Sick of spending every holiday with the in-laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem. I’ve never seen so many adults with children unable to stand up to their parents. Did his mother allow her mother in law to monopolize holidays? Then why are both of you allowing it?

DO NOT SEND him over with the kids. They deserve to be able to have down time during the holidays.

Why do you think he’s a wind up doll that is sent on a mission by OP and not somebody making his own choices? Maybe he actually likes holidays with his parents. I don’t see where OP said he actually didn’t. Just that she didn’t enjoy it. Some people consider sitting home alone at the holidays sad and depressing, especially when they grew up with big families who enjoyed the holidays. To some it hardly feels like Christmas sitting alone at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In-laws are local, my parents are dead. We’ve been spending the holidays with them since before kids, now with three kids it’s even more of a given since it’s hard to travel. Some of the bigger holidays are multi-day affairs, like Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Often these gatherings involve their friends who are obsessed with talking politics and work. It’s been many years of living close to them and feeling like I’m a prisoner to this arrangement.

It would be nice to have a holiday to ourselves - feel totally relaxed, have our own rituals, eat Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner IN MY PJs while letting the kids be silly instead of dressing up and having to manage them so they have good manners for their guests. They are not a warm and fun household so I’m never at ease when I’m there. But I know they would be upset, DH also doesn’t want to introduce conflict. Would you just keep going along with it until kids are old enough to travel as a family, or just do your own thing - not skip all holidays but either Thanksgiving or Christmas on our own - at the risk of upsetting them? How would you explain it (other than lying and saying someone is sick).

Talk to your DH and skip one holiday this year. Let them know that you won’t be attending X but so excited to see them at Y. We did it and it’s so much better. Traveling with kids during the holidays is a nightmare and we have two sides to go see. Personally I would pick Christmas.

My uncle and aunt did that but they invited the grandparents over for breakfast and watching present opening but after those hours (8-11 and as kids got older and slept in 9-11) the grandparents were sent on their way. Or tell them you’ll see them Christmas Eve but Christmas Day you are just doing with your family.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:They’re your in-laws and one way to look at it is you spend a few days a year in their less than totally comfy home and the vast majority with your nuclear family. Can’t you just go and make the best of it and encourage the relationship with your kids and their grandparents, the only ones they have?

Do a Black Friday turkey seconds dinner at home with just DH and kids, and a Boxing Day dinner with them also - make those your new traditions.

OP here. We see them weekly, not just for holidays. And we are expected to have dinner with them regularly (i do sit some of those out). That’s why it feels suffocating.

NP. No solution here but just want to say I’m in this situation too. 15 years now and half of those with kids. I am so DONE. It really is a husband problem at the root of it, but it’s hard not to be annoyed at mil as she totally plays it too and I know my husbands sense of fear of disappointment stems from her and that she will never utter a word that encourages us to be independent from her. I’ve never heard her say “I hope you guys have a great time on that vacation”. It’s always about how much she will miss kids and we have to tell her everything. I know that sounds small and subtle but when it is constant you see the patterns of how it’s always about her needs, never just actually all about the other person.

Anyway, I am trying to get us to travel. Either this year or next. I am just so so sick of every week, every holiday, every celebration like Mother’s Day or whatever is her house, about her and my DH cannot say no. I am pretty angry at him about it but I know it’s because it just makes me so sad.

OP here - yep, you get me. It's like her invisible tentacles are around us all the time. DH doesn't even enjoy spending time there but if we go ONE week without seeing her, he starts to stress because he knows she's upset. After I had my second kid I asked Mother's Day to be at our house, and it caused a huge kerfuffle. Had to fight DH to get him to inform MIL, and she definitely let it be known that she was "hurt" over it.

This is on you for tolerating this. Stand up to your baby of a husband. He sucks and you need to be stronger.

I seriously don't know what else I can do. I DO stand up for myself. I tell him very directly that I'm sick of spending every holiday with the in-laws. I tell him what I want (either Thanksgiving or Christmas totally on our own). We fight over this and I don't just let it go. But I don't think it's something I can change as long as we live this close to his parents. I cannot force him to become a different person and care less about what his mother thinks.

Then tell him to pick one and that’s what you are doing this year. My husband finally got the memo when he started to see how manipulative his parents were- he didn’t see it for years but finally it clicked. We were meant to go for Christmas this year but they just did something- sent out the information for the Christmas dinner info before we confirmed our dates and planes and he’s pissed because he old them we are leaving on X day and they moved the event up so we would come earlier.

Also you could tell him to go on his own and that you and the kids are having Christmas at your house this year.

What is happening is you tell your husband this you fight but he sees you go anyway. It’s like a toddler. My child does not get what he wants if he throws a fit. It’s 101. You tell your husband “no” he throws a fit then gets what he wants. You need to stick to it this year and not go for one holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In-laws are local, my parents are dead. We’ve been spending the holidays with them since before kids, now with three kids it’s even more of a given since it’s hard to travel. Some of the bigger holidays are multi-day affairs,... not skip all holidays but either Thanksgiving or Christmas on our own - at the risk of upsetting them? How would you explain it (other than lying and saying someone is sick).

Those inlaws are local so it's not the same as overnight trips or fly to locations. That means you have the option of 30 minutes to 1 hour drop ins per holiday. They have a party with lots of people? Go for the max 1 hour and leave. You are not trapped like a chld wih NO ability to drive or a vehicle.

At your house you really can't lift and carry them to a car seat so you can't control departure time.

[Anonymous]

You and your husband just need to start saying no. As your kids get older they will start complaining about these constant events at Grandmas. You don’t need to be at their house with your kids all dressed up listening to a bunch of boomers rant about politics. I would immediately reclaim Christmas Day and just go to their Christmas Eve party for one hour. Thanksgiving, fine, but you are not there all day and all evening. Let your husband deal with dressing up the kids.

[Anonymous]

I felt the way you do OP and now I'm divorced, but I'm okay with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing Christmas there. You will really regret never having holidays at your own home or on vacation with your kids. Don’t let your in laws monopolize your holidays and force your kids to fit into their adult parties.

This is definitely a cultural shift. I think that most people over many decades would equate holidays to spending time with their families (all of their family), not just a little nuclear family going on vacation for Christmas. Not that you can't do this, but acknowledge that many people, especially in the older generations, would find this selfish and not in keeping with the meaning of Christmas.

One of the biggest differences I've seen in this tradition, though, is that parents of adult children still seem to want to hoard hosting and to still be in charge of everything. We stopped caving to mom & MIL ages ago (who we love, but who also don't need to be calling all the shots), but they still really seem to struggle with not actively parenting/hosting despite us all being middle age or beyond. Small example - we started staying in hotels when visiting in-laws (game changer), and they still try to insist on driving us back & forth for visits to the house instead of "letting" us take ubers. (We take the ubers anyway, but it's a fuss every single time. Insane.)

They see their "shoulds" as universal. It was work to help him see this, but I'm grateful that my DH was able to recognize that we get to make our own shoulds, and we were both glad to be as compassionate as possible while knowing fully that people would be upset when we didn't do their shoulds.

So for people in the OP's shoes - if this is at all relevant, you have to pick who's going to make your decisions for you. I get it - it's a lot harder when you're not on the same page as your spouse. It also seems to be affecting the quality of what you'd like to be a very different experience for holidays and it's also something that you're trying to negotiate that he's just shutting down and that's not fair. Would it be worth it to do a few couples sessions to sort things out so they feel more fair? It would be nice for you not to dread the holidays!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would send your DH ahead with them and join as late as you think they will tolerate. Or same but you leave early.

But then OP is missing time with her children on the holiday. She shouldn't have to do that.

If your in-laws are inviting their friends to holiday gatherings, feel free to just not attend. Pick another date or a specific holiday where it's just family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay home if you want to. If husband wants to take the kids, he can. People can be upset about it if they want. I'm not seeing the problem.

Presumably the problem is that OP would like to spend the holidays with her husband and kids. Duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay home if you want to. If husband wants to take the kids, he can. People can be upset about it if they want. I'm not seeing the problem.

Presumably the problem is that OP would like to spend the holidays with her husband and kids. Duh.

But it sounds like her husband has his own opinion. If they were on the same page this wouldn’t be an issue. As usual this isn’t an in-law problem but a spousal one.

[Anonymous]

Wasn't this post written by everyone in America?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay home if you want to. If husband wants to take the kids, he can. People can be upset about it if they want. I'm not seeing the problem.

Presumably the problem is that OP would like to spend the holidays with her husband and kids. Duh.

It sounds like (or maybe OP is just projecting) the kids would like more chill time at home on holidays, in which case stay in your jammies on Christmas. Let the kids stay in theirs. If her husband wants to swing by his parents', fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay home if you want to. If husband wants to take the kids, he can. People can be upset about it if they want. I'm not seeing the problem.

Presumably the problem is that OP would like to spend the holidays with her husband and kids. Duh.

It sounds like (or maybe OP is just projecting) the kids would like more chill time at home on holidays, in which case stay in your jammies on Christmas. Let the kids stay in theirs. If her husband wants to swing by his parents', fine.

Op only talks about what she wants. She wants to be in pajamas and she doesn’t like going there. Not clear where the rest of the family stands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay home if you want to. If husband wants to take the kids, he can. People can be upset about it if they want. I'm not seeing the problem.

Presumably the problem is that OP would like to spend the holidays with her husband and kids. Duh.

It sounds like (or maybe OP is just projecting) the kids would like more chill time at home on holidays, in which case stay in your jammies on Christmas. Let the kids stay in theirs. If her husband wants to swing by his parents', fine.

Op only talks about what she wants. She wants to be in pajamas and she doesn’t like going there. Not clear where the rest of the family stands.

"eat Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner IN MY PJs while letting the kids be silly instead of dressing up and having to manage them so they have good manners for their guests."

It's reasonable to think the kids would prefer not to be in a situation where Mom has to ride herd on them. Although I would stop and let the spouse handle his kids at his parents'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay home if you want to. If husband wants to take the kids, he can. People can be upset about it if they want. I'm not seeing the problem.

Presumably the problem is that OP would like to spend the holidays with her husband and kids. Duh.

It sounds like (or maybe OP is just projecting) the kids would like more chill time at home on holidays, in which case stay in your jammies on Christmas. Let the kids stay in theirs. If her husband wants to swing by his parents', fine.

Op only talks about what she wants. She wants to be in pajamas and she doesn’t like going there. Not clear where the rest of the family stands.

"eat Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner IN MY PJs while letting the kids be silly instead of dressing up and having to manage them so they have good manners for their guests."

It's reasonable to think the kids would prefer not to be in a situation where Mom has to ride herd on them. Although I would stop and let the spouse handle his kids at his parents'

My kids prefer a holiday with lots of people and a party. Otherwise its like every other weekend. Sitting in pjs doing nothing? Nothing special about that.