.

This is the reason i am not getting divorced.

To all who say kids are doing great. A relative divorced when kids were 4 and 6, they have done well in school, and seemingly adjusted over the years. But at 18 female had multiple psychiatric admissions due to self harm. She failed to launch, can't leave her mom's house overnight and in general seems emotionally fragile. The family is well resourced, so she attends some online university and will always have roof over her head. Her brother also had a complicated transition into the adulthood. Neither one ever got in trouble growing up, just really good laid back kids, social and all, accepting of parents' new partners, etc.

I don't know this family so I will refrain from making judgments. It's very very very very important for fathers to be in their daughter's life it makes a huge difference. I had my daughter every other weekend and she was 13 when we divorced. But I used to talk to her on the phone every day. Even though I didn't see her often I made it clear to her that she could talk to me about anything and I wouldn't judge her. She graduated this past summer with a perfect GPA and is in med school now. Of course I don't know what goes deep inside her mind, but the fact that she has shared very personal.things with me I have hope that at least she is not in a very dark place.

I'd wait to see how her personal life shakes out after medical school before patting yourself on the back. Female medical students have four outcomes. 1) They meet a great guy (usually another doctor) and get married. Success! 2) They meet a decent guy who is professionally compatible with a serious shortcoming (e.g., 5'3" or fat and bald) and get married. Moderate success. 3) They meet no one in medical school, work their butts off in residency and fellowship, emerge in their early 30s and scrape the bottom of the barrel for a man with a pulse. Not great. 4) They do everything in #3 but don't find a guy. Failure.

Don't think all four outcomes happen equally.

Poor girl. Going to med school and her life success still depends on whether she can snag a thin, tall guy with hair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a woman files for divorce and is finally happy she will equate her happiness with that of the kids. If she is happy then the kids are happy. Women prioritize their happiness before everyone.

Well not all of us. There are us betrayed wives picking up the pieces. But- the married woman my ex cheated with was like you described. She couldn’t care what happened with her teen sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my wife we were divorcing when my kids were finishing 6th and 3rd grades. We do the 2-2-5-5 thing, and the kids are thriving.

My ex dragged her feet on some things which has made reaching a settlement difficult. But that doesn’t affect the kids. When my ex tried to tell me that I needed to wait a while before introducing them to my girlfriend, I realized I had to assert my rights.

So I went ahead and had my girlfriend swing by when I had the kids, and then we had her over for a bbq. She bought my younger kid an XBox game and recorded TikTok videos with my older one. They love her.

My ex fumes, but who cares. She can’t demonize my girlfriend and I if we define ourselves first. We take the kids on trips my ex can’t afford, and treat them much more lavishly than her.

Ideally my ex will accept being friends with us for the good of the kids. I hope she can stop being petty about it. But if not, the kids recognize how much more successful we are, and how much more interesting than my ex. They know they are better off with us, and that the smart play is to ignore my ex’s tired emotions.

This is the reason i am not getting divorced.

To all who say kids are doing great. A relative divorced when kids were 4 and 6, they have done well in school, and seemingly adjusted over the years. But at 18 female had multiple psychiatric admissions due to self harm. She failed to launch, can't leave her mom's house overnight and in general seems emotionally fragile. The family is well resourced, so she attends some online university and will always have roof over her head. Her brother also had a complicated transition into the adulthood. Neither one ever got in trouble growing up, just really good laid back kids, social and all, accepting of parents' new partners, etc.

You can’t blame it on the divorce. Half of marriages end in divorce. Are half of people unable to launch?

Two of my closest friends are children of pretty bad divorces. One involved alcoholism and mental illness; the other involved hoarding and a very high level of deceit and dysfunction (think other children from other partners). Both of these people are extremely solid. Went to top universities, married great partners, and just all round competent, grounded, and wonderful people in their own life.

My parents didn’t divorced but should have. There was physical and emotional violence. All the kids were traumatized but we got through it and ended up doing well by social standards.

[Anonymous]

4 and 6. The kids are fine (23 and 25 now), and whatever issues they’ve had were due to the same things that led to divorce. In other words, they weren’t affected much by the divorce per se.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my wife we were divorcing when my kids were finishing 6th and 3rd grades. We do the 2-2-5-5 thing, and the kids are thriving.

My ex dragged her feet on some things which has made reaching a settlement difficult. But that doesn’t affect the kids. When my ex tried to tell me that I needed to wait a while before introducing them to my girlfriend, I realized I had to assert my rights.

So I went ahead and had my girlfriend swing by when I had the kids, and then we had her over for a bbq. She bought my younger kid an XBox game and recorded TikTok videos with my older one. They love her.

My ex fumes, but who cares. She can’t demonize my girlfriend and I if we define ourselves first. We take the kids on trips my ex can’t afford, and treat them much more lavishly than her.

Ideally my ex will accept being friends with us for the good of the kids. I hope she can stop being petty about it. But if not, the kids recognize how much more successful we are, and how much more interesting than my ex. They know they are better off with us, and that the smart play is to ignore my ex’s tired emotions.

This is the reason i am not getting divorced.

To all who say kids are doing great. A relative divorced when kids were 4 and 6, they have done well in school, and seemingly adjusted over the years. But at 18 female had multiple psychiatric admissions due to self harm. She failed to launch, can't leave her mom's house overnight and in general seems emotionally fragile. The family is well resourced, so she attends some online university and will always have roof over her head. Her brother also had a complicated transition into the adulthood. Neither one ever got in trouble growing up, just really good laid back kids, social and all, accepting of parents' new partners, etc.

Oh, sweetie, you think it’s only the divorced parents whose kids have psychiatric admissions out of nowhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my wife we were divorcing when my kids were finishing 6th and 3rd grades. We do the 2-2-5-5 thing, and the kids are thriving.

My ex dragged her feet on some things which has made reaching a settlement difficult. But that doesn’t affect the kids. When my ex tried to tell me that I needed to wait a while before introducing them to my girlfriend, I realized I had to assert my rights.

So I went ahead and had my girlfriend swing by when I had the kids, and then we had her over for a bbq. She bought my younger kid an XBox game and recorded TikTok videos with my older one. They love her.

My ex fumes, but who cares. She can’t demonize my girlfriend and I if we define ourselves first. We take the kids on trips my ex can’t afford, and treat them much more lavishly than her.

Ideally my ex will accept being friends with us for the good of the kids. I hope she can stop being petty about it. But if not, the kids recognize how much more successful we are, and how much more interesting than my ex. They know they are better off with us, and that the smart play is to ignore my ex’s tired emotions.

This is the reason i am not getting divorced.

To all who say kids are doing great. A relative divorced when kids were 4 and 6, they have done well in school, and seemingly adjusted over the years. But at 18 female had multiple psychiatric admissions due to self harm. She failed to launch, can't leave her mom's house overnight and in general seems emotionally fragile. The family is well resourced, so she attends some online university and will always have roof over her head. Her brother also had a complicated transition into the adulthood. Neither one ever got in trouble growing up, just really good laid back kids, social and all, accepting of parents' new partners, etc.

I don't know this family so I will refrain from making judgments. It's very very very very important for fathers to be in their daughter's life it makes a huge difference. I had my daughter every other weekend and she was 13 when we divorced. But I used to talk to her on the phone every day. Even though I didn't see her often I made it clear to her that she could talk to me about anything and I wouldn't judge her. She graduated this past summer with a perfect GPA and is in med school now. Of course I don't know what goes deep inside her mind, but the fact that she has shared very personal.things with me I have hope that at least she is not in a very dark place.

I'd wait to see how her personal life shakes out after medical school before patting yourself on the back. Female medical students have four outcomes. 1) They meet a great guy (usually another doctor) and get married. Success! 2) They meet a decent guy who is professionally compatible with a serious shortcoming (e.g., 5'3" or fat and bald) and get married. Moderate success. 3) They meet no one in medical school, work their butts off in residency and fellowship, emerge in their early 30s and scrape the bottom of the barrel for a man with a pulse. Not great. 4) They do everything in #3 but don't find a guy. Failure.

Don't think all four outcomes happen equally.

Yeah, I totally value your judgement and opinions regarding other people’s relationships.