Help me help my ADHD middle schooler

[Anonymous]

Medication. Really. My DS was a complete mess in middle school without it. Nobody wants to screw up all of the time and have everyone pissed off at them.

[Anonymous]

Can your son go on Google Classroom, instead of your husband?

Here's how my (HS) daughter ends up not using her planner.

At the beginning of the very first class of the day, she gets out her materials and her planner. She's sitting at her desk ready to go.
She focuses on her class. Even with medication, this takes effort. If she lets herself get distracted, she can lose the entire class. She has to constantly monitor whether or not she's paying attention. She takes notes and doodles to help.
This means she's not aware that it's 5 minutes before the end of class, when everyone else starts casually getting their things together. She's, instead, completely surprised when it's time to change classes, and she was finishing up taking notes. She didn't even get to write the homework assignment down in her planner. No problem, she remembers it, so she'll make a note of it in her next class. She grabs her things in a rush and heads to the next class.
In the hallway a friend asks what the math homework was. She answers.
She gets to her next class, and tries to sort through her school supplies she grabbed and put them back in her backpack in an organized manner, while getting out the materials for this class. Her teacher starts talking before the class is even supposed to begin. Making a note of the previous classes homework has flown out of her head. She focuses on this class, takes notes, and this teacher gives them a minute at the end of class to get things together. My daughter finishes taking her notes (she's always just a step behind, she's not quite sure what notes to take, so her notes still tend to be extensive), looks under her binder for her planner. It's not there. She looks in the backpack pocket she puts it in. Not there either. As the bell rings, she realizes it's stuffed in the main pocket with her previous class materials. No problem, she'll write down her assignment at her next class. And wasn't there something she was supposed to write down about her first class?

And the rest of the day she gets gradually more encumbered by all the "last minute" parts of the day. Teachers really don't help. They don't give kids time to settle in, or wrap up. It's go from the minute she steps into school to the second she leaves, and ADHD kids really struggle with managing the high level of organization that requires. When half my kid's brain is focused on focusing, she has nothing left over for things like realizing she has 5 minutes til the end of class and she needs to write the homework in her planner now.

What helps? Telling her to use her planner doesn't. Getting upset with her for not using it doesn't. On-line homework lists do help. But it took a while for her to be able to check them, because she had YEARS of failing at this homework thing under her belt, and no one's excited to do something they're just going to screw up. She also relies, a lot, on friends. She is the kid who's regularly asking what they were assigned for homework. Thankfully, she has some really good friends who don't mind sharing their organizational abilities with her.

Brain storm with your kid. Try all sorts of things. Make this a team problem that you're all working together to solve. He's not failing, you guys just haven't figured out what works yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the parent of an ADHD high schooler who was diagnosed in second grade, I'm going to strongly side with your husband. Read up on the concept of scaffolding. Your kid needs LOTS of support now. As habits become engrained and his brain starts to mature, you can pull back. It is not "better to let him fail now." If he fails now, he will never recover.

As it is, he is probably way behind where he could be because you took so long to get him diagnosed. You need to educate yourself about ADHD because your instincts are just wrong.

My DH and I helped our son the way your DH is doing for years, but he is going into 11th grade and I haven't logged into his assignments now in two years. Had we let him fail in middle school, he wouldn't have magically figured it out on his own.

NP here. Related to this, read up on the concept of fading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can your son go on Google Classroom, instead of your husband?

Here's how my (HS) daughter ends up not using her planner.

At the beginning of the very first class of the day, she gets out her materials and her planner. She's sitting at her desk ready to go.
She focuses on her class. Even with medication, this takes effort. If she lets herself get distracted, she can lose the entire class. She has to constantly monitor whether or not she's paying attention. She takes notes and doodles to help.
This means she's not aware that it's 5 minutes before the end of class, when everyone else starts casually getting their things together. She's, instead, completely surprised when it's time to change classes, and she was finishing up taking notes. She didn't even get to write the homework assignment down in her planner. No problem, she remembers it, so she'll make a note of it in her next class. She grabs her things in a rush and heads to the next class.
In the hallway a friend asks what the math homework was. She answers.
She gets to her next class, and tries to sort through her school supplies she grabbed and put them back in her backpack in an organized manner, while getting out the materials for this class. Her teacher starts talking before the class is even supposed to begin. Making a note of the previous classes homework has flown out of her head. She focuses on this class, takes notes, and this teacher gives them a minute at the end of class to get things together. My daughter finishes taking her notes (she's always just a step behind, she's not quite sure what notes to take, so her notes still tend to be extensive), looks under her binder for her planner. It's not there. She looks in the backpack pocket she puts it in. Not there either. As the bell rings, she realizes it's stuffed in the main pocket with her previous class materials. No problem, she'll write down her assignment at her next class. And wasn't there something she was supposed to write down about her first class?

And the rest of the day she gets gradually more encumbered by all the "last minute" parts of the day. Teachers really don't help. They don't give kids time to settle in, or wrap up. It's go from the minute she steps into school to the second she leaves, and ADHD kids really struggle with managing the high level of organization that requires. When half my kid's brain is focused on focusing, she has nothing left over for things like realizing she has 5 minutes til the end of class and she needs to write the homework in her planner now.

What helps? Telling her to use her planner doesn't. Getting upset with her for not using it doesn't. On-line homework lists do help. But it took a while for her to be able to check them, because she had YEARS of failing at this homework thing under her belt, and no one's excited to do something they're just going to screw up. She also relies, a lot, on friends. She is the kid who's regularly asking what they were assigned for homework. Thankfully, she has some really good friends who don't mind sharing their organizational abilities with her.

Brain storm with your kid. Try all sorts of things. Make this a team problem that you're all working together to solve. He's not failing, you guys just haven't figured out what works yet.

This is so spot on.

[Anonymous]

Our DS sounds like yours, diagnosed in 6th, and medicated (huge difference in his life, his teachers and classmates life, and our life at home). He couldn't get an IEP (if on grade level then no IEP), but did have a 504. He was given assignments in chunks (part of his 504), and, my next recommendation is to get an Executive Functioning person to work with your child. Takes away the stress of it being you or DH.
Ask your pediatrician for names, or call the McLean School (in Maryland) and ask them.

Correct that you are teaching your child life skills at this point!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, teaching a child executive functioning skills is not helicoptering, you twit.

You need to examine your own inflexibility.

If your kid needed glasses, would you just let him fail b/c he couldn’t see properly?

Adhd is how the brain is wired not a choice.

This! Remember kids with ADHD are up to three years less mature than their peers. You can’t assume they will get it. Especially organization. You need to teach and guide for longer than you think necessary. Look at the long game here. Invest in teaching and checking these habits now, so that they can do it in their own as adults. Just look for progress each year. Don’t compare to peers. And don’t look for perfection

Positive rewards are helpful too.

[Anonymous]

Also, go to once a week google classroom check. On Sundays, I do sit down with my ADHD middle schooler to prepare for the week and see if/what he missed from last week. That way we are kind of on it but doing it every day takes away his autonomy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you (almost) everyone for your helpful replies.

18:00, thank you for calling me a twit. It is appreciated [sarcasm]. I KNOW that I am being inflexible, but I am having a hard time with my son being so stubborn about his refusal in having a planner or any help with ensuring that his schoolwork is completed and on time.

My DH has agreed that we need to try again with the planner. We are going to talk about it with our son again and I'm going to use some of the suggestions in this chat.

The school does have a resource class, and we may sign him up for that (he would have to miss one of his regular classes, not the electives). He may have an easier time listening to someone who is not his parent(s).

This child does not have a focus problem. We have been watching for ADHD since he was young because my DH has it, and one of our younger kids has the inattentive type of ADHD. These two kids are nothing alike and their ADHD does not manifest in the same way AT ALL. For instance, our other child is incredibly organized, but we do need to repeatedly tell her to focus and time their homework; otherwise, they would spend 2 hours doing something that should take 15 minutes. For our son, he's so focused it would only take 5 minutes to do the same work. It would just be sloppy, but it would be done.

I'm also going to talk to the pediatrician about the Executive Function skills. Hopefully they will have some referrals for us.

Thanks again. I'm going to share this chat with my DH. Although he and his brother (and a bunch of our friends) have ADHD, it's good to hear what has worked for other people. Maybe some of those will work for us too.

[Anonymous]

Our Google Classroom postings are very inconsistent. Some teachers do it religiously at the beginning of the week. Other teachers have nothing there, at all.

Last year, once my dd started having a pattern of not writing down assignments, I reached out to the teachers who weren't posting consistently and asked them to sign off on dd's planner each day. I don't think this would have worked at the beginning of the year (teachers can't be doing this for every student). But by the point that I asked, the teachers were annoyed about missing assignments and obliged since it was only one kid and probably easier than the followups they were already doing. In one case, I found out that the teacher was posting assignments, but it was in an obscure place where we'd never seen it before. I know this is a pain for teachers, but perhaps it will motivate them to actually use Google Classroom in the future...

[Anonymous]

I have ADHD, not medicated son.
On grade level (actually above, since child is in magnet)
After fighting with MCPS, got IEP (you need to pay for testing child privately and force school to test too; use educational consultants, there is no other way.)
Only if your child has IEP, you will get any support from teachers. 504 does not do it.
So far our experience - resource class is useless for him (my child thinks that what they do there is dumb)
We will try organizational coach this year.
It is very difficult and tiring experience for our family...
In our situation we have computer games addiction as icing on the cake, with very advanced computer technical skills (cracking Windows 10, manipulating etc.)
Good luck. It is long road. There is no simple solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can your son go on Google Classroom, instead of your husband?

Here's how my (HS) daughter ends up not using her planner.

At the beginning of the very first class of the day, she gets out her materials and her planner. She's sitting at her desk ready to go.
She focuses on her class. Even with medication, this takes effort. If she lets herself get distracted, she can lose the entire class. She has to constantly monitor whether or not she's paying attention. She takes notes and doodles to help.
This means she's not aware that it's 5 minutes before the end of class, when everyone else starts casually getting their things together. She's, instead, completely surprised when it's time to change classes, and she was finishing up taking notes. She didn't even get to write the homework assignment down in her planner. No problem, she remembers it, so she'll make a note of it in her next class. She grabs her things in a rush and heads to the next class.
In the hallway a friend asks what the math homework was. She answers.
She gets to her next class, and tries to sort through her school supplies she grabbed and put them back in her backpack in an organized manner, while getting out the materials for this class. Her teacher starts talking before the class is even supposed to begin. Making a note of the previous classes homework has flown out of her head. She focuses on this class, takes notes, and this teacher gives them a minute at the end of class to get things together. My daughter finishes taking her notes (she's always just a step behind, she's not quite sure what notes to take, so her notes still tend to be extensive), looks under her binder for her planner. It's not there. She looks in the backpack pocket she puts it in. Not there either. As the bell rings, she realizes it's stuffed in the main pocket with her previous class materials. No problem, she'll write down her assignment at her next class. And wasn't there something she was supposed to write down about her first class?

And the rest of the day she gets gradually more encumbered by all the "last minute" parts of the day. Teachers really don't help. They don't give kids time to settle in, or wrap up. It's go from the minute she steps into school to the second she leaves, and ADHD kids really struggle with managing the high level of organization that requires. When half my kid's brain is focused on focusing, she has nothing left over for things like realizing she has 5 minutes til the end of class and she needs to write the homework in her planner now.

What helps? Telling her to use her planner doesn't. Getting upset with her for not using it doesn't. On-line homework lists do help. But it took a while for her to be able to check them, because she had YEARS of failing at this homework thing under her belt, and no one's excited to do something they're just going to screw up. She also relies, a lot, on friends. She is the kid who's regularly asking what they were assigned for homework. Thankfully, she has some really good friends who don't mind sharing their organizational abilities with her.

Brain storm with your kid. Try all sorts of things. Make this a team problem that you're all working together to solve. He's not failing, you guys just haven't figured out what works yet.

This is so spot on.

SPOT on. I am an above poster who explained how my kid uses his planner in an mcps middle school. The above pp describes exactly how I suspect it will go when said son gets to high school and teachers no longer tell the kids to write down their hw in their planners. PP, has your daughter ever tried to use her phone to photograph the hw assignment? Fwiw, college may actually seem easier since you get a syllabus which lays out all hw and assignments, and also you can sit in the classroom after class as long as you like to gather your things and jot stuff down, since you don't usually have a back to back class.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are a twit. Own it. You are blaming your child for something that is out of his control. You can change from not being a twit. Your kid can't change his brain. If he's this anxious or stubborn, he needs meds.

[Anonymous]

Medicate and helicopter homework/assignments. It's your only hope. If you screw up middle school, high school WILL be a disaster.

[Anonymous]

The ADHD brain takes years longer to mature compared to the average brain. If you don’t help him, you will close doors for him for ever. If you help him now, he will get through this difficult time and become more functional than he is now as an adult. Your relationship will also be better!

And if you really want to help him, you must medicate him - this is the only way that enough brain function will be liberated to learn study skills and organization, so that he can apply them fully in college where you won’t be there to help him! Depending on the severity of his ADHD, he may only need pharmacological treatment for a few years.

It is downright abusive to refuse organizational help, and treatment od some form, either behavioral or medical, to a patient with ADHD. It’s neglect that will have lifelong consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, teaching a child executive functioning skills is not helicoptering, you twit.

You need to examine your own inflexibility.

If your kid needed glasses, would you just let him fail b/c he couldn’t see properly?

Adhd is how the brain is wired not a choice.

+1

Get him an executive function coach and a tutor who specializes in ADHD.

He needs to lay the groundwork for his life habits.