When he does something that makes me feel angry, he becomes the victim.

[Anonymous]

DH just did something extremely annoying and gross, he absent-mindedly picked at a scab from an insect bite that is now healing ON MY FOOT.

I jerked my foot away, raised my voice and told him to stop it. He said “ok, ok, ok! Don’t freak out! No need to go from 0-100.”

The truth is I was really grossed out and irritated that he would start picking at my skin. I get upset and he stomps away,
ignoring me and when I try to talk to him he brushes me off.

I’m not sure how when I get angry about something that HE DID, he becomes the victim.

[Anonymous]

What happened after he said don’t freak out? That should have been the end of it? Each day your bit, and then both of you move on.

Soooo, he couldn’t help himself picking scabs on other ppl. My 5 yo used to try to do that on me.... she outgrew that “temptation.” Plus I’m super ticklish so anyone would have been kicked fast.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like he did something stupid, but I'll bite. I'm a divorced guy who shares custody with my ex. We mostly get along well but have a few dustups, including this past weekend. My son was at a sleepover and I made plans with the parents of his friend to pick up my son from there (to take both him and his friend to an event), unless my ex picked him up before (in which case I would adjust the plan). My ex was furious that I made this tentative plan without consulting her first because it put her in an awkward position with the other parents. I don't really think I did that, but I understand why she felt that way, so I told her I made a mistake and was sorry and should have first talked with her. She continued to scream at me for a fairly long time. Whenever I tried to explain what I was thinking and why I did what I did, she would get more upset that I was being "defensive." It angered her more and more that I defended myself (while conceding I may have erred). I mention all this because I'd bet my ex would use the same description as you -- he was acting as he is the victim when he did something wrong. I was not the victim in what I did originally; I may well have been the transgressor. But I was a victim of the overreaction. Even assuming I was wrong, I didn't deserve getting screamed at. I wonder if something similar is happening with you -- your bf f--d up, but you really let him have it. Maybe, maybe not, but if so, that would explain the purported inconsistency you're seeing.

[Anonymous]

He’s probably embarrassed.

He picked your skin, probably feeling comfortable doing so, and the. You ended up thinking it was gross (which I agree, it is)

But he probably felt like “oh shit I let me guard down and did this weird thing and now she thinks I’m gross”

[Anonymous]

You're overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like he did something stupid, but I'll bite. I'm a divorced guy who shares custody with my ex. We mostly get along well but have a few dustups, including this past weekend. My son was at a sleepover and I made plans with the parents of his friend to pick up my son from there (to take both him and his friend to an event), unless my ex picked him up before (in which case I would adjust the plan). My ex was furious that I made this tentative plan without consulting her first because it put her in an awkward position with the other parents. I don't really think I did that, but I understand why she felt that way, so I told her I made a mistake and was sorry and should have first talked with her. She continued to scream at me for a fairly long time. Whenever I tried to explain what I was thinking and why I did what I did, she would get more upset that I was being "defensive." It angered her more and more that I defended myself (while conceding I may have erred). I mention all this because I'd bet my ex would use the same description as you -- he was acting as he is the victim when he did something wrong. I was not the victim in what I did originally; I may well have been the transgressor. But I was a victim of the overreaction. Even assuming I was wrong, I didn't deserve getting screamed at. I wonder if something similar is happening with you -- your bf f--d up, but you really let him have it. Maybe, maybe not, but if so, that would explain the purported inconsistency you're seeing.

Your ex may have been overly angry, but you sound totally clueless and I would guess that you do this kind of thing all the time and this one caught her on a bad day or pushed her over the edge.


To OP, he’s probably embarrassed if he did it absent mindedly. If this is unusual, just let it go. If he does it all the time, well, decide if it’s something you can live with because it’s not going to get better.

[Anonymous]

This actually gave me a bit of a chuckle; it’s kind of funny and sweet, gross as it is. You yourself said it was absent-minded, and he probably picks at his own scans and just wasn’t thinking. It seems that he’s comfortable with you and in the moment unconsciously treated your body as an extension of his own. I probably would’ve yelped and swatted my DH away, and then we would’ve had a good laugh.

So why are you so angry? That’s what your DH was reacting to — your anger. He had been in a relaxed moment with you and then you hit the roof.

[Anonymous]

^^ meant: he probably picks his own *scabs*, not scans.

[Anonymous]

I agree OP. It would be okay for him to wipe away some leftover food on your lip, but pick at a scab? Discusting and unhygenic! Who knows how clean his hands were?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're overreacting.

This. Maybe see someone about why you have a grossly disproportionate reaction to your husband touching you.

[Anonymous]

You raised your voice over something that really doesn't require yelling. A simple "hey honey, please don't do that" would have sufficed. Do you usually react to these things by yelling?

Also, when you tried talking to him, what were you saying? Were you blaming him and trying to convince him that you're in the right for yelling?

[Anonymous]

My husband picking my scab on my foot wouldn't make me ANGRY. Mildly annoyed, yes. How hard it is to pull your foot away and say "Hey!" to jerk him back to the reality that is your scab to pick not his?

[Anonymous]

I agree with one PP who said you overreacted and got angry and yelled about something that wasn’t such a big deal. He was reacting to your anger.

How quickly do you normally go from 0 to 100?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like he did something stupid, but I'll bite. I'm a divorced guy who shares custody with my ex. We mostly get along well but have a few dustups, including this past weekend. My son was at a sleepover and I made plans with the parents of his friend to pick up my son from there (to take both him and his friend to an event), unless my ex picked him up before (in which case I would adjust the plan). My ex was furious that I made this tentative plan without consulting her first because it put her in an awkward position with the other parents. I don't really think I did that, but I understand why she felt that way, so I told her I made a mistake and was sorry and should have first talked with her. She continued to scream at me for a fairly long time. Whenever I tried to explain what I was thinking and why I did what I did, she would get more upset that I was being "defensive." It angered her more and more that I defended myself (while conceding I may have erred). I mention all this because I'd bet my ex would use the same description as you -- he was acting as he is the victim when he did something wrong. I was not the victim in what I did originally; I may well have been the transgressor. But I was a victim of the overreaction. Even assuming I was wrong, I didn't deserve getting screamed at. I wonder if something similar is happening with you -- your bf f--d up, but you really let him have it. Maybe, maybe not, but if so, that would explain the purported inconsistency you're seeing.

Your ex may have been overly angry, but you sound totally clueless and I would guess that you do this kind of thing all the time and this one caught her on a bad day or pushed her over the edge.


To OP, he’s probably embarrassed if he did it absent mindedly. If this is unusual, just let it go. If he does it all the time, well, decide if it’s something you can live with because it’s not going to get better.

+1 PP above seriously...your ex doesn't want to hear from a 3rd party what the co-parenting plan is. Don't be weirdly obtuse.

To OP, if cited example is an infrequent occurrence I'd let it go, but when someone routinely attempts to out-emote you in an argument ("take the garbage out? Do you even want to be married anymore!?!") it's an attempt to negate the issue and invalidate your feelings, and likely evidence of larger sub-surface issues. Worth discussing on a calmer day or during a walk when you're both feeling better as it's a maladaptive coping mechanism. Probably learned by him growing up.

[Anonymous]

Maybe OP's example isn't the best, but I know what you mean. I have the same experience. If express the slightest amount of annoyance or irritation, let alone anger, my husband gets whiny and acts like I slapped him. Sometimes he literally puts his hands up in the "don't shoot" post. Its drives me bonkers. I don't yell at him. I don't nag him. I don't criticize him all the time. But if express the slightest displeasure at something he did, I'm being irrational, unreasonable, and mean. I've learned not to try to talk about it, because he always turns it around so that I'm the one at fault, and I end up apologizing for not giving him the benefit of the doubt, or for being hurt by something even though he didn't mean it to be hurtful, etc. Essentially, I'm only allowed to be upset if he is deliberately mean. I'm also not allowed to just "give in"--the only thing that makes him happy is if I genuinely agree with him that he was right. So I just don't disagree with him about things very often. It's gutted our emotional intimacy, which he complains about, too, but I just can't win.