Another family beach house story: is this odd to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like inlaws have assumed that you and your dh have assumed the role of the previous grandparents with the large house who (I assume) did everything they are now asking of you.

Does your dh secretly want to take over from the grandparents with a larger house and be the "big man" who treats everyone and you have to help him? Because that's what it sounds like.

I agree, but even then, it is super weird to demand a big breakfast. Although that does not really ring true. How could they demand to eat food that was not there. If OP’s family eats simple breakfasts, why would there be food to make all that stuff?

Maybe they are assuming that OP and her husband did bring bacon and eggs because grandma always had them ready to make a big breakfast. I agree with others having others treat the home that OP rented is not such a big deal. The food thing sounds awful. I would make a plan with DH about how you want to approach the rest of the family and then set some boundaries: "I know nana always ran the kitchen during beach week, but we aren't up for doing all the cooking. Let's make a plan for next year. Do you want adults to sign up to make meals for the whole group or should it be every person for themselves?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like inlaws have assumed that you and your dh have assumed the role of the previous grandparents with the large house who (I assume) did everything they are now asking of you.

Does your dh secretly want to take over from the grandparents with a larger house and be the "big man" who treats everyone and you have to help him? Because that's what it sounds like.

This.

[Anonymous]

During this whole time, you never confronted SIL about how inappropriate it was to treat your rented house in this way? What was her response? I’m curious how someone can feel this entitled.

[Anonymous]

The OP’s original question was is this normal? The answer OP is that it is not okay. Too bad the first time this happened you did not say, cooking for others is not a vacation, I am on vacation. Or thanks for stopping by Susie SIL and friends of hersu, maybe we will meet you outside after you have dinner at your lovely aunts house. Oh, what did you bring to cook in the kitchen at this house? Did you bring enough for you 4 and the 8 of us here? We did not plan for 12 for dinner. Say this in front of the others, very matter of fact. Reasonable to all who hear this.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The inlaws were standing outside our bedrooms, in the house waiting for my husband to come and entertain them. My MIL has never got out of bed before 10 am as she's an alcoholic. Even when DH and SIL were kids. I don't care what time someone wakes up, but don't expect me to cook you a big breakfast at 10 am when everyone else ate at 8 and we are on vacation. I do like entertaining as does DH. DH tries to keep family traditions alive and yes, loves hosting. We are builing a big beach house to accomodate family.

My kids gave them the code to the house. My five year old. He was excited. We never told him. He observed it and my older son read it in the book from the owners.

I feel equally bad for my husband's aunt, who has a lovely home, but does not want to host a ton of people either. She actually sent me a text about it.

I did confront my sister in law about inviting guests and my BIL and FIL about being in the house, hanging out when no one is home.

For me, DH, and majority of our family, working out is fun and we are doing it early before the heat. It's 90-100 degrees at the beach.

I would make ham sandwiches for everyone, but I made a specific amount for the kids and the ILs ONLY ate the kids sandwiches, not the sandwiches for adults that had condiments, etc.

I did send a text at the beginning of the week saying I'd make sandwiches everyday, I was not taking orders except for kids who aren't old enough to make their sandwiches. I did take orders for beer, wine and liquor before we went. We had a shared list and we sent a schedule with what we planned on doing (exercise, beach, family time, time alone or sightseeing).

I did have a conversation with my DH as did his uncle, cousins and my sister and BIL. He is a people pleaser and seriously would work himself to death to make others feel appreciated. One of the things I realized going into my marriage was that my DH was impressed by my hosting skills and that I was social. I am not a natural extrovert and it is exhausting. However, it is the only thing my DH asks of me all year, so I think in the future, I will set boundaries and use the script someone else posted.

[Anonymous]

Is this odd to me?

- Getting up at 5 am to work out? Yes, this is odd to me as I am on vacation and prefer walks on the beach and swimming
- Going to bed at 9 pm so I can work out at 5? - Odd to me. Our family/friends stay up late playing games and socializing, which is why we are on vacation together
- Gathering at the largest house? - Not odd to me at all
- Cooking on demand for others? - No way. We either have a rough meal plan or task each couple/family with planning and executing a meal. We do make bacon and eggs one morning for breakfast and pancakes. Cereal, fruit, toast etc available to anyone.
- Sandwiches on the beach? - Yes, but no special orders. I do turkey and cheese and ham and cheese, period. If you or your kid need or want something special, you need to make and label it yourself. (In practice I will make special sandwiches but there aren't many requests in our group.)
- Sharing booze and food - Not odd if it's been agreed to ahead of time. We use Splitr to split grocery costs and everyone has to be okay with kicking in for stuff they don't actually use. I don't drink liquor, for example, but we bring rum and tequila for those who drink it. It works out for us.

Communication is key. Sounds like your husband wants to make this work, so I salute you for trying to figure out how not to lose your sanity in the meantime. I agree with those who say maybe a shorter stay for you would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like inlaws have assumed that you and your dh have assumed the role of the previous grandparents with the large house who (I assume) did everything they are now asking of you.

Does your dh secretly want to take over from the grandparents with a larger house and be the "big man" who treats everyone and you have to help him? Because that's what it sounds like.

I agree, but even then, it is super weird to demand a big breakfast. Although that does not really ring true. How could they demand to eat food that was not there. If OP’s family eats simple breakfasts, why would there be food to make all that stuff?

Maybe they are assuming that OP and her husband did bring bacon and eggs because grandma always had them ready to make a big breakfast. I agree with others having others treat the home that OP rented is not such a big deal. The food thing sounds awful. I would make a plan with DH about how you want to approach the rest of the family and then set some boundaries: "I know nana always ran the kitchen during beach week, but we aren't up for doing all the cooking. Let's make a plan for next year. Do you want adults to sign up to make meals for the whole group or should it be every person for themselves?"

I mean ... it's one thing to send the kids over to play at the bigger rental. It's a much different thing to invite your own friends over to host a dinner there, without discussing it with the actual renter!

[Anonymous]

When inviting other people to beach for ten days, you are upfront about everything. "I'm in vacation and will not be cooking. There will be food for simple breakfasts--bagels, yoghurt, bananas, raisin toast for those staying at house we rented. You eat at house where you sleep. No maid service so clean up after yourselves."

I would not call it a vacation with the number of people involved with you. More like an extended family reunion and this always spells trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The inlaws were standing outside our bedrooms, in the house waiting for my husband to come and entertain them. My MIL has never got out of bed before 10 am as she's an alcoholic. Even when DH and SIL were kids. I don't care what time someone wakes up, but don't expect me to cook you a big breakfast at 10 am when everyone else ate at 8 and we are on vacation. I do like entertaining as does DH. DH tries to keep family traditions alive and yes, loves hosting. We are builing a big beach house to accomodate family.

My kids gave them the code to the house. My five year old. He was excited. We never told him. He observed it and my older son read it in the book from the owners.

I feel equally bad for my husband's aunt, who has a lovely home, but does not want to host a ton of people either. She actually sent me a text about it.

I did confront my sister in law about inviting guests and my BIL and FIL about being in the house, hanging out when no one is home.

For me, DH, and majority of our family, working out is fun and we are doing it early before the heat. It's 90-100 degrees at the beach.

I would make ham sandwiches for everyone, but I made a specific amount for the kids and the ILs ONLY ate the kids sandwiches, not the sandwiches for adults that had condiments, etc.

I did send a text at the beginning of the week saying I'd make sandwiches everyday, I was not taking orders except for kids who aren't old enough to make their sandwiches. I did take orders for beer, wine and liquor before we went. We had a shared list and we sent a schedule with what we planned on doing (exercise, beach, family time, time alone or sightseeing).

I did have a conversation with my DH as did his uncle, cousins and my sister and BIL. He is a people pleaser and seriously would work himself to death to make others feel appreciated. One of the things I realized going into my marriage was that my DH was impressed by my hosting skills and that I was social. I am not a natural extrovert and it is exhausting. However, it is the only thing my DH asks of me all year, so I think in the future, I will set boundaries and use the script someone else posted.

Okay, getting a picture. From one member of a dysfunctional family to another. Their actions won't make sense. They won't be polite. Just save yourself and your kids. That might mean not vacationing with them. For me it means ignoring all the ridiculous or just being blunt and saying "I have no idea why you expected that I'd be cooking you a huge breakfast but that's not part of my plan." or "I don't know why you decided to make a huge dinner when I said we are going out. Please put the leftovers in the fridge. See ya."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“What makes you think I’m in charge of making you lunch?”
“What makes you think it’s ok to host an event at our beach rental without asking? And then without preparing anything?”
“What makes you think I want to make tacos? What makes you think you get to decide what’s for dinner without checking with the rest of us?”
Etc. Your husband doesn’t seem to care they treat your house like their house.

These are very good scripts. Tone is key. Don’t say them in an exasperated, confrontational tone. See if you can pull off asking them with an astonished, curious tone.

Agreed.

I like the idea behind these lines but the "what makes you think..." comes off really aggresive.

Keeping it simpler, more direct is probably best: "Sorry, not in charge of everyone's lunch." or "Sure, tacos sound great. I'll eat whatever you're cookng"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The inlaws were standing outside our bedrooms, in the house waiting for my husband to come and entertain them. My MIL has never got out of bed before 10 am as she's an alcoholic. Even when DH and SIL were kids. I don't care what time someone wakes up, but don't expect me to cook you a big breakfast at 10 am when everyone else ate at 8 and we are on vacation. I do like entertaining as does DH. DH tries to keep family traditions alive and yes, loves hosting. We are builing a big beach house to accomodate family.

My kids gave them the code to the house. My five year old. He was excited. We never told him. He observed it and my older son read it in the book from the owners.

I feel equally bad for my husband's aunt, who has a lovely home, but does not want to host a ton of people either. She actually sent me a text about it.

I did confront my sister in law about inviting guests and my BIL and FIL about being in the house, hanging out when no one is home.

For me, DH, and majority of our family, working out is fun and we are doing it early before the heat. It's 90-100 degrees at the beach.

I would make ham sandwiches for everyone, but I made a specific amount for the kids and the ILs ONLY ate the kids sandwiches, not the sandwiches for adults that had condiments, etc.

I did send a text at the beginning of the week saying I'd make sandwiches everyday, I was not taking orders except for kids who aren't old enough to make their sandwiches. I did take orders for beer, wine and liquor before we went. We had a shared list and we sent a schedule with what we planned on doing (exercise, beach, family time, time alone or sightseeing).

I did have a conversation with my DH as did his uncle, cousins and my sister and BIL. He is a people pleaser and seriously would work himself to death to make others feel appreciated. One of the things I realized going into my marriage was that my DH was impressed by my hosting skills and that I was social. I am not a natural extrovert and it is exhausting. However, it is the only thing my DH asks of me all year, so I think in the future, I will set boundaries and use the script someone else posted.

That’s not going to end well.

[Anonymous]

This is your fault for not labeling the sandwiches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Need a TL;DR please.

OP and her DH have different hosting vacation styles. His family operates under the principle that what's yours is mine, seemingly with no regard to pitching in or making and sticking to plans. OP is more structured and was frustrated by the assumption that every bit of food and drink in their vacation house or in their coolers on the beach are a free for all.

OP, I am pretty much on your side here. If your husband was ok with his family acting the way they did then he should have been the one that catered to their needs. I find it bizarre that they treated the beach house like their beach house. It's a weird assumption to make and it's incredibly inconsiderate not to re-stock wine or other beverages or just take sandwiches that someone else made without asking if it's ok to take one.

My husband comes from a family of five kids. There's rarely enough for seconds at a family meal because they inhale food, and no one makes any apology or really thinks about leaving food for others if they are being served first. That said, there's no way any of them would rummage in a cooler of sandwiches they knew someone else made for the beach without asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need a TL;DR please.

OP and her DH have different hosting vacation styles. His family operates under the principle that what's yours is mine, seemingly with no regard to pitching in or making and sticking to plans. OP is more structured and was frustrated by the assumption that every bit of food and drink in their vacation house or in their coolers on the beach are a free for all.

OP, I am pretty much on your side here. If your husband was ok with his family acting the way they did then he should have been the one that catered to their needs. I find it bizarre that they treated the beach house like their beach house. It's a weird assumption to make and it's incredibly inconsiderate not to re-stock wine or other beverages or just take sandwiches that someone else made without asking if it's ok to take one.

My husband comes from a family of five kids. There's rarely enough for seconds at a family meal because they inhale food, and no one makes any apology or really thinks about leaving food for others if they are being served first. That said, there's no way any of them would rummage in a cooler of sandwiches they knew someone else made for the beach without asking.

OP needs to hand this awkwardness right over to her DH. All requests need to be referred to him so that he can deal with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like inlaws have assumed that you and your dh have assumed the role of the previous grandparents with the large house who (I assume) did everything they are now asking of you.

Does your dh secretly want to take over from the grandparents with a larger house and be the "big man" who treats everyone and you have to help him? Because that's what it sounds like.

This.

Did op answer this question? It sounds on the nose.