Another family beach house story: is this odd to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need a TL;DR please.

OP and her DH have different hosting vacation styles. His family operates under the principle that what's yours is mine, seemingly with no regard to pitching in or making and sticking to plans. OP is more structured and was frustrated by the assumption that every bit of food and drink in their vacation house or in their coolers on the beach are a free for all.

OP, I am pretty much on your side here. If your husband was ok with his family acting the way they did then he should have been the one that catered to their needs. I find it bizarre that they treated the beach house like their beach house. It's a weird assumption to make and it's incredibly inconsiderate not to re-stock wine or other beverages or just take sandwiches that someone else made without asking if it's ok to take one.

My husband comes from a family of five kids. There's rarely enough for seconds at a family meal because they inhale food, and no one makes any apology or really thinks about leaving food for others if they are being served first. That said, there's no way any of them would rummage in a cooler of sandwiches they knew someone else made for the beach without asking.

OP needs to hand this awkwardness right over to her DH. All requests need to be referred to him so that he can deal with them.

Yup - tell DH that his family's style differs from what you expected so you're going to let him do the planning/execution since he understands it better. When the kids have no sandwiches for lunch - go ask dad what the plan is. When family wants a big breakfast - I just planned for fruit and bagels so ask Son/Dad what the plan is. He needs to see that hosting is work.

[Anonymous]

I posted this in the wrong thread but I think a big part of the problem is that you chose to rent a house right next door to the family beach house and that you chose to share your rental with an odd hodgepodge of people - your DH's uncle and your sister? Weird, and not surprising people are treating it as an extension of the family beach house on a family vacation.

Next time rent a smaller place for nuclear family only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted this in the wrong thread but I think a big part of the problem is that you chose to rent a house right next door to the family beach house and that you chose to share your rental with an odd hodgepodge of people - your DH's uncle and your sister? Weird, and not surprising people are treating it as an extension of the family beach house on a family vacation.

Next time rent a smaller place for nuclear family only.

PP here to add that it's wrong of them to expect you to cook breakfast or pack beach lunches for them - no excuses for that. But I can absolutely see why they're assuming the bigger house is fair game for hanging out.

[Anonymous]

God I am glad I am not obligated to do vacations like this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like inlaws have assumed that you and your dh have assumed the role of the previous grandparents with the large house who (I assume) did everything they are now asking of you.

Does your dh secretly want to take over from the grandparents with a larger house and be the "big man" who treats everyone and you have to help him? Because that's what it sounds like.

I agree, but even then, it is super weird to demand a big breakfast. Although that does not really ring true. How could they demand to eat food that was not there. If OP’s family eats simple breakfasts, why would there be food to make all that stuff?

Maybe they are assuming that OP and her husband did bring bacon and eggs because grandma always had them ready to make a big breakfast. I agree with others having others treat the home that OP rented is not such a big deal. The food thing sounds awful. I would make a plan with DH about how you want to approach the rest of the family and then set some boundaries: "I know nana always ran the kitchen during beach week, but we aren't up for doing all the cooking. Let's make a plan for next year. Do you want adults to sign up to make meals for the whole group or should it be every person for themselves?"

Also, who eats this much food at breakfast? I assume these people are also having additional meals later in the day. How can they eat this much? Eating must be their hobby. I bet these people are huge!

[Anonymous]

OP, so your husband is a big people pleaser for everyone, except you, meaning he will expect you to unreasonably bend for his family's demands, but not be concerned about whether he is pleasing you and what you want.

I married someone like this without knowing he was like this. It can be exhausting. I had to set really firm boundaries with my inlaws (who are divorced so everything has to be done twice).

You have to say no. You have to be clear. Or else everyone will use you like a doormat and thing it's NBD.

BTW, where is the uncle in all of this. Whose brother is he (your MIL or FIL)? Why not have him tell his sibling to stop.

[Anonymous]

I am very similar to your DH! I love big family get-together and the random hanging out with different combinations of people. I just wanted to say to OP that you are very kind to indulge this gathering! My wife does not enjoy my large, loud and ADHD extended family and so I am extra appreciative of her efforts to support it. Sometimes this means that I take the kids and go by myself while my wife has a quiet weekend at home, or she joins us halfway through the trip. This works well because by the second half of the trip, everyone else has already figured out the basic logistics and it makes my wife less crazy when she arrives. I’m also not the caretaker in our house so it’s good for me to be solely responsible for the kids sometimes in these situations too.

I know that it’s crazy and disorganized by but mom is terminally I’ll and my dad can’t travel, so I am very sentimental about the time with my aunts and uncles and cousins and their kids. All of that to say, maybe a compromise like this might make things more palatable for OP—you’re very generous!

[Anonymous]

It IS odd that your IL’s decided to have a dinner party in your rental without running it by you first, then became annoyed that you hadn’t started appetizers. Unless I’m misunderstanding?

[Anonymous]

No boundaries! WTH! ?!?