my spotless mind doesn't feel so happy

[Anonymous]

This not entirely about my husband but it has the biggest impact on our marriage so I am putting it here.

Of course some people have much worse situations in life, but I was dealt a crappy lot with the death of my mother about 5 years ago and a divorce from my husband of 10 years also about 6 years ago. We married young (met in college) and had no children. I have no siblings (and no extended family that I know) and my dad is great but very removed from my life--lives out west on his own and likes it that way.

I have made a really nice life for myself with a wonderful, loving husband and two beautiful children. But I am really struggling with the loss of my past. I have no connection to anything that happened to me in the first 35 years of my life. Its weird. When I got divorced I remember wishing desperately that I could just erase my memory to take away the hurt and somehow, 6 years later, this seems to have unintentionally happened. I am wistful for my first husband not because he was a great guy but because he knew me in a way I feel like my current husband does not and never will. He knew my mother, he even knew my father, he knew me in college, he met and was friends with high school friends, he often came to my family home. Family home is long sold, I am not friends just due to life and moving with anyone from high school, and most my college relationships were lost in the divorce except a few close girlfriends. I am also sure some of this is related to throwing myself fully into motherhood, which has been my life's biggest joy, with two small children--their needs are vast and all consuming.

I guess I am just looking for someone who has been here b/c I don't know anyone who has. I am not saying this is the world's worst situation or anything like that but its a very eerie and lonely feeling. I long enough for connecting with someone from my past I think about reaching out to my ex. This is not a good move but it feels very tempting.

[Anonymous]

Therapy.

Most people don’t regret divorces. You seem to have other issues going on and are ret-conning your marriage to blame your current issues on the decision to divorce. Stop! This isn’t the fault of the divorce. Your post-divorce self is responsible for the life you have today.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. We moved around a lot when I was little, and I don't have any friends from childhood. I'm in my 40s, and my parents and grandparents are all dead, as is my college boyfriend. I think a lot about how happy I am that I met my DH when my folks were alive, and that he experienced many of the events--good and bad--that shaped me. Plus I have an older sister and BIL, who married young, and cousins I'm close to. We all talk with the kids about what it was like back in the day.

I see how you feel lonely and adrift without that network. Do you think there may be some benefit from trying to spend more time with your dad? I do think therapy could help you work through some of this. I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Count your blessings. Live for tomorrow, not yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Hello,

If you're longing to connect with someone from the past, you may want to go another route and use "23 & me " You will get a WHOLE view into your past and even may find some long lost family members you never knew you had.....there have been some AMAZING connections ......worth the $$ to try ..

[Anonymous]

This is a very sad post.

I have recently lost my dad and I am still grieving. It is nice to have my mom, siblings, dh and kids to remember my dad too - but there is so much I cannot share even with them. My heart hurts constantly.

[Anonymous]

I think this is where therapy can help. They can be very helpful in framing things and giving us perspective and paths to help us move forward again.

I am sorry for your losses. It is okay to acknowledge them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Count your blessings. Live for tomorrow, not yesterday.

I agree with this, but also think you are allowed to mourn the past and the life lost. Take a little time to do that, but don't get stuck there.

[Anonymous]

Can't you also try being the one who makes the connections you want. Write to a favorite old teacher, neighbor, clergy member or whoever. You spark a deeper relationship with the college friends, get on a high school or college class social media sites. But not ex husband, unless he has pictures or videos you would want. Some of your feelings may be exacerbated by the natural time and energy suck of younger kids as you know. Those frayed lines to your past may actually get stronger with a little effort by you. Could you tell your father you want to do something structured to capture memories??

[Anonymous]

I understand, op. My mom died when I was 18, and so many important people in my life, like my DH and my BFF, never met her. I just had my 50th birthday party, and a couple of my high school friends happen to live in this area and were able to come, and I remember thinking how funny it was that they were the only people there who knew her.

How old are you now, op? Look into your high school and college reunions - perhaps you can reconnect with some old friends that way, and that may give you some of those links to the past you are looking for.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you love & value your present situation but that doesn't mean you don't need your roots.

1. Therapist to process your loss(es). Don't contact ex-DH.

2. Project: Start doing some digging; PP's 23 & me suggestion is a good one. Do you have any distant cousins? Aunts? Send some letters or emails (friendly, no expectations) and just see what bounces back. In other words, act like your own PI and establish some personal family history. It will be pleasantly distracting, may give you some knowledge you didn't have, and bonus, your kids will someday know the history.

We necessarily prioritize our families above ourselves. For a few hours/week, treat your past as your priority and give it some life. You'll be surprised what memories come back, and it may help you continue to live in the present with more peace.

[Anonymous]

I understand how you feel. I’m also in my 40’s
and mourning connection to my past. My mom died about 10 years ago and she was the glue that held my family together. With her gone, I rarely see cousins, extended family, and neighborhood friends that I grew up with. My Dad is still living, but has moved away from my hometown. Relatives are getting older and dying, which is sad. Holidays are especially hard because I remember holidays at my grandmas with a big family gathering. Now, I just have my DH and kids. My world has really shrunk.

[Anonymous]

My BFF stayed in a terrible marriage to a destructive alcoholic much too long because he was one of the few people in her life who new her father before his stroke when she was 20. That need to share your past with others is strong.

I also suggest therapy, but why not look up some of those high school friends? It hasn't been that long. I actually reconnected with people I hadn't spoken to since graduation around the time of our 20th reunion via facebook. You'll probably be surprised how happy some of them will be to have you in their lives again, even if you don't have the time for them you used to have.

[Anonymous]

My mid-20s to mid-30s were an unhappy time in my life because of my XH. Just as happy to not have a lot of reminders from that time in my life.

[Anonymous]

I work in a nursing home; all of the residents have lost their parents and grandparents and most have lost their siblings, too - but their past is still such a part of them. We spend a lot of time sharing stories and reminiscing within our recreational activities.

You’re in the thick of motherhood; it’s so wonderful, but at the same time it’s an enormous change. It can feel like we’ve lost who we were before kids, even for people who still have their parents at and remain connected to their childhood community. There’s such a “before” and “after”; to some extent we are different people after becoming parents, and as we move further away from our youth.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that your feelings are normal at this stage of life — that’s why so many people reconnect with old flames from their youth on social media, etc. It can be a very powerful draw, to recapture some of that, with people who knew us when we were more footloose and fancy free. And for you, without that real-life connection to your early history, that longing is even stronger, and it’s painful. It’s so understandable.

But remember, these people, these memories are still so much a part of you; they make you who you are. It’s hard because kids are naturally self-absorbed and very focused on the here and now, and getting their immediate needs met.
Maybe focusing more on yourself, as PP said, and finding time to do things that are meaningful to you, will relieve some of this loneliness.

You are still your mother’s daughter. You have a rich history. Take the time to reconnect with yourself, your memories, etc.
Reaching out to the ex won’t solve things.