Moms can totally control their kids social scenes

[Anonymous]

Pp again. The boy with divorced parents is a really nice kid with superior manners. He is just a really likable kid and I’m glad our boys are friends.

I’m friends with some other moms at my son’s school but our boys aren’t even in the same social circle.

[Anonymous]

Here are things that happen-

Moms who are friends arrange things among themselves. They aren’t thinking about other kids.

Moms who are friends often exchange favors - rides, outings - so when plans are made they are often returning a favor and so the circle of kids is going to be again confined to the mom’s friends kids


Some kids are so obnoxious that moms who out up with these kids in elementary thinking the kids would grow out of it, finally out there foot down and say no more to hosting that kid

Some moms will only host or make plans with kids who live within a certain driving distance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here are things that happen-

Moms who are friends arrange things among themselves. They aren’t thinking about other kids.

Moms who are friends often exchange favors - rides, outings - so when plans are made they are often returning a favor and so the circle of kids is going to be again confined to the mom’s friends kids


Some kids are so obnoxious that moms who out up with these kids in elementary thinking the kids would grow out of it, finally out there foot down and say no more to hosting that kid

Some moms will only host or make plans with kids who live within a certain driving distance

My kids make their own friends. My kids do often hang out more frequently with the kids doing the same activities and ones we carpool with. This is driven by my kids’ friendships and not my own.

This is a tween/teen forum. The mom friendships may have driven kid friendships in preschool and early elementary but this is definitely not the case in middle and high school.

In my experience, a lot of kids excel or drop sports and activities around age 10-11. If your kid isn’t good at soccer or gymnastics or loses interest in scouts, the mom can’t force the kid just because the moms are friends. Friendships are driven by the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are things that happen-

Moms who are friends arrange things among themselves. They aren’t thinking about other kids.

Moms who are friends often exchange favors - rides, outings - so when plans are made they are often returning a favor and so the circle of kids is going to be again confined to the mom’s friends kids


Some kids are so obnoxious that moms who out up with these kids in elementary thinking the kids would grow out of it, finally out there foot down and say no more to hosting that kid

Some moms will only host or make plans with kids who live within a certain driving distance

My kids make their own friends. My kids do often hang out more frequently with the kids doing the same activities and ones we carpool with. This is driven by my kids’ friendships and not my own.

This is a tween/teen forum. The mom friendships may have driven kid friendships in preschool and early elementary but this is definitely not the case in middle and high school.

In my experience, a lot of kids excel or drop sports and activities around age 10-11. If your kid isn’t good at soccer or gymnastics or loses interest in scouts, the mom can’t force the kid just because the moms are friends. Friendships are driven by the kids.

Me again. I am absolutely friendly with my kids’ friends’ parents but they are not my personal adult friends. From an outside perspective, we probably look like we are good friends maybe because we see one another often at sports. We may stand together at school events. We may talk about weekend plans or carpool logistics. I am not trying to exclude anyone. If 3 kids play on the same sports team, those 3 kids will hang out more than the other friend from school who isn’t on the same team. I am just not thinking of the kid or the mom. I don’t think my kid is activitely trying to invite school friend when 3 basketball friends go out to eat before or after practice.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend with a very popular daughter. The daughter organizes and makes plans with various friends. It seems like there is a lot of shifting in friendships. My friend, the mom, hears about the drama but absolutely is not driving any of it. She is more focused on her adult problems, not the petty jealousy of teen girls. From what I hear, usually one girl is perceived as annoying or less cool and gets left behind. This is what the girls think. Moms don’t care. Come on. Moms are not leaving some teen girl behind. If my daughter is begging for her friend to come, the mom has to oblige.

[Anonymous]

Friendships ebb and flow in the tween/teen years. I have one kid in high school, one in middle school and one in elementary. My teen makes all his own plans and I’m no longer involved besides driving him. My middle school son doesn’t have a phone so he texts friends’ moms using my phone in attempts to make plans. My youngest I definitely am very involved.

Kids change a lot during puberty. They become totally different people. Your child may not be included but I would not assume the mom is the one excluding your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your kid excluded? There is usually a reason. Is it behavior? Is it personality?

It's almost always income and status related. And I know you know it.

No. It’s about who’s popular, who’s attractive, who’s socially advanced, who knows what to wear.

If you have a child who is socially very awkward and maybe has a weight problem, bad hair, she would always be an outsider no matter how rich her parents might be. Because to these psycho moms appearance is everything

Were these moms popular themselves and this is just an extension of their glory days? Or the opposite? Btw- My DD was awkward and had like one friend in ES. I was very scared for MS. And then she found her people in MS. They are quirky, love books, play music, and want to get good grades. It’s awesome.

[Anonymous]

I echo what some pp’s have said: kids seem to spend time together in MS based on common activities. For example my MS son spends a lot of time with kids from his travel sports team (some of who go to the same school but are not his closest friends)- and less time with his closest friends from school (who play different sports or are into different activities). Hearing about weekend plans or seeing pics on social media- one might think he is close with these teammates or that we are close with the parents. Dinners or activities together etc. This is really not the case. Just friendly acquaintances thrown together. DS and his closest friends from school occasionally get together but all tend to be busy with their respective sports and activities.

Proximity also can play a role…my middle school DD often has get last minute get togethers or carpools etc with a few friends that live close to us (walking distance or < 5min drive). For these last minute get togethers, other friends are sometimes not invited as it really complicates the plans. Some live 20+min away and carpooling is more of a challenge.

[Anonymous]

Moms have a huge impact on tweens because they hold the strings - money, Comms, transportation. Some are good about not influencing tweens but a lot are equally involved. I know both types but OPs absolutely correct that if you meet the wrong one, totally 100%, do not fool yourself that the kid your kid is with has any say in that relationship. I've def seen it happen. Even borderline relationships where neighborhood girls who were great together who went to to separate schools for MS, if us moms stayed better friends I guarantee our girls would be closer than they are now. And even my kid wants to do more with the other as sometimes she misses her, and encouragement from the other mom prob would allow the reconnection but the other mom has moved in from me. I'm pretty sure the other girl given a couple connections to who my girl knows feels same way but we never hear from her directly. I stay out if it and ultimately my kid needs to figure out what she wants but just saying def moms at age 11-12 can strongly influence kids' relationships. They are the adults and ultimately make all the decisions as they see fit. It depends on what kind of person they are so your kid choosing their friends isn't really true

[Anonymous]

I never understand these posts. I witness all these parents who complain their child is lonely or neglected by social groups or outcast. Why? Like really, have you tried to study your child from an outsider’s view?

I teach kids and they can be cruel and mean to one another for many reasons, none of which are fair. But as a parent, it is your job to make your child likeable! Are they cheerful, generous, kind, funny, dressed nicely, listen to adults? If any of those things still need to be worked on, work on those! Parents have this notion that everyone needs to be included and the truth is that only works until kids are old enough to choose their own friendships. Hopefully you don’t waste your time complaining about mean moms and help your child become someone other kids want to be with and other parents love having around their kids.

[Anonymous]

I’m a nice mom or a very inclusive mom. I was an invite the whole class type party thrower. I encouraged my kids to be nice to the special needs classmate. I have my kids invite the boys(s) he never talked to because I don’t want the 2 boys in class to feel left out.

At some point, kids make their own close friends. I can’t invite everyone forever. Hangouts consist of less and less kids. I am totally not involved in who my son is hanging out with at ages 12 and 14. Maybe it is different with girls but with the boys, it seems really about personality. I don’t think my son is hanging out or not hanging out with someone because he has a single mom or doesn’t have the right clothes.

I heard another mom speak of a mutual mom we know saying her goal was to have her kids be popular and hang out with only other popular kids. I don’t see her that way at all. She is always shuffling her kids around.

[Anonymous]

Meant to say she is always just shuffling her 3 kids around. I also have 3 kids and busy driving them to all their sports and activities. I’m not behind the scenes strategically picking who is cool and not cool and leaving some kid out because the mom is single or fat or frumpy.

I will text a mom if my kid requests. When kids were younger, I would try to do outings with MY friends or get together. Now I get together with moms alone and kids don’t come. I really can’t remember the last time I hung out with MY friend and HER teen together the way we hung out when kids were in kindergarten.it isn’t like we are doing play dates.

[Anonymous]

Your blame seems to be misplaced. If your daughter was one the main girls in a group or someone’s BFF, she would not be left out. She likely is on the edge of the group and it may be very upsetting for her to be left out but doubtful the moms are the ones purposely excluding her.

My kids all have their top 1-2 friends. They would normally pick the same 2 people every time. They then have another close group of probably 3-5 friends.

For example, my kids invite their top 1-2 friends to anything and everything. They come over often. Then sometimes we invite 1-2 more kids. I can think of 2 kids I usually don’t oe always don’t invite because that would be too many people and/or I can’t fit that many kids.

[Anonymous]

*fit that many kids in my car.

It is easy to bring 1-2 kids. I have my own 3 kids as well. I am guessing when my youngest is a tween, I will be able to host and drive 3-4 girls instead of 1-2 now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moms have a huge impact on tweens because they hold the strings - money, Comms, transportation. Some are good about not influencing tweens but a lot are equally involved. I know both types but OPs absolutely correct that if you meet the wrong one, totally 100%, do not fool yourself that the kid your kid is with has any say in that relationship. I've def seen it happen. Even borderline relationships where neighborhood girls who were great together who went to to separate schools for MS, if us moms stayed better friends I guarantee our girls would be closer than they are now. And even my kid wants to do more with the other as sometimes she misses her, and encouragement from the other mom prob would allow the reconnection but the other mom has moved in from me. I'm pretty sure the other girl given a couple connections to who my girl knows feels same way but we never hear from her directly. I stay out if it and ultimately my kid needs to figure out what she wants but just saying def moms at age 11-12 can strongly influence kids' relationships. They are the adults and ultimately make all the decisions as they see fit. It depends on what kind of person they are so your kid choosing their friends isn't really true

THIS!!! Look, it's easy for moms to control the scene. VERY EASY. DD wants to go to Starbucks with Y but I don't like Y as a kid, it's super easy to say no to this. DD wants to do camp with X but I don't like X or her mom, i act wishy washy when they approach me about camp plans. DD wants Z to come over for dinner/sleepover but I dont like Z--- guess what the answer is going to be???????? You got it. This happens all the time and with enough NOs from either direction, the kids stop trying to hang with one another. BOOM--mom success in controlling her kids social life!!!!!!!!!!! When there is seemingly no reason for this distance, especially if kids were very close at one point and MOM allowed this stuff, then it can be cruel and mom becomes the meanest girl in MS.


Not sure why everyone is so defensive about this.