Older lesbian coming out after deafh of husband
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Anonymous
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I’m a lesbian in my late 60s who spent the last 30 years married to a heterosexual man. I loved my husband, but was not sexually or romantically attracted to him. He passed away a few years ago and I was heartbroken but now I see this as an opportunity to live my true life.
I settled down and married my husband in the mid-80s because I wanted stability, a house, a family. At the time, that wasn’t possible for a same-sex couple. I don’t have any regrets because I have three beautiful adult children and two wonderful grandchildren. The years I spent with my husband were happy, he was a great man. But I was always lying to myself and lying to those around me. I had relationships with women when I was young that were vibrant, passionate and true. I made strong female friendships and had such an amazing community, but at the time devouring yourself to life as a gay person meant living in a subculture. It’s not like it is today, it was signing a part of your life away. It was saying goodbye to the house with the picket fence, a spouse, children, comfortable living. It was a life of hardships. Over the past couple of decades (particularly the last two) I’ve seen a massive flip. It’s been amazing to watch from the outside, I feel like a secret agent. We have new neighbors, a lesbian couple in their early 40s with two young children. I feel a sting of jealousy. Had I been born a few decades later, I could have had it all. The house, the spouse, the kids. Perfect unity. I know there is an increase of older lesbians and gay men coming out of the closet. I’m interested in dating, but I feel past my prime. Most older lesbians are settled. I also worry about the reaction of my kids. How funny. So many young kids worrying about how their grandparents will react, and I’m in the same shoes at 66. Mostly rambling, life is a journey. |
Anonymous
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Check out https://askjoanne.forums.net/. It's a bit dated, but there are lots of journeys on there and you might find some of the threads interesting. Also, this is a great read: https://www.amazon.com/Dear-John-Love-Jane-Leaving/dp/1580053394. I am at a different time in my story but empathize. You should follow your desires -- you won't be sorry. Best wishes!
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Anonymous
| Sending you courage, OP! I hope your kids accept you as you are. Everyone deserves to find love and happiness. Go for it! |
Anonymous
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I know a man in your situation who did the same and came out in his late 50s after his wife died.
He had 3 adult kids at the time and they did not take it well. They didn't care at all that he was gay but they were very angry that the marriage and family was based on a lie. They felt it betrayed their mother who was in a marriage that was a sham and that she wasn't able to experience having a partner who truly loved her. They saw it as a very selfish thing on his part - he got what he wanted (wife and family and picket fence) but at the expense of their mom and to a lesser degree them. On one hand they understood why he did it but on the other hand, it was too personal for them (their mom, their dad, their family) to be able to make it okay. A few years later he changed a lot and got very into the gay scene - a steady stream of very young male partners, he started talking with the gay accent, became quite flamboyant and basically was all about being gay. This drove his kids away even more as they felt they didn't know him at all, that they had never really known him etc. It is now about 10 years later and his life has settled down to some degree. One of his kids is in his life, the other two are no contact. This is the hardest thing for him - to have lost 2 of his kids and their families. However when asked if he would still come out if he had known his kids would cut contact, he says yes he would have. That being able to be himself has been worth the suffering. He does say there are a lot of things he would do differently in terms of coming out and the next couple of years. He is still hopeful that his kids will make contact. |
Anonymous
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Hugs, OP.
I know it's not the same, but my sister just started dating a woman at 34. She's always dated men (and always had troubled relationships, but that's another issue). She didn't want to tell us because, she said, she doesn't like confrontation. I think she really just doesn't want to answer questions or actually say (or decide) if she's gay, bisexual, whatever. Regardless, I support it and I told her that. It made her relax a little to hear that. Our brother is gay and has been out since he was 19; it was never a problem. If I'm being honest, I do (surprisingly) see a difference in reaction in my dad between my brother coming out and my sister announcing her new girlfriend, but I think he's a) older and more stick-in-the-mud, and b) confused because she's always been "straight." But he's still supportive. All that to say, I don't think it's ever too late to live your life on your terms, especially now that you have a newfound freedom. You can't control how your kids will react. If you read DCUM enough you know they could find some other reason to be angry with you anyway. Why not go for it? |
Anonymous
| OP, come back! Interested to note that people are being very kind about this. What do you think? |
Anonymous
Dear John I Love Jane is AMAZING, I read it and one story hit so close to home I contacted the author and we have talked about our lives. I was married to a man for 10 years, 2 kids, the whole 9 yards.....I am now divorced and about to get married to the love of my life (another woman) I have never been happier. Its never too late to be happy OP |
Anonymous
| A friend’s mom came out 80! She doesn’t have a partner, but she’s enjoying being herself. |
Anonymous
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My mom's good friend came out in the early 90s and divorced her husband. My dad bought a business in the 1970s from a older lesbian who lived with her secretary, best friend, and (unspoken) wife. They never came out to the rest of the world, but they were clearly a couple.
You can do this. |
Anonymous
| BTW, your grandkids will get it. Your kids might question it, but be yourself, and start to date. Lots of people out there looking for love! |
Anonymous
| Big hugs, OP! |
Anonymous
| Wishing you the best OP! |
Anonymous
How did your ExDH and kids handle the divorce? |
Anonymous
My guess is she doesn’t really know. |
Anonymous
My kids handled it much better than expected, they are very well adjusted at this point 3 years out. They get along very well with my partner, we all enjoy our time together. And because I now have a partner I get to enjoy some one on one time with each kid once in awhile because it’s not just me. I also have a very good co-parenting relationship with my ex husband. It took us about 1.5-2 years to be able to get our schedule down and emotions in check, but right now we are doing about as well as I could have imagined. My ex husband did not handle it well for a long time, however our marriage had disintegrated and he was controlling and abusive. It would have been on the way out regardless. He still thinks that the whole situation is unfair to him when I still feel I lost myself in our marriage and he treated me very badly towards the end |