Platonic friend

[Anonymous]

I've been friends with Mike since middle school. Five years into our friendship (age 19) he confessed that he had a big crush on me and wanted to date me. I said no, I didn't like him like that, but I still wanted to be friends.

He persisted for months, and at a big party with all of our friends, he drunkenly proposed to me in front of everyone. I said no, and he left in a huff. After that incident, we didn't speak at all for over a year. We both went out of our way to avoid big gatherings of our mutual friends so we wouldn't run into each other.

Then, almost two years later, I reached out to him, and told him it made me feel sad that I'd lost his friendship and I hoped he was doing okay. He said he felt similarly and had come to terms with the way I feel, and said he would rather have me as a friend than not talk to me at all.

That was about ten years ago. He's never made a pass at me or made me feel uncomfortable at all since then. He's dated a few other women but nothing has lasted more than a couple months (sadly they all cheated or left him).

A few years ago I moved a couple states away. We still talk on the phone a couple times a week, exchange birthday and Christmas gifts via mail, and when I go back to visit my parents, about once every two years, I usually spend a day with him (hiking, getting a bite to eat).

Two years ago I married the man I'd been dating for the previous 5 years. My husband has been fully aware of who Mike is and everything I mentioned here. My husband feels very threatened by the fact that I am still friends with Mike and still speak to him on the phone a couple times per week (for whatever it's worth our phone chats are incredibly benign, we talk about our day at work, new restaurants we've tried, hikes we go on, gossip about mutual friends, etc).

I've explained to DH multiple times that 1) I've never ever had feelings for Mike beyond platonic friendship, 2) I'm not physically attracted to Mike at all, 3) Mike lives 1,000 miles away and I see him less than once a year (the last two times I went back home DH was with Mike and I the whole time of course), 4) Mike has moved on (DH disagrees and firmly believes Mike is waiting for me, which I know is not true), 5) I love my DH! DH is the one I want to be with, that's why I married him!

Before we got married, we hashed all this out and DH said he understood, but every single time we have the slightest disagreement he brings Mike up and says stuff like "you don't like the way I did it? Why don't you just marry Mike I'm sure he can do it the way you like it." Or "I'll never make you happy, just marry Mike and get it over with!" Or "why do you even need to talk to him at all? Can't you just talk to me about everything? Or am I not good enough to talk to?"

Also sometimes I go on walks in the neighborhood in the evenings, which I always invite DH on but he almost always declines. When I return he sometimes will make a snide remark about how I only left so I could call Mike (he's almost always wrong about this as I rarely call Mike on my evening walks; the last two times he made this accusation I tried to show him my phone log to prove that I didn't, but he waved me off saying "fine I believe you didn't call him THIS time").

DH also says "how would you feel if I had a female friend who I've known for years, who confessed to having a huge crush on me, who is currently single and who called me up several times a week to chat?" While I admit he has a bit of a point, I would like to think I would be at least tolerant if not understanding in that situation.

Another factor is, I don't have many friends. In fact, I would say I have 3 actual friends. Two are women, the third is Mike. I don't feel it is fair for DH to force me to stop speaking to Mike, but that seems to be the only thing that will make DH happy here. Mike is a really good friend when I just need to talk to someone, and while I do talk to DH about every day stuff, all the time of course, it is really helpful to have other friends and people in my life that I can talk to also, aside from just DH. And while I like my female friends, they both have families and are often too busy to talk when I try to call them.

Other than this one issue, DH isn't controlling in any way. I work 60 hours a week and other than one or two "good morning" or "what's the plan for dinner tonight" texts he usually isn't in my business at all. I also go out with my two local lady friends once or twice a week (sometimes staying out late) and he's never questioned that or checked up on me while out and about. I can't find any other aspect of DH or our relationship that seems like a control issue to me.

I've suggested counseling, for either us as a couple or just DH, but DH is firmly opposed to it. This frustrates me, but I don't feel we are at a serious make it or break it point (and I would like to think that if we were, DH might consider it? Though maybe not...). He was previously married (to his high school sweetheart at a very young age), and they went to counseling, and he says it was a total waste of time and money. I've pointed out that maybe that particular counselor wasn't good or a good fit for him but he still refuses to consider it.

What do you think? Is DH being ridiculous about Mike? Or given the circumstances (a married woman chatting with a single guy who previously confessed his undying love for her), should I end my friendship with Mike? Please don't tell me it's time for divorce, I am committed to and love DH. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been friends with Mike since middle school. Five years into our friendship (age 19) he confessed that he had a big crush on me and wanted to date me. I said no, I didn't like him like that, but I still wanted to be friends.

He persisted for months, and at a big party with all of our friends, he drunkenly proposed to me in front of everyone. I said no, and he left in a huff. After that incident, we didn't speak at all for over a year. We both went out of our way to avoid big gatherings of our mutual friends so we wouldn't run into each other.

Then, almost two years later, I reached out to him, and told him it made me feel sad that I'd lost his friendship and I hoped he was doing okay. He said he felt similarly and had come to terms with the way I feel, and said he would rather have me as a friend than not talk to me at all.

That was about ten years ago. He's never made a pass at me or made me feel uncomfortable at all since then. He's dated a few other women but nothing has lasted more than a couple months (sadly they all cheated or left him).

A few years ago I moved a couple states away. We still talk on the phone a couple times a week, exchange birthday and Christmas gifts via mail, and when I go back to visit my parents, about once every two years, I usually spend a day with him (hiking, getting a bite to eat).

Two years ago I married the man I'd been dating for the previous 5 years. My husband has been fully aware of who Mike is and everything I mentioned here. My husband feels very threatened by the fact that I am still friends with Mike and still speak to him on the phone a couple times per week (for whatever it's worth our phone chats are incredibly benign, we talk about our day at work, new restaurants we've tried, hikes we go on, gossip about mutual friends, etc).

I've explained to DH multiple times that 1) I've never ever had feelings for Mike beyond platonic friendship, 2) I'm not physically attracted to Mike at all, 3) Mike lives 1,000 miles away and I see him less than once a year (the last two times I went back home DH was with Mike and I the whole time of course), 4) Mike has moved on (DH disagrees and firmly believes Mike is waiting for me, which I know is not true), 5) I love my DH! DH is the one I want to be with, that's why I married him!

Before we got married, we hashed all this out and DH said he understood, but every single time we have the slightest disagreement he brings Mike up and says stuff like "you don't like the way I did it? Why don't you just marry Mike I'm sure he can do it the way you like it." Or "I'll never make you happy, just marry Mike and get it over with!" Or "why do you even need to talk to him at all? Can't you just talk to me about everything? Or am I not good enough to talk to?"

Also sometimes I go on walks in the neighborhood in the evenings, which I always invite DH on but he almost always declines. When I return he sometimes will make a snide remark about how I only left so I could call Mike (he's almost always wrong about this as I rarely call Mike on my evening walks; the last two times he made this accusation I tried to show him my phone log to prove that I didn't, but he waved me off saying "fine I believe you didn't call him THIS time").

DH also says "how would you feel if I had a female friend who I've known for years, who confessed to having a huge crush on me, who is currently single and who called me up several times a week to chat?" While I admit he has a bit of a point, I would like to think I would be at least tolerant if not understanding in that situation.

Another factor is, I don't have many friends. In fact, I would say I have 3 actual friends. Two are women, the third is Mike. I don't feel it is fair for DH to force me to stop speaking to Mike, but that seems to be the only thing that will make DH happy here. Mike is a really good friend when I just need to talk to someone, and while I do talk to DH about every day stuff, all the time of course, it is really helpful to have other friends and people in my life that I can talk to also, aside from just DH. And while I like my female friends, they both have families and are often too busy to talk when I try to call them.

Other than this one issue, DH isn't controlling in any way. I work 60 hours a week and other than one or two "good morning" or "what's the plan for dinner tonight" texts he usually isn't in my business at all. I also go out with my two local lady friends once or twice a week (sometimes staying out late) and he's never questioned that or checked up on me while out and about. I can't find any other aspect of DH or our relationship that seems like a control issue to me.

I've suggested counseling, for either us as a couple or just DH, but DH is firmly opposed to it. This frustrates me, but I don't feel we are at a serious make it or break it point (and I would like to think that if we were, DH might consider it? Though maybe not...). He was previously married (to his high school sweetheart at a very young age), and they went to counseling, and he says it was a total waste of time and money. I've pointed out that maybe that particular counselor wasn't good or a good fit for him but he still refuses to consider it.

What do you think? Is DH being ridiculous about Mike? Or given the circumstances (a married woman chatting with a single guy who previously confessed his undying love for her), should I end my friendship with Mike? Please don't tell me it's time for divorce, I am committed to and love DH. Thank you.

Yes, he's being ridiculous. And it's a total bait and switch to tell you that he understands your friendship before you got married and then throw it in your face any time he's upset with you.

This is why I refused to get serious with a guy unless he had friends of both genders. If you don't believe that men and women can be friends, you're always going to see problems where there are none.

[Anonymous]

Yes, end the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Your husband has to go.

[Anonymous]

I think the real issue is - is this a hill you're willing to die on? You don't want to divorce over it - your DH doesn't want let it go.

I understand though. It's a tough situation to be forced to give up a good friend. I wouldn't like that either. I think it's awful that he's basically accusing of you doing things you're not when you're being open and transparent with him.

I think rather than waiting until the next "marry Mike then" moment, you really have a sit down about this. Because it's really not fair to you. They say in marriage you're supposed to "forsake all others" but people really take this too far. When you cultivate strong healthy relationships with others that are meaningful and you care about - it's awful to say "well since my DH doesn't like it - poof be gone". Also, these feelings of Mike's were literally over a decade ago.

There is no real winner here and I wouldn't want to be you. I suspect that in the end you'll probably fade away with Mike because it's the easiest solution. But I think telling your husband how incredibly unfair it is should happen. Thing is, you may end up resenting letting your friend go and it actually become a bigger issue for the two of you if you end the friendship instead of coming up with compromise.

[Anonymous]

I do believe Mike would have sex with you if possible, unless you’ve changed a lot physically from when you were younger.
If there are aspects of your relationship with Mike that you keep secret from your husband, it is a problem. If you are using Mike to fill a void in your relationship with your husband, you should address that.

[Anonymous]

If you have calls with Mike with your husband present, he would probably feel a little more comfortable. If you go away from the house, or to another room to call him, it makes it seem like there is something going on.

[Anonymous]

If I were your DH, I’d be pissed you spent all your time writing tomes on DCUM.

That’s quite an opus, OP.

[Anonymous]

Calling a few times a week is absurd. The rest of the post replaced with a few calls a year is fine. A few a week? Ya emotional affair and he knows it and you do too.

[Anonymous]

Emotional affair? If Mike were female would you say the same thing? I believe this is a platonic friendship and you have a right to your old friend. Period.

[Anonymous]

OP, let me guess, Mike has never had a serious girlfriend, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Emotional affair? If Mike were female would you say the same thing? I believe this is a platonic friendship and you have a right to your old friend. Period.

Not the PP, but If my wife was discussing private and personal aspects of our relationship with friends (male or female), I would not like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Calling a few times a week is absurd. The rest of the post replaced with a few calls a year is fine. A few a week? Ya emotional affair and he knows it and you do too.

Definitely suspicious. Usually with opposite sex “friends” like this, at least one of them wants to progress to the next level.

[Anonymous]

Do not have kids with your husband.

[Anonymous]

wobbly-H