DEI events

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DEI director here. If the school says the event is open to all, believe them. If it was for a specific community within the school, they would say so.

I fully support DEI but the equity part I think can be unrealistic at times and maybe not fair as once we all start comparing our advantages and disadvantages it can get messy.

For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

Not the PP - but from what I've seen at our (3) schools - the school doesn't structure events where a "subset of parents" pay to host a school sanctioned event and then put their names on the invitation.

Examples: Families offer to use their home to host an event but the school pays for it. Families offer to host a pot-luck event - where all participating families bring food. Or, the school hosts the event at school. In cases where there are student events (trips) that parents are paying a fee, the school provides support for students receiving aid.

Well your school is different. At our schools it is common for parents to host the entire grade of parents and pay for the party. Very common. It is a nice gesture. School could never afford that and potlucks are crappy food and a mess for the hosts to deal with in my experience.

Of course all schools are different and there was no judgement in my examples - it was purely an explanation of how our schools have thought though DEI and choose how to handle financial disparity. (which - obviously is still apparent when you go to the hosts' home - even if the school is footing the bill). And yes, the host obviously is still being generous and has to deal with the mess and ready the house for hosting (whether they pay or the school pays and whether there is a pot luck or not).

We only went to one pot luck (a long honored and beloved tradition at that school pre-COVID) - everything was delicious. They keep it to a small number of families and appropriately manage what people bring so that all parts of the meal are represented. They often spoke of returning to these pot lucks after COVID - but didn't before we moved on.

You may think you have good intentions but this is where intentions meet reality and this kind of attitude of demanding equity where it’s not necessary is going to kill these events. There are other ways you can help your school. Hosting events in your home may not be one of them and that’s perfectly ok. We don’t need everybody to do everything.

I am speaking to this exact example below. Not broader rules. I think you are assuming more.


For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

If a parent wants to have a party great.

If parents want to foot the bill for a party for the school great.

But the scenario above was all about how a group of parents were going to hold an event and then one didn't want to pay but still wanted their name on the invitation. This doesn't happen if the school pays for the event. This doesn't happen if the school hosts the event. That's all.

I know many schools operate this way. But if you want to work with a group of parents and one doesn't pay - this isn't a DEI issue. It's an issue of any type of group work (whether that be a school project, a work project etc.) It's life.

What makes it an Equity issue (as PP posted) is if you have tunnel vision and exclude (or judge) people who want to help in hosting a party but don't bring money to the table....but are offering some other helpful skill.

I'm not saying every school needs to impose rules....just giving examples on how the above scenario could be avoided if operating on other guidelines.

I love a nice party at a nice house. I'm not hosting one. I'm not paying for one either. But I also have never had one hosted by a group of families on an invitation. It's always a single family.

I’m not sure that example is even a real example and not a hypothetical. But I’m glad you have a solution to a problem that doesn’t really exist and have tried to make it an equity issue.

Ok - whatever - the PP who typed it is the one who explicitly tied it to equity.

Maybe I should have just told that PP to grow up. If they don't like that one parent wanted to help and be on the invitation and pay less - then they should just move on and not offer to help next time if they don't want to work with just rich people.

The rich people will likely roll their eyes and put the person down as a host because they clearly have a fragile ego. But it’s pretty normal to feel that it’s not right. Most people don’t want their dead beat dad claiming to host their wedding he doesn’t donate a dime to.

Maybe - but if the person offered to help and had skills and time to donate - it seems really immature and entitled to me. Sounds like the person said this up front. Anyway, moving on.

In our experience co hosting this sort of events the only other thing to do is clean up before and clean up after which is paid to housekeepers and caterers so that would be so demeaning to have a parent be the cleaner when all others are not cleaning up because they paid to have someone else do it. PP is cleary not in the same school culture as just doesn't get it which is okay but they should not judge it if they dont understand.

I get it (but I didn't read that this was an example and not a reality). And there are 100% other jobs to do depending on the party being hosted - making this all about house cleaners points even more to your entitlement. For example, even if you are going to outsource everything to "hired vendors" - this person could be the one to take your list of preferred vendors and make all the calls and arrangements. Or, if you don't have a particular vendor, could make the calls and send out info to others with details for the group to choose from.

Then they can put the deposit on their credit card. Otherwise someone else will have to call back, make the arrangements, sign the contract, and provide the CC. It’s not really a big help. Unless they have a contact at a company who can donate food, drink, etc they aren’t providing any meaningful help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DEI director here. If the school says the event is open to all, believe them. If it was for a specific community within the school, they would say so.

I fully support DEI but the equity part I think can be unrealistic at times and maybe not fair as once we all start comparing our advantages and disadvantages it can get messy.

For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

Not the PP - but from what I've seen at our (3) schools - the school doesn't structure events where a "subset of parents" pay to host a school sanctioned event and then put their names on the invitation.

Examples: Families offer to use their home to host an event but the school pays for it. Families offer to host a pot-luck event - where all participating families bring food. Or, the school hosts the event at school. In cases where there are student events (trips) that parents are paying a fee, the school provides support for students receiving aid.

Well your school is different. At our schools it is common for parents to host the entire grade of parents and pay for the party. Very common. It is a nice gesture. School could never afford that and potlucks are crappy food and a mess for the hosts to deal with in my experience.

Of course all schools are different and there was no judgement in my examples - it was purely an explanation of how our schools have thought though DEI and choose how to handle financial disparity. (which - obviously is still apparent when you go to the hosts' home - even if the school is footing the bill). And yes, the host obviously is still being generous and has to deal with the mess and ready the house for hosting (whether they pay or the school pays and whether there is a pot luck or not).

We only went to one pot luck (a long honored and beloved tradition at that school pre-COVID) - everything was delicious. They keep it to a small number of families and appropriately manage what people bring so that all parts of the meal are represented. They often spoke of returning to these pot lucks after COVID - but didn't before we moved on.

You may think you have good intentions but this is where intentions meet reality and this kind of attitude of demanding equity where it’s not necessary is going to kill these events. There are other ways you can help your school. Hosting events in your home may not be one of them and that’s perfectly ok. We don’t need everybody to do everything.

I am speaking to this exact example below. Not broader rules. I think you are assuming more.


For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

If a parent wants to have a party great.

If parents want to foot the bill for a party for the school great.

But the scenario above was all about how a group of parents were going to hold an event and then one didn't want to pay but still wanted their name on the invitation. This doesn't happen if the school pays for the event. This doesn't happen if the school hosts the event. That's all.

I know many schools operate this way. But if you want to work with a group of parents and one doesn't pay - this isn't a DEI issue. It's an issue of any type of group work (whether that be a school project, a work project etc.) It's life.

What makes it an Equity issue (as PP posted) is if you have tunnel vision and exclude (or judge) people who want to help in hosting a party but don't bring money to the table....but are offering some other helpful skill.

I'm not saying every school needs to impose rules....just giving examples on how the above scenario could be avoided if operating on other guidelines.

I love a nice party at a nice house. I'm not hosting one. I'm not paying for one either. But I also have never had one hosted by a group of families on an invitation. It's always a single family.

I’m not sure that example is even a real example and not a hypothetical. But I’m glad you have a solution to a problem that doesn’t really exist and have tried to make it an equity issue.

Ok - whatever - the PP who typed it is the one who explicitly tied it to equity.

Maybe I should have just told that PP to grow up. If they don't like that one parent wanted to help and be on the invitation and pay less - then they should just move on and not offer to help next time if they don't want to work with just rich people.

The rich people will likely roll their eyes and put the person down as a host because they clearly have a fragile ego. But it’s pretty normal to feel that it’s not right. Most people don’t want their dead beat dad claiming to host their wedding he doesn’t donate a dime to.

Maybe - but if the person offered to help and had skills and time to donate - it seems really immature and entitled to me. Sounds like the person said this up front. Anyway, moving on.

In our experience co hosting this sort of events the only other thing to do is clean up before and clean up after which is paid to housekeepers and caterers so that would be so demeaning to have a parent be the cleaner when all others are not cleaning up because they paid to have someone else do it. PP is cleary not in the same school culture as just doesn't get it which is okay but they should not judge it if they dont understand.

I get it (but I didn't read that this was an example and not a reality). And there are 100% other jobs to do depending on the party being hosted - making this all about house cleaners points even more to your entitlement. For example, even if you are going to outsource everything to "hired vendors" - this person could be the one to take your list of preferred vendors and make all the calls and arrangements. Or, if you don't have a particular vendor, could make the calls and send out info to others with details for the group to choose from.

You are exhausting and do not get it and the owner of the home is making arrangements with ONE caterer who handles all else. There are no vendors per se. Clearly you hav not hosted or thrown parties before or you would know how it is done. You are not in the same school culture which makes me think you are trolling on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DEI director here. If the school says the event is open to all, believe them. If it was for a specific community within the school, they would say so.

I fully support DEI but the equity part I think can be unrealistic at times and maybe not fair as once we all start comparing our advantages and disadvantages it can get messy.

For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

Not the PP - but from what I've seen at our (3) schools - the school doesn't structure events where a "subset of parents" pay to host a school sanctioned event and then put their names on the invitation.

Examples: Families offer to use their home to host an event but the school pays for it. Families offer to host a pot-luck event - where all participating families bring food. Or, the school hosts the event at school. In cases where there are student events (trips) that parents are paying a fee, the school provides support for students receiving aid.

Well your school is different. At our schools it is common for parents to host the entire grade of parents and pay for the party. Very common. It is a nice gesture. School could never afford that and potlucks are crappy food and a mess for the hosts to deal with in my experience.

Of course all schools are different and there was no judgement in my examples - it was purely an explanation of how our schools have thought though DEI and choose how to handle financial disparity. (which - obviously is still apparent when you go to the hosts' home - even if the school is footing the bill). And yes, the host obviously is still being generous and has to deal with the mess and ready the house for hosting (whether they pay or the school pays and whether there is a pot luck or not).

We only went to one pot luck (a long honored and beloved tradition at that school pre-COVID) - everything was delicious. They keep it to a small number of families and appropriately manage what people bring so that all parts of the meal are represented. They often spoke of returning to these pot lucks after COVID - but didn't before we moved on.

You may think you have good intentions but this is where intentions meet reality and this kind of attitude of demanding equity where it’s not necessary is going to kill these events. There are other ways you can help your school. Hosting events in your home may not be one of them and that’s perfectly ok. We don’t need everybody to do everything.

I am speaking to this exact example below. Not broader rules. I think you are assuming more.


For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

If a parent wants to have a party great.

If parents want to foot the bill for a party for the school great.

But the scenario above was all about how a group of parents were going to hold an event and then one didn't want to pay but still wanted their name on the invitation. This doesn't happen if the school pays for the event. This doesn't happen if the school hosts the event. That's all.

I know many schools operate this way. But if you want to work with a group of parents and one doesn't pay - this isn't a DEI issue. It's an issue of any type of group work (whether that be a school project, a work project etc.) It's life.

What makes it an Equity issue (as PP posted) is if you have tunnel vision and exclude (or judge) people who want to help in hosting a party but don't bring money to the table....but are offering some other helpful skill.

I'm not saying every school needs to impose rules....just giving examples on how the above scenario could be avoided if operating on other guidelines.

I love a nice party at a nice house. I'm not hosting one. I'm not paying for one either. But I also have never had one hosted by a group of families on an invitation. It's always a single family.

I’m not sure that example is even a real example and not a hypothetical. But I’m glad you have a solution to a problem that doesn’t really exist and have tried to make it an equity issue.

Ok - whatever - the PP who typed it is the one who explicitly tied it to equity.

Maybe I should have just told that PP to grow up. If they don't like that one parent wanted to help and be on the invitation and pay less - then they should just move on and not offer to help next time if they don't want to work with just rich people.

The rich people will likely roll their eyes and put the person down as a host because they clearly have a fragile ego. But it’s pretty normal to feel that it’s not right. Most people don’t want their dead beat dad claiming to host their wedding he doesn’t donate a dime to.

Maybe - but if the person offered to help and had skills and time to donate - it seems really immature and entitled to me. Sounds like the person said this up front. Anyway, moving on.

As predicted, it was a made up hypothetical. Of course it was because nobody would do this.

No not really. They actually did ask if they or someone else could do this for a future event so it is not made up. It was asked as a suggestion.

Ok but nobody insisted they be a host when they don’t do what’s required. Asking about it is not the same as getting into a disagreement about who actually hosts and having the school get involved. And nobody needs skills and time to pull off an event like this. It just takes money. Hire the caterers, bartender, house cleaner, done. What time or skills are even needed from someone? What would they do?

Exactly. I agree with you. That is the point. They would not do anything except pay their fair share so the answer is that they can't be a co-host for this event but they can feel free to host their own event with that structure if they are okay with it.

And thus comes your equity question - this probably makes the non-rich" volunteer feel like crap. Maybe they don't realize that you are literally just going to be throwing money at the party and were honestly offering to help (and give some money too).

Anyway - this is all history and done in a way that solved the problem. (nicely, maybe not, but solved - and that person learned their lesson/got burned)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DEI director here. If the school says the event is open to all, believe them. If it was for a specific community within the school, they would say so.

I fully support DEI but the equity part I think can be unrealistic at times and maybe not fair as once we all start comparing our advantages and disadvantages it can get messy.

For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

Not the PP - but from what I've seen at our (3) schools - the school doesn't structure events where a "subset of parents" pay to host a school sanctioned event and then put their names on the invitation.

Examples: Families offer to use their home to host an event but the school pays for it. Families offer to host a pot-luck event - where all participating families bring food. Or, the school hosts the event at school. In cases where there are student events (trips) that parents are paying a fee, the school provides support for students receiving aid.

Well your school is different. At our schools it is common for parents to host the entire grade of parents and pay for the party. Very common. It is a nice gesture. School could never afford that and potlucks are crappy food and a mess for the hosts to deal with in my experience.

Of course all schools are different and there was no judgement in my examples - it was purely an explanation of how our schools have thought though DEI and choose how to handle financial disparity. (which - obviously is still apparent when you go to the hosts' home - even if the school is footing the bill). And yes, the host obviously is still being generous and has to deal with the mess and ready the house for hosting (whether they pay or the school pays and whether there is a pot luck or not).

We only went to one pot luck (a long honored and beloved tradition at that school pre-COVID) - everything was delicious. They keep it to a small number of families and appropriately manage what people bring so that all parts of the meal are represented. They often spoke of returning to these pot lucks after COVID - but didn't before we moved on.

You may think you have good intentions but this is where intentions meet reality and this kind of attitude of demanding equity where it’s not necessary is going to kill these events. There are other ways you can help your school. Hosting events in your home may not be one of them and that’s perfectly ok. We don’t need everybody to do everything.

I am speaking to this exact example below. Not broader rules. I think you are assuming more.


For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

If a parent wants to have a party great.

If parents want to foot the bill for a party for the school great.

But the scenario above was all about how a group of parents were going to hold an event and then one didn't want to pay but still wanted their name on the invitation. This doesn't happen if the school pays for the event. This doesn't happen if the school hosts the event. That's all.

I know many schools operate this way. But if you want to work with a group of parents and one doesn't pay - this isn't a DEI issue. It's an issue of any type of group work (whether that be a school project, a work project etc.) It's life.

What makes it an Equity issue (as PP posted) is if you have tunnel vision and exclude (or judge) people who want to help in hosting a party but don't bring money to the table....but are offering some other helpful skill.

I'm not saying every school needs to impose rules....just giving examples on how the above scenario could be avoided if operating on other guidelines.

I love a nice party at a nice house. I'm not hosting one. I'm not paying for one either. But I also have never had one hosted by a group of families on an invitation. It's always a single family.

I’m not sure that example is even a real example and not a hypothetical. But I’m glad you have a solution to a problem that doesn’t really exist and have tried to make it an equity issue.

Ok - whatever - the PP who typed it is the one who explicitly tied it to equity.

Maybe I should have just told that PP to grow up. If they don't like that one parent wanted to help and be on the invitation and pay less - then they should just move on and not offer to help next time if they don't want to work with just rich people.

The rich people will likely roll their eyes and put the person down as a host because they clearly have a fragile ego. But it’s pretty normal to feel that it’s not right. Most people don’t want their dead beat dad claiming to host their wedding he doesn’t donate a dime to.

Maybe - but if the person offered to help and had skills and time to donate - it seems really immature and entitled to me. Sounds like the person said this up front. Anyway, moving on.

In our experience co hosting this sort of events the only other thing to do is clean up before and clean up after which is paid to housekeepers and caterers so that would be so demeaning to have a parent be the cleaner when all others are not cleaning up because they paid to have someone else do it. PP is cleary not in the same school culture as just doesn't get it which is okay but they should not judge it if they dont understand.

I get it (but I didn't read that this was an example and not a reality). And there are 100% other jobs to do depending on the party being hosted - making this all about house cleaners points even more to your entitlement. For example, even if you are going to outsource everything to "hired vendors" - this person could be the one to take your list of preferred vendors and make all the calls and arrangements. Or, if you don't have a particular vendor, could make the calls and send out info to others with details for the group to choose from.

You are exhausting and do not get it and the owner of the home is making arrangements with ONE caterer who handles all else. There are no vendors per se. Clearly you hav not hosted or thrown parties before or you would know how it is done. You are not in the same school culture which makes me think you are trolling on here.

You are equally exhausting. I am in the same school culture (kids at multiple Big 3). I just view life through a different lens than you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DEI director here. If the school says the event is open to all, believe them. If it was for a specific community within the school, they would say so.

I fully support DEI but the equity part I think can be unrealistic at times and maybe not fair as once we all start comparing our advantages and disadvantages it can get messy.

For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

Not the PP - but from what I've seen at our (3) schools - the school doesn't structure events where a "subset of parents" pay to host a school sanctioned event and then put their names on the invitation.

Examples: Families offer to use their home to host an event but the school pays for it. Families offer to host a pot-luck event - where all participating families bring food. Or, the school hosts the event at school. In cases where there are student events (trips) that parents are paying a fee, the school provides support for students receiving aid.

Well your school is different. At our schools it is common for parents to host the entire grade of parents and pay for the party. Very common. It is a nice gesture. School could never afford that and potlucks are crappy food and a mess for the hosts to deal with in my experience.

Of course all schools are different and there was no judgement in my examples - it was purely an explanation of how our schools have thought though DEI and choose how to handle financial disparity. (which - obviously is still apparent when you go to the hosts' home - even if the school is footing the bill). And yes, the host obviously is still being generous and has to deal with the mess and ready the house for hosting (whether they pay or the school pays and whether there is a pot luck or not).

We only went to one pot luck (a long honored and beloved tradition at that school pre-COVID) - everything was delicious. They keep it to a small number of families and appropriately manage what people bring so that all parts of the meal are represented. They often spoke of returning to these pot lucks after COVID - but didn't before we moved on.

You may think you have good intentions but this is where intentions meet reality and this kind of attitude of demanding equity where it’s not necessary is going to kill these events. There are other ways you can help your school. Hosting events in your home may not be one of them and that’s perfectly ok. We don’t need everybody to do everything.

I am speaking to this exact example below. Not broader rules. I think you are assuming more.


For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

If a parent wants to have a party great.

If parents want to foot the bill for a party for the school great.

But the scenario above was all about how a group of parents were going to hold an event and then one didn't want to pay but still wanted their name on the invitation. This doesn't happen if the school pays for the event. This doesn't happen if the school hosts the event. That's all.

I know many schools operate this way. But if you want to work with a group of parents and one doesn't pay - this isn't a DEI issue. It's an issue of any type of group work (whether that be a school project, a work project etc.) It's life.

What makes it an Equity issue (as PP posted) is if you have tunnel vision and exclude (or judge) people who want to help in hosting a party but don't bring money to the table....but are offering some other helpful skill.

I'm not saying every school needs to impose rules....just giving examples on how the above scenario could be avoided if operating on other guidelines.

I love a nice party at a nice house. I'm not hosting one. I'm not paying for one either. But I also have never had one hosted by a group of families on an invitation. It's always a single family.

I’m not sure that example is even a real example and not a hypothetical. But I’m glad you have a solution to a problem that doesn’t really exist and have tried to make it an equity issue.

Ok - whatever - the PP who typed it is the one who explicitly tied it to equity.

Maybe I should have just told that PP to grow up. If they don't like that one parent wanted to help and be on the invitation and pay less - then they should just move on and not offer to help next time if they don't want to work with just rich people.

The rich people will likely roll their eyes and put the person down as a host because they clearly have a fragile ego. But it’s pretty normal to feel that it’s not right. Most people don’t want their dead beat dad claiming to host their wedding he doesn’t donate a dime to.

Maybe - but if the person offered to help and had skills and time to donate - it seems really immature and entitled to me. Sounds like the person said this up front. Anyway, moving on.

In our experience co hosting this sort of events the only other thing to do is clean up before and clean up after which is paid to housekeepers and caterers so that would be so demeaning to have a parent be the cleaner when all others are not cleaning up because they paid to have someone else do it. PP is cleary not in the same school culture as just doesn't get it which is okay but they should not judge it if they dont understand.

I get it (but I didn't read that this was an example and not a reality). And there are 100% other jobs to do depending on the party being hosted - making this all about house cleaners points even more to your entitlement. For example, even if you are going to outsource everything to "hired vendors" - this person could be the one to take your list of preferred vendors and make all the calls and arrangements. Or, if you don't have a particular vendor, could make the calls and send out info to others with details for the group to choose from.

You are exhausting and do not get it and the owner of the home is making arrangements with ONE caterer who handles all else. There are no vendors per se. Clearly you hav not hosted or thrown parties before or you would know how it is done. You are not in the same school culture which makes me think you are trolling on here.

You are equally exhausting. I am in the same school culture (kids at multiple Big 3). I just view life through a different lens than you do.

You enjoy creating trouble where trouble doesn’t exist? Sounds like a fun hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DEI director here. If the school says the event is open to all, believe them. If it was for a specific community within the school, they would say so.

I fully support DEI but the equity part I think can be unrealistic at times and maybe not fair as once we all start comparing our advantages and disadvantages it can get messy.

For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

Not the PP - but from what I've seen at our (3) schools - the school doesn't structure events where a "subset of parents" pay to host a school sanctioned event and then put their names on the invitation.

Examples: Families offer to use their home to host an event but the school pays for it. Families offer to host a pot-luck event - where all participating families bring food. Or, the school hosts the event at school. In cases where there are student events (trips) that parents are paying a fee, the school provides support for students receiving aid.

Well your school is different. At our schools it is common for parents to host the entire grade of parents and pay for the party. Very common. It is a nice gesture. School could never afford that and potlucks are crappy food and a mess for the hosts to deal with in my experience.

Of course all schools are different and there was no judgement in my examples - it was purely an explanation of how our schools have thought though DEI and choose how to handle financial disparity. (which - obviously is still apparent when you go to the hosts' home - even if the school is footing the bill). And yes, the host obviously is still being generous and has to deal with the mess and ready the house for hosting (whether they pay or the school pays and whether there is a pot luck or not).

We only went to one pot luck (a long honored and beloved tradition at that school pre-COVID) - everything was delicious. They keep it to a small number of families and appropriately manage what people bring so that all parts of the meal are represented. They often spoke of returning to these pot lucks after COVID - but didn't before we moved on.

You may think you have good intentions but this is where intentions meet reality and this kind of attitude of demanding equity where it’s not necessary is going to kill these events. There are other ways you can help your school. Hosting events in your home may not be one of them and that’s perfectly ok. We don’t need everybody to do everything.

I am speaking to this exact example below. Not broader rules. I think you are assuming more.


For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

If a parent wants to have a party great.

If parents want to foot the bill for a party for the school great.

But the scenario above was all about how a group of parents were going to hold an event and then one didn't want to pay but still wanted their name on the invitation. This doesn't happen if the school pays for the event. This doesn't happen if the school hosts the event. That's all.

I know many schools operate this way. But if you want to work with a group of parents and one doesn't pay - this isn't a DEI issue. It's an issue of any type of group work (whether that be a school project, a work project etc.) It's life.

What makes it an Equity issue (as PP posted) is if you have tunnel vision and exclude (or judge) people who want to help in hosting a party but don't bring money to the table....but are offering some other helpful skill.

I'm not saying every school needs to impose rules....just giving examples on how the above scenario could be avoided if operating on other guidelines.

I love a nice party at a nice house. I'm not hosting one. I'm not paying for one either. But I also have never had one hosted by a group of families on an invitation. It's always a single family.

I’m not sure that example is even a real example and not a hypothetical. But I’m glad you have a solution to a problem that doesn’t really exist and have tried to make it an equity issue.

Ok - whatever - the PP who typed it is the one who explicitly tied it to equity.

Maybe I should have just told that PP to grow up. If they don't like that one parent wanted to help and be on the invitation and pay less - then they should just move on and not offer to help next time if they don't want to work with just rich people.

The rich people will likely roll their eyes and put the person down as a host because they clearly have a fragile ego. But it’s pretty normal to feel that it’s not right. Most people don’t want their dead beat dad claiming to host their wedding he doesn’t donate a dime to.

Maybe - but if the person offered to help and had skills and time to donate - it seems really immature and entitled to me. Sounds like the person said this up front. Anyway, moving on.

In our experience co hosting this sort of events the only other thing to do is clean up before and clean up after which is paid to housekeepers and caterers so that would be so demeaning to have a parent be the cleaner when all others are not cleaning up because they paid to have someone else do it. PP is cleary not in the same school culture as just doesn't get it which is okay but they should not judge it if they dont understand.

I get it (but I didn't read that this was an example and not a reality). And there are 100% other jobs to do depending on the party being hosted - making this all about house cleaners points even more to your entitlement. For example, even if you are going to outsource everything to "hired vendors" - this person could be the one to take your list of preferred vendors and make all the calls and arrangements. Or, if you don't have a particular vendor, could make the calls and send out info to others with details for the group to choose from.

You are exhausting and do not get it and the owner of the home is making arrangements with ONE caterer who handles all else. There are no vendors per se. Clearly you hav not hosted or thrown parties before or you would know how it is done. You are not in the same school culture which makes me think you are trolling on here.

You are equally exhausting. I am in the same school culture (kids at multiple Big 3). I just view life through a different lens than you do.

You enjoy creating trouble where trouble doesn’t exist? Sounds like a fun hobby.

See you at your next hosted party!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DEI director here. If the school says the event is open to all, believe them. If it was for a specific community within the school, they would say so.

I fully support DEI but the equity part I think can be unrealistic at times and maybe not fair as once we all start comparing our advantages and disadvantages it can get messy.

For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

Not the PP - but from what I've seen at our (3) schools - the school doesn't structure events where a "subset of parents" pay to host a school sanctioned event and then put their names on the invitation.

Examples: Families offer to use their home to host an event but the school pays for it. Families offer to host a pot-luck event - where all participating families bring food. Or, the school hosts the event at school. In cases where there are student events (trips) that parents are paying a fee, the school provides support for students receiving aid.

Well your school is different. At our schools it is common for parents to host the entire grade of parents and pay for the party. Very common. It is a nice gesture. School could never afford that and potlucks are crappy food and a mess for the hosts to deal with in my experience.

Of course all schools are different and there was no judgement in my examples - it was purely an explanation of how our schools have thought though DEI and choose how to handle financial disparity. (which - obviously is still apparent when you go to the hosts' home - even if the school is footing the bill). And yes, the host obviously is still being generous and has to deal with the mess and ready the house for hosting (whether they pay or the school pays and whether there is a pot luck or not).

We only went to one pot luck (a long honored and beloved tradition at that school pre-COVID) - everything was delicious. They keep it to a small number of families and appropriately manage what people bring so that all parts of the meal are represented. They often spoke of returning to these pot lucks after COVID - but didn't before we moved on.

You may think you have good intentions but this is where intentions meet reality and this kind of attitude of demanding equity where it’s not necessary is going to kill these events. There are other ways you can help your school. Hosting events in your home may not be one of them and that’s perfectly ok. We don’t need everybody to do everything.

I am speaking to this exact example below. Not broader rules. I think you are assuming more.


For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

If a parent wants to have a party great.

If parents want to foot the bill for a party for the school great.

But the scenario above was all about how a group of parents were going to hold an event and then one didn't want to pay but still wanted their name on the invitation. This doesn't happen if the school pays for the event. This doesn't happen if the school hosts the event. That's all.

I know many schools operate this way. But if you want to work with a group of parents and one doesn't pay - this isn't a DEI issue. It's an issue of any type of group work (whether that be a school project, a work project etc.) It's life.

What makes it an Equity issue (as PP posted) is if you have tunnel vision and exclude (or judge) people who want to help in hosting a party but don't bring money to the table....but are offering some other helpful skill.

I'm not saying every school needs to impose rules....just giving examples on how the above scenario could be avoided if operating on other guidelines.

I love a nice party at a nice house. I'm not hosting one. I'm not paying for one either. But I also have never had one hosted by a group of families on an invitation. It's always a single family.

I’m not sure that example is even a real example and not a hypothetical. But I’m glad you have a solution to a problem that doesn’t really exist and have tried to make it an equity issue.

Ok - whatever - the PP who typed it is the one who explicitly tied it to equity.

Maybe I should have just told that PP to grow up. If they don't like that one parent wanted to help and be on the invitation and pay less - then they should just move on and not offer to help next time if they don't want to work with just rich people.

The rich people will likely roll their eyes and put the person down as a host because they clearly have a fragile ego. But it’s pretty normal to feel that it’s not right. Most people don’t want their dead beat dad claiming to host their wedding he doesn’t donate a dime to.

Maybe - but if the person offered to help and had skills and time to donate - it seems really immature and entitled to me. Sounds like the person said this up front. Anyway, moving on.

In our experience co hosting this sort of events the only other thing to do is clean up before and clean up after which is paid to housekeepers and caterers so that would be so demeaning to have a parent be the cleaner when all others are not cleaning up because they paid to have someone else do it. PP is cleary not in the same school culture as just doesn't get it which is okay but they should not judge it if they dont understand.

I get it (but I didn't read that this was an example and not a reality). And there are 100% other jobs to do depending on the party being hosted - making this all about house cleaners points even more to your entitlement. For example, even if you are going to outsource everything to "hired vendors" - this person could be the one to take your list of preferred vendors and make all the calls and arrangements. Or, if you don't have a particular vendor, could make the calls and send out info to others with details for the group to choose from.

You are exhausting and do not get it and the owner of the home is making arrangements with ONE caterer who handles all else. There are no vendors per se. Clearly you hav not hosted or thrown parties before or you would know how it is done. You are not in the same school culture which makes me think you are trolling on here.

You are equally exhausting. I am in the same school culture (kids at multiple Big 3). I just view life through a different lens than you do.

Well I dont know if you really are because you mentioned that you have never been to a party for the school parents or student that was co-hosted by several families and if you were in the same school culture then you would have been invited to at least a few of these over the years. We have been to several over the years so I sort of dont know if I believe you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DEI director here. If the school says the event is open to all, believe them. If it was for a specific community within the school, they would say so.

I fully support DEI but the equity part I think can be unrealistic at times and maybe not fair as once we all start comparing our advantages and disadvantages it can get messy.

For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

Not the PP - but from what I've seen at our (3) schools - the school doesn't structure events where a "subset of parents" pay to host a school sanctioned event and then put their names on the invitation.

Examples: Families offer to use their home to host an event but the school pays for it. Families offer to host a pot-luck event - where all participating families bring food. Or, the school hosts the event at school. In cases where there are student events (trips) that parents are paying a fee, the school provides support for students receiving aid.

Well your school is different. At our schools it is common for parents to host the entire grade of parents and pay for the party. Very common. It is a nice gesture. School could never afford that and potlucks are crappy food and a mess for the hosts to deal with in my experience.

Of course all schools are different and there was no judgement in my examples - it was purely an explanation of how our schools have thought though DEI and choose how to handle financial disparity. (which - obviously is still apparent when you go to the hosts' home - even if the school is footing the bill). And yes, the host obviously is still being generous and has to deal with the mess and ready the house for hosting (whether they pay or the school pays and whether there is a pot luck or not).

We only went to one pot luck (a long honored and beloved tradition at that school pre-COVID) - everything was delicious. They keep it to a small number of families and appropriately manage what people bring so that all parts of the meal are represented. They often spoke of returning to these pot lucks after COVID - but didn't before we moved on.

You may think you have good intentions but this is where intentions meet reality and this kind of attitude of demanding equity where it’s not necessary is going to kill these events. There are other ways you can help your school. Hosting events in your home may not be one of them and that’s perfectly ok. We don’t need everybody to do everything.

I am speaking to this exact example below. Not broader rules. I think you are assuming more.


For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

If a parent wants to have a party great.

If parents want to foot the bill for a party for the school great.

But the scenario above was all about how a group of parents were going to hold an event and then one didn't want to pay but still wanted their name on the invitation. This doesn't happen if the school pays for the event. This doesn't happen if the school hosts the event. That's all.

I know many schools operate this way. But if you want to work with a group of parents and one doesn't pay - this isn't a DEI issue. It's an issue of any type of group work (whether that be a school project, a work project etc.) It's life.

What makes it an Equity issue (as PP posted) is if you have tunnel vision and exclude (or judge) people who want to help in hosting a party but don't bring money to the table....but are offering some other helpful skill.

I'm not saying every school needs to impose rules....just giving examples on how the above scenario could be avoided if operating on other guidelines.

I love a nice party at a nice house. I'm not hosting one. I'm not paying for one either. But I also have never had one hosted by a group of families on an invitation. It's always a single family.

I’m not sure that example is even a real example and not a hypothetical. But I’m glad you have a solution to a problem that doesn’t really exist and have tried to make it an equity issue.

Ok - whatever - the PP who typed it is the one who explicitly tied it to equity.

Maybe I should have just told that PP to grow up. If they don't like that one parent wanted to help and be on the invitation and pay less - then they should just move on and not offer to help next time if they don't want to work with just rich people.

The rich people will likely roll their eyes and put the person down as a host because they clearly have a fragile ego. But it’s pretty normal to feel that it’s not right. Most people don’t want their dead beat dad claiming to host their wedding he doesn’t donate a dime to.

Maybe - but if the person offered to help and had skills and time to donate - it seems really immature and entitled to me. Sounds like the person said this up front. Anyway, moving on.

In our experience co hosting this sort of events the only other thing to do is clean up before and clean up after which is paid to housekeepers and caterers so that would be so demeaning to have a parent be the cleaner when all others are not cleaning up because they paid to have someone else do it. PP is cleary not in the same school culture as just doesn't get it which is okay but they should not judge it if they dont understand.

I get it (but I didn't read that this was an example and not a reality). And there are 100% other jobs to do depending on the party being hosted - making this all about house cleaners points even more to your entitlement. For example, even if you are going to outsource everything to "hired vendors" - this person could be the one to take your list of preferred vendors and make all the calls and arrangements. Or, if you don't have a particular vendor, could make the calls and send out info to others with details for the group to choose from.

You are exhausting and do not get it and the owner of the home is making arrangements with ONE caterer who handles all else. There are no vendors per se. Clearly you hav not hosted or thrown parties before or you would know how it is done. You are not in the same school culture which makes me think you are trolling on here.

You are equally exhausting. I am in the same school culture (kids at multiple Big 3). I just view life through a different lens than you do.

You enjoy creating trouble where trouble doesn’t exist? Sounds like a fun hobby.

See you at your next hosted party!

You would be more than welcome! And since you know how this actually works instead of badly playing devil’s advocate, we don’t have to pretend there was a host who only brought cupcakes and demanded to be listed as co-host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DEI director here. If the school says the event is open to all, believe them. If it was for a specific community within the school, they would say so.

I fully support DEI but the equity part I think can be unrealistic at times and maybe not fair as once we all start comparing our advantages and disadvantages it can get messy.

For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

Not the PP - but from what I've seen at our (3) schools - the school doesn't structure events where a "subset of parents" pay to host a school sanctioned event and then put their names on the invitation.

Examples: Families offer to use their home to host an event but the school pays for it. Families offer to host a pot-luck event - where all participating families bring food. Or, the school hosts the event at school. In cases where there are student events (trips) that parents are paying a fee, the school provides support for students receiving aid.

Well your school is different. At our schools it is common for parents to host the entire grade of parents and pay for the party. Very common. It is a nice gesture. School could never afford that and potlucks are crappy food and a mess for the hosts to deal with in my experience.

Of course all schools are different and there was no judgement in my examples - it was purely an explanation of how our schools have thought though DEI and choose how to handle financial disparity. (which - obviously is still apparent when you go to the hosts' home - even if the school is footing the bill). And yes, the host obviously is still being generous and has to deal with the mess and ready the house for hosting (whether they pay or the school pays and whether there is a pot luck or not).

We only went to one pot luck (a long honored and beloved tradition at that school pre-COVID) - everything was delicious. They keep it to a small number of families and appropriately manage what people bring so that all parts of the meal are represented. They often spoke of returning to these pot lucks after COVID - but didn't before we moved on.

You may think you have good intentions but this is where intentions meet reality and this kind of attitude of demanding equity where it’s not necessary is going to kill these events. There are other ways you can help your school. Hosting events in your home may not be one of them and that’s perfectly ok. We don’t need everybody to do everything.

I am speaking to this exact example below. Not broader rules. I think you are assuming more.


For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

If a parent wants to have a party great.

If parents want to foot the bill for a party for the school great.

But the scenario above was all about how a group of parents were going to hold an event and then one didn't want to pay but still wanted their name on the invitation. This doesn't happen if the school pays for the event. This doesn't happen if the school hosts the event. That's all.

I know many schools operate this way. But if you want to work with a group of parents and one doesn't pay - this isn't a DEI issue. It's an issue of any type of group work (whether that be a school project, a work project etc.) It's life.

What makes it an Equity issue (as PP posted) is if you have tunnel vision and exclude (or judge) people who want to help in hosting a party but don't bring money to the table....but are offering some other helpful skill.

I'm not saying every school needs to impose rules....just giving examples on how the above scenario could be avoided if operating on other guidelines.

I love a nice party at a nice house. I'm not hosting one. I'm not paying for one either. But I also have never had one hosted by a group of families on an invitation. It's always a single family.

I’m not sure that example is even a real example and not a hypothetical. But I’m glad you have a solution to a problem that doesn’t really exist and have tried to make it an equity issue.

Ok - whatever - the PP who typed it is the one who explicitly tied it to equity.

Maybe I should have just told that PP to grow up. If they don't like that one parent wanted to help and be on the invitation and pay less - then they should just move on and not offer to help next time if they don't want to work with just rich people.

The rich people will likely roll their eyes and put the person down as a host because they clearly have a fragile ego. But it’s pretty normal to feel that it’s not right. Most people don’t want their dead beat dad claiming to host their wedding he doesn’t donate a dime to.

Maybe - but if the person offered to help and had skills and time to donate - it seems really immature and entitled to me. Sounds like the person said this up front. Anyway, moving on.

In our experience co hosting this sort of events the only other thing to do is clean up before and clean up after which is paid to housekeepers and caterers so that would be so demeaning to have a parent be the cleaner when all others are not cleaning up because they paid to have someone else do it. PP is cleary not in the same school culture as just doesn't get it which is okay but they should not judge it if they dont understand.

I get it (but I didn't read that this was an example and not a reality). And there are 100% other jobs to do depending on the party being hosted - making this all about house cleaners points even more to your entitlement. For example, even if you are going to outsource everything to "hired vendors" - this person could be the one to take your list of preferred vendors and make all the calls and arrangements. Or, if you don't have a particular vendor, could make the calls and send out info to others with details for the group to choose from.

You are exhausting and do not get it and the owner of the home is making arrangements with ONE caterer who handles all else. There are no vendors per se. Clearly you hav not hosted or thrown parties before or you would know how it is done. You are not in the same school culture which makes me think you are trolling on here.

You are equally exhausting. I am in the same school culture (kids at multiple Big 3). I just view life through a different lens than you do.

You enjoy creating trouble where trouble doesn’t exist? Sounds like a fun hobby.

See you at your next hosted party!

DP then above but I am not hosting any parties thankfully. Too expensive but I appreciate those that are doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DEI director here. If the school says the event is open to all, believe them. If it was for a specific community within the school, they would say so.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, I love that schools, especially many of the primarily white private schools in the area, have these. I have a question though. We're at a new school that has a family DEIB (diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging) event coming up. The communications for the event say that it is open to all school families and it's about making sure all families are in a welcoming environment. In reality, what do these events look like? As a white family should we skip as it's not our place, or are they truly about bringing the entire school together? Since we're still so new, I'm trying to attend as many events as our schedule will allow. However, I do not want to step outside of my lane and intrude on anyone's safe space.

Is it an event with a speaker? or a picnic?

Speaker: anyone should attend
Picnic: The white families are not the target, but the school will not let the organizers hold a school sponsored event where "everyone" isn't welcome.

Ours is a Welcome Back Meet and Greet event held by the DEI office (not a parent affinity group event) - it says all are welcome. I'd assume that means white families too and I plan to go. FWIW - DEI covers not just race and ethnicity but also gender, identity, socioeconomic status, and physical differences.

Yes this. DEI if done well focuses on all differences so there is a place for all. Even parents with kids with learning differences etc.... could be touched upon as well or life long injuries or chronic health issues. I know a few kids with these things and it could be incorporated into DEI even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DEI director here. If the school says the event is open to all, believe them. If it was for a specific community within the school, they would say so.

I fully support DEI but the equity part I think can be unrealistic at times and maybe not fair as once we all start comparing our advantages and disadvantages it can get messy.

For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

Not the PP - but from what I've seen at our (3) schools - the school doesn't structure events where a "subset of parents" pay to host a school sanctioned event and then put their names on the invitation.

Examples: Families offer to use their home to host an event but the school pays for it. Families offer to host a pot-luck event - where all participating families bring food. Or, the school hosts the event at school. In cases where there are student events (trips) that parents are paying a fee, the school provides support for students receiving aid.

Well your school is different. At our schools it is common for parents to host the entire grade of parents and pay for the party. Very common. It is a nice gesture. School could never afford that and potlucks are crappy food and a mess for the hosts to deal with in my experience.

Of course all schools are different and there was no judgement in my examples - it was purely an explanation of how our schools have thought though DEI and choose how to handle financial disparity. (which - obviously is still apparent when you go to the hosts' home - even if the school is footing the bill). And yes, the host obviously is still being generous and has to deal with the mess and ready the house for hosting (whether they pay or the school pays and whether there is a pot luck or not).

We only went to one pot luck (a long honored and beloved tradition at that school pre-COVID) - everything was delicious. They keep it to a small number of families and appropriately manage what people bring so that all parts of the meal are represented. They often spoke of returning to these pot lucks after COVID - but didn't before we moved on.

You may think you have good intentions but this is where intentions meet reality and this kind of attitude of demanding equity where it’s not necessary is going to kill these events. There are other ways you can help your school. Hosting events in your home may not be one of them and that’s perfectly ok. We don’t need everybody to do everything.

I am speaking to this exact example below. Not broader rules. I think you are assuming more.


For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

If a parent wants to have a party great.

If parents want to foot the bill for a party for the school great.

But the scenario above was all about how a group of parents were going to hold an event and then one didn't want to pay but still wanted their name on the invitation. This doesn't happen if the school pays for the event. This doesn't happen if the school hosts the event. That's all.

I know many schools operate this way. But if you want to work with a group of parents and one doesn't pay - this isn't a DEI issue. It's an issue of any type of group work (whether that be a school project, a work project etc.) It's life.

What makes it an Equity issue (as PP posted) is if you have tunnel vision and exclude (or judge) people who want to help in hosting a party but don't bring money to the table....but are offering some other helpful skill.

I'm not saying every school needs to impose rules....just giving examples on how the above scenario could be avoided if operating on other guidelines.

I love a nice party at a nice house. I'm not hosting one. I'm not paying for one either. But I also have never had one hosted by a group of families on an invitation. It's always a single family.

I’m not sure that example is even a real example and not a hypothetical. But I’m glad you have a solution to a problem that doesn’t really exist and have tried to make it an equity issue.

Ok - whatever - the PP who typed it is the one who explicitly tied it to equity.

Maybe I should have just told that PP to grow up. If they don't like that one parent wanted to help and be on the invitation and pay less - then they should just move on and not offer to help next time if they don't want to work with just rich people.

The rich people will likely roll their eyes and put the person down as a host because they clearly have a fragile ego. But it’s pretty normal to feel that it’s not right. Most people don’t want their dead beat dad claiming to host their wedding he doesn’t donate a dime to.

Maybe - but if the person offered to help and had skills and time to donate - it seems really immature and entitled to me. Sounds like the person said this up front. Anyway, moving on.

In our experience co hosting this sort of events the only other thing to do is clean up before and clean up after which is paid to housekeepers and caterers so that would be so demeaning to have a parent be the cleaner when all others are not cleaning up because they paid to have someone else do it. PP is cleary not in the same school culture as just doesn't get it which is okay but they should not judge it if they dont understand.

I get it (but I didn't read that this was an example and not a reality). And there are 100% other jobs to do depending on the party being hosted - making this all about house cleaners points even more to your entitlement. For example, even if you are going to outsource everything to "hired vendors" - this person could be the one to take your list of preferred vendors and make all the calls and arrangements. Or, if you don't have a particular vendor, could make the calls and send out info to others with details for the group to choose from.

You are exhausting and do not get it and the owner of the home is making arrangements with ONE caterer who handles all else. There are no vendors per se. Clearly you hav not hosted or thrown parties before or you would know how it is done. You are not in the same school culture which makes me think you are trolling on here.

You are equally exhausting. I am in the same school culture (kids at multiple Big 3). I just view life through a different lens than you do.

Well I dont know if you really are because you mentioned that you have never been to a party for the school parents or student that was co-hosted by several families and if you were in the same school culture then you would have been invited to at least a few of these over the years. We have been to several over the years so I sort of dont know if I believe you.

Then I suppose we are at a different Big 3 - our family hosted parties have only been hosted by a single host family. Not groups of families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, I love that schools, especially many of the primarily white private schools in the area, have these. I have a question though. We're at a new school that has a family DEIB (diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging) event coming up. The communications for the event say that it is open to all school families and it's about making sure all families are in a welcoming environment. In reality, what do these events look like? As a white family should we skip as it's not our place, or are they truly about bringing the entire school together? Since we're still so new, I'm trying to attend as many events as our schedule will allow. However, I do not want to step outside of my lane and intrude on anyone's safe space.

Is it an event with a speaker? or a picnic?

Speaker: anyone should attend
Picnic: The white families are not the target, but the school will not let the organizers hold a school sponsored event where "everyone" isn't welcome.

Ours is a Welcome Back Meet and Greet event held by the DEI office (not a parent affinity group event) - it says all are welcome. I'd assume that means white families too and I plan to go. FWIW - DEI covers not just race and ethnicity but also gender, identity, socioeconomic status, and physical differences.

Yes this. DEI if done well focuses on all differences so there is a place for all. Even parents with kids with learning differences etc.... could be touched upon as well or life long injuries or chronic health issues. I know a few kids with these things and it could be incorporated into DEI even more.

There is no such thing as DEI "done well," because it's ridiculous in concept.

Look at the situation you just provided. Now you want parents with kids with learning differences and chronic health issues to self-identify and request DEI accommodations. How exactly is that supposed to work? OK, kids, the People with Asthma meeting is next week and we welcome allies. That's not you? Oh, well - come up with your own life-long injury and next month, we'll celebrate that!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:DEI director here. If the school says the event is open to all, believe them. If it was for a specific community within the school, they would say so.

I fully support DEI but the equity part I think can be unrealistic at times and maybe not fair as once we all start comparing our advantages and disadvantages it can get messy.

For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

Not the PP - but from what I've seen at our (3) schools - the school doesn't structure events where a "subset of parents" pay to host a school sanctioned event and then put their names on the invitation.

Examples: Families offer to use their home to host an event but the school pays for it. Families offer to host a pot-luck event - where all participating families bring food. Or, the school hosts the event at school. In cases where there are student events (trips) that parents are paying a fee, the school provides support for students receiving aid.

Well your school is different. At our schools it is common for parents to host the entire grade of parents and pay for the party. Very common. It is a nice gesture. School could never afford that and potlucks are crappy food and a mess for the hosts to deal with in my experience.

Of course all schools are different and there was no judgement in my examples - it was purely an explanation of how our schools have thought though DEI and choose how to handle financial disparity. (which - obviously is still apparent when you go to the hosts' home - even if the school is footing the bill). And yes, the host obviously is still being generous and has to deal with the mess and ready the house for hosting (whether they pay or the school pays and whether there is a pot luck or not).

We only went to one pot luck (a long honored and beloved tradition at that school pre-COVID) - everything was delicious. They keep it to a small number of families and appropriately manage what people bring so that all parts of the meal are represented. They often spoke of returning to these pot lucks after COVID - but didn't before we moved on.

You may think you have good intentions but this is where intentions meet reality and this kind of attitude of demanding equity where it’s not necessary is going to kill these events. There are other ways you can help your school. Hosting events in your home may not be one of them and that’s perfectly ok. We don’t need everybody to do everything.

I am speaking to this exact example below. Not broader rules. I think you are assuming more.


For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

If a parent wants to have a party great.

If parents want to foot the bill for a party for the school great.

But the scenario above was all about how a group of parents were going to hold an event and then one didn't want to pay but still wanted their name on the invitation. This doesn't happen if the school pays for the event. This doesn't happen if the school hosts the event. That's all.

I know many schools operate this way. But if you want to work with a group of parents and one doesn't pay - this isn't a DEI issue. It's an issue of any type of group work (whether that be a school project, a work project etc.) It's life.

What makes it an Equity issue (as PP posted) is if you have tunnel vision and exclude (or judge) people who want to help in hosting a party but don't bring money to the table....but are offering some other helpful skill.

I'm not saying every school needs to impose rules....just giving examples on how the above scenario could be avoided if operating on other guidelines.

I love a nice party at a nice house. I'm not hosting one. I'm not paying for one either. But I also have never had one hosted by a group of families on an invitation. It's always a single family.

I’m not sure that example is even a real example and not a hypothetical. But I’m glad you have a solution to a problem that doesn’t really exist and have tried to make it an equity issue.

Ok - whatever - the PP who typed it is the one who explicitly tied it to equity.

Maybe I should have just told that PP to grow up. If they don't like that one parent wanted to help and be on the invitation and pay less - then they should just move on and not offer to help next time if they don't want to work with just rich people.

The rich people will likely roll their eyes and put the person down as a host because they clearly have a fragile ego. But it’s pretty normal to feel that it’s not right. Most people don’t want their dead beat dad claiming to host their wedding he doesn’t donate a dime to.

Maybe - but if the person offered to help and had skills and time to donate - it seems really immature and entitled to me. Sounds like the person said this up front. Anyway, moving on.

In our experience co hosting this sort of events the only other thing to do is clean up before and clean up after which is paid to housekeepers and caterers so that would be so demeaning to have a parent be the cleaner when all others are not cleaning up because they paid to have someone else do it. PP is cleary not in the same school culture as just doesn't get it which is okay but they should not judge it if they dont understand.

I get it (but I didn't read that this was an example and not a reality). And there are 100% other jobs to do depending on the party being hosted - making this all about house cleaners points even more to your entitlement. For example, even if you are going to outsource everything to "hired vendors" - this person could be the one to take your list of preferred vendors and make all the calls and arrangements. Or, if you don't have a particular vendor, could make the calls and send out info to others with details for the group to choose from.

You are exhausting and do not get it and the owner of the home is making arrangements with ONE caterer who handles all else. There are no vendors per se. Clearly you hav not hosted or thrown parties before or you would know how it is done. You are not in the same school culture which makes me think you are trolling on here.

You are equally exhausting. I am in the same school culture (kids at multiple Big 3). I just view life through a different lens than you do.

Well I dont know if you really are because you mentioned that you have never been to a party for the school parents or student that was co-hosted by several families and if you were in the same school culture then you would have been invited to at least a few of these over the years. We have been to several over the years so I sort of dont know if I believe you.

Then I suppose we are at a different Big 3 - our family hosted parties have only been hosted by a single host family. Not groups of families.

So when do you think the hypothetical would ever be an issue? It couldn’t even happen in your limited experience. And it doesn’t happen in anyone’s experience of multiple hosts. It should’ve been obvious that it wasn’t realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DEI director here. If the school says the event is open to all, believe them. If it was for a specific community within the school, they would say so.

I fully support DEI but the equity part I think can be unrealistic at times and maybe not fair as once we all start comparing our advantages and disadvantages it can get messy.

For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

Not the PP - but from what I've seen at our (3) schools - the school doesn't structure events where a "subset of parents" pay to host a school sanctioned event and then put their names on the invitation.

Examples: Families offer to use their home to host an event but the school pays for it. Families offer to host a pot-luck event - where all participating families bring food. Or, the school hosts the event at school. In cases where there are student events (trips) that parents are paying a fee, the school provides support for students receiving aid.

Well your school is different. At our schools it is common for parents to host the entire grade of parents and pay for the party. Very common. It is a nice gesture. School could never afford that and potlucks are crappy food and a mess for the hosts to deal with in my experience.

Of course all schools are different and there was no judgement in my examples - it was purely an explanation of how our schools have thought though DEI and choose how to handle financial disparity. (which - obviously is still apparent when you go to the hosts' home - even if the school is footing the bill). And yes, the host obviously is still being generous and has to deal with the mess and ready the house for hosting (whether they pay or the school pays and whether there is a pot luck or not).

We only went to one pot luck (a long honored and beloved tradition at that school pre-COVID) - everything was delicious. They keep it to a small number of families and appropriately manage what people bring so that all parts of the meal are represented. They often spoke of returning to these pot lucks after COVID - but didn't before we moved on.

You may think you have good intentions but this is where intentions meet reality and this kind of attitude of demanding equity where it’s not necessary is going to kill these events. There are other ways you can help your school. Hosting events in your home may not be one of them and that’s perfectly ok. We don’t need everybody to do everything.

I am speaking to this exact example below. Not broader rules. I think you are assuming more.


For example, school needs parents to pay and host an event for all parents in a grade. One parent wants to be listed as a host on the invitation but they express they can not pay what the others are paying. Thoughts on this? I think it is unfair and all should pay equally or just not be listed as a host. Thoughts?

If a parent wants to have a party great.

If parents want to foot the bill for a party for the school great.

But the scenario above was all about how a group of parents were going to hold an event and then one didn't want to pay but still wanted their name on the invitation. This doesn't happen if the school pays for the event. This doesn't happen if the school hosts the event. That's all.

I know many schools operate this way. But if you want to work with a group of parents and one doesn't pay - this isn't a DEI issue. It's an issue of any type of group work (whether that be a school project, a work project etc.) It's life.

What makes it an Equity issue (as PP posted) is if you have tunnel vision and exclude (or judge) people who want to help in hosting a party but don't bring money to the table....but are offering some other helpful skill.

I'm not saying every school needs to impose rules....just giving examples on how the above scenario could be avoided if operating on other guidelines.

I love a nice party at a nice house. I'm not hosting one. I'm not paying for one either. But I also have never had one hosted by a group of families on an invitation. It's always a single family.

I’m not sure that example is even a real example and not a hypothetical. But I’m glad you have a solution to a problem that doesn’t really exist and have tried to make it an equity issue.

Ok - whatever - the PP who typed it is the one who explicitly tied it to equity.

Maybe I should have just told that PP to grow up. If they don't like that one parent wanted to help and be on the invitation and pay less - then they should just move on and not offer to help next time if they don't want to work with just rich people.

The rich people will likely roll their eyes and put the person down as a host because they clearly have a fragile ego. But it’s pretty normal to feel that it’s not right. Most people don’t want their dead beat dad claiming to host their wedding he doesn’t donate a dime to.

Maybe - but if the person offered to help and had skills and time to donate - it seems really immature and entitled to me. Sounds like the person said this up front. Anyway, moving on.

In our experience co hosting this sort of events the only other thing to do is clean up before and clean up after which is paid to housekeepers and caterers so that would be so demeaning to have a parent be the cleaner when all others are not cleaning up because they paid to have someone else do it. PP is cleary not in the same school culture as just doesn't get it which is okay but they should not judge it if they dont understand.

I get it (but I didn't read that this was an example and not a reality). And there are 100% other jobs to do depending on the party being hosted - making this all about house cleaners points even more to your entitlement. For example, even if you are going to outsource everything to "hired vendors" - this person could be the one to take your list of preferred vendors and make all the calls and arrangements. Or, if you don't have a particular vendor, could make the calls and send out info to others with details for the group to choose from.

You are exhausting and do not get it and the owner of the home is making arrangements with ONE caterer who handles all else. There are no vendors per se. Clearly you hav not hosted or thrown parties before or you would know how it is done. You are not in the same school culture which makes me think you are trolling on here.

You are equally exhausting. I am in the same school culture (kids at multiple Big 3). I just view life through a different lens than you do.

Well I dont know if you really are because you mentioned that you have never been to a party for the school parents or student that was co-hosted by several families and if you were in the same school culture then you would have been invited to at least a few of these over the years. We have been to several over the years so I sort of dont know if I believe you.

Then I suppose we are at a different Big 3 - our family hosted parties have only been hosted by a single host family. Not groups of families.

So when do you think the hypothetical would ever be an issue? It couldn’t even happen in your limited experience. And it doesn’t happen in anyone’s experience of multiple hosts. It should’ve been obvious that it wasn’t realistic.

It was an earlier poster who put forth the scenario AND that person has come back to say this was a REAL scenario that was offered up by someone (to pay less and be on the invitation) AND that the others rejected the offer. So I am not sure why you are saying this isn't realistic.