Wife ignores me when we have a disagreement

[Anonymous]

I have the stereotypical Italian temper. Plus, I am a NYer. With these two things combined, I fight loud and dirty. But I love my DH and don't want to do that to him, so I go away and get quiet when I'm angry, until I can calm down. It took DH a couple of years to get used to this. He thought I didn't want to resolve disagreements. He didn't understand I was working around my temper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the silent treatment shows a lack of maturity and is abusive.

x a million. any woman who says otherwise is full of BS (just consider the responses if the genders were reversed.....)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, the car example is bad. That's not a disagreement. That's I'm not spending money on this, if you want a new car you buy it. End of discussion. Are you the guy who posted a few weeks ago about the wife who doesn't want to argue?

NP here and how is it not a disagreement? The family budget can either go to maintenance or new (or used) car payments. In this example they need to have a discussion about the allocation of a presumably limited amount of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, the car example is bad. That's not a disagreement. That's I'm not spending money on this, if you want a new car you buy it. End of discussion. Are you the guy who posted a few weeks ago about the wife who doesn't want to argue?

No I haven't posted before. In the fictitious car scenario I would want us to come (or at least try) to come to some mutual agreement. Maybe we don't buy a car for a few years, or she explains why we shouldn't get a car. This doesn't have to happen in one sitting but there should be some commitment to attempting to resolve the differences at some point in my view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks. As far as I'm concerned the cold shoulder treatment is emotional abuse. It's not okay.

People react to conflict differently. I need space and time to get my temper under control, my husband wants to keep stating his position in the same terms only louder until he feels like he's won. All we know from this guy is that she doesn't engage when he helpfully informs her that her approach is wrong. Feels like a leap to go straight to "emotional abuse."

I think that the issue is that the DH does not feel heard. He listens to his wife's point of view, but when it's her turn to hear him out, she just leaves and ignores him. That is not a two-way communication, which all communication should be. It gets tiresome when you feel like your thoughts, feelings, and position are not important and irrelevant to your wife or husband...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the silent treatment shows a lack of maturity and is abusive.

x a million. any woman who says otherwise is full of BS (just consider the responses if the genders were reversed.....)

I completely agree. I am a woman and my mother did this to me my whole life. I absolutely hate and have actually gone into the other extreme too much. I am ready to fight as soon as the other person shows any kind of unhappiness. I know, not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the silent treatment shows a lack of maturity and is abusive.

x a million. any woman who says otherwise is full of BS (just consider the responses if the genders were reversed.....)

I guess I don't agree that letting your partner know you need time and space to cool off = silent treatment. If a woman (or a man) does it to punish their spouse or freeze them out, that's one thing. But if either spouse needs a few hours or a day to gather their thoughts before sitting down to have a calm conversation, I fail to see how that's abuse. Can you explain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the silent treatment shows a lack of maturity and is abusive.

x a million. any woman who says otherwise is full of BS (just consider the responses if the genders were reversed.....)

If the genders were reversed you'd be calling OP a nag and saying how sometimes you just don't want to listen to someone who talks all damn day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the silent treatment shows a lack of maturity and is abusive.

x a million. any woman who says otherwise is full of BS (just consider the responses if the genders were reversed.....)

I guess I don't agree that letting your partner know you need time and space to cool off = silent treatment. If a woman (or a man) does it to punish their spouse or freeze them out, that's one thing. But if either spouse needs a few hours or a day to gather their thoughts before sitting down to have a calm conversation, I fail to see how that's abuse. Can you explain?

The two are very different and the non-silent party knows the difference. For example, my mother refuses to talk to me for days. She has a scowl on her face the entire time to let you know that she is NOT happy. It creates all kinds of negative/stressful energy. She drops it as soon as she gets her way.

[Anonymous]

OP's wife is also allowed to say, "I don't want a new car". She's not obligated to sit down with him and present scenarios with lists of pros and cons. With this example, she's not ignoring you, she's just not willing to sit around with you and let herself be convinced or convince you of her point of view. Again, fail to see how that's abuse. She's allowed to just say no. Do you have other examples?

[Anonymous]

If we have a disagreement there's nothing that drives me crazy faster than my DH chasing me around the house arguing his point while I'm trying to think. I need space away from a problem to resolve it in my head. This is true at work too - I rarely have a good idea in a spontaneous brainstorming session, but will come up with something if I have time to think before the meeting. If not I'll come up with something hours after the meeting.

My husband sounded like the OP, and it took going to couples counseling for him to understand that I'm not ignoring him, or freezing him out, I'm thinking. We can talk all day but will get further faster if he gives me a couple hours to think. And I need to do that silently and away from my husband, especially if the discussion is heated. I'll ever understand people that want to keep rehashing their argument to each other, escalating and arguing. People that say walking away to think is emotionally abusive (like my DH before counseling) are only able to accept their way of resolving conflict. Now I let DH have his say, I walk away and process, and then we come back together to resolve the conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the silent treatment shows a lack of maturity and is abusive.

x a million. any woman who says otherwise is full of BS (just consider the responses if the genders were reversed.....)

I guess I don't agree that letting your partner know you need time and space to cool off = silent treatment. If a woman (or a man) does it to punish their spouse or freeze them out, that's one thing. But if either spouse needs a few hours or a day to gather their thoughts before sitting down to have a calm conversation, I fail to see how that's abuse. Can you explain?

The two are very different and the non-silent party knows the difference. For example, my mother refuses to talk to me for days. She has a scowl on her face the entire time to let you know that she is NOT happy. It creates all kinds of negative/stressful energy. She drops it as soon as she gets her way.

If my DH keeps an argument up and doesn't let me cool off it will result in days of bad feelings. I feel attacked. If he gives me some space we can come back together and resolve it and clear the air.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the silent treatment shows a lack of maturity and is abusive.

x a million. any woman who says otherwise is full of BS (just consider the responses if the genders were reversed.....)

I guess I don't agree that letting your partner know you need time and space to cool off = silent treatment. If a woman (or a man) does it to punish their spouse or freeze them out, that's one thing. But if either spouse needs a few hours or a day to gather their thoughts before sitting down to have a calm conversation, I fail to see how that's abuse. Can you explain?

The two are very different and the non-silent party knows the difference. For example, my mother refuses to talk to me for days. She has a scowl on her face the entire time to let you know that she is NOT happy. It creates all kinds of negative/stressful energy. She drops it as soon as she gets her way.

That's totally different from what PP are saying, and even different from the example OP gave. I would agree that such a situation is abusive because your mother was using her silence to pressure you and punish you, not to cool off from a disagreement.

I usually tell my husband, "look, we're not getting anywhere. Let's just drop it for now and talk tomorrow/after work/etc". It's still really hard for him to just stop the conversation because he likes to have it out right then and there, but he knows I'm not just ignoring him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's wife is also allowed to say, "I don't want a new car". She's not obligated to sit down with him and present scenarios with lists of pros and cons. With this example, she's not ignoring you, she's just not willing to sit around with you and let herself be convinced or convince you of her point of view. Again, fail to see how that's abuse. She's allowed to just say no. Do you have other examples?

I have many, but if it's ok for her to state her opinion and refuse to discuss further what difference would additional examples make?

Also, how would the purchase of the car be resolved? I could say "I'm buying a new car" refuse to discuss further and that would be the end of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the silent treatment shows a lack of maturity and is abusive.

x a million. any woman who says otherwise is full of BS (just consider the responses if the genders were reversed.....)

I guess I don't agree that letting your partner know you need time and space to cool off = silent treatment. If a woman (or a man) does it to punish their spouse or freeze them out, that's one thing. But if either spouse needs a few hours or a day to gather their thoughts before sitting down to have a calm conversation, I fail to see how that's abuse. Can you explain?

if one of them needs time to cool off, then the mature and appropriate thing to do is to actually communicate that. hmm, don't you think that is better than the silent treatment?