Wife ignores me when we have a disagreement

[Anonymous]

When we have a disagreement, after stating her position my wife retreats into ignore me mode.

I have tried explaining the problem with this approach but, well, see above (she ignores me then too).

Not surprisingly this has led to other problems in the marriage.

From where I'm standing divorce is the only option if I don't want a wife who ignores me.

This partially a vent, partially a hail Mary pass to see if there's something I'm overlooking, partially I'm bored at work.

[Anonymous]

How about asking her to go to counseling?
How often do you fight? how long does she ignore you for?

[Anonymous]

That sucks. As far as I'm concerned the cold shoulder treatment is emotional abuse. It's not okay.

[Anonymous]

So I tend to do something similar when my husband and I argue - I go quiet, and while I don't ignore him, I also don't initiate conversations and give short answers when spoken to. The reason is that I usually need time to process the argument and to cool down. My husband often wants to talk things out until they are resolved - he thrives on a heated exchange, that's just his personality, and he's still able to think clearly/logically during such an exchange. As for me, if I'm still fuming, I know I risk saying something I don't mean or something that's best left unsaid out of anger. Those extra few hours (or a day) make a huge difference to me - once I've cooled off, we can always calmly talk things out. Is your wife this way or is she actually trying to "punish" you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sucks. As far as I'm concerned the cold shoulder treatment is emotional abuse. It's not okay.

People react to conflict differently. I need space and time to get my temper under control, my husband wants to keep stating his position in the same terms only louder until he feels like he's won. All we know from this guy is that she doesn't engage when he helpfully informs her that her approach is wrong. Feels like a leap to go straight to "emotional abuse."

[Anonymous]

I’m, this is extremely resolvable if you both want to save the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I tend to do something similar when my husband and I argue - I go quiet, and while I don't ignore him, I also don't initiate conversations and give short answers when spoken to. The reason is that I usually need time to process the argument and to cool down. My husband often wants to talk things out until they are resolved - he thrives on a heated exchange, that's just his personality, and he's still able to think clearly/logically during such an exchange. As for me, if I'm still fuming, I know I risk saying something I don't mean or something that's best left unsaid out of anger. Those extra few hours (or a day) make a huge difference to me - once I've cooled off, we can always calmly talk things out. Is your wife this way or is she actually trying to "punish" you?

This was pretty much my experience with my ex fiance. He wanted to fight until the death on everything whereas I needed some time to process and think things through before I discussed them. No amount of "I need to sleep on this" or "I need a while to cool down so I can be rational about this" would suffice, it was either hash it out RIGHT THEN or never and of course nothing was ever officially hashed out until/unless he got his way. He viewed everything as a competition that he HAD TO WIN (which also meant I had to lose), not as an opportunity to come to a mutually agreeable solution. Thank god we broke up.

DH is more than happy to give me some space to think things over or cool down. However, that's because he knows that I'll be willing to talk about it soon, I just need some time. We both also prioritize what's right for our family over being the one who "wins".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I tend to do something similar when my husband and I argue - I go quiet, and while I don't ignore him, I also don't initiate conversations and give short answers when spoken to. The reason is that I usually need time to process the argument and to cool down. My husband often wants to talk things out until they are resolved - he thrives on a heated exchange, that's just his personality, and he's still able to think clearly/logically during such an exchange. As for me, if I'm still fuming, I know I risk saying something I don't mean or something that's best left unsaid out of anger. Those extra few hours (or a day) make a huge difference to me - once I've cooled off, we can always calmly talk things out. Is your wife this way or is she actually trying to "punish" you?

This was pretty much my experience with my ex fiance. He wanted to fight until the death on everything whereas I needed some time to process and think things through before I discussed them. No amount of "I need to sleep on this" or "I need a while to cool down so I can be rational about this" would suffice, it was either hash it out RIGHT THEN or never and of course nothing was ever officially hashed out until/unless he got his way. He viewed everything as a competition that he HAD TO WIN (which also meant I had to lose), not as an opportunity to come to a mutually agreeable solution. Thank god we broke up.

DH is more than happy to give me some space to think things over or cool down. However, that's because he knows that I'll be willing to talk about it soon, I just need some time. We both also prioritize what's right for our family over being the one who "wins".

Yep, exactly. Thankfully my husband is usually understanding, even though he still finds it difficult to table things when he's all fired up. But I make sure he understands I'm not punishing him or freezing him out, I'm just trying to get to a place where I can talk calmly - for both our sakes.

[Anonymous]

You sound butthurt.

She is doing what you should be doing - being quiet and stoic instead of frantically trying to "win" some stupid argument and, no doubt, venting your emotions like a whiny 5 year old.

I have tried explaining the problem with this approach but, well, see above (she ignores me then too).

Let me explain the problem with your "explaining the problem" approach. She is not interested in your explanations and solutions. She is not interested in being interrogated by you as if she is a disobedient child.

What you are overlooking: if you shut up for a while instead of haranguing her with "your position", maybe she'll decide to talk to you.

When she was your girlfriend, did you demand she justify her position every time she disagreed with you about something? Probably not, since you eventually got married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about asking her to go to counseling?
How often do you fight? how long does she ignore you for?

It's not always necessarily a fight, just a disagreement. For example (this is made up but indicative), I might say we should buy a new car because the maintenance is too high. She would say she doesn't want to buy a new car because she doesn't want a car note. For her, the conversation stops there.

Whereas, I would want us to compare maintenance costs vs. a new car note, discuss leasing as an option, discuss when she might be open to having a car note, etc.
I wouldn't say we were initially arguing, just disagreeing. I might even be open to changing my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about asking her to go to counseling?
How often do you fight? how long does she ignore you for?

It's not always necessarily a fight, just a disagreement. For example (this is made up but indicative), I might say we should buy a new car because the maintenance is too high. She would say she doesn't want to buy a new car because she doesn't want a car note. For her, the conversation stops there.

Whereas, I would want us to compare maintenance costs vs. a new car note, discuss leasing as an option, discuss when she might be open to having a car note, etc.
I wouldn't say we were initially arguing, just disagreeing. I might even be open to changing my mind.

A car purchase is an anxiety-inducing major purchase. I’d react badly. I went 10 years between purchases.

[Anonymous]

I think the silent treatment shows a lack of maturity and is abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I tend to do something similar when my husband and I argue - I go quiet, and while I don't ignore him, I also don't initiate conversations and give short answers when spoken to. The reason is that I usually need time to process the argument and to cool down. My husband often wants to talk things out until they are resolved - he thrives on a heated exchange, that's just his personality, and he's still able to think clearly/logically during such an exchange. As for me, if I'm still fuming, I know I risk saying something I don't mean or something that's best left unsaid out of anger. Those extra few hours (or a day) make a huge difference to me - once I've cooled off, we can always calmly talk things out. Is your wife this way or is she actually trying to "punish" you?

This was pretty much my experience with my ex fiance. He wanted to fight until the death on everything whereas I needed some time to process and think things through before I discussed them. No amount of "I need to sleep on this" or "I need a while to cool down so I can be rational about this" would suffice, it was either hash it out RIGHT THEN or never and of course nothing was ever officially hashed out until/unless he got his way. He viewed everything as a competition that he HAD TO WIN (which also meant I had to lose), not as an opportunity to come to a mutually agreeable solution. Thank god we broke up.

DH is more than happy to give me some space to think things over or cool down. However, that's because he knows that I'll be willing to talk about it soon, I just need some time. We both also prioritize what's right for our family over being the one who "wins".

Yep, exactly. Thankfully my husband is usually understanding, even though he still finds it difficult to table things when he's all fired up. But I make sure he understands I'm not punishing him or freezing him out, I'm just trying to get to a place where I can talk calmly - for both our sakes.

+2 We went to counseling and my DH doesn't do this any more, but the bolded in particular is what I'm picking up from OP too.

[Anonymous]

Wait, the car example is bad. That's not a disagreement. That's I'm not spending money on this, if you want a new car you buy it. End of discussion. Are you the guy who posted a few weeks ago about the wife who doesn't want to argue?

[Anonymous]

Read about the pursuer-distancer pattern from the Gottman Institute. It explains many couples.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/breaking-pursue-withdraw-pattern-interview-scott-r-woolley-ph-d/