Always impressed by couples that are married for a long time with no kids

[Anonymous]

Every time I feel like this isn't working out, I know that I have to make herculean efforts before ending it because it would be so hard for my kids to live without one or the other of us full-time. I think kids are resilient and they'd be ok in the end, but it would be a tough road to get there and I don't want to do that to them. Marriages have ups and downs and I don't think I'm a big enough person that I would have pushed through the downs without the fear of wrecking my kids' stability. Whenever I hear about people who've been married 15+ years with no kids, I'm so impressed!

[Anonymous]

I think kids (or things related to the kids) cause 99% of the problems for most people. I don’t think we had one fight in the four years before we had kids. We had plenty of money, time, fun, etc.

[Anonymous]

You're impressed because you got your priority wrong. Your priority is your kids and not your wife.

Kids take so much of your time and energy. That's why wives often complain that husbands are not the same after having kids, i.e., not romantic, not taking care of wives' needs, let his body goes, etc.

[Anonymous]

We were married for 10 years before we had kids because of infertility. We now have three kids under 6, so we have experienced both extremes in terms of how parenting or nonparenting impacts a marriage. I will say that we haven’t really had ups and downs in our marriage. In our lives definitely. Infertility puts a stress on your life in a way even three little kids does not. But our marriage has always been easy and solid. I think some marriages are just like that. They don’t take a lot of work because they don’t have a lot of points of conflict.

[Anonymous]

Love, love, love my kids, but I also am really fascinated with happily married couples with no kids. I really like that they are enough for each other. I’m always disappointed when fictional couples like this suddenly get pregnant or adopt.

[Anonymous]

You are impressed by people experiencing infertility? You have no idea what has been going on for those 15 years. And some of us have been married much longer than that, had kids, and are together in spite of them!

No one knows what happens behind closed doors.

[Anonymous]

...why on earth would that impress you?

Relationships are fun and easy and relatively carefree before kids get involved. You both get plenty of sleep, lots of free time, and you're not (near as) worried about money / schedules / responsibilities. This just makes sense

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love, love, love my kids, but I also am really fascinated with happily married couples with no kids. I really like that they are enough for each other. I’m always disappointed when fictional couples like this suddenly get pregnant or adopt.

Well first of all, some of them are likely going through fertility battles and are really sad...so there's that. But no, as someone who was married almost 13 years before having kids...it's not that they're "enough for each other". It's that you have different priorities - with of course a few exceptions, these couples are not living out in a cabin in the woods alone together. Without children, they have time to do a lot more - nights out with friends, each pursuing their own time-consuming hobbies, etc. When you have kids, your priorities shift and your free time decreases dramatically.

[Anonymous]

Some people are not meant to be parents. And that's okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think kids (or things related to the kids) cause 99% of the problems for most people. I don’t think we had one fight in the four years before we had kids. We had plenty of money, time, fun, etc.

Yep, this. If we hadn't had kids I think my ex and I would still be together. The strain of childrearing tore us apart.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, in college I dated a guy who came from a family of 7 sons. They were Catholic.

His oldest brother and his wife both worked, and they didn't want kids. No fertility issues. They both had great careers, money, and just didn't want kids. It's probably because he was the oldest brother of 7 kids.

Then, one of his other brothers married an older woman. She had the money, the career, etc. He played in 5 different baseball leagues. He was obsessed with sports. She wanted kids, and she kept having miscarriages. They finally had a baby after infertility treatments. He really didn't want one.

My sister and her husband were married in 1996. They are still married. No kids. However, she had a miscarriage early on at about 6 weeks, and it really scared her.

My father was the youngest of 7 kids. He and my mother took birth control, even against the Catholic church's wishes, and had ONLY two kids, four years apart.

Keep in mind, that unlike today where minorities are having all the babies, poor white people, especially Catholics, had a lot of children, especially before birth control.

There was at one time, a generation of women and men who felt relieved to not have to carry the burden of being poor and having 7 kids.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your marriage isn’t great and you would’ve bailed if not for the kids. Lots of marriages (maybe not the majority, but still lots) don’t require all that hard work because the people in it are highly compatible and attracted to each other. Those people would stay together with or without kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think kids (or things related to the kids) cause 99% of the problems for most people. I don’t think we had one fight in the four years before we had kids. We had plenty of money, time, fun, etc.

Yep, this. If we hadn't had kids I think my ex and I would still be together. The strain of childrearing tore us apart.

Well your anecdotal experience does not align with statistics. The divorce rate for childless couples is 40% higher than people with children. Children do indeed keep couples together, probably for the sake and welfare of their kids.

http://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your marriage isn’t great and you would’ve bailed if not for the kids. Lots of marriages (maybe not the majority, but still lots) don’t require all that hard work because the people in it are highly compatible and attracted to each other. Those people would stay together with or without kids.

The majority dont though. 67% of marriages end in divorce over a 40yr span. Evangelicals and Catholics make up a significant portion of the remaining married 33% of married couples. Religion plays the biggest role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, in college I dated a guy who came from a family of 7 sons. They were Catholic.

His oldest brother and his wife both worked, and they didn't want kids. No fertility issues. They both had great careers, money, and just didn't want kids. It's probably because he was the oldest brother of 7 kids.

Then, one of his other brothers married an older woman. She had the money, the career, etc. He played in 5 different baseball leagues. He was obsessed with sports. She wanted kids, and she kept having miscarriages. They finally had a baby after infertility treatments. He really didn't want one.

My sister and her husband were married in 1996. They are still married. No kids. However, she had a miscarriage early on at about 6 weeks, and it really scared her.

My father was the youngest of 7 kids. He and my mother took birth control, even against the Catholic church's wishes, and had ONLY two kids, four years apart.

Keep in mind, that unlike today where minorities are having all the babies, poor white people, especially Catholics, had a lot of children, especially before birth control.

There was at one time, a generation of women and men who felt relieved to not have to carry the burden of being poor and having 7 kids.

I should add that my sister's husband was the youngest of 7 kids, big Catholic family, so they have lots of cousins and nieces and nephews. They don't really miss having their own kids.