Help me help my ADHD middle schooler

[Anonymous]

My middle schooler has ADHD and it manifests as a lack of organization and impulse control. Our son was diagnosed this summer.

I want to help him be successful in school this year without being a helicopter parent. He is smart but lazy about doing his homework and studying for tests.

Last year (also middle school), after we found out that he wasn't doing any of his homework, my DH went on Google classroom every night and compared what the teachers assigned to what our son had done and made our son complete the rest of his homework.

I do NOT want to be a helicopter parent, and I don't think what my DH did last year was helpful (we disagreed vehemently and I finally gave up) because that's not going to be possible in college/real life. My point of view is, our son has to learn on his own how to do his work when it's assigned. Better for him to fail middle school than college/his first real job/etc. My DH's point of view is that our son needs help so we need to be behind him every step of the way. But he can't tell me when we can step back and let our son take the reins of his schoolwork.

I want to get our son a planner to help him organize his schoolwork but our son refuses and my DH agrees (he also has organization problems and ADHD). My son says everything is on Google classroom and that's enough.

Already he hasn't brought home a paper from a teacher that we need to sign (she told us about it at Back to Night) and it's not on Google classroom, so it's the first week of school and we're already behind.

I understand that my DH and my parenting needs to align. What I am asking for help with is how to help our son. I don't want to helicopter our son but my DH is happy to go online and check Google classroom every night and then force our son to sit down and do his work.

I've looked for resources in several books but I didn't find them to help our situation (i.e., the Smart but Scattered books just recommended using cell phones to remind kids about everything; our son doesn't have a cell phone and we're not getting him one any time soon).

Any recommendations for how to help my son succeed without being a helicopter parent?

TIA!

[Anonymous]

A couple of things that worked for us were these.

1. After a few weeks, I took my son to Staples and let him get whatever he thought would help him stay organized. I did not veto anything but I did make him explain how he would use what he bought. It was not cheap but he has been using the same binder for five years so it was a good investment.

2. I had my son develop his own organization systems. He made a checklist of everything that had to be done at the start of each class. I laminated it and got him a wax pencil.

3. Everyday he had to make a homework plan. He could pick the time, place and supplies for his homework. If it didn’t work, he had to revise it the next day or justify keeping the same plan.

4. Sometimes I scribe or read to him.

5. 504 plan for extra time and notification to me for major projects and large assignments not turned in.

6. Medication - daily plus booster as needed.

This is not my disability so I don’t manage it. I facilitate my son managing it.


If I think of other things I’ll add to this. I’ve been on this journey for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Look, teaching a child executive functioning skills is not helicoptering, you twit.

You need to examine your own inflexibility.

If your kid needed glasses, would you just let him fail b/c he couldn’t see properly?

Adhd is how the brain is wired not a choice.

[Anonymous]

At my kids’ middle school in mcps, all students are given planners and are expected to write down homework, long term projects, etc. it is three ring and clips into their binders. I would start by talking to your son about implementing something like it and having a check in after 1-2 weeks to see how it is going for him, does it help him stay on top of things, does he think something else will work beter and if so help him brainstorm other organizing ideas. For those 2 weeks, I would further check in with him in evening and confirm the kw was done and if any long term projects have been assigned, help him come up with a plan to break it down.

[Anonymous]

I have a MS w ADHD - 6th grade was really hard. As parent's we read a lot last year on understanding ADHD. We decided we are not going to let homework ruin our relationship with our child. At home, we do not take away - rather we reward. For example - if you get the assignment done we can watch ______ together.
Strategies when assignments needs to be done and nothing appears to be happening with them - we break it down to super small steps. Put your name on the paper - take a break.
Also - parent engagement when you have a child with a learning disability may look like your are being a helicopter parent - but you are doing what your child needs.

[Anonymous]

Homework plan and ability to see what the actual assignment is.

[Anonymous]

Does he have an IEP? A huge benefit for my ADHD middle schooler boy was to have a Resource class where the implementation of organizational skills was a given. In 6th grade he got help organizing his binder and class assignments were signed off on and it was generally super helpful for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have an IEP? A huge benefit for my ADHD middle schooler boy was to have a Resource class where the implementation of organizational skills was a given. In 6th grade he got help organizing his binder and class assignments were signed off on and it was generally super helpful for all of us.

This is what my child needs - what school district are you in?

[Anonymous]

As the parent of an ADHD high schooler who was diagnosed in second grade, I'm going to strongly side with your husband. Read up on the concept of scaffolding. Your kid needs LOTS of support now. As habits become engrained and his brain starts to mature, you can pull back. It is not "better to let him fail now." If he fails now, he will never recover.

As it is, he is probably way behind where he could be because you took so long to get him diagnosed. You need to educate yourself about ADHD because your instincts are just wrong.

My DH and I helped our son the way your DH is doing for years, but he is going into 11th grade and I haven't logged into his assignments now in two years. Had we let him fail in middle school, he wouldn't have magically figured it out on his own.

[Anonymous]

You get him a planner and you verify daily. When he is successful with his planner for a period of time, you ease up. It's not all or nothing. You parent him until he "gets" it. Why are you against teaching him some skills?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have an IEP? A huge benefit for my ADHD middle schooler boy was to have a Resource class where the implementation of organizational skills was a given. In 6th grade he got help organizing his binder and class assignments were signed off on and it was generally super helpful for all of us.

+1 I also have an ADHD middle schooler and I fought to get him an IEP in elementary school so that he would have the Resource class in middle school. It’s been invaluable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have an IEP? A huge benefit for my ADHD middle schooler boy was to have a Resource class where the implementation of organizational skills was a given. In 6th grade he got help organizing his binder and class assignments were signed off on and it was generally super helpful for all of us.

This is what my child needs - what school district are you in?

PP here. MoCo

[Anonymous]

For my ADHD son (now in high school), I would sit at the table and read a newspaper while he did his homework. If he started losing focus or getting distracts, I would redirect him back to the work. I would try never to criticize because it is not in his control, but I wanted him to know that he had to do the work if possible. I never corrected his work unless he asked for help. When he was having a hard day or had a lot of assignments, I would often ask what he needed or wanted. For example, I often would set timer to some short period (such as 15 minutes), he would sit and try to work during that time. He would then take a 5 minute break, reset the timer, and start again. Remember that your role is to support and not police or punish the kid. If he was struggling certain days, we would stop and he would try again later. And some days, I would write a note to the teachers that he tried but could not do the work and would except the consequences.

Also, we had a 504 plan that allowed him to turn work in late, and once I week, I would ask him to go through his grades to see what was missing.

Now that his is older (11th grade), I don't really do much because he is mostly independent.

I don't believe that you can just sit by, watch him fail, and tell him to accept consequences of failing. Even if the grades don't "count," this failure would really hurt his self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the parent of an ADHD high schooler who was diagnosed in second grade, I'm going to strongly side with your husband. Read up on the concept of scaffolding. Your kid needs LOTS of support now. As habits become engrained and his brain starts to mature, you can pull back. It is not "better to let him fail now." If he fails now, he will never recover.

As it is, he is probably way behind where he could be because you took so long to get him diagnosed. You need to educate yourself about ADHD because your instincts are just wrong.

My DH and I helped our son the way your DH is doing for years, but he is going into 11th grade and I haven't logged into his assignments now in two years. Had we let him fail in middle school, he wouldn't have magically figured it out on his own.

NP here and I agree with this. Also, OP if your child is not on meds, you may have to go that direction. I have a daughter. We (well, mostly my husband) resisted moving to meds for several years but it was the right decision.

[Anonymous]

It's perfectly alright to teach your child how to get organized and plan. My son uses a planner. I follow that up with checking assignments on line - with my son. Each night he puts down on paper what is due the next day (or whatever else needs to be done) and how long he thinks it will take. I add 10/15 mins to everything. We get a total time for homework and he picks when he starts. Sometimes we break things up and we always start with the easiest assignments to get done.