Tell me about your Mr. Big

[Anonymous]

I’m in a hotel room, laying next to my Mr. Big - sound asleep as he’s on European time - considering our past, present, and future. We’ve been involved in one way or another, excepting times when one or both of us were in committed relationships, for over a decade (I was nineteen when we met, he was in his twenties). We adore each other but have never had anything committed together. He’s an executive, travels exhaustively, works tirelessly, and has a bevy of women at his beck and call. He’s gorgeous, brilliant, fun, and utterly unavailable.

Tell me about your Mr. Big.

[Anonymous]

You meant Executive, did you not?

[Anonymous]

I don't have a Mr. Big. He was a toxic character. I don't date men who treat won't commit and jerk me around. Get some self esteem and ditch this guy.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't adore you. If he adores you, he would commit. He's using you.

[Anonymous]

OP here and wow - I’m not looking for analysis, just understanding. I know I’m not the only woman with a man like this in her life. The lack of commitment is two-sided. We do adore each other, but live in different places and are at different phases of life. We’ve seen each other through a lot and are always there for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You meant Executive, did you not?

Haha yes, my mistake.

[Anonymous]

He grew on me as I got to know him better. Weird circumstances spanning over a decade. I seriously wonder what’s wrong with me - how did I fall so hard for a Mr. Unavailable.

When I initially met him, instant attraction but I knew he was bad news. Oddly, he reappeared in my life years later. Attraction still there. Still bad news, but I did it anyway. My twenties self is kicking my forties self for acts of colossal stupidity.

[Anonymous]

There are tons of mr. Bigs that travel to dc each year. Nothing really new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are tons of mr. Bigs that travel to dc each year. Nothing really new.

OP here. Neither of us live in DC, although it’s where we met.

[Anonymous]

A Mr Big here. Was just texting with a friend in Russia about her coming to visit me when I'm in Europe in a few months. Lots of paperwork for the Shengen visa...

[Anonymous]

Does your involvement with him prevent you from being open to available men and real relationships?

[Anonymous]

My Mr Big got someone pregnant and was forced into marriage. Three kids later, I think he's happy and settled! Glad it wasn't me.

[Anonymous]

I had the chance and passed it over. In retrospect, bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He grew on me as I got to know him better. Weird circumstances spanning over a decade. I seriously wonder what’s wrong with me - how did I fall so hard for a Mr. Unavailable.

When I initially met him, instant attraction but I knew he was bad news. Oddly, he reappeared in my life years later. Attraction still there. Still bad news, but I did it anyway. My twenties self is kicking my forties self for acts of colossal stupidity.

Because falling for Mr Unavailable allows you to construct the fantasy of a perfect relationship "but for" this one small thing. And it appears you believe in the fallacious myth of "the one".

We decide to allow ourselves to fall in love with people - to give that person the space and time to bond, to look at their good qualities not bad, etc. We also have the power to take ourselves out of love - which is easier if you haven't fallen for the myth of "the one".

The truth is there are many people in the world to fall in love with. You should be in therapy asking yourself why you have fallen for someone who gives you so little.

[Anonymous]

My ex-wife's Mr. Big got her a divorce.