Platonic friend

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me that you like Mike's attention and based on what you said Mike is MADLY in love with you and has always been. It also sounds like you talk about Mike a LOT to your husband, in a way that makes him insecure. I could be completely wrong about all this, and if so, my apologies. But if I am right, and you're using Mike as a way to make your husband jelous, then it's time to be honest with yourself, apologize to both of them, and rebuild your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but Mike probably needs to go.

I had a mike, maybe worse because we dated in the past, but there was no mystery. We were both WELL aware that we were great at being friends and terrible at anything else.

It was sad to lose touch. It’s been about 15 years and i still miss his friendship, but my DH isn’t the type to be able to accept that kind of friendship and I’d rather be married to DH than friends with my version of mike. If i ever got divorced I’d get back in touch, but it’s not worth messing up my marriage or fighting over

You need to recognize that it really bothers your husband. Whether or not that’s fair or justified isn’t the issue. You are making him feel sad/threatened/jealous/whatever and trying to make him not feel that way isn’t going to happen. Emotions don’t have to be rational or justified to be felt. So, there’s probably not a way to make DH okay with this friendship.

[Anonymous]

The problem is...it’s not a platonic friend. It is on your end, but not Mike’s. Sure he hasn’t made a pass again YET. If you divorced DH and said you thought about Mike. Guess what? Mike would make a pass.

I mean think about that? A female friend your DH refuses to give up who’s just waiting for the day he changes his mind. It’s time to drop Mike. Vows say forsake all others for a reason. Forsake Mike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is...it’s not a platonic friend. It is on your end, but not Mike’s. Sure he hasn’t made a pass again YET. If you divorced DH and said you thought about Mike. Guess what? Mike would make a pass.

I mean think about that? A female friend your DH refuses to give up who’s just waiting for the day he changes his mind. It’s time to drop Mike. Vows say forsake all others for a reason. Forsake Mike.

Pretty much this. Your relationship with Mike is not as platonic as you think.

And you probably shouldn’t be confiding a couple times a week in the guy who has made several passes at you, and drunkenly proposed.

I have no issues with opposite sex friendships, but the fact that he has been /is madly in love with you, and you know it, is where is crosses the line.

[Anonymous]

Girl, get over it. Friendships come and go. Would you really sacrifice your marriage for a dude from a DECADE ago?

I agree with the pp who suggested you relish Mike's attention. You've probably strung him along all this time.

I DO believe men and women can just be friends, but not if one has ever had feelings for the other.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was team DW until you got to the part where you say this out of state long time guy friend calls you a FEW times a week to chat (and the part about still exchanging birthday and xmas presents struck me as odd too frankly). As a DH that would be annoying for me as well. It DOES smack of emotional affair. I want my wife to be present and engaged emotionally with me and my kids. My own mother lives just 3 hrs away and as an adult I don't chat with her on the phone a FEW times a week. Its fine if you want to put all this on your husband but I DO agree that you might feel a little more understanding if the roles were reversed.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. Your DH is threatened by Mike, I get it. A bunch of thoughts / questions:

- How does Mike treat your DH? My wife had a Mike when we were dating. Almost the exact same situation as you; he loved her, she only liked him as a friend. Her past BFs hated him, because he was always trying to get in her pants. I figured I'd try to make friends, but he was an absolute dick to me, repeatedly, the first few times we met. I told me wife I had tried, how I had been treated, and that I wanted nothing to do with this guy. To her credit, she sat down with her Mike, told him this was the last straw, that she loved me, and then she cut off all contact. He tried to apologize over the years but she never "took him back" as a friend. This was 20 years ago. I gained a lot of respect for my wife, and we've been married for 15 years now.

- Interestingly, my wife's former Mike was always heavy (although not obese), but got in incredible shape, and I see pictures on his FB page every few years (they are FB friends, but have had not contact beyond that) of him with beautiful women. Not married, though.

- I'm suspicious of any platonic relationship where the woman and male talk via phone multiple times per week. I have close female friends, but we don't do that. Nor do we vacation together without spouses, as some people I know do. As a guy, I wouldn't stand for that. I have a close female friend who does that with her best friend (who is a guy). They literally went to the Maldives for a week together. I don't know how the DH puts up with it. Before anyone asks, I know for a fact they are not sleeping together, but I also know the guy would in a heartbeat.

- Back to your DH being threatened, Mike is filling some of your needs that your DH should be. I don't think it's an EA, but I would want to be both your lover and your BFF if I was your DH, and would be unhappy if you were only giving me 50% of that job. I don't think you need to completely ghost Mike, but you need to drastically cut down the contact. Maybe twice per month via phone.

- If you stay friends with Mike, don't ever let your guard down. I promise you the first time you're mad at your husband about something and have had to much to drink, you'll find his hand on your leg or his arm around you. I've had this happen as a guy, and it's a tough position to put yourself in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. Your DH is threatened by Mike, I get it. A bunch of thoughts / questions:

- How does Mike treat your DH? My wife had a Mike when we were dating. Almost the exact same situation as you; he loved her, she only liked him as a friend. Her past BFs hated him, because he was always trying to get in her pants. I figured I'd try to make friends, but he was an absolute dick to me, repeatedly, the first few times we met. I told me wife I had tried, how I had been treated, and that I wanted nothing to do with this guy. To her credit, she sat down with her Mike, told him this was the last straw, that she loved me, and then she cut off all contact. He tried to apologize over the years but she never "took him back" as a friend. This was 20 years ago. I gained a lot of respect for my wife, and we've been married for 15 years now.

- Interestingly, my wife's former Mike was always heavy (although not obese), but got in incredible shape, and I see pictures on his FB page every few years (they are FB friends, but have had not contact beyond that) of him with beautiful women. Not married, though.

- I'm suspicious of any platonic relationship where the woman and male talk via phone multiple times per week. I have close female friends, but we don't do that. Nor do we vacation together without spouses, as some people I know do. As a guy, I wouldn't stand for that. I have a close female friend who does that with her best friend (who is a guy). They literally went to the Maldives for a week together. I don't know how the DH puts up with it. Before anyone asks, I know for a fact they are not sleeping together, but I also know the guy would in a heartbeat.

- Back to your DH being threatened, Mike is filling some of your needs that your DH should be. I don't think it's an EA, but I would want to be both your lover and your BFF if I was your DH, and would be unhappy if you were only giving me 50% of that job. I don't think you need to completely ghost Mike, but you need to drastically cut down the contact. Maybe twice per month via phone.

- If you stay friends with Mike, don't ever let your guard down. I promise you the first time you're mad at your husband about something and have had to much to drink, you'll find his hand on your leg or his arm around you. I've had this happen as a guy, and it's a tough position to put yourself in.

Another guy here, agreeing with the guy above. What guy has time to call a "friend" a few times a week to talk fluff and exchange holidays cards. I smell a rat. My DW has male platonic friends and they are not consistent in her life. I have female platonic friends and same deal. Our truly platonic friends are either in relationships with other people or equally friends with both us. You need to own up that you enjoy the fact hat he desires you and makes you feel wanted. Time to cut the cord and work on your relationship with DH. If I were your DH, I wouldn't trust you - and trust is the key to a healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have calls with Mike with your husband present, he would probably feel a little more comfortable. If you go away from the house, or to another room to call him, it makes it seem like there is something going on.

This

[Anonymous]

you're been in an emotional affair with your 'friend' Mike for years. your husband rightly feels threatened because of the how frequent you talk with each other.

don't kid yourself, your friend would jump in the sack with you at a moment's notice. he has not moved on - despite what you think. he is absolutely still deeply infatuated/in-love/obsessed with you.

- this is a guys point of view of how we know how other men think/behave.

[Anonymous]

Another guy here. I appreciate you laying out all the details OP, and concur with the fellas above. Slow fade is my recommendation.

Before I was married, I had female friends who I wasn't super attracted to that way, but it was still a possibility. Since getting married, that stuff -- bars, trips, regular emails about life ---had to end.

[Anonymous]

I sort of want you to run off with Mike and report back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sort of want you to run off with Mike and report back.

would you say the same thing if OP was a man, not a woman and Mike was actually Michelle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is...it’s not a platonic friend. It is on your end, but not Mike’s. Sure he hasn’t made a pass again YET. If you divorced DH and said you thought about Mike. Guess what? Mike would make a pass.

I mean think about that? A female friend your DH refuses to give up who’s just waiting for the day he changes his mind. It’s time to drop Mike. Vows say forsake all others for a reason. Forsake Mike.

Pretty much this. Your relationship with Mike is not as platonic as you think.

And you probably shouldn’t be confiding a couple times a week in the guy who has made several passes at you, and drunkenly proposed.

I have no issues with opposite sex friendships, but the fact that he has been /is madly in love with you, and you know it, is where is crosses the line.

Mike’s a beta orbiter and OP likes the attention. /thread

[Anonymous]

Mike wants to bang you. You know it & so does your husband. Either end things with Mike or get a divorce. You're cheating.