BPD mother not complying with doctor

[Anonymous]

Her primary care physician’s office called to say she has been given multiple referrals, but refuses to follow through with making and keeping the appointments. My mother, who is 59, can be very difficult. This is not out of the norm for borderline people.

Her excuses for not going are all over the place. She said the “welfare doctors” are trying to kill her because one suggested removing part of her thyroid. Another one only had 8:00 appointments available. She told me she would have a heart attack if she had to get up early and go see a doctor. The rest of the reasons are just how they’re all idiots and she can’t get an appointment, no matter how many times she tries. She tried calling them 5 times in 3 months, and hung up when they kept putting her on hold.

If I try to step in and make these appointments for her, then I will be the one who’s incompetent and trying to kill her. I’m not sure how to encourage her to do this. She spent nearly 30 minutes yelling at me when I called to tell her to take an appointment and see the doctors. She afraid of doctors, and goes into attack mode when someone is pushing her to do anything.

She lives 800 miles away, so taking her to appointments isn’t feasible. She was recently diagnosed with kidney disease. The cause is uncontrolled diabetes. I went down there when she was in the hospital to tell the doctors she wouldn’t comply with instructions to use insulin.

Any else BTDT? Advice?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she has a lot of health anxiety as well and is dealing with it in a BPD way. Hospital plus multiple referrals sounds like something could really be wrong. If she struggles to manage distress, the idea of a serious medical illness is very distressing.

Since you are obviously her POA since her docs office called you, why don't you make the appointments for her and then encourage her to attend. She may choose to go or not go. Or maybe focus first just on one referral, multiple appointments may be too overwhelming. Ignore the ranting, you know that is going to come whenever she is in a difficult scenario and her anxiety is .

Chronic physical illness goes hand in hand with chronic mental illness. Many people with chronic mental illness die from physical illness due to the lack of self care and lack of adherence to treatment. The mental illness leads to worsening physical illnesses.

[Anonymous]

No advice. Just wanted to send a hug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she has a lot of health anxiety as well and is dealing with it in a BPD way. Hospital plus multiple referrals sounds like something could really be wrong. If she struggles to manage distress, the idea of a serious medical illness is very distressing.

Since you are obviously her POA since her docs office called you, why don't you make the appointments for her and then encourage her to attend. She may choose to go or not go. Or maybe focus first just on one referral, multiple appointments may be too overwhelming. Ignore the ranting, you know that is going to come whenever she is in a difficult scenario and her anxiety is .

Chronic physical illness goes hand in hand with chronic mental illness. Many people with chronic mental illness die from physical illness due to the lack of self care and lack of adherence to treatment. The mental illness leads to worsening physical illnesses.

POA = power of attorney? I do not have PoA. I think I’m the emergency contact because no one else in the family is speaking to her.

Unfortunately, making the appointments for her will lead to me being at fault for her problems, and she won’t be any more likely to show up for an appointment. Enabling her helplessness is a slippery slope. I’ve BTDT.

[Anonymous]

In the same situation with my mother.

Helplessness and constant requests for help
Refusal to comply
Serious problems with blood pressure, kidneys
Always a reason/rationale why she can't take her medications
Rants against every doctor she sees being out to get her

You can't manage this situation, OP. Believe me, I've tried. The combination of helplessness and noncompliance is an impossible dichotomy.

[Anonymous]

Repeat this mantra: "I did not cause this. I can't cure it. I can't control it."

Of course it is upsetting, however. Use good self care and therapy, if needed, to manage the stress that this puts on you. You might also find the forum at outofthefog.net helpful; it's a site where the loved ones of personality disordered individuals support each other. Stories like yours are fairly common there.

You can try to help your mother prioritize just one thing she will do to take care of herself. See if she will make the first medical appointment and follow through. The excuses are exactly that, excuses. While she is mentally ill, she is certainly aware enough to understand the consequences of her actions, though we all know that she will blame others for those consequences, regardless.

Medical providers often contact family members for help. In typical families this isn't unreasonable. In families with personality disorders, it's complicated. You can't make your mom do anything. You can offer sympathy to the doctors that you understand their frustration, and you can also set a boundary for yourself that you can only get involved at a certain level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she has a lot of health anxiety as well and is dealing with it in a BPD way. Hospital plus multiple referrals sounds like something could really be wrong. If she struggles to manage distress, the idea of a serious medical illness is very distressing.

Since you are obviously her POA since her docs office called you, why don't you make the appointments for her and then encourage her to attend. She may choose to go or not go. Or maybe focus first just on one referral, multiple appointments may be too overwhelming. Ignore the ranting, you know that is going to come whenever she is in a difficult scenario and her anxiety is .

Chronic physical illness goes hand in hand with chronic mental illness. Many people with chronic mental illness die from physical illness due to the lack of self care and lack of adherence to treatment. The mental illness leads to worsening physical illnesses.

POA = power of attorney? I do not have PoA. I think I’m the emergency contact because no one else in the family is speaking to her.

Unfortunately, making the appointments for her will lead to me being at fault for her problems, and she won’t be any more likely to show up for an appointment. Enabling her helplessness is a slippery slope. I’ve BTDT.

Then what they did is against the law... They cannot disclose her private health information to you. If they are that concerned, they need to call adult protective services or have her admitted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she has a lot of health anxiety as well and is dealing with it in a BPD way. Hospital plus multiple referrals sounds like something could really be wrong. If she struggles to manage distress, the idea of a serious medical illness is very distressing.

Since you are obviously her POA since her docs office called you, why don't you make the appointments for her and then encourage her to attend. She may choose to go or not go. Or maybe focus first just on one referral, multiple appointments may be too overwhelming. Ignore the ranting, you know that is going to come whenever she is in a difficult scenario and her anxiety is .

Chronic physical illness goes hand in hand with chronic mental illness. Many people with chronic mental illness die from physical illness due to the lack of self care and lack of adherence to treatment. The mental illness leads to worsening physical illnesses.

POA = power of attorney? I do not have PoA. I think I’m the emergency contact because no one else in the family is speaking to her.

Unfortunately, making the appointments for her will lead to me being at fault for her problems, and she won’t be any more likely to show up for an appointment. Enabling her helplessness is a slippery slope. I’ve BTDT.

Then what they did is against the law... They cannot disclose her private health information to you. If they are that concerned, they need to call adult protective services or have her admitted.

I think you’re confused about HIPAA works. If you give the doctor permission to speak to someone, they can discuss health information you’ve authorized them to divulge. It only requires a signed authorization.

[Anonymous]

OP, this sucks. And unfortunately nothing will make it change. You’ll just be banging your head against a wall.

I have a close friend who went through this with her mother and to save her sanity, my friend had to throw up her hands and give up. At a certain point state (or local?) senior services had to step in. It wasn’t easy for my friend to watch her mother deteriorate. This women was also living in deteriorating residential circumstances, as her mother was paranoid and wouldn’t pay the electric bill (“they” we’re watching her through the outlets), and her well wasn’t working so she didn’t have water. My friend had set up a generator and was hauling water to her weekly. It was an impossible situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this sucks. And unfortunately nothing will make it change. You’ll just be banging your head against a wall.

I have a close friend who went through this with her mother and to save her sanity, my friend had to throw up her hands and give up. At a certain point state (or local?) senior services had to step in. It wasn’t easy for my friend to watch her mother deteriorate. This women was also living in deteriorating residential circumstances, as her mother was paranoid and wouldn’t pay the electric bill (“they” we’re watching her through the outlets), and her well wasn’t working so she didn’t have water. My friend had set up a generator and was hauling water to her weekly. It was an impossible situation.

OP here. She has always been like this, so I don’t see it as a mental deterioration. My father always dealt with it. He’s gone now, and we are trying to figure out how to deal with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Repeat this mantra: "I did not cause this. I can't cure it. I can't control it."

Of course it is upsetting, however. Use good self care and therapy, if needed, to manage the stress that this puts on you. You might also find the forum at outofthefog.net helpful; it's a site where the loved ones of personality disordered individuals support each other. Stories like yours are fairly common there.

You can try to help your mother prioritize just one thing she will do to take care of herself. See if she will make the first medical appointment and follow through. The excuses are exactly that, excuses. While she is mentally ill, she is certainly aware enough to understand the consequences of her actions, though we all know that she will blame others for those consequences, regardless.

Medical providers often contact family members for help. In typical families this isn't unreasonable. In families with personality disorders, it's complicated. You can't make your mom do anything. You can offer sympathy to the doctors that you understand their frustration, and you can also set a boundary for yourself that you can only get involved at a certain level.

Thanks for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she has a lot of health anxiety as well and is dealing with it in a BPD way. Hospital plus multiple referrals sounds like something could really be wrong. If she struggles to manage distress, the idea of a serious medical illness is very distressing.

Since you are obviously her POA since her docs office called you, why don't you make the appointments for her and then encourage her to attend. She may choose to go or not go. Or maybe focus first just on one referral, multiple appointments may be too overwhelming. Ignore the ranting, you know that is going to come whenever she is in a difficult scenario and her anxiety is .

Chronic physical illness goes hand in hand with chronic mental illness. Many people with chronic mental illness die from physical illness due to the lack of self care and lack of adherence to treatment. The mental illness leads to worsening physical illnesses.

POA = power of attorney? I do not have PoA. I think I’m the emergency contact because no one else in the family is speaking to her.

Unfortunately, making the appointments for her will lead to me being at fault for her problems, and she won’t be any more likely to show up for an appointment. Enabling her helplessness is a slippery slope. I’ve BTDT.

Then what they did is against the law... They cannot disclose her private health information to you. If they are that concerned, they need to call adult protective services or have her admitted.

I think you’re confused about HIPAA works. If you give the doctor permission to speak to someone, they can discuss health information you’ve authorized them to divulge. It only requires a signed authorization.

NP. Has your mother signed a medical release, OP? Being an emergency contact is not enough. Otherwise, this is a HIPAA violation -- or untrue.

[Anonymous]

Op, she is mentally ill. How are you going to deal with it? Get guardianship, make decisions. Step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, she is mentally ill. How are you going to deal with it? Get guardianship, make decisions. Step up.

She isn’t incapacitated, according to the laws of her home state. I’m not sure why you think it will be any easier to get her to go to the doctor if I was her legal guardian. I’m not going to move there so I can drive her to the doctor.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to deal with it? Your mother is an adult. She is not incompetent. She is making choices and you should respect them - hard as it may be for you. A PP gave you the right mantra, "I did not cause this. I can't cure it. I can't control it."