Adopted brother contacted by birth family

[Anonymous]

Hello I am looking for insight. My beloved adopted brother randomly uploaded his dna profile to public dna database mainly looking for health information not a burning desire to meet biological parents. We are very close and he has never been driven to fill an empty whole or anything like that. All of the sudden his large think Irish Catholic family and half siblings all want to meet him. With 24 hours he went from mild curiosity to huge group of people wanting to meet. He is informing every step of the way and overwhelmed. Has anyone gone through this? What is the outcome. What is my role? Technically he has 4 half siblings but I also feel like there siblings too because we are so close. I have told him love expands not detracts so finding more people that love you is a blessing. And of course health information is important. Any insight is appreciated.

[Anonymous]

I found a long-lost half sibling a decade ago. Not through DNA. We found it easier to meet one person at a time (there’s tons of us). It think it took 2 years to finish that process. He did individual therapy during it all. I’d recommend slowly meeting people rather than one big reunion. Also, professional help.

[Anonymous]

I think you are incredibly loving and your brother is lucky to have you. It is overwhelming but it’s encouraging because they are the ones reaching out to HIM which is often a better scenario than the opposite. I would give my love and support and hold his hand through the process as much as he needs you. Your attitude of there’s never too much love is the right way. Don’t be alarmed if you have your own mixed feelings. It’s an emotional time and will be but if you keep an open mind and heart this can turn out to be an extended family of sorts for all of you. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found a long-lost half sibling a decade ago. Not through DNA. We found it easier to meet one person at a time (there’s tons of us). It think it took 2 years to finish that process. He did individual therapy during it all. I’d recommend slowly meeting people rather than one big reunion. Also, professional help.

Why? Why does every life event seem to need hand holding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found a long-lost half sibling a decade ago. Not through DNA. We found it easier to meet one person at a time (there’s tons of us). It think it took 2 years to finish that process. He did individual therapy during it all. I’d recommend slowly meeting people rather than one big reunion. Also, professional help.

Why? Why does every life event seem to need hand holding?

Finding an entire family is not just a life event like getting married ior having a baby. There’s a loss at the heart of every adoption. Even if the adoptee had a great family growing up, they lost other relationships. It can be tricky to navigate. My non-adopted our siblings and I had a relationship with grandparents and an uncle that died before we reunited with our adopted-out sibling. We have a family verbal shorthand build of shared experiences and inside jokes that can be unintentionally exclusionary. We get sentimental pleasure from things that might seem ordinary or weird to others. It’s a lot to process when six people all start laughing hysterically when one person says the name of a fast food chain that didn’t even exist in the part of the country you grew up in, but they all associate with a Christmas that should have been ruined, but became a major bonding moment.

[Anonymous]

You have no role in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found a long-lost half sibling a decade ago. Not through DNA. We found it easier to meet one person at a time (there’s tons of us). It think it took 2 years to finish that process. He did individual therapy during it all. I’d recommend slowly meeting people rather than one big reunion. Also, professional help.

Why? Why does every life event seem to need hand holding?

Umm, you seem to have a misunderstanding of “life events.”
Birth of a child
Graduation
Buying a home
Getting married
Starting a new job

Connecting with your biological family is not a “life event as it is pretty unusual (quick PP, name 10 people you know who’ve done this) and goes to the core of one’s identity in this world. It is not an event that is taken into lightly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have no role in this.

Of course OP has a role. The brother is talking to OP about this. OP has as much of a role as the brother wants and clearly he does want some input.

OP, ask your brother if he's seeking advice or just wants a sounding board to whom he can vent his concerns. Keep ketting him know he is 100 percent your beloved brother and you will back whatever he chooses to do and won't be hurt or angry if he gets to know these new people.

Is it possible he's worried about hurting your parents if he meets these relatives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello I am looking for insight. My beloved adopted brother randomly uploaded his dna profile to public dna database mainly looking for health information not a burning desire to meet biological parents. We are very close and he has never been driven to fill an empty whole or anything like that. All of the sudden his large think Irish Catholic family and half siblings all want to meet him. With 24 hours he went from mild curiosity to huge group of people wanting to meet. He is informing every step of the way and overwhelmed. Has anyone gone through this? What is the outcome. What is my role? Technically he has 4 half siblings but I also feel like there siblings too because we are so close. I have told him love expands not detracts so finding more people that love you is a blessing. And of course health information is important. Any insight is appreciated.

Your role is to step back a bit and let him decide how much, if at all, he wants you involved. It would be lovely if he met them and they are all great people and they embrace you as well as the sibling, and you both gain additional family. But they may not feel that way, or he -- despite never having really sought out his biological relatives before -- may suddenly want to keep them for himself. And if so, you have to let him. No matter how close you are there will always be things that belong to just each of you (marriage, children, etc). This may be one of them and you have to let him explore it the way he wants to.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Both my mother and I have said unequivocally we are not hurt, curious, support him. Our father died a few years ago and I assured him dad would support him. We had our ups and downs but our family is close knit. Of course I am interested there are like 40 plus people related to my brother, 4 half siblings! They have showed more interest in him and our family then some of our first cousins/ relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found a long-lost half sibling a decade ago. Not through DNA. We found it easier to meet one person at a time (there’s tons of us). It think it took 2 years to finish that process. He did individual therapy during it all. I’d recommend slowly meeting people rather than one big reunion. Also, professional help.

Why? Why does every life event seem to need hand holding?

Don't be stupid and callous.

Adoption has a very unique set of issues.

OP, I agree with the poster show suggest 1 or so people at a time.

I am part of the bug Catholic family who met our then young adult adopted out niece when she was in her late teens.

Meeting everyone at once is not healthy and is overwhelming for the adoptee. Go on his timeline, not their timeline, even if it means never or waiting a long time.

[Anonymous]

He should meet with one person, perhaps the closest relative, and then see how he feels about continuing.

[Anonymous]

Most adoption "professionals" are not that great. He is your brother. He joined your family through adoption. He is not your adopted brother. He is no different than any other sibling. You listen, you only offer opinion if asked and if asked to go to a in person visit, you go.

It will be hit or miss with the birth family. My son's maternal family is amazing. We are all family. His birthfathers family are a nightmare, to put it nicely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most adoption "professionals" are not that great. He is your brother. He joined your family through adoption. He is not your adopted brother. He is no different than any other sibling. You listen, you only offer opinion if asked and if asked to go to a in person visit, you go.

It will be hit or miss with the birth family. My son's maternal family is amazing. We are all family. His birthfathers family are a nightmare, to put it nicely.

Completely this. He is your brother. You do whatever he needs you to do. This could turn out well and it could be a disaster. No matter what, he is your brother and you are in his corner.

He needs to take this slow. This situation sounds very overwhelming and it could be very easy for it to avalanche around him. Are either of the birth parents in the picture? Who is the person who reached out to him and what is the blood connection?

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

They are strangers. They share DNA, that is all.

Or they may not. This could be a scam, or a website trolled by scammers. It's possible.