Divorced People: What age were your kids when you divorced? Impact?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15 and 13.

It messed them up. They are ok now but it was a rough few years.

And ours wasn’t even that contentious a divorce.

Today they are young adults and have more perspective but it absolutely permanently affected their relationships with their parents in a negative way.

OP here. Thank you. They were both in high school. If you had to do over again what age would you divorce for less impact (if possible)?

I would have divorced again, yes.

I didn’t divorce earlier despite wanting to because I feared the courts would be biased against me as a father in terms of custody and I wasn’t willing to give up daily contact with my children.

As it happened when we divorced we had 50/50 on paper but both teens effectively lived with me and visited their mother sometimes. This was for a variety of reasons.

Parenting two teenage girls essentially alone (ex-wife tried to be the cool parent, leaving me the only disciplinarian willing to set boundaries) was no picnic. Now they’re both in college and I am an empty nester. It’s gratifying to see them grow and be independent and need me less, although neither is particularly thrilled that I moved a lady I connected with into the house (after two years of dating) and now plan to marry. This is what I mean by residual negative effects.

I never told them many details about why we divorced (she cheated), which was another wedge. One of them demanded to know and i couldn’t figure out a way to tell her without having it sound like i was disparaging her mother, so I refused to discuss it and told her to ask her mother instead. Her mother, evidently, blamed the divorce on me, saying I was emotionally unavailable and so on.

Fun times.

I'm sorry PP I had a similar situation. When I found the 2nd affair and told my ex I wanted a divorce, their immediate reaction was "how could you do that to the kids?!" Uh....

[Anonymous]

My kids were a tween and early teenager at the time. The older one seemed less affected. The younger one has had a harder time and will be dealing with it for more years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) This question is actually best for a wife swath of adult children of divorce, not divorced parents.
2) While there is no good age, some worthwhile notes in here about bad ages (ie freshman year of college)
3) It’s really and truly about how you navigate the post-divorce relationship with your former spouse, not the age of the kids. If one of you moves far away, trash talks the other parent, hops into a new relationship, shoves a “blended family” down the kids’ throat, can’t be civil at school and family events - the impact will be bad at any age.

The problem is #3 is a total crap shoot so you are gambling with your kids lives. I do judge people who get divorced absent abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15 and 13.

It messed them up. They are ok now but it was a rough few years.

And ours wasn’t even that contentious a divorce.

Today they are young adults and have more perspective but it absolutely permanently affected their relationships with their parents in a negative way.

OP here. Thank you. They were both in high school. If you had to do over again what age would you divorce for less impact (if possible)?

I would have divorced again, yes.

I didn’t divorce earlier despite wanting to because I feared the courts would be biased against me as a father in terms of custody and I wasn’t willing to give up daily contact with my children.

As it happened when we divorced we had 50/50 on paper but both teens effectively lived with me and visited their mother sometimes. This was for a variety of reasons.

Parenting two teenage girls essentially alone (ex-wife tried to be the cool parent, leaving me the only disciplinarian willing to set boundaries) was no picnic. Now they’re both in college and I am an empty nester. It’s gratifying to see them grow and be independent and need me less, although neither is particularly thrilled that I moved a lady I connected with into the house (after two years of dating) and now plan to marry. This is what I mean by residual negative effects.

I never told them many details about why we divorced (she cheated), which was another wedge. One of them demanded to know and i couldn’t figure out a way to tell her without having it sound like i was disparaging her mother, so I refused to discuss it and told her to ask her mother instead. Her mother, evidently, blamed the divorce on me, saying I was emotionally unavailable and so on.

Fun times.

I wouldn’t have divorced over that. Men are so weak and fragile

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not have personal experience with this in my family, but I can say that as a college professor I have seen how parental divorce affects my students ranging from 18 to grad school and it can be very sad and have huge impacts. I think it is largely true that it depends on the specific situation and specific kid but I also think it's a significant misconception to say "wait until they're out of the house and it's going to be easier." I actually think many kids would do better to have a year to acclimate before being blindsided that their home "wasn't real" and they can never come back.

I have a 20-year-old and can confirm that it is NOT easier with an older child. And in some ways it's worse. My stbx is acting as if our kid is a full blown adult, which they are not. And until our kid is done with college, at a minimum, there's still a lot to communicate about and that is NOT GOING WELL AT ALL. (My stbx filed for divorce and has basically gone AWOL - doesn't answer me, doesn't answer our kid's texts. It's really appalling.) My kid is coming home tomorrow for the first time since learning we are divorcing. It's going to be a rough few days. And much worse because ours is an only child so no siblings to turn to to say "Dad and Mom are being crazy." I'm trying not to be crazy, stbx is behaving like a teenager and our kid is stuck in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a silly question. If you have a dysfunctional marriage - whether there’s conflict, emotional harm, leading separate lives, whatever - the kids are going to be harmed. They are learning dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors, at least from one parent and usually both. Divorce can ameliorate a tense or difficult living situation, and possibly make a parent a better parent, both of which could be beneficial to the kids. These are the things that need to be considered when considering the best interest of the kids, not just their age.

+1

Do not live in a fake marriage and think you’re pulling off this big ruse. Kids know.

[Anonymous]

4 and 6 and it went soooo much better than I expected. I wish I would have done it years earlier instead of being miserable.

If you divorced with a 4 year old how many years earlier could you have actually wanted to do it?

[Anonymous]

Different perspective, but I am a child of divorced parents. My parents divorced the year after I graduated from college; my brother was still in college. I would say the optimal time is either when kids are too young to remember or after they graduate college/are out of the house, IF you and your spouse are able to live together cordially. Even as a 20something, living on my own, I was surprised how much the divorce affected me. I would not do that to a middle/high schooler or even a college student if possible. In hindsight, not seeing my mom working through her own anger/grief/etc was a gift. That said, my brother did not fare as well as me - he witnessed bad behavior from my dad as a high schooler and it has impacted their relationship ever since. So basically, if you are able to act as adults until your kids are gone, that’s ideal, but if there is abuse, adultery, etc, the calculation is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different perspective, but I am a child of divorced parents. My parents divorced the year after I graduated from college; my brother was still in college. I would say the optimal time is either when kids are too young to remember or after they graduate college/are out of the house, IF you and your spouse are able to live together cordially. Even as a 20something, living on my own, I was surprised how much the divorce affected me. I would not do that to a middle/high schooler or even a college student if possible. In hindsight, not seeing my mom working through her own anger/grief/etc was a gift. That said, my brother did not fare as well as me - he witnessed bad behavior from my dad as a high schooler and it has impacted their relationship ever since. So basically, if you are able to act as adults until your kids are gone, that’s ideal, but if there is abuse, adultery, etc, the calculation is different.

I agree that divorcing when kids leave for college or while they are there can be horrible. It’s such a transitional time and they are looking for that stability at home while everything else is different/change. It really had a bad effect on my freshmen college roommate when her parents announced they were divorcing that first year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different perspective, but I am a child of divorced parents. My parents divorced the year after I graduated from college; my brother was still in college. I would say the optimal time is either when kids are too young to remember or after they graduate college/are out of the house, IF you and your spouse are able to live together cordially. Even as a 20something, living on my own, I was surprised how much the divorce affected me. I would not do that to a middle/high schooler or even a college student if possible. In hindsight, not seeing my mom working through her own anger/grief/etc was a gift. That said, my brother did not fare as well as me - he witnessed bad behavior from my dad as a high schooler and it has impacted their relationship ever since. So basically, if you are able to act as adults until your kids are gone, that’s ideal, but if there is abuse, adultery, etc, the calculation is different.

So many people are missing this issue. The biggest issue with divorcing when kids are young is a childhood of joint custody. Couples who had an acrimonious marriage often have an acrimonious relationship after divorce and the kids are caught in the middle their *entire* childhoods. Often there are major disagreements over school, where to live, money, extracurricular, religion even. And it can spill into litigation which is stressful and expensive. Sure, divorce at college age is rough, but all of that other stuff goes away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2 and 4. Awful

OP here. Would you have waited? At 2 and 4 they don't fully understand it, just that mommy and daddy are not in the same house? When (if they did (recover)?

I divorced when my kids were 18 mos. and 5 y.o. Best decision ever to do it you g. The younger kid has no memory of living with Dad - in part because he's so young but in part because Dad never took any custody, so no overnights. It makes me a bit sad that younger one never had a live in Dad, but Dad was not a responsible person so, I have been happy to avoid the effects of living with Dad, which likely would have been substance abuse and mental illness.

Older one was definitely heartbroken at the split. Dad did come to visit and have dinner with them 3x a weekend and one weekend day to play, so I think once that pattern was stabilized it affected her less.

In my case, the Dad was a bad guy (no physical abuse though). So, there really wasn't a choice about staying longer until it would be "better" to divorce. It was important to get out quickly and establish a healthy household so that they could at least have 50% normal healthy life. I am glad I did it early so that by MS & HS, the kids were very stable.

[Anonymous]

I’m not divorced yet but plan on doing so when there will be no custody issues. One is in high school the other in middle. Both kids are aware and support the decision to divorce because of their dad. They are not close to him at all due to his constant criticism and anger issues. I am waiting because I think they will be worse off if they have to spend 50% time alone with him. I don’t know how it will affect them but I feel like they are already over the shock and as young adults, they will handle it better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2 and 4. Awful

OP here. Would you have waited? At 2 and 4 they don't fully understand it, just that mommy and daddy are not in the same house? When (if they did (recover)?

I divorced when my kids were 18 mos. and 5 y.o. Best decision ever to do it you g. The younger kid has no memory of living with Dad - in part because he's so young but in part because Dad never took any custody, so no overnights. It makes me a bit sad that younger one never had a live in Dad, but Dad was not a responsible person so, I have been happy to avoid the effects of living with Dad, which likely would have been substance abuse and mental illness.

Older one was definitely heartbroken at the split. Dad did come to visit and have dinner with them 3x a weekend and one weekend day to play, so I think once that pattern was stabilized it affected her less.

In my case, the Dad was a bad guy (no physical abuse though). So, there really wasn't a choice about staying longer until it would be "better" to divorce. It was important to get out quickly and establish a healthy household so that they could at least have 50% normal healthy life. I am glad I did it early so that by MS & HS, the kids were very stable.

You got lucky. Many men come back and want custody, especially when kids are older and easier. Custody battles ensue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different perspective, but I am a child of divorced parents. My parents divorced the year after I graduated from college; my brother was still in college. I would say the optimal time is either when kids are too young to remember or after they graduate college/are out of the house, IF you and your spouse are able to live together cordially. Even as a 20something, living on my own, I was surprised how much the divorce affected me. I would not do that to a middle/high schooler or even a college student if possible. In hindsight, not seeing my mom working through her own anger/grief/etc was a gift. That said, my brother did not fare as well as me - he witnessed bad behavior from my dad as a high schooler and it has impacted their relationship ever since. So basically, if you are able to act as adults until your kids are gone, that’s ideal, but if there is abuse, adultery, etc, the calculation is different.

I agree that divorcing when kids leave for college or while they are there can be horrible. It’s such a transitional time and they are looking for that stability at home while everything else is different/change. It really had a bad effect on my freshmen college roommate when her parents announced they were divorcing that first year.

+1

[Anonymous]

My good friend was in your situation- the marriage wasn’t acrimonious, but the didn’t have romantic feelings either. Her husband wanted divorce, she did not, but after a few years of counseling they divorced. He’d been interested in someone but, supposedly, didn’t date her until they were separated. He married her about two years later. My friend has

Despite that all seeming fast, her kids were 7 and 10 when she separated and probably 8 and 11 when she divorced and they seem to be doing really well 5 years later. She was telling me her son was asking some questions about her relationship with her ex and I asked if her son harbors - or ever harbored - fantasies of them getting back together. She said her son is pretty pragmatic and also really likes his stepmom, and she thinks he’s in a good place.

They do their best to be civil, but my friend definitely gets very frustrated by her ex and I think more so now that they have to manage children and finances as divorced people. (My friend and her husband live a few blocks from each other - it helps the kids for routine, but does mean they all run in the same social circles to some degree.)