Moms can totally control their kids social scenes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I teach kids and they can be cruel and mean to one another for many reasons, none of which are fair. But as a parent, it is your job to make your child likeable! Are they cheerful, generous, kind, funny, dressed nicely, listen to adults? If any of those things still need to be worked on, work on those! Parents have this notion that everyone needs to be included and the truth is that only works until kids are old enough to choose their own friendships. Hopefully you don’t waste your time complaining about mean moms and help your child become someone other kids want to be with and other parents love having around their kids.

As the parent of a child with ASD and ADHD, this literally ruined my morning. We've done everything (therapy, social skills classes, medication) and he's not a neurotypical person, and thus, less likable to many. He does listen to adults, and can be generous and funny and kind at times, but can't do them consistently. Nor is he generally especially cheerful or nicely dressed (due to sensory issues).

+1 I feel for you and that PP is an ass. My kid with medically documented neurological issues is not likeable to most people either. F*** 'em.

I am not sure why you are so offended. This thread is about middle school moms controlling kids’ social lives. I was not the pp but I posted previously that my kids drive their social plans, not the moms.

For the record, I have one very popular kid, one shy introvert and one in the middle. Moms may drive social plans in elementary but not in middle or high school. I don’t think the pp is wrong in trying to have kid be more likable and not blaming other moms for not including a kid who is left out.

I am the hang out house. I let my kids have 1-2 kids over at a time. Sometimes that group grows to 3-4 and at max 5. I am not picking these kids to invite. There are a few kids who are poorly behaved that I prefer not to come. This has nothing to do with coolness or popularity.

A parent's job is NOT to make their kids likable. Full stop. Kids who are "weird" because they are on the spectrum or have ADHD, OCD, and other issues cannot be made likable. They will always be annoying and weird to a large segment of the population, they will always be excluded by moms who carefully curate their normal children's social lives to shield them from weird kids who make them feel weird. Parents of kids with neurological problems that make them weird are venting and pushing back, and if you don't like it, bite our collective ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your kid excluded? There is usually a reason. Is it behavior? Is it personality?

This is a really misguided way of thinking. Oftentimes there is no clear or a good reason for a kid being excluded. Groups of kids bond by leaving others out, which strengthens their own sense of being together. The kids on the outside could simply be less aggressive socially, or less outgoing or less athletic, new to the school, whatever. They might look different or act differently. But there is often simply no good or obvious reason for it, apart from human nature being pretty crappy. Your question suggests that there's something wrong with the kid being excluded

+1

It’s so horrible. And the moms know and don’t do anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your kid excluded? There is usually a reason. Is it behavior? Is it personality?

This is a really misguided way of thinking. Oftentimes there is no clear or a good reason for a kid being excluded. Groups of kids bond by leaving others out, which strengthens their own sense of being together. The kids on the outside could simply be less aggressive socially, or less outgoing or less athletic, new to the school, whatever. They might look different or act differently. But there is often simply no good or obvious reason for it, apart from human nature being pretty crappy. Your question suggests that there's something wrong with the kid being excluded

+1

It’s so horrible. And the moms know and don’t do anything about it.

I asked 2 pages ago if these moms just view their kids social life as an extension of their own and the more some
of them respond, it becomes clearer why some kids buy into the whole popularity thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I teach kids and they can be cruel and mean to one another for many reasons, none of which are fair. But as a parent, it is your job to make your child likeable! Are they cheerful, generous, kind, funny, dressed nicely, listen to adults? If any of those things still need to be worked on, work on those! Parents have this notion that everyone needs to be included and the truth is that only works until kids are old enough to choose their own friendships. Hopefully you don’t waste your time complaining about mean moms and help your child become someone other kids want to be with and other parents love having around their kids.

As the parent of a child with ASD and ADHD, this literally ruined my morning. We've done everything (therapy, social skills classes, medication) and he's not a neurotypical person, and thus, less likable to many. He does listen to adults, and can be generous and funny and kind at times, but can't do them consistently. Nor is he generally especially cheerful or nicely dressed (due to sensory issues).

+1 I feel for you and that PP is an ass. My kid with medically documented neurological issues is not likeable to most people either. F*** 'em.

The bolded. You can completely disregard someone who makes such moronic statements. As a parent, it's my job to help my kid be a decent, productive citizen *to the best of her/his ability*. Cheerful? Bite me.

+3

And the disgusting POS is a teacher! She wouldn’t have a problem with my kids, but I would make her life hell(I’m an “organizer”, discriminate against bad kids(and teachers), and they’re often the ones she calls “likeable”).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your kid excluded? There is usually a reason. Is it behavior? Is it personality?

OP - it isn’t either as far as I can tell. Girls still get along great. I am a single parent so I think our family is viewed as broken for no great reason. Like I said, mean mom stuff

Sorry being a single mom is not an excuse. There are plenty of kids with divorced parents at my kid's MS (and even more for my older kid in HS) and there's no connection with exclusion so don't blame your kids issues on that. You're probably sending your kid negative messages on that topic and creating issues if you think that way.

+1

It’s an easy excuse rather than trying to figure out what the actual issue is.

My son is good friends with a boy with divorced parents. The boy is very popular. Other parents always have to pick him up and they rarely host but the kid has a ton of friends. I don’t think it is a single mom or divorced mom thing. There is another boy in the group with a single mom. These two boys are the two most popular boys. They are tall, good looking, extremely athletic and very social. Good looks plus superior athletic ability makes boys popular, not the mom’s relationship status.

You’re painting all girls with the same brush, shallow. Plus not every boy who plays a sport in school is Tom Brady or a heartthrob in a 90s movie. Most aren’t. There are many traits that kids have that attract friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moms have a huge impact on tweens because they hold the strings - money, Comms, transportation. Some are good about not influencing tweens but a lot are equally involved. I know both types but OPs absolutely correct that if you meet the wrong one, totally 100%, do not fool yourself that the kid your kid is with has any say in that relationship. I've def seen it happen. Even borderline relationships where neighborhood girls who were great together who went to to separate schools for MS, if us moms stayed better friends I guarantee our girls would be closer than they are now. And even my kid wants to do more with the other as sometimes she misses her, and encouragement from the other mom prob would allow the reconnection but the other mom has moved in from me. I'm pretty sure the other girl given a couple connections to who my girl knows feels same way but we never hear from her directly. I stay out if it and ultimately my kid needs to figure out what she wants but just saying def moms at age 11-12 can strongly influence kids' relationships. They are the adults and ultimately make all the decisions as they see fit. It depends on what kind of person they are so your kid choosing their friends isn't really true

THIS!!! Look, it's easy for moms to control the scene. VERY EASY. DD wants to go to Starbucks with Y but I don't like Y as a kid, it's super easy to say no to this. DD wants to do camp with X but I don't like X or her mom, i act wishy washy when they approach me about camp plans. DD wants Z to come over for dinner/sleepover but I dont like Z--- guess what the answer is going to be???????? You got it. This happens all the time and with enough NOs from either direction, the kids stop trying to hang with one another. BOOM--mom success in controlling her kids social life!!!!!!!!!!! When there is seemingly no reason for this distance, especially if kids were very close at one point and MOM allowed this stuff, then it can be cruel and mom becomes the meanest girl in MS.


Not sure why everyone is so defensive about this.

I don’t think the Op was about saying NO to bad influence or annoying kids or friends.
It was about pushing certain friendships via moms arranging and monopolizing time via sleepovers, same activities/teams, standing playdates, trips.

[Anonymous]

Once the Mom pushes such a schedule on their targeted friend group, there’s no room for anything else. Success!

I’ve seen this done to kids of famous athletes or people at our school as well. But that - divying up the rec team so your kid is on the A team with the popular kid or famous family - stops working at the try out level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I teach kids and they can be cruel and mean to one another for many reasons, none of which are fair. But as a parent, it is your job to make your child likeable! Are they cheerful, generous, kind, funny, dressed nicely, listen to adults? If any of those things still need to be worked on, work on those! Parents have this notion that everyone needs to be included and the truth is that only works until kids are old enough to choose their own friendships. Hopefully you don’t waste your time complaining about mean moms and help your child become someone other kids want to be with and other parents love having around their kids.

As the parent of a child with ASD and ADHD, this literally ruined my morning. We've done everything (therapy, social skills classes, medication) and he's not a neurotypical person, and thus, less likable to many. He does listen to adults, and can be generous and funny and kind at times, but can't do them consistently. Nor is he generally especially cheerful or nicely dressed (due to sensory issues).

+1 I feel for you and that PP is an ass. My kid with medically documented neurological issues is not likeable to most people either. F*** 'em.

I am not sure why you are so offended. This thread is about middle school moms controlling kids’ social lives. I was not the pp but I posted previously that my kids drive their social plans, not the moms.

For the record, I have one very popular kid, one shy introvert and one in the middle. Moms may drive social plans in elementary but not in middle or high school. I don’t think the pp is wrong in trying to have kid be more likable and not blaming other moms for not including a kid who is left out.

I am the hang out house. I let my kids have 1-2 kids over at a time. Sometimes that group grows to 3-4 and at max 5. I am not picking these kids to invite. There are a few kids who are poorly behaved that I prefer not to come. This has nothing to do with coolness or popularity.

A parent's job is NOT to make their kids likable. Full stop. Kids who are "weird" because they are on the spectrum or have ADHD, OCD, and other issues cannot be made likable. They will always be annoying and weird to a large segment of the population, they will always be excluded by moms who carefully curate their normal children's social lives to shield them from weird kids who make them feel weird. Parents of kids with neurological problems that make them weird are venting and pushing back, and if you don't like it, bite our collective ass.

Your anger seems misguided. I’m sure you are frustrated but I’m not sure who you are getting upset at.

I was a shy nerdy kid. I didn’t go to homecoming or any pep rallies. I sometimes sat alone reading a book instead of going to the cafeteria. Eventually, I fit in. I would prefer to just stay home but I make effort. I just suffered through some parent night for my kid’s new school. The head of school just told us all to come to homecoming. I didn’t even want to go these things when I was a teen. I definitely do not want to go as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I overheard this conversation at the orthodonist this morning "I need to know which college my daughter is going to so I can start making friends and make rush easier for her" ugh do moms really do this?

Puke. What a goal.


Was this in the south?

They need to rush for the right sorority so they can be married off at age 24 to a guy from the right fraternity. That’s all. Don’t worry about grades or jobs or a real career.

[Anonymous]

When you exert too much control over which kids your kids are allowed to socialize with and which ones they aren't, it makes it harder for them to develop their own powers of discernment. Kids need to learn through direct experience how to handle bad friendships, and how to be friends with people outside of their parents' small social/cultural bubble. Upper-caste Indian, Orthodox Jewish, and new money WASP parents tend to be the most controlling in my experience. Then they get mad when their early 20-something college grad doesn't get into a top law or med school because their sheltered bubble-child has zero cultural awareness.

[Anonymous]

Grow up everyone.

Once 8th grade starts you gotta go meet all the boy moms, since the kids hang out coed style. Woo hoo!

[Anonymous]

The key is helping your kid find their own tribe - kind friends that value who they are. If you can do this, the mean girl stuff disappears. Way too much emphasis is placed on small groups of kids that dominate the social scene. Friend groups are by nature small and cannot include "everybody". There are lots of friends to go around. Focus on finding them, not mean girls and mean moms and whatever gossip that is out there.

[Anonymous]

It’s so sad that the moms think nothing of excluding others and influence their daughters to exclude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The key is helping your kid find their own tribe - kind friends that value who they are. If you can do this, the mean girl stuff disappears. Way too much emphasis is placed on small groups of kids that dominate the social scene. Friend groups are by nature small and cannot include "everybody". There are lots of friends to go around. Focus on finding them, not mean girls and mean moms and whatever gossip that is out there.

Yes agreed. I don't understand why popularity is the goal. There is a different between being liked and finding a group of friends vs. worrying about fitting in with the "in" group. Are these the same moms who obsess about fitting in as adults (and thus all the threads about UMC lifestyles)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grow up everyone.

Once 8th grade starts you gotta go meet all the boy moms, since the kids hang out coed style. Woo hoo!

When I was a teen, my mom was not meeting the boys or the boys parents. Parents were not involved at all in my social life.

In middle school, I was not invited to anything. I was involved at school. Maybe parents did drive the social outings and I didn’t make the cut. In high school, my friends and I made plans and parents were not involved.