Sick of spending every holiday with the in-laws

[Anonymous]

Stay home if you want to. If husband wants to take the kids, he can. People can be upset about it if they want. I'm not seeing the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the year your whole family comes down with COVID, whopping cough, norovirus?

Definitely noro.

Nobody likes vomit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay home if you want to. If husband wants to take the kids, he can. People can be upset about it if they want. I'm not seeing the problem.

The problem is OP sees the in-laws frequently and does not want to have a tense relationship with them.

OP, I'm in a similar position. I've learned that in law relations when you live close to each other is like a marathon. It lasts a long long time. Don't tire yourself out. Be ok with your in-laws being annoyed or upset at your family missing either Thanksgiving or Christmas. It's better than bottling up your resentment and letting the sense of obligation make you miserable year after year. If having one holiday to yourself will help you maintain peaceful relationships over the long term, it's better for everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ppl can get upset. But it doesn't mean you have to cater to their every wish to avoid upsetting them.

When my mom was terminally ill (and alone; she was a widow), we made plans to spend that Christmas with her, knowing full well it would be her last one. MIL was upset. And her being upset really affected DH, who wanted to please her and change our plan. I held firm, and it felt good not to give a fig about someone else's emotional blackmail. I will never forget that stupid fight we had over mil. I was ready to divorce DH and be done with his entire family if they did not stop guilting us about Christmas.

Know your boundary. Know what kind of holiday tradition you want to establish with your kids, and go about implementing them with grace and conviction.

They gave you a hard time about spending a Christmas with your terminally ill, alone mother? They sound like awful people. I am so sorry about your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ppl can get upset. But it doesn't mean you have to cater to their every wish to avoid upsetting them.

When my mom was terminally ill (and alone; she was a widow), we made plans to spend that Christmas with her, knowing full well it would be her last one. MIL was upset. And her being upset really affected DH, who wanted to please her and change our plan. I held firm, and it felt good not to give a fig about someone else's emotional blackmail. I will never forget that stupid fight we had over mil. I was ready to divorce DH and be done with his entire family if they did not stop guilting us about Christmas.

Know your boundary. Know what kind of holiday tradition you want to establish with your kids, and go about implementing them with grace and conviction.

They gave you a hard time about spending a Christmas with your terminally ill, alone mother? They sound like awful people. I am so sorry about your mother.

Agree. This is one of the sh$&ttiest things I’ve heard about on this forum.

[Anonymous]

I think you tell them you want to establish new traditions. You can split up Christmas Eve and Day. In our house, we see local family on Christmas Eve, we spend Christmas Day lounging by ourselves at home, and then we travel the day after for about a week. It’s wonderful. I refuse to wake up Christmas morning in someone else’s house and it’s my day to relax.

I just faced the same issue with our summer vacations. We had taken so many big trips with the in-laws and I felt so sad that we never had taken a summer trip by ourselves. We did it this year and it was amazing! We got guilt tripped and they were upset but they got over it and now understand not to expect it every year.

[Anonymous]

I think it it 100 percent fair that you pick a holiday that you stay home.

Are you at least home Christmas morning? I think if you say Christmas Eve is for relatives and Christmas Day is for your household.

You should not have to travel to enjoy your holidays.

[Anonymous]

They’re your in-laws and one way to look at it is you spend a few days a year in their less than totally comfy home and the vast majority with your nuclear family. Can’t you just go and make the best of it and encourage the relationship with your kids and their grandparents, the only ones they have?

Do a Black Friday turkey seconds dinner at home with just DH and kids, and a Boxing Day dinner with them also - make those your new traditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’re your in-laws and one way to look at it is you spend a few days a year in their less than totally comfy home and the vast majority with your nuclear family. Can’t you just go and make the best of it and encourage the relationship with your kids and their grandparents, the only ones they have?

Do a Black Friday turkey seconds dinner at home with just DH and kids, and a Boxing Day dinner with them also - make those your new traditions.

Why are the in-laws feelings and needs more important than her hers? The in-laws live nearby and can see the grandkids when ever they want. The OP is an adult and doesn’t have to apologize for how she chooses to spend her time and energy. She has given plenty of holidays to the in-laws. She is entitled to nuclear family time for special occasions too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re your in-laws and one way to look at it is you spend a few days a year in their less than totally comfy home and the vast majority with your nuclear family. Can’t you just go and make the best of it and encourage the relationship with your kids and their grandparents, the only ones they have?

Do a Black Friday turkey seconds dinner at home with just DH and kids, and a Boxing Day dinner with them also - make those your new traditions.

Why are the in-laws feelings and needs more important than her hers? The in-laws live nearby and can see the grandkids when ever they want. The OP is an adult and doesn’t have to apologize for how she chooses to spend her time and energy. She has given plenty of holidays to the in-laws. She is entitled to nuclear family time for special occasions too!

What if the rest of the nuclear family wants to go?

[Anonymous]

Your kids are going to be grown up with families of their own before you know it. These are precious years to make your own traditions. Do things your way this year. Let the fallout happen. It’ll be ok.

[Anonymous]

My kids are out for 2 weeks. Just have family holiday celebrations another day or even during the day. You know missing holidays will just make your life harder. Why not just make the day before more fun or the day of more fun making cookies or something and just your family? Or go for a night and then a 3 to 5 day vacation somewhere? We are talking max 3 nights a year. You don't even have to travel. Most people have to travel on these holidays and still endure family issues and a much longer time because if yoi travel you have to stay for a couple of days. You can handle 3 dinners a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me, being with extended family is what holidays are all about. BUT, that said, the vibe is totally different that what you describe, so while chaotic, it's not emotionally challenging or stressful for us.

Maybe try easing out of some of festivities. I know your parents are deceased, but do you have any other family (or close friends) that you 'need' to have a turn with?

I like extended family for holidays too. But for something like this why not just go over Christmas Day after all the presents are opened? Leave early enough Christmas Eve - like 5pm so you still have the evening to do what you’d like?

[Anonymous]

So stop. Send DH and the kids. No one is forcing you. I stopped talking/interacting with my in laws YEARS ago, after they came out as MAGA. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’re your in-laws and one way to look at it is you spend a few days a year in their less than totally comfy home and the vast majority with your nuclear family. Can’t you just go and make the best of it and encourage the relationship with your kids and their grandparents, the only ones they have?

Do a Black Friday turkey seconds dinner at home with just DH and kids, and a Boxing Day dinner with them also - make those your new traditions.

OP here. We see them weekly, not just for holidays. And we are expected to have dinner with them regularly (i do sit some of those out). That’s why it feels suffocating.